Here is a draft for my "Plan B" letter. Any help and comments would be appreciated. Thank you.
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Wife,

This affair and it's aftermath have hurt me beyond my wildest imaginings and it's affecting my feelings towards you. I don't want to feel this way anymore and I need to protect myself from these feelings. To keep my feelings from getting any worse, I have decided to separate from you and initiate divorce proceedings.

I want us to stay married. I don't want to divorce from you. This is not how I wanted our life together to end up.

I have learned an awful lot about how I have contributed to our marriage troubles. I've worked very hard to right my wrongs and be a better husband and friend for you through counseling, books, taking better care of you, meeting your needs, etc. I owe up to my part in this and I assume full responsibility for my behavior in our marriage. I will still do what ever I can for you to preserve our marriage.

I want our girls to grow up with us both, together. I want them to grow up in their family with both of their parents. I want them to feel secure in their parents and their parents love. I want them to have the family that neither of us had growing up.

I want to work with you to create a new marriage and a new life, better than what we ever had before. I want us to be best friends, soul mates, lovers, parents, etc. To build a life where we both can be happy and fulfilled. A place we and our children can blossom.

As we have not been able to work through our differences and problems, I've decided to separate and initiate divorce proceedings. As our marriage is broken, so is our friendship. I do not want any contact with you in any way. No phone calls, text messages, email, personal contact, etc. Please respect this no contact.

I would like the joint checking account closed, all credit cards cut-up and credit holds placed on them. I will continue to pay off the balances. I would like to work out a visitation schedule for the girls where we both can see them equally. I suggest, 1 week on, 1 week off. We can adjust accordingly as their school and our schedules change.

I want us to keep our family and marriage together. I want us to put the past behind us and work together to rebuild our lives. I really don't want this separation and divorce. For us to rebuild our marriage though, these conditions will have to be met by you:
-Cessation of all affairs.
-Disclosure of all past affairs.
-Disclosure of personal history.
-Sincere and remorseful apologies to myself, children, friends and families.
-Individual, Marriage and Family counseling.
-No contact with XYZ.
-Consideration to end relationships with friends, family, etc. who interfere with our marriage.
-Complete openness and honesty.
-Boundaries established between your family of origin and our family.
-Commitment to financial and investment budgets.
-A plan to rebuild our marriage, including Dr. Harley's concepts, Divorce Busting, etc.
-Consideration to attend Sunday church services.
-Testing for STD's.
-Recommitment to wedding vows.
I understand that these things may be hard for you, I know that they may be painful, but I will stand by you, support you, and help you through them.

Please respect my request for no contact at this time. I've asked Pastor ABC to be our intermediary concerning our children and our finances. All contact with me should be made through him.

I love you more than anything in this world and I want to stay married to you for the rest of our lives.


Husband.

Revised with lots of help:

Wife,

This is not what I wished for our lives but you have left me no workable choice.

Contact me only regarding our children and only through email.
All other contact can be done through our Pastor.

I have good memories of the woman I married and I wish I knew where she went.

If you should decide to put some work into our marriage it is a possibility.

The door is closed but not locked.

Yet.

Husband.

Wow. That's a good letter.

Do you feel like your mind and heart are in sync? Have finances secured and a plan for you and your family?

Make sure you present all actions as a family action so you are not individually pitted against the WS. WS' have a hard time when there is a group against them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid,
Housing is secured, can't get in till Jul 31. 3 days away...

I've already moved the finances and restablished credit etc. in my name. All things are paid up in advance concerning the move.

The immediate plan is to stabalize my children and I's emotional health. We need some distance from their mother's life of "chaos".
My children could really use an environment with more "reality" and less "fantasy".

The Bobelina Odyssey chronicled here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1

The change will be good for us.
I hadn't planned for it to happen this way, but as my wife pulled another stunt yesterday, I decided the kids need to be with me for the time being. With that decision I decided to also take with us the majority of our household. I'd planned to make it easier for my wife and not claim too many of our things, mostly just my personal stuff, some kid things for them.

But she pulled another stupid stunt yesterday. Unwise...

Through out this nitemare she has refused to leave. So I'm leaving, but taking the kids and all of our stuff with us now. No more trying to be "fair" to the wife. I must look out for the kids and I's best interests and be done with her "chaos".

bobelina, I would remove this part of your Plan B letter:


She should not be able to contact you for any thing except absolute emergencies. I would suggest putting together a visitation schedule beforehand to cut down on communication. Communication of any sort defeats the purpose of Plan B. She can keep you sucked into her crap that way. Plan B means NO CONTACT. NONE.


This kind of rotation is he11 on kids. I would not like to have to pack up and move every other week, and would not tolerate it as an adult.

Instead, I would make the custody arrangements SUIT THEIR BEST INTERESTS. For example, since your W has lost her mind, it is not in their best interest to be at her nutty mercy for a week at a time without their father around. You are the only sane parent they have!

If she is having creepy men around, that only dramatically increases their risk of being MOLESTED. So, set up an arrangement with you having PRIMARY CUSTODY and her having limited visitation unless otherwise ordered by court order and HEAVILY armed sherrif.

Instead, make sure they spend every night in their own beds and allow her to see them every Monday and Wed evening from 4-7 and take them every other Saturday afternoon. [12-6] Stipulate also that they are never ever to be exposed to her sleazy affair partners.

You can attach such a visitation schedule to your Plan B letter, and make it clear to her she is not to come in your home, but to pull in the driveway and the kids will come out.

Secondly, I would take as much furniture as you can so you can set up a nice home for your kids in the new place. I know furnishings are not important to guys, but it will make your children feel better if they are around familiar furnishings.

Which letter do you plan on sending her? I am unclear on that point.

MelodyLane,
I'm thinking the second letter. I've run it by my couselor, waiting for a reply. Have a consultation with S Harley on Monday. I'll run it by him too.

So far I'm taking the household with the kids and I.

Have you read my main post?
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1

It tells more of the saga.

I will meet with lawyer this week as I've decided to go with full custody/visitation as I feel she is unstable. And with supervised visits at that. I agree with your concerns on a schedule, kinda what I was thinking too.

I think I scared the h**ll out of her last nite when I talked of her being "evaluated" before I leave her with the kids.

Bob, I vote for your FIRST LETTER because it will have the best effect and is in line with Marriage Builders principles. The Plan B letter should be a love letter that gives your spouse a clear PATH BACK. The 2nd letter is not a love letter and doesn't give a path back. REmember, this letter is your parting shot before you go dark, so it needs to leave the best impression possible. Many waywards read this letter over and over again, so it is important that it be PLEASANT and that it clearly gives the path back.

The first letter would be good if you cut back on the conditions [stipulate that she must end her affair and commit to the restoration of the marriage, all other details can be worked out later] The letter should also designate an intermediary and make it clear that there is to be absolutely no contact, unless it is an emergency. Not even email contact with you. [contact is contact]

As far as running it by your counselor, I have to ask: is your counselor qualified in Marriage Builder principles and does he understand Plan B? Because many are not qualified in even the basics of adultery.

MelodyLane,
Read my first post. Most all details are there.
Divorce is underway. Kids and I are leaving this weekend. False R all the way.
I'm kinda torn between the two structures of the letter so far.
I have a consultation with S Harley Monday and I will not make a move on this letter till then.
I would be very interested in your help with a rewrite.
I'm not sure my counselor is qualified in MB, as far as training with the Harleys, but he was using many if not all the MB principles with me. I'd started reading this website and noticed that what he and I were working on were MB principles. He's been reading all the Harley books lately too. And he's a Pastor.
The Plan A/Plan B thing weren't as aligned as the other principles. What I mean by that is we didn't speak of it as Plan A/Plan B, Read my post for details.
He'd asked me to do essentially a long Plan A, as my wife's background is pretty dysfunctional. Asked me to be really patient. In essence Plan A to the teeth.
The plan B part is the fuzzy part. As this was starting to wear me down, I started to assert boudaries abit more. No selfish demands. Just holding her accoutable for what she agreed to, such as counseling, meeting ENs, 4 Rules of Protection, etc.
HNHN, SAA, etc. have been on our bedstand for well over a year. Also Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy, Mars/Venus, etc. and the B-I-B-L-E.
But, alas. She wasn't out of the Fog yet.
I'm starting to feel, and others seem to have noticed this also, that her problems, are far greater then any marriage problems we may have or have had.
This is beyond the marriage. This is her core. And yes, unevenly yoked.
But, I'm not a quitter, so Plan B, and Letter are my last efforts. This nitemare is taking it's toll on my family, and once again the issues are far bigger then the marriage. It appears that it's in her core being that the issues lie.
You, as some others here also, have a perspective that is very much like my Pastor/Counselor. I like it and I find comfort in it. I'd like to hear more.
Thank you a ton !!!

MelodyLane,
I'm going to be lazy and not retype my latest stories, but here they are on another board:

Need Help w/Plan B (LRT) Letter
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=179717&AP=1

Drama at the Bobelina House
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=179766

Help with Moving On:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=179792

Let me know what you think. I really do appreciate you taking the time to help me.

From a FWS standpoint I agree the first one it too long, after the first few lines all she will see is blah, blah. blah and the meaning will get lost.

Just my 2 cents.

LC

Bob, I had already read most of your older posts. That doesn't change my advice about Plan B.

MelodyLane,
How would you rewrite it?
Thanks.
BoB.
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The drama continues at My house. I'll talk with S Harley tomorrow. I've a call to my couselor today.

I hope to get this letter to her tomorrow. I'm also waiting for call backs from lawyers as to how to procede. Went and talked with Police today, just to make sure that I'm doing nothing wrong and to have some record should anything happen. This will be the third time I've talked with them. I don't like doing that. I'm trying not to cause anymore trouble.

She's called my cell a few more times, left messages, and text. I have had NC with her since Friday nite. I'd like her to honor my request to stay away until Wed and not to contact me. She left a pretty heated voicemail on my phone also. This is not fun.

Bob, here is a really good explanation along with a sample Plan B letter that might help: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1143897

Bob - here is a link to my thread with my PBL that was delivered last week.

See draft #4:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=2&vc=1

Friends,
I appreciate all of your help.
I consulted with S Harley Mon AM. What a guy !!! It was very helpful and awesome to speak with him. He heard the letter, recomended to more strongly state the path back. I decided to leave as is.
My WS has started counseling !!! With my counselor !!! Cross your fingers.
The kids and I are in new digs and NC has been maintained since Fri. She does talk with the kids. She dropped them some things to day. Pulled to the curb kid got things and then she left.
I'm starting to feel how the NC creates healing space. It's still really hard though. Time I guess.
Thank you again.

bobelina,

I promised I'd respond to you and so here I am. When I first saw you're first few posts, I was actually busy with something else and then spent a week recovering from a computer crash. I didn't jump into your threads because I saw that Larry, Eph, Orchid and Mel were already responding to you and, trust me, that is a pretty good group to have on your side. LC also gave you some good specific advise, so I figured you had made your decisions and where on your way.

What can I help you with? You seem to be in Plan B, but more likely on the road to Plan D, since you seem to have filed for divorce.

Mark

Mark,
How do I handle my girls? DD 8 & 12. What do I say? What is "strong"? How can I best serve them through this time? Anything that you can throw at me. What you've said above on other topics, assures me that you may have some good nuggets about this.
Thanks.

bobelina,

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I spent a couple days doing extra stuff that I hadn't anticipated and am not really in shape for.


I think you need to explain to your girls what is going on, but you need to do it in a way that does not come across as vindictive toward you WW. Avoid sarcastic commentary as you discuss this with them.

You also need to be their rock right now. You need to put them first and spend extra time with them. Let them know that while you and Mom might not be a couple any more, that you value them greatly and will do what ever is required to protect them and safeguard their lives.

My wife was about 12 when her mother ran off with the piano teacher and she still resents her for not being there during her teen years. Kids always wonder if it was because of something they did that Mom and Dad are fighting. They need to be reassured that this is not the case.

They also need someone to be a stabilizing influence in their lives. Everything they thought was true and tight has just been thrown out the window and they are questioning everything they once thought they knew for certain. At 8 years old, you never expect you parents to NOT be there for you and you certainly don't expect them to no longer be together. Since kids are often told early on that they are the result of their parents love, to discover that Mom and Dad no longer love each other is quite a shock.

All you can do is try to be the best Dad you can be to them. Be careful that you don't over compensate and give them to many things and too much freedom for their ages. You still have to be the parent and you need to be the stable parent for them as long as your WW is off having her fun. Even if the kids are living with her, she is not likely to be doing what is required as far as being their for them and helping heal their pain over this. It will fall to you to keep your head screwed on straight and show them what a parent, specifically a father should be.

You can talk this to death with them (something I am clearly prone to do myself) but what you really need to do is to SHOW them that you are not going to abandon them under any circumstances. Try to not over do the freedom thing, but also don't go overboard on tightening rules, since this will easily be read as trying to make up for past mistakes with Mom.

And when they bring home their first boyfriends, which will happen before you are ready for it, refrain from giving them the third degree over every little thing. And what ever you do, never and I do mean NEVER, compare what they do or say to Mom or you will lose them forever. In fact, if you can find it within yourself, make an effort to compare them favorably with Mom sometimes. (One of them helps out with out being asked, praise her for it and add something along the lines of "You did that as well as your Mom."

Don't ever fight with WW through the girls. When you are with them, just be Dad, even if Mom starts trying to turn them against you, just be Dad and be there for them. They will know the truth.

Now keep in mind that I am NOT the expert in this kind of thing. Our youngest is 21 years old and I talk to him differently than I did when he was 12. It may be that others who have been through this while their kids were younger might have better incite. There are also some others here that have actually training to deal with this kind of thing.

It might also be helpful to seek assistance in your area. Perhaps your pastor can recommend someone or a group that you can get support from.

There are a couple threads right now regarding what and how much to tell the kids. Opinions range from "share all the gory details" to "protect them from the truth as long as you can." I tend to take the middle ground, but you are the one who knows your kids the best and can determine what each of them can handle.

BTW, when you have conversations with them about all of what is going on, don't make it a big deal. You don't have to call a family meeting to discuss Mommy and her problems in order to talk to them about it. The bigger deal you make it, the bigger deal it will be to them.

And always remember that when it comes to kids, more is caught than taught...

Mark

Mark,
That is very helpful. Thank you.
BoB

What else would you say to guide me?
Thanks.