Ok,
Wife and I are really progressing rather nicely. She has maintained NC for 5 months or so. We are growing closer to each other and I really think we will make it.


Heres the sitch. She drove up to Milwaukee last night with her girlfriends to see the Keith Urban concert they spent the night. I don't think anything happened , this has been planned since december.
She kept in touch with me all night via cell phone and texts even from the concert , she sent me a few pics from there. Well I sat home alone last night for the first time since d-day. I started feeling down. Thought raced through my head and I ended up calling OM. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


He didn't talk to me. This morning I used her old cell phone , the one which they used to "keep in touch" to start a texting marathon, he thought I was her.
I had him thinking that we were fighting about their past transgressions. I brought up a few things that I assumed had happened, I have found out that some were true and others just my imagination. "I" again him thinking it was her told him that Hubby found you address on Intellius.com and that I was going to go over ther and shove the phone down his throat. He replied " I don't need this no more . "
Went on to say that I am throwing her out and she needs to stay with him now. boy did he balk at that one. He was telling her to try to work it out with me.

Now I know they havent been in contact in months. He called the phone and boy was he surprised when "I" answered. I started into a tirade , he stopped me he said,"listen I know that you don't know me but listen to what I have to say then you can finish." He said that it was just talking about stupid things. That they never met each other in person, that pics were exchanged and he was sorry for that.
He said "I know how you feel I went through the same thing with my ex wife." I asked how it made him feel when it happened to him. "like $hit" I said well why the HE!! would you do that to someone else!

I told him that she is my wife and the mother of our children. Howdo you think this makes her look to me to her children to our families and friends?
He felt bad he said I know I know I went thru the same thing. I is abad thing I was wrong .You won't hear from me ever again. He apologized. I shot down his apology.
I said" nice you get to walk away scott free while we are left behind to clean up this huge mess."

OM" no I am not walking away scott free. I feel like crap about this ." Please don't give up on your wife.You sound like you really love her. Work it out with her we haven't talked in several months."

ME" I do love her with all my heart, and intend to make it thru this with her. The only thing is I don't trust her right now."


heres the good part must have been a MBer himself.

OM" I know that this sounds corny but, think of trust like a bank account. The more you put into it the more you trust someone.Withdraw trust and it goes to zero, but you can replenish the account by putting more trust into it again."


ME " Yeah I know but you have overdrawn my account and I now have to start all over again."

OM " I am sorry about that."

ME " Yeah me too, do me a favor the next time you decide to mess around with someone elses wife , think about how it made you feel when it was happening to you."


OM" I will it will never happen again , I never really thought about it like that before and again I am really sorry best of luck to you both"




Sorry it's so long winded. Heres my question. Do I tell my wife that I did this or just let it go and act like it never happened?

NC means NC for BOTH of you. Do you feel better? Then why do it.

I wouldn't tell your wife, but if she asks, I wouldn't deny it. OM is out of the picture. LET IT GO!!!

Are you going to MC? If not, you need to because these thoughts you are having will eat you up.

cd, get ready to duck, here comes a 2x4. You shouldn't have done what you did. With that said, I can't say I wouldn't have done it myself.

Likewise, I wouldn't tell my W about the call. I know that's contrary to Radical Honesty and Openness, but to tell your W would crush her, and all the warm, fuzzy feelings she's redeveloping. If you tell her, or she finds out, it could set your recovery back months. I may get flamed for that advice.

Now that you have HIS confirmation the OM is out of the picture, move on, and work on building your relationship, and stop peeking back over your shoulder.

Jim's right...if these thoughts keep eating at you, get some IC or MC and get them exorcised. They will eat you up.

Keep your eye on the horizon in FRONT of you, and work towards getting your marriage where you want it, and let the smoking wreckage of the past remain where it belongs.

Best wishes,
SD

Agree with the last two posters completely. I don't know if it will help if you tell your wife. Again, if she asks, then you must but try to move on. What were you looking for from the OM? It sounds like you got the "best case sneario" in that he actually sounded like he had some remorse and learned a leason. From what I have heard and experienced, that is rare, yet it seems so many BS want that. They want the OP to understand the pain they have inflicted and to actually care, feel remorse, apologize, all that. He did it--so now move on completely forever. There should be no need for you or her to ever contact the man.

Thanks i knew it was a bad idea. I was just looing for proof either way .
As far as the MC goes. We had been having weekly sessions with Jennifer until May. She actually lives in the Phillipines so was able to arrange our sessions for 9pm. due to the time zone she was in. That worked out for us because it's after the kids are in bed.
She is in the states right now for the summer so the scheduling couldn't be accomodated.When she returns to the Phillipines in August we will resume our sessions. Boy I really do need them because lately everything is just building up inside of my head. Like I said with Wife gone last night the pressure just reached the threshold and I snapped. I do actually feel ok about having talked to him because I "know" thay haven't talked and that he knows its over for good, or he will get a cell phone jammed down his throat. I kinda joked with him a little when I said I don't have enough gas in my truck to drive up to Toronto right now anyway. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Again you guys are right I shouldn't have done it but it's done. Just wasn't sure if I should tell wifey about it .


By the way SD could you throw some 2x6's instead? I need about 12 of them to finish up the railings on my deck. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sorry folks.. I've gotta disagree.

What with the double standard?

If you expect Trust and Honesty, you'd best lead by example.

Not telling the spouse to "ease" the emotional damage is heard all too often when a WS is trying to hide an A.

Tell her, apologize, get over this speed bump on your road to recovery.

There has been no contact... YET... but he certainly had no qualms about jumping right in on the texting party AND HE called her cellphone thinking it would be her.

I think he's playing you.

I think you took a GREAT risk of reopening that can of worms by contacting him. Suppose a month or two down the road they do make contact and he brings up this convo "with her".

You need to tell her what you did and apologize.

Chicago,

The next time this happens, not when it is full blown anxiety but when it first begins. I know you can feel when it starts, the anxiety level starts to increase, can you make a conscious effort to thwart it into a positive action?

Like going jogging, or if you are cook getting out a complicated recipe, putting on some good music and do something that will pull the focus into something positive.

You have to find postive ways to relieve anxiety and not let this kind of behavior happen.

It takes a conscious effort, that is all, it is not difficult to thwart the anxiety, just the effort.

It really works, I use it to this day to calm myself. For me it is music, cooking or gardening. For you it could be the same or jogging, biking, walking, etc.

I'm with PM and JKT - you have to tell her what you did.

Tell her you were weak.
Tell her you were insecure.
Tell her you were in a dark place in your heart.

Tell her of your pain.

She needs to know that you have fears, and that you aren't over this. That your trust is still wavering.

Then, you had better do something about getting rid of the cell phone that they used to stay in touch. Why does she still have that? I would change that number in a big hurry, because OM has her number now - because YOU gave it to him when you called, if he didn't already have it.

Change the cell phone number today, Chicago.

And tell your wife. She deserves honesty in your relationship as much as you do.

Schoolbus

Yes, the more I think about it. It is probably better to tell. Lead by example... You messed up and did something that is probably irrational. Step up, admit it, explain why you did it and tell her the good and the bad of the act. Especially, after thinking about the "opening a can of worms" comment. He may call. He may have not been thinking about her until you brought it all up. Hopefully, he was sincere in his remorse but don't take the chance. Change the cell phone number and pray that there is not any contact ever.

There are 6 billion people in the world. We all can't let one steal our joy. And we have good odds that they will never "bump" or "crash(great movie)" into each other ever again.

My vote is you tell her....LATER.

This is a great way for you to confirm no contact. IF she finds out about the conversation and text messages you'll have your confirmation of a breach of no contact.

Sure Radical Honesty...but later in recovery, in my opinion.

This worked for me. There were things that occurred which Mrs. W was unaware of for about a year after No Contact. Mrs. W was briefly upset but hashed it out and completely understood. SHE indicated to me that had she known earlier it may have set her back in recovery. Our marriage didn't need that at the time.

I vote for waiting for the fog to clear and Chicagodad feeling a lot more secure in his marriage before sharing this tidbit. The information MAY just put his wife back in withdrawal and focus too much attention on OM (what was said, who said what, why, how does OM feel, was OM upset, etc.) not to mention it will make Chicagodad look weak, needy, desparate, etc.. Chicagodad doesn't need that right now nor does his marriage and family.

Radical Honesty...LATER. He's still in the battle for his wife's heart.

Mr. Wondering