I am still in the midst of a very ugly divorce. I find myself wanting to move on with life, but still stuck in limbo as things are not fully finished with my "old life". How do you move on? All I seem to think about are things that have happened/are still happening. I want to return to my old self - happy, independant, hopeful of the future, etc. I find that I think of little else but the ugliness that has happened.

Any thoughts?

lamby

I don't know if this will be any help... I'm in much the same place as you...

The best I can offer by way of advice is more like encouragement. I determined two things early on:

FIRST, my integrity does not depend on the behavior of my stbx, so I can always choose to do the RIGHT thing even if it's not reciprocated.

SECOND, just because I often do fail to be the ideal of what I would hope to be does not mean that I should stop trying.

These personal resolutions go along with the idea that you can only direct yourself, and you cannot ever cause another person to have good or bad character, and if you accept only perfection (or let your WS insist that you deserve to be dumped because you're imperfect), you will discourage yourself from ever maintaining a path towards healing.

God bless,
WBF

Those are excellent resolutions, and very similar to my way of thinking. All along, once the truth about what my H was doing in secret was revealed, I knew I had to proceed with caution and with God at my side. I tested his spirit to prove (mostly to myself) where he stood. Once I believed I knew where that was, making the break was not that difficult. The difficult thing now is leaving it in the past and making a new life. My children are everything to me right now. I fear for their future due to the damage that was done in our lives. I do not wish to "wallow" in the past, but it cannot be ignored either. It is a difficult balancing act.

by the way... you and I were replying on each other's thread at exactly the same time! Funny, huh!

I up and quit my government job of 14 years and moved to Atlanta, leaving no forwarding address to anyone but my attorney.

I took a job paying twice as much and will finally be getting me a new truck in a week or two.

My family is dead to me, and that is the only way I will get through this.

Everyone tells me my stepson is miserable and my stbxw's world is crumbling. I can't look back at the destruction she's caused.

My sails are patched and I have caught the winds of change.

Pariah,

Might I suggest a little compassion on your SS? Sure, he wasn't your son, but you were a part of his life, and now, at the age of 14, you've utterly rejected him.

He doesn't deserve to have his world shredded because of his mother's choices, just like you didn't, but you have the ability to take action for yourself, and he's caught.

Just something to think about.

WBF

My wife has threatened to have me arrested if I try to contact him.

She already had OMW arrested when she asked her to to stay away from her husband.

What am I supposed to do?

As a step-parent, I have zero rights.

I have tried in a round about way to contact him through his father, but he has never called from his phone.

So who has abandoned who? He believes his mother's spoon fed lies and what chance do I have against that?

One day he might contact me when he's old enough and I will give him all the tapes then and he can decide for himself and let his conscience be his guide to see what his mother really is.

I totally understand the hurt of loving a child but having no legal rights regarding him. By the time my XH left, my DSS was 19 so it was no longer an issue, but in the 18 years we were together, I'd left many times due to XH's alcoholism and abuse and returned, in part at least, because of DSS when XH promised never to do it again. I helped raise DSS since he was one year old, but each time I left, I had to leave him, too, and had no legal right to see or talk to him. He was often hurt by my leaving because he was too young to understand that I wasn't leaving him but escaping the abuse.

I'm guessing you're hurt and angry, but if you ever do see or talk to your DSS again, just love him. Don't try to prove his mother's wrongs to him. My DSS had two pretty dysfunctional birth parents and I know he sometimes saw me as his only "real" parent. I always tried to speak positively about both of them to him.

Pariah,

Forgive me. I didn't realize "the rest of the story" was so stark.

I feel your pain. My stbxw has sought numerous times to get me arrested, and finally after creating a scene and then calling the cops, they came and arrested her.

The fact that the police didn't arrest me, but arrested her didn't stop her from filing charges against me, of course. It was her plan, after all, to mess up my professional life with criminal charges, and she's done that despite the fact that there's already been one adjudication that has determined positively that her allegations are unfounded.

I guess this is a rhetorical question, but does anybody else see that the WS seems far more likely to try to vilify the BS and impugn his or her character than the other way around? Maybe it's just wayward wives who are that nutty.

Again, I'm sorry for coming down on you. You've probably made the best choices available to you.

God bless,
WBF

No offense taken, WBF.

Like I said, my sails are patched and I have caught the winds of change.

I'm a banged up a plenty, but can sail a true course.

Seems to me the WS's have to justify their actions by trying to completely destroying the credibility of the BS.
Ans so far it seems it's the women who are the most brutal in their ways as the men seem to just want to go and live out their fantasy, leaving the wife abandoned.



However my wife in particular always took pleasure in my failures and was always jealous of any good accomplishment I made, even if it was for the good of the family.

Anytime I failed at something, it always had a detrimental effect on the family s failure was never an option.

It was an extremely hard position to be in.

I don't think I had ever seen her so happy as the day I got shot and her mood went down from there when she found out I would live.

This may be a viable option for some. I'm not sure that it applies to me in my situation. The thought of moving away with no forwarding address and changing not only my name but the names of my children as well. The main problem I see with that is my children's emotional stability in general. I simply don't think it is the best thing for them. I am still trying to figure out what that best thing is... in the meantime... lots of counseling... crying... and trying to function from day to day. Also, I am still running around trying to clean up the mess made by my XH. Everything takes time.

Do step-parents really have no rights in the US? My WH is step-dad to my DS and he is still responsible for financially supporting DS as long as he's in school. He didn't think he would be - probably would have abandoned him too, but legally, he is. Flip side to this, if DS was underage, WH would have rights to see/speak to him even if I obtained sole custody. WH could also sue for custody and I know of cases where the step parent won sole custody. I think this is something you should ask your lawyer.

Step parents do have some rights. I am not sure of all the legal aspects, but if I am allowed to carry my step-children on my medical insurance, even when they do not live with me, I would assume I have some rights to them.

Pariah,

Please get some legal advice about your SS. You may have some visitation rights. As far as I know you can't get in trouble simply for trying to contact your SS (unless there is a restraining order involved).

Keep trying for your SS's sake.

You might also consider keeping some sort of journal to give your SS if/when you do have contact with him again someday. Or write a letters to him even if he can't currently recieve them. Just save them up and give them to him in the future.

But leave out trying to put his mother down - let him do his own observations over time. Be the positive role model in his life - show integrity. In the long run her attempts to villify you will more clearly define her in his mind. What he thinks of you will ultimately be dependent on your choices. He needs to know that regardless of what goes on between his mother and his step-father, you won't abandon him.

lamby,

I am also wondering about how to leave the past behind for good.

I am trying to decide what to do with all the photos with WX in them.

Thanks for renewing the original topic, MM! I have had a difficult time deciding those issues as well. I don't know about you, but I have children involved. It has always been important to me to keep some things around for their sake. Although my ex turned out to betray not only me but our entire family (he is a child-molester), I want my children to know that not everything about our relationship was bad. There were good times, too. I also want them to know that they were all conceived in love. They are all wanted. Keeping a few memories of my ex helps them to feel secure. If it weren't for that, I would have no reason to keep any of it, and I would probably burn everything that I could get my hands on to burn that reminded me of him. In fact, maybe I'll burn a few things now, just for fun! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (Actually, I haven't burned anything, and probably won't.)

I just would like to come to a point where I can stop talking about it and learn to have fun again. I guess I'm just learning to be "myself", apart from who I was when I was married.