Thank you for the advice. Rest assured that nothing you have said has gone to waste, and I haven't been stringing anyone long. I've been in a fog for 10 years. It wasn't going to lift overnight. What I have learned here has probably helped save my life and I appreciate every one of you who has shown me caring and support.

I've attempted to PM some of you to let you know what occurred, but that feature has been disabled. I have removed this post to protect my privacy from my WH in the event that he's found this site. I noticed some snooping on my computer over the weekend.

Not that it matters anymore.

Your H's behavior is not that of a man who wants to honor his W or his M. He is deluding himself that he isn't in an EA with his "friend" and the fact that he would choose his friendship with her over your feelings is a symptom of his addiction and disrespect. Also, his behavior with these neighbor women seems to show that he has started to disreqard his boundaries with other women as well. Totally not appropriate. Worse that your kid was there. It's summer. They can play together in the yard.

I see some interesting things going on. If confronting him with the help of your friends makes him angry (typical WS reaction) and pushes him into the OW's arms-then she will have to meet his needs during this crisis. It would be a great time for you to Plan A. She seems like the damsel in distress type. Having him dealing with a family crisis won't make her very appealing, because she will start to LB that he isn't there FOR HER.

What is unforgivable, is that he is choosing another woman to get his emotional needs met. And I'm not buying the "I gotta go the office" for 4 Saturdays in row to get papers. Is he usually that forgetful?

Having another man-a dear friend-come along side him to hold him accountable may be a positive thing. If nothing else, your friends' viewpoint that his behavior is wrong might be a wake up call. Who know? Waywards aren't known to think clearly.

Hang in there-this isn't your fault. The timing isn't your fault. Your M can survive his anger-but not his EA's or his disrespectful behavior.

Imagination,

Sorry for your pain and for your FIL's illness. There is never a good time to confront, yet it must be done.

Let your in-laws know what their son has chosen to do and what you must do. If you can't do it before the party, then after. Let them know you love them but after years of this abuse you are at your wits end.

Let your friends help you put him to the curb but first ask yoursef, are you ready for this emotionally and financially? Have the children been informed?

Make sure your mind and heart are in sync. That your finances are secure and tha that you know that his choice to have these female friends are NOT to be tolerated in your M.

Mine is a KISA so you know where that led. He had an attitude with me constantly yet women would constantly tell me what a nice guy he was. I finally tired of his 2 face attitude and asked him to go live with these women he was helping (he was a gardener by trade at the time). By then he already had OW so it just got progressively worse. He even cleanup OW's yard, garage and fixed her fence for FREE! Hmmm... I was fuming made.

Funny thing about those needy women....they fed his ego but couldn't replace me. See he really depended on me but refused to acknowledge it. I put that in his face, then removed myself as his support source.

He was the 1st to move out, but I cut off his EN for support and soon he wanted to come back. While in plan B, I told him to get his OWs to support him (he had 1 but at the time I didn't assume such.... I told him I didn't know if he had 1 or 20 - LOL!!!

Read my stages of grieving link. It may help you get the strenght you need to accomplish your task.

Btw, if your in-laws don't take your side.....don't worry.... sometimes blood is sooo thick, it doesn't flow right to the brain, thereby hampering logic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Imagination,

Over the last year, you have occasionally dropped by with long posts explaining the same dilemma again and again. The best people we have....Orchid, ML, ark and many others have advised you. You've strung them along and after what seems to be a willingness to follow through with the marriage saving/affair ending strategies they suggest...you promptly disappear and show up with a new twist to the same same same story.

You are a self-professed "wimp" (your description, not mine)....and have ignored the advice of this forum every single time. Just to remind myself of your posts, because I knew I'd written to you before.....I took the time to go back and reread all the threads (not a small effort) that you've posted over the last year....so that I was up to date on your situation. Nothing has changed, except the minutae. You're still married to a serial cheater with SEVERE entitlement issues who manages to gaslight you into believing it's all in your imagination. But let me sum up the details that I've just read along with some of the advice and comments others have made:

*Your husband has horribly weak marital boundaries and doesn't respect you or protect you. He's a womanizer and he rubs your face in it....then beats you down when you complain.

*He's been involved in a 10 year <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> affair which you say is an "emotional affair", and I'll bet the BANK has been physical for YEARS! Wake up! Why haven't you hired a PI or something instead of continuing to let him feed you this cr*p about "friendship"????

*He works with this woman and texts and emails her even when you're on your anniversay trip. She interferes every weekend he chooses his family. He lies about needing stuff at the office on weekends so he can meet with her secretly. You've caught them in compromising situations....disheveled and lying.

*He's had something inapropriate going on with the lady down the street too....and these are only the things you know.

*He's a GASLIGHTER extraordinaire.....who convinces you there's something wrong with YOU...you're crazy, jealous, insecure....and you believe him.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It uses persistent denials of fact which, as they build up over time, make the victim progressively anxious, confused, and unable to trust his or her own memory and perception.

And it's cruel....because it masks your ability to believe the TRUTH....that he and his little "work wife" have been meeting secretly for years.

*In his emails to her....he calls you his S.O. because it's easier to betray that way, but refusing to call you his WIFE.

*You're too scared of losing him to follow through on any of the ultimata you've presented him throughout the years....so he knows there's really NO consequences (so why change?). He scares you into doing nothing....so that you won't do anything.

*Despite the best people here telling you to expose to the OWH, his co-workers, and his parents....you've chickened out. You have become an enormous ENABLER to this affair. Crying, fighting and praying....your strategy....does NOTHING to end affairs.

You say you've had a thousand arguments over this same issue....but still....he lies about his involvement, he flaunts his relationship with her, he shows more care for her feelings than yours, he drags you to company parties where he knows you'll have to face her *retch*...etc etc....ad nauseum. And after a thousand arguments, you're still unwilling to protect yourself when he won't.

*You stopped reading "Not Just Friends" because it upset him????? ARGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*You obviously have some childhood issues that are interfering with your ability to trust or protect yourself, but I haven't seen where you're dealing with that at all....you just keep snooping, keep fighting, keep complaining, and keep caving in.

It's discouraging for us to point these things out, take the time to respond, give you great advice....only to see a repeat performance over and over.


Are you kidding me? It was time for Plan B eight years ago!!! If he wanted HER....he could have done that long ago. He wants BOTH of you....don't you see that? If that's okay with you.....then just agree to an open marriage....otherwise....take the help your friends are offering and grow a spine.

I agree the weekend is not ideal.....but here's what else I know....it's NEVER ideal. MB works.....but not if you don't apply it and not if you find reasons to delay confrontation and exposure again and again.

Get your friends at your back. Oh yeah....you can bet your H will be p*ssed. He'll accuse you of every craziness he can....because it's WORKED for ten years. He'll stomp and gnash his teeth. He'll make threats and level accusations. He'll blame you for any stress his parents incur....totally ignoring that it's the AFFAIR that stressed his parents....not the timing. And he'll be good at it....because that's who he is.


For ONCE in your life chere....stop the insanity and CALL HIS BLUFF and don't cave IN!! LET that unscrupulous woman do the lovebusting instead of you. You think throwing him into her arms is a bad thing....you're wrong....that's the ONLY way he'll ever see through her facade. She isn't his friend. She's never been his friend.





You're not a victim anymore....you're a VOLUNTEER.

great post Star*Fish!!

Hi Star*fish,
I agree with Michele G--Great Post and thank you for taking all the time to look this all up. Hopefully something will change in this relationship.

Imagination,

I couldn't agree with star*fish more. I was you once upon a time. Thank god for people who are willing to tell you how it is instead of how you want to see it. I was married to a man just like yours. I encourage you to look up all the information you can get on sociopaths because, honey, you are married to one. My xH beat me down and twisted my mind till I didn't know if I was coming or going. My best friend tried for years to tell me how bad it was and I always had an excuse as to why it was my fault. Because he told me it was. He put everyone's needs before my own and made me think it was because I was worthless. When I met him I had a backbone like you wouldn't believe. NO ONE pushed me around. Six years later I couldn't go grocery shopping for fear of what he would do. I didn't even recongnise myself. It wasn't until his last affair that I woke up. The OW and I have children 10 months apart and for me that was the final straw. He told me that if I wasn't such a B**ch that he would have never left me and then he wouldn't have been in that position to have an affair. At that point I had enough. When I threw all his stuff out of our house, he broke my nose and I put him in jail for it. That time away from him was exactly what I needed to break the cycle. I have my backbone back now and I have never been better. I thank god everyday for delivering me and my children from that situation. Please, get out while you still can. Don't make anymore excuses. Leaving is the right thing to do. Eventually he will drive you to thinking your only way out is death. I have seen it many times and hate to admit, I thought it a time or two. Right now leaving is the only solution. Sociopaths don't change because they are never in the wrong. There is no cure or medication for them. You are fighting a losing battle. Get out and get out now. Normally, I am all for reconsiliation, but not this time.

Good story. These sociopath, narcisstic, sadistic, game playing idiots understand one thing, a "punch in the face" to let them know you will not be intimidated any longer. They understand this and if you give it to them with enough consistency they will stop messing with you and find someone their crap will work on.