I am 2 years from the initial D-Day. One year from my wife admitting to sexual contact and about 3 months from her being 90% honest and answering the details about the affair.

So, I know all affairs are bad and disrespectful but her affair just seems to be Very Disrespectful. Her behavior during the affair, actually the first day of the affair, seems to show that she did not have any respect for me.

1) She progressed to sex within hours of meeting the OM
2) She says she loved me before, during and after but never said or mentioned this to the OM
3) She says she felt obligated to please the OM because he had been so nice to her the entire night. She says she did not want to but the OM wanted sex and she felt compelled to please him in some matter.
4) She walked around in public holding hands with the OM the next day in front of mutual friends. (Must not have had much remorse).
5) She never realized that this man never respected her situation, marriage, as kept attempting to have sex with her the first night and then again the following morning(they spent the night together).

This man made her become an adultery and was interested in sex in the first night meeting her and she did not perceive this as a negative. She then walked around like she had done a good thing and wanted everyone to know. She says she was afraid to say no or to not go along with what he wanted to do because she wanted to be liked. She did not want him to think that she was limited in what she could do because of her marriage.

This just seems disrespectful. How do you progress to adultery in one night and not feel remorse but say that you loved and respected me. How do you go out and have public displays of affection with a man would lead you to sex. The man took her for "a walk" and promised nothing would happen. Well, they got to a dark place and he did try something and she went along. He lied and did not show respect for her. Yet, she was OK with that and even spent the night and held hands.

I don't know if I can get over the whole lack of respect. Anyone else have respect issues???

Of course she didn't respect you... at the time. Of course OM didn't respect her. You're two years into recovery and nearly that long since no contact.

Have you guys had any kind of counseling? Do you practice the MB methods? What lead to the recent discovery of the details? Was that in a confrontation? In counseling? Just an oh, by the way? Are you beating her up verbally with the past?

You can do this on your own but it is very very hard. You need help to know what to do with these kinds of questions and emotions that come up.

Whether you realize it or not, your wife's behavior was rather typical. It is because they are enamored of a fantasy, and not really a person. They use all kinds of horrible judgement and do things that no sane person would do. It is rather mind-boggling.

I would concentrate on meeting each others' emotional needs and spending 15 hours a week together doing fun things.

Hope,

Has your wife expressed remorse since that time? Has she made an effort to open her life to you and be accountable for time and money? Has she reinvested in the marriage? Has she answered all of your questions? These are the kinds of things that halt real recovery. You've survived the affair....but the marriage is still not in recovery. Tell me what your "recovery plan" looks like.

Princess, yes we have had two attempts at counseling. One was within the first year. At the time she only admitted to having a friend and a somewhat emotional affair. Even in counseling, she stated that that was all it was. Last year, she admitted that she had brief sexual contact during the first night. At counseling she still downplayed the event, stated it only was for a minute or two and still downplayed the relationship. This past April, she then admitted that it was not just brief contact and that there was more to the affair. She admitted that she saw him again briefly and that there was emails, text messaging and lots of phone contact. She admitted that the conversation was intimate.

We do practive the MB methods but she was not willing to be open and honest about the affair until a few months ago. She states it is very hard for her to talk about it and she refused until recently. This hurt me and I did have a very difficult time recovering. I explained this to her numerous times but she still would not be open and honest. She stated that she blocked out the affair and did not want to think about it. The fulls details did not come out until after we attened the Retrovaiule marriage weekend.

Yes, we have had numerous confrontation but they did stem from the fact that she could not be honest about the affair. I don't beat her up but I did bring it up often because there was so many missing pieces to the story because of her inability to discuss it. Again, she was dishonest in couseling both years(probably 20-30 sessions) and in pastor meetings.

Starfish, she now has remorse and probably says she is so sorry for what she did to me and her 3 children(yes, they all were affected). She has opened her currently life. She has been doing that since December 2005. She has been great as far as present events, she just could not deal with the past. No, she has not answered all questions. Again, she just started being honest in April/May of this year.

We do spend quality time together. Probably more than 15 hours a week. We are both accountable to each other for our time and money. We try hard to meet each other emotional needs. Again, the present wife has been great. It has just been hard to get over the pain of the event. The fact that she started to be open and honest the last few months has helped a lot.

Believer,

Yes, I hear that her behavior is rather typical. I just can not believe that she could go into this state so quickly. She was with the guy only hours before she moved towards adultery and then she went into the fog. She chose to ignore everything bad about this man(he lied to her, he did not respect her marriage or family, he put pressure on her to become sexual). She says she loved me prior as we had an 8 year marriage with the children however she states that she was drunk and this man gave her complements and made her feel comfortable. After the incident, it seems she just fell in love with a man she really did not know and instantly fell out of love. I read about other WS with this behavior but it seems that it happens after the WS has been around the OP for weeks/months and has had there needs met for longer than a few hours.

Hope_Full,

My wife had sex with the OM in my Aunts house.

He lived in my Aunts Basement apartment and my Wife and my two children were guests in my Aunts house.

My cousins wall was next to OM's and he heard them having SF.

She had met the OM before but went out with My Cousin and some other people OM included. Left that night 3 or 4 days into her vacation and Had SF with him. My kids were upstairs.

She carried on with him while there for 2 weeks until my aunt and her got into a fist fight. Becuase my wife was so obvious. Even after that she still hung out with OM.

She took him out to dinner and charged it on my credit card on our anniversary and then went and had sf with him.

She got her belly button pierced 2 days before our anniversary.


Then she took my kids on "outings" including an amusement park with the OM.

Introduced him to her sister and brother in law when he came over to take her to the beach.

And like your wife mine lied for almost 3 and a half years about the extent of her affair. IE she had sex that first night. And more lies. I could go through my old posts but I prefer not to.

So if you think your wife is special get in line my friend and welcome to "what the ******(heck) were they thinking"

Frognomore,

Thanks. Yes, I know her behavior was not "special". Is your story and recovery posted somewhere else. I would be curious to see what helped your situation as yes, it too included lots of situations that was very disrespectful to you and your family.

Hope,

Just realize that there is nothing your FWW did that many other FWS didn't do as well, if not more. Some recovered, some did not.

Right as of today my FWW and I are not recovered. We are married yes, recovered no.

Part ot it is the lack of trust we have based on me having to be Magnum PI to get the details of the affair. When I read your post today about the extended discovery it kicked me in the tail.

My FWW and I had a discussion today about trust, or my lack of it for her. REason being the deceit about her affair.

So realize you have a tough road ahead.

It isn't impossible but it is tough.