My wife and I are both 28 years old. We have been together for 7 years, 3 married.

Recently my wife began seeing a guy outside of work that she has worked with for the past 5 years.

She has been very open with me about their relationship, and she has told me that she has kissed him quite a few times but she has not had sex with him.

This all started about a month and a half ago. She has since started staying with her sister, she has also admited to me that she has stayed the night with him a few times, but once again she says they did not have sex with eachother.

I am lost right now for a solution, I still love her very much and I still want to be with her. I feel like my world has been turned completely upside down.

We are still talking quite a bit on the phone, and once and a while she will stop by to see me and our dog. But she gets mad at me when I start asking her why she is doing what she is doing.

She stopped wearing her wedding ring about a week and a half ago, and that really hurt.

She says that she sometimes feels like she misses me, but she has feelings for this other guy that she can't get rid of, and she dosen't know if she wants to get rid of them.

She says that at times she has thought about stopping things with him and coming back to me, but she is scared. She is afraid that she will come back to me and she will not be able to be happy with me and she does not know if she can ever have the same feelings for me that she had at one time. She thinks maybe this other guy is the person that she is meant to be with because she feels happy when she is around him.

She is like a different person than she has ever been since I have known her. She is moody and gets angry very easily. She says she cares about my feelings and she hates that she is hurting me, but she just does not know how she feels anymore.

I don't know how to get through this. It is getting harder and harder every single day. I feel like I am about to have a mental breakdown. I just love her so much, and I don't know how to prepare myself for a possible life without her.

How could she do this to a person that loves her so much. Why does the fact that we are married seem to mean so much less to her than it does to me. I don't want a divorce, but I am afraid that is what will be coming next.

How could she act like she loved me so much one day, and just get up and decide to walk away from me the next.

How do I get through this? What am I supposed to do? I have had people tell me that I should just tell her to hit the road, and that I don't deserve to be treated this way. I have so much trouble being mean to her though, and I don't want to push her further into this other guys arms.

I am at a loss. Any suggestions would be helpful.

Hi Peimar,
Sorry you had to find your way to these boards, but there is a lot of help here for you.

Your Wayward Wife (WW) is doing this because she is an addict. The affair, and it is an affair whether or not they have had sex, is her drug of choice. Read some of the other stories around here and you will see that you cannot believe anything she is telling you. At best she is manipulating you so she can use you as a safety net if it doesn't work out in her affair.

My advice is to buy three books and read them in this order:
Surviving an Affair (SAA)
Lovebusters (LB)
His Needs Her Needs (HNHN)

Read them, understand them. Call Steve or Jennifer and make an appointment for yourself. Do not show any of this info to your WW until you have a plan in place.

Alternatively, if you do not have children, you could cut your losses now. Do your really want to be married to a person who is that selfish and cruel? Do you want to be married to someone who honors their vows in the way your WW does? If you don't have kids, you may be better off learning this material and applying your new knowledge in future relationships.

Thanks for the advise. You are right, I have at times felt like more of a safety net than anything else. We do not have children and I have considered just ending all of this right now. That has just been such a hard option to think about. I know what she is doing is completely selfish and extremely cruel, but it is so hard for me to try to stop loving her. I am so confused. I will look into the books you suggested. Thanks again.

She's staying the night with him but not having SF. Bull [censored].

Run as fast and far as you can since you have no children. You deserve alot better treatment than this.

You may very possibly be right. I just feel like I have to believe something, and until she confesses otherwise I have to remain somewhat obtimistic. As hard as that is to do at times.

Peimar,
Please keep this in mind: Your memories are of your wife, whatever those qualities were that drew you to her, are not what you are getting from her now. She is now a WW, it is better to think of her as an alien life form that is so exotic that we can barely communicate effectively with it, we humans have no chance to understand it. ACT on your plan, DO NOT REACT to the alien.

You are right. I just keep praying that this alien life form that has taken over my wifes mind and body will leave her and she will once again be the person that I have grown to love so much over the years. It is just so hard for me to give up and walk away. I feel like I have been hit with a ton of bricks and now I am stuck underneath all of them unable to move.

Be sure to expose the affair to family and friends. Let folks know that she is having an adulterous affair. I also doubt that she is spending the night and not being physical. If they work together, you can also expose to the workplace. If he is married, tell his wife.

Also protect your finances.

Exposure is a great tool. However, I will agree with grindfool here and suggest that since you have no kids with her, I would beat feet. As far as no sex... I also agree that this is bull [censored].....do not believe that for a minute. She will lie to you about any and everything.

If you had children, I would recommend exposure and a full Plan A. Since you don't... I would do a fast and furious plan FU and if she doesn't get her head out of her butt right away, proceed right to Plan D.

Do not sleep with her under any circumstances until she has undergone a full battery of STD testing either. No matter what else happen, expose this to the mans wife if he is married...do this immediatey...she has a right to know.

Your wife is making a conscious decision to hurt you. Based on your description of things, she knows full well the damage she is causing, but doesn't really care.

One shot .... or send her bye bye.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this hurt.

MEDC

I agree it is likely best you give it a short shot using MB principles and if that fails you move on

But I also understand very well you are likely not yet there in your thinking.

Keep reading and discuss with us your exposure target list.

Include OM's friends and family as well.

If you can swing it...I'd certainly advise you to call Steve Harley for phone counseling. It is well worth the money.

As Believer said above...protect your finances. You do not want to regret facilitating/financing your own betrayal.

Keep reading. I don't expect you to just decide in one day or one week that it's over. Nobody should. Your young and it won't hurt you any more than it already has to give your marriage a quick effort at reconciliation.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- Affairs are like addictions. She is addicted to OM and he is her primary focus right now. That is why she is lying about having sex with him (which she most assuredly is). You see...she doesn't want anyone to know absolutely the physical adulterous nature of her relationship with him under the mistaken and misguided belief that she can later pawn off the relationship as somehow legitimate because they didn't ever have sex. Waywards always think they can deny the sex because nobody saw it happen.

MDEC is right.

IF OM is married.

Call his wife...immediately.

Mr. Wondering