Thank you again, LA. I have to confess that most of the C.S. Lewis that I've read I read many years ago. I was home-schooled in high school, and my mom made me read The Screwtape Letters. I remember it being good, but that's about it. Of course, when I was much younger, I read the Chronicles of Narnia. We all know they were good, but generally fare for the younger crowd (but still packed with goodness).
My friend (that I wrote about in my other post) has English as a 3rd language, though she's very good at it. And she asked me for some books in English, so I bought her several C.S. Lewis books, and The Problem of Pain is one that, somehow, evaded inclusion in the package... That's why I had it on hand.
By the way, thank you for saying that you didn't sense wallowing. That was kind, but I can sense at least a little bit of it in myself. You asked if I've learned to get out of my WW's consequences. I think the answer is "Yes." I say, "I think" because, by in large, I try to not participate in bringing her particular chickens home to roost more than I really have to. I try to avoid being vindictive. I'm sure she wouldn't think so, since she has several criminal actions against her (one of which I pressed - burglary, the other of which the police pressed - assault), and I have a contract/tort suit against her because she violated our separation agreement and wouldn't sign title over to my car... But the truth is I have many other actions I could have brought but didn't because I'm not trying to be mean.
You asked if I see myself as being unlovable or unworthy. No. I know what depression feels like, and I can feel it beaconing me, from time to time, but no. I used to feel that way, and slipped into a very deep depression over many years, my slip into which was something of an invitation for my stbxw's natural tendency to blame others for everything. As such, years of her blaming me let her build-up and justify an amazing amount of resentment, and my depression left me defenseless to it. I fought through that battle, and that's one reason I'm not afraid to feel (I was before). I also think that my unwillingness to accept blame that doesn't belong to me is one reason my stbxw hates me so viscerally. I refuse to own the choices she's made that she knows are beneath her.
You ask a good question - and yes I hinted at my opinion. I do feel that I was sold a "bill of goods" (I think that's the saying). I read the Harley books, and it all made such sense. My stbxw even read them with me, and she talked about how true that seemed to her. (That turned into another justification to hate me... she said she was saying these things all along, but I didn't get them, and that my "getting" it when it came from a "doctor" just showed how I disrespected her... not cutting me any slack for the fact that I was then coming out of depression then rather than sliding into it as before.) One of the things that the books touted was the amazing success rate for Dr. Harley's methodology. I really and truly believed that I (we) had a GOOD PROBABILITY of saving the marriage... But as I look back now, I think the nails were all in the coffin well before then.
I guess I've been long-winded enough for this posting. The final thought I had was in response to your question if I had considered "more growth." Of course. My personal motto is: "I reserve the right to be more correct today than yesterday!" Perhaps I am growing in my pain, but sometimes I just feel like I don't know what to do.
Thank you for this conversation.
WBF
