It has been almost 2 years since I found this website. I have read and re-read books on how to save a marriage and how one person can save a marriage, but right now, I do not believe that this is possible. My husband doesn’t believe reading a book can help and tells me it is going to take more than that to save our marriage.

We have now been married 19 years and it seems to only get more difficult. For the last 4 years our marriage has been falling apart. Nothing in common is what my husband tells me, but we never try to find mutual ground. We talk and some hope is restored, but it always goes right back to how it was.

My husband told me last night that his hates his life. He hates going to work, he hates coming home, he hates everything involved in and around his life. He says he cannot understand why I say I love him when there is no love left between us. I told him that I do love him, that we can fix our marriage, but he wants no part of it.

We have 2 girls together, a 17 year old and a 15 year old. Both are aware of the problems we are having. Our 15 year old told her dad that she wished we would divorce. No there is no yelling or screaming, just polite conversation, no quality time, not much laughing and very little physical contact. We are like roommates that don’t speak much.

I have struggled with my emotions for so long now, that I don’t know which way to go. I want to fight for my marriage but everything I try or do, I seem to run into a brick wall. I know that I cannot make him love me but it is so hard to imagine a life without him. My stress level is stressed out. I continue each day, trying not to upset him, but when the stress takes it toll on me, I try to talk to him about our situation and I only makes it worse. I don’t demand things from him, but I do ask for us to be able to spend some time together.

Finally last night when he said those things, I told him that I did love him and if he would just look and see that I am still here for him, we could fix this. I couldn’t break through the wall he has built up. He has given up and I have to come to realize that it is only days now before everything will end. I’m not sure how to handle this. I know he says he no longer loves me but when do I know for sure enough is enough. Do I just let go? Do I close down our marriage and walk away? Do I just let him go and hope he comes back?

I am by no means an expert, but 2 things you wrote raised flags to me:


He sounds depressed. Can you convince him to see his doctor? Depression is a clinical condition that is treatable.


Any version of "I don't love you anymore" could indicate that he is having an affair. You haven't provided information as to his habits and routines but you have indicated that you don't do anything together anymore. It may be worth investigating - especially given that he's likely depressed and is probably very vulnerable to having an affair.

Undecided, I know you've read the books. What parts of them did you incorporate into your behavior? What have you changed in the last 2 years?

If you've been meeting his needs and not LBing, and he still isn't coming around, it may be that you've done as much as you can. Obviously, he's still been meeting your needs or you wouldn't feel love for him at this point.

Are there any signs that he's having an affair? What about a mid-life crisis? (Note: Don't be dismissive if it is a mid-life crisis. If that's it, it doesn't mean he wasn't unhappy before.)

Why does your 15 year old daughter wish you two would get divorced?

More information will help with your question.

Sorry it has taken me so long to reply.

Tabby1:
I have tried to convince my H to seek help for his depression, but have never succeeded. No, I do not believe my H is having an affair. If he were, he would tell me, it would be his way of ending our relationship.

Greengables:
To be honest, I haven't constantly or consistently put major effort into saving our marriage. It seems that over the last 4 years we managaed to disappoint each other more than support each other.

I have asked myself over and over again what do I want and I seem to make a different conclusion every other day. I do love my H but I am tired. He always tells me that too much has happened to fix things. I'm starting to wonder if he might be right.

You need to get him to see a doctor. I have ADD and my wife thought I was depressed too. I'm not 100% sure about the depression.

I've been on and off the meds because part of ADD is just not remembering to take them. Just this week I got back on them, FOR GOOD. I'll spare you the details of what it took to make me commit to do it for myself but It's made a world of difference!

I think that one person can save a marriage but it's a magnitude harder add depression and it's worse yet.

Convince him to see a doc! Get his parents, siblings and best friend if needed.

Undecided - I could have written your posts. I'm divorced now but wish I wasn't.

Keep trying to get your H to a doctor. Mine didn't go til I had asked him to move out because walking on eggshells every day of my life became too much to bear.

Now he's been on meds for nearly 3 years and he's stable - back to being the man I married - only thing is, we're divorced and he (and I both) have/had entered into relationships after the fact...I ended mine and I want to reconcile with my H but he's still somewhat involved with his GF (who moved in with him for a year, then moved away again but they are still somehow "involved") and at this point while we get along great, he's not receptive to reconciliation.

If you want to save your M - work on YOU. That's the mistake I made - I blamed his depression for everything. It was a big problem, but had I worked on my own junk... well I don't know what might have been - but I know that if I had a re-do I'd do a lot of things differently for a long time before the point of no return.

You have my prayers - your situation sounds a lot like mine. I pray for a better outcome for you.

JinGA

Undecided,

Don't give up!

http://www.retrouvaille.org/
www.divorcebusting.com
www.lightyourfire.com
....and a great one to let you know that there is always a chance...
www.rejoiceministries.org

Don't give up!

Undecided, I'm with suckr4luv ~ your husband needs to see a dr. about possible depression, don't give up on him, continue to smother him with love, it sounds to me like he needs all your support if he hates everything about his life, it's not just about you. You sound like a very supportive loving mother and wife. Don't give up. Foreverhope.

How would you convince him that he needs to see a doctor about his depression when he has never trusted doctors to begin with?

Foreverhope:
I cannot say that I have been a "very supportive" mother or wife for the last few years. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and not make the mistakes that I have made with letting my H emotionally down.

Gawd you sound like me, Undecided. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I don't know how you can convince him to see a Dr. Does he admit he has a problem? Mine didn't - he said it was me, or whomever else was p*ssing him off at the time. He finally went on his own after we were past the point of no return.

I don't know if anything would have gone down differently had we stayed together during that time. All I know is I tried for years to "make it work" and "keep it together" but we ended up more miserable.

If anything good came out of my situation, it's that XH did seek treatment finally and he's been stable on meds for the last couple of years. Took a while for the docs to find the right 'cocktail' for him - and he'll likely be on it for the rest of his life. He knows this, accepts it and takes his meds - and he's human again.

Unfortunately he hooked up with whom I consider to be an "internet golddigger" in the interim (I moved on too but ended it when I saw it was a dead end and realized I still am in love with my XH)... his relationship is more or less over (GF moved away again, but they are still "a couple" for whatever reasons).

I've told XH how I feel and that I'd like for him to want to come home again one day - but thusfar he's not receptive to that even though we still have a pretty strong connection. He told me he doesn't think the feelings are there anymore (but his actions have said otherwise), he wouldn't say "never" but he did say "unlikely" (in my sig line).

I haven't given up all hope - but I'm staying realistic too. His relationship now will end eventually - perhaps soon even - but that doesn't necessarily mean he'll want to come home again.

Stay married if you want to work this out -it's your best chance. Work on you - that's all you can do. Keep encouraging him to seek treatment - that's all you can do for that too.

You have my thoughts and prayers - your situation is *so* similar to mine.

JinGA