I have posted my abuse. About 7 years ago my H carried me like a 2 by 4 into the shower and pressed his arm over my throat and put the shower nozzle in my face so I was unable to breath, twice he did that as my son (8 at the time) scream between seeing that. My H pulled me by one arm and dragged my backside over the shower hump, through the bathroom and into the hall where he had a shot gun, that I later found out was not loaded. He said before that he was going to kill himself. H did panic as we later found out he has abandonment issues from his childhood.

After that he sufficated me, stalked me and every man he thinks is out to get his W. 3 years ago he raped me. H has stopped doing those abusive things at this time and now does manipulative things. Trying to get me to have sex even though I was in pain.

I tell myself time after time...NO MORE.

H wants another chance. I told him I owe him nothing and there is NO us. I have told him I'm not interested in sex with him. Of course he wants to know who I'm interested in sex with. I said, "I'm not interested in sex period". H wants to touch, hug and cuddle. I think that is a way for him to get back in the door.

Have I enabled his behavior? I have tried to stand up for myself...set boundaries. My H has complied and said he will do anything. He has gained a few pounds and is depressed a little. H finally took my advice and got in a sport that he loves every Thursday night.

I told my H he needs to get an IC and that there is no us until he works on himself. I don't want to have sex with him, I don't love him in that way anymore. I feel I can be a friend. Am I nuts...I feel perhaps with some time being friends I might feel something for him again. My H will agree he was an idiot for doing what he did and he has said another man will be very lucky to have a wonderful woman like me. My H confusses me.

I don't think he deserves another chance. I realize as I bought him a nice football shirt today and went to watch him play ball tonight that I'm more than just nice, I'm codependent. I just keep coming back for the abuse. Things do change, he just changes his abuse. Physical, sexual and now emotional. Well he is now being manipulative to get the sex. Even with H feeling depressed because he is not getting sex bothers me, but I'm still not giving him sex...H "NEEDS" to work on himself and stop manipulating me by looking sad to get laid.

I feel like I need B_tch lessons. I don't think I can work on this M...how can I?

DO NOT GIVE HIM HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE!!!! Not until he gets some much, much, much needed help. He does not deserve another chance. He needs counseling as do you. You do not deserve or need to be in that type of situation. NOR DOES YOUR SON!!!

H says he will do anything, but I don't see him doing the most important thing I asked him to do...get help.

H thinks if we have sex the relationship is great. I do give him a hug at night and that is about it. H says he misses me and that is not to make me feel guilty...hmmmmm he misses me when we are in bed but doesn't say it any place else in the house. That was manipulative to get sex in my opinion, the old guilt trip.

Get help or get out!

I'm not going to mother him.

I have found plenty of groups of activities, and find myself staying busy. I'm very much making plenty of healthy friends. And as I tell all the male friends...friends don't F. So I'm upfront and clear. Many don't care I'm M, but I do even if it's not a good M.

I must set a time line of H getting help? I can't live like this forever.

Struggling, I thought you were filing for divorce. Do you have a plan to get out of the house without him knowing? When is your exit date?

You know you cannot give him another chance until he's demonstrated real change. These promises are part of the cycle. And, can I just say that one of the BIG disservices pop psychology has giving us is the issues excuse. "He has abondonment issues." Well, who doesn't??? What happens to us means squat at the end day. It's what we DO that matters.

Once you are out of the house, your h may be more motivated to get the real help he needs. And maybe, learning to live through you separating until he permenantly changes, will actually help him handle the abandonment issues.

Gosh, life is a series of abondonments. Best friends dump us for popular kids, boyfriends and girlfriends break up with us, or cheat on us. Our parents divorce, or leave, or die. And as we get older, people leave us behind when they pass on to the afterlife. We need the confidence to stand on our feet through that, to forge new relationships, and cherish the memories we have. People are not possessions; they come and go in our lives at their own discretion.

OH, and you need to set a timeline for leaving. I doubt your husband will get real help until you leave, if then.

Many hugs.

The Gov. signed the health form bill that allows one spouse to stay on the other spouses health insurance. Jan 1st this goes in. I will have health coverage now.

GG I know even if my H did change I don't think it's in me to save this M...too much hurt.

I am still getting the plan, but sometimes it just seems so easy to stay, to give in and just stay. The IC I have right now was so happy to hear I wanted to D. I am up and down.

I am working on me leaving and he is working on cuddling more and more. H puts his head on my shoulder and he also tells me he misses me. I tell myself this is another form of manipulation.

The lawyer said 10 days after we file we will be D. I need his health insurance...he has great coverage.

H said he wants the house and will work 2 jobs to keep it. At this time I have worked out some of the details of the D and have contacted the lawyer, I just can't file that soon.

I must stay focused on a D. That is what is best for me.

Your husband absolutely MUST work on himself. If he does that, gets counseling for abuse and anger, and goes several years with no more problems, then you can feel safe in getting closer to him. But I would DIVORCE him now. You can always get remarried when he makes lasting changes.

Struggling, you are willing to risk being put in the hospital at the hands of your husband in order to maintain his health coverage???

This is fallacious thinking. I believe they have to offer you COBRA in the event of a divorce. It's expensive but you can keep it until you get on your work's policy.

I'm really worried what will happen when your husband gets worn out from this "cuddling" and stuff, and you still don't want to be married to him. HOw is he going to react? How will he react when you file for divorce on January 2 and he realizes you only stayed for the health coverage? Will you be alive to use the coverage you stuck around for?