This seems to be the best place that I can find to get honest answers to questions. Here is where I am. My husband and I dated earlier in our lives, broke up and married other people. 15 years later, we found ourselves in miserable marriages and began to see each other again. We moved in together about 6 years ago, and got married 3 years ago. We love each other very much, but we just can't seem to stop making mistakes. I have left him 4 times over the last 6 years, and we are currently separated. My family doesn't like him and they are very open about their opinions. They say that I have to do what is best for me, but they are always fussing at me and encouraging me to stay away. My H and I have been talking for the past several weeks. We really want to work things out, but we both know that we need to make some changes. Right now, he is saying to me, "just relax, have faith". We went to mediation two weeks ago, and we go again on Wednesday. The mediator says that it is evident that we don't want to go through with the D, but that maybe we need to develop a marriage contract. Has anyone heard of this and does it work? I don't know what to do. I honestly love my H, I just want a healthy M.

Did you 2 get together via an Affair?

L.

Am I correct in that you and your current husband started as as an affair while married to other people?

IOWs, you are requesting support for an affair-based marriage?

Jo

No, we were both going through Ds when we got back together.

Sounds like an A. Did you both ever figure out why your former M's were worth divorcing over?

Please read HNHN.

Hard to believe that 2 people would find each other....go through so much, then leave each other sooo many times and NOT have issues to deal with.

Here's another question, what separated you guys now and what separated you guys in the past?

L.

Going thru a Divorce is not being "Divorced".

There are hundreds if not thousands of folks on this site, this board, who are "going thru" a divorce due to infidelity that do NOT want a divorce where their WS (wayward spouse) filed so they can be with their "soul mate".

Again, "going thru" a divorce is not being Divorced.

Jo

Sounds like I need to further clarify. We did not have an A - I was weeks before my D was final (a year and a half after separation) when we started talking. He was about a month away. His W left him for OM and moved out of the state, and my H left me because he "wasn't happy any longer". Later I found out that he was having an EA. Neither of us left our previous Ms, but when it was over, it was over.

Thanks for the explanation.

Ok, can you now address my questions? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks,
L.

We separated in the past because we were young and bull headed (maybe still are a little). It had a lot to do with family issues. We separated this time because of my Hs constantly needing to be in control, arguing over money, and then my realizing that H was not bringing in income. My schedule is much more intense than his and it was not unusual for me to leave for work before him, and return after him. When I realized that he truly wasn't working, I exploded and left.

Thank you for the clarification, YoYo. We can certainly support you here, but you do realize that you're on the "Infidelity" area of these boards, no?

We have another board dubbed "Emotional Needs" that might be a better fit. Additionally, since this area is centric to adultery issues the reading here might not serve to support your marriage issues best.

Jo

Thank you! I just clicked on General Questions...oops!

Hi YoYo,

Welcome to MB, sorry it seems like you are being bounced from one board to another. I see the Divorcing/Divorced board suggested GQII, but the GQII board suggested EN (Emotional Needs). I frequent the EN board, and I promise that we won't send you elsewhere! If what you are wanting is advice on saving this M, and if there are no As, then EN is probably where you want to be.

It doesn't get quite as much traffic as GQII but if there are no As to deal with, EN might be better. Try posting there, and include a link to your other two threads. Also, traffic is a bit slow over weekends, but it will pick up.

I will also cut-and-paste this on your GQII thread.

I will look for you over on EN.

Thanks for responding. Your issues are common to many (unfortunately - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ). Please have both of your read HNHN.

I gotta tell you I was in the same scenario and H's lack of cooperation led him to stupidly believe he qualified for an A. See being a KISA, OWs thought he was great.... I on the other hand knew better and while I was trying to be the supportive W, he made me be his crutch. At the point where he said that as long as I took care of everything he would allow me t/d so forever....I stopped.

In our recovery, doing less on my part meant he had t/d more. He is doing more now. He still has a ways to go but the income part is picking up. Before I carried the medical the major part of the income. I used to make over double his wages, maybe even 4x in some years. YIKES!!! Now I just got laid off from my present job so he will be making lots more than me. Also he is working hard at his new business and bringing fairly good income. This now allows me to find a better job or create a new one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> He realizes how much I did contribute to this family AFTER he had to do it himself.

So I recommend reading His Needs/ Her Needs by Dr Harley. You will learn HOW to communicate with him and he with you.

Btw, he has to get over that 'control' thingy he does. He maybe insecure. Call Steve H @ MB after you read HNHN and take the EN questionnaire located above.

You both need a plan to make your M an R that has both of you looking out for the interest of the other spouse. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Btw, who or what does your H respect? That may be a key as to how to help him.

take care,
L.

Who does he respect....wow, that is a hard question. He respects people who do not lean on others for support. That is one of the big things with my kids. He feels that once they reach 18, then they should be on their own and if they need help, they need a lecture. This is probably true, but he is not their father, so they don't really want to hear it from him. So, for a single person that he respects, I'm not sure. He is working again now. He has his own business, but last year decided that he would change what his business was, well that didn't work. Now, he has changed his business back to the original business. Thanks for your reply. I am going to read HNHN and hope I can get him to read it too.

So he really doesn't have children from his own loins but has children with his family. Ok....still that is NO excuse for him t/b a [censored] nor reneg on his family responsibilities. This board has a few dads who were great stepdads (i.e. AKAJIM). They even gave up their hobbies and put their families first. What did their wives do? To repay him, his W went and had an A with a 17 year old and a few others. Yep they are divorced now but even her 1st H likes Jim (2nd H) and the kids still want him in their family.

So there is NO excuse for your H t/b selfish. My guess is that things have been his way and he is more of a taker than a giver. Harley's have a book called Giver/Taker....go find it and read it with HNHN.

Hope this helps.
L.