Well, first a bit of good news. I successfully made it thru the first visitation weekend with the OC. I don't think I have ever been thru anything so hard. The xOW was pathetic to say the least. She stood outside our house for a half hour holding on to OC and crying hysterically. It was discusting. My xH finally just pulled OC out of her arms and walked in the house. It was infuriating. Despite her horrid behavior, the weekend went well. I even babysat the OC by myself while my xH worked for half the day Saturday. I am very relieved that mile stone is behind us. But of course it couldn't just stay that way. When we went to get her for her Wednesday visit, the xOW's girlfriend (yes I said girlfriend) started screaming obsenities at my xH. I was very proud of him because he remained calm and ignored her. He told the OW to not bring her with her anymore. When we dropped the OC off it was very apparent the OW had gotten the crap beat out of her. She was shaking and crying and when my xH asked for the OC for the night, she replied "No, I need her." So, second bomb would be that now my xH wants to sue for full custody because he is afraid of what will happen to her if she stays with her mother. While I do not feel these feelings are ungrounded on his part, I am not sure of the impact on our healing process. We have been doing so well. The counseling has done wonders. I am afraid her presence with us might upset the delicate foundation we have built. Is that selfish? I am trying to think with a clear head, but my heart is still so bruised. I would appreciate some advice from anyone, especially someone who is raising the OC as one of their family. I am not sure I could ever look at her as one of my own. I don't know how I should be feeling about this. I want to do the right thing, but I want the right thing for MY family. Is it horrible to care so little about a child's safety? I feel awful for it even being a question. Please give me some sane advice.

Lost,

We have OC 6 nights a week and she goes to her "daycare" mom during the day for now. (Or at least that is how I have to look at it.) I went to the hospital the day OC was born. I held her and started to love her immediately the very day she was born. I wish she was mine.

I wish I had good advice for you only to say that OC is here for a divine reason. You have to do what is right in your heart for you, your family, and your marriage. I felt that for my situation, accepting & loving OC was the right choice for my family as a whole. OC is 16 months old now and I know I made the right choice. (OW is an immature "woman" who does not know how to put her children first. She does not know how to be a good mother.) My children are 16 & 15 and they miss her when she is not here. OC is one of us.

Thanks for your reply. Did you ever feel resentment when he paid attention to her over your children? I can't help feeling angry when he plays with her. I just think that is time he is taking away from children who were wanted. I know that this is a new situation for me and that these feelings of anger and selfishness will disappear over time, but to try to get custody now? I am so afraid that it will ruin what we have (because of my anger, not his). I was not there when she was born and refused to let my husband be there for more than an hour after she was born. I am very angry she is even here. I understand his need to get her out of that situation and half of me knows this is the right decision, but the other half says leave her, that it isn't my fault he had a baby with someone so worthless as a mother. The problem is that they are equal halves fighting in me. My head says get her and my heart says that my kids matter more and always will. I sometimes even think that she doesn't deserve the life my children enjoy. I want to stop thinking these horrible thoughts, but I don't know how. Some days I don't mind seeing her and others she makes all the rage come back. I not only want what is best for my family, but I also want what is best for her (in some twisted way) and I don't know if I am it. I am a wonderful mother to my children, but she isn't mine. Please tell me I haven't gone insane. I babysit for a living, for heaven's sake! I have never felt such disconnection from a child before and I am afraid I am not handling it well. I just want to know if these feelings are normal or if I am crazy.

Lost,

I went the other way. We chose NC. I was not in a place 2 years ago to even consider having contact w/OC. I couldn't even be around a coworker's brand new baby until it was 10 months old. It made my guts twist, I became short of breath. for me, there was no physical way for it to be possible.

Some might suggest that if you are going to try to incorporate this child into your life, you need to separate in your mind and heart the child from the OW. The child is not a stepchild. stepchildren exists before your relationship with their father, you know about them, and mentally decide that their father is worth it to you to accept his children as well. There can be lots of problems for these children. Traveling back and forth between homes, different value systems in both homes, holidays split between separate homes, sometimes if one parent moves, these visits require long distance flights for the child alone across the country.
The OC is visual proof to you of your WH betrayal of you and your children. Seeing this proofs brings up the pain and anger from what he has done. Can you visualize this child like a foster child to both of you, no connection to it mother? You will need to work past these negative feelings to be a positive role model for this OC. From reading old post from the oldies that are not on this board any longer. There are some that have made it work with the OW still involved. Some have given up on contact because the chaos from the OW is to great, and the benefit for the OC doesn't exceed the harm to the marriage and the COM.

This is not an easy decision, your feelings are not selfish (the behavior of the the WH and OW were). Your responsibility is to protect yourself, your marriage, and your COM. Unfortunately the OC is the responsibility of the OW, and your WH. Your WH has to decide which can have the best outcome for the most.

There is another website the I think Faithful Follower has a link to. I'll try to find it. There is a letter on there written about not feeling guilty about the choice you make with contact.

FTS

Lost,

The other website is survivingbetrayal.com. Under the forums section is a library section with some letters in support of contact and no contact.
You may find the information helpful to you emotionally.

I saw the other thread you started and if the OC is in danger then you may feel that you don't have a choice. I don't think I could have stood by then without trying to do something for and innocent, if this is the case, understand that as others raising the OC have said, your relationship with OC become the dominant one in her life and changes your perceptions and feelings.
Best Wishes,

FTS

Thank you for the information. I will look at the letters. In a typical situation, I feel that NC would be what is best and my WXH has offered to do it. He is leaving the OC decisions completely in my hands. If I asked him to sign away his rights, he would. But I don't feel that is fair. I am feeling a little better about this decision now. I am hoping it is the right one. My WXH is a good father and I know he would regret NC no matter how OC came to be. He has been so willing to work on things and is doing everything he can to restore my faith in him. I just don't feel that NC is needed. The OC needs at least one good parent. And no child deserves to be in an abusive home, no matter who they are. I am starting to feel like it is my duty to get her out of there, in spite of who she is. After all, she didn't ask to be born. I am still praying alot and my pastor has been a great help. I am very grateful for the advice and support I have found here....Thanks guys!

The OW sounds like she has a pretty unstable lifestyle. Stick to your guns and go for anything you can get. Like Kimmy said... document, document, document!

I have a notebook that I write down EVERYTHING in. I even record every text message they send back and forth. I also request hard copies from the phone company every month. Luckily, her behavior is only helping us out.

I know about the behavior helping thing....but it's still a pain in the boohooba to even have to deal with her.

If you need me, I will check in here often.

- Kimmy

I just got done reading your story from the other website. You really have been thru the ringer. I wish my OW was being as helpful in the self destruction as your was, but she is still doing an okay job. This is also her third daughter from a MM. I guess they just don't get it. It never works why do they keep trying the same things over and over again. Her second daughter is with my WXH's cousin, which makes it even sicker. I am being sneaky and on my own I ordered a home paternity test. I am not so sure that OC isn't my WXH's cousins child. My stupid WXH just agreed in court that she was his instead of getting a test. I could have killed him. So, next time OC is here, I am going to test her myself. I just want to be sure and we have plenty of time to find out before our Sept. 20th court date. It is not a for sure that we will get OC, but we are hoping for at least joint custody. I guess we will see.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

She certainly makes her rounds, huh?

Our OW is an OC, as are all her siblings (from 3 different MM)...

If your WH admitted in court that the baby is his, will it still be legally binding if she turns out to really not belong to him?

The reason I ask is that we DIDN'T want DNA testing of OCDS... By the time we went to court we'd bonded with him... even if he didn't belong to use by DNA, we loved him enough to get him out of there.

I know. Sounds insane. But he really is that special to me/us. So my husband said he would be responsible, and that is that. In our state, that's all it takes.

- Kimmy

No, thank goodness it won't be legally binding. Indiana is a pretty conservative state and it can all be undone. I am very glad that you felt that way about the OCDS, however, you are a much better woman than i am apparently, cause i would only feel relief if the test is negative. My WXH has also expressed that he would be happy if it was negative also. It would not make the A go away, but NC with XOW would certainly help. How much trouble has the OW been for you since you have gotten custody of the kids?

Loads and loads of trouble.

Tho, since she got ANOTHER bf (she is STILL married, BTW), the drama is less.

We are now (as of last night) looking into having charges brought against her for criminal non-support. It's hard to get the DA to prosecute here tho.

Post deleted by PrinceGarland

Thanks for your input, however, I happen to feel that whatever she is going thru is much deserved. Was she overly concerned about my emotional state when she was sleeping with my husband and trying to take him from his family permanently? I think not. If God came down and said murder was okay for 2 hours, she would be my only target. Feel sorry for her? Are you insane? She is the one that got pregnant on purpose, she is the one who has made a career of causing other women pain. I will feel sorry for her when God gets ahold of her soul (maybe I will) and that is about it. We have not seen OC since July 18th except for a half an hour on Wednesday. Do you call that being a good mother. She isn't fit to wipe that baby's feet. She may be OC's biological maternal parent, but she is a far cry from a mother. Hasn't anyone ever told you that it takes more than genetics to be parent?

PG, I just got through reading your other posts. I respectfully request you delete your post and not post on this board any more. You are not in a marriage, relationship or have ever experienced the pain of betrayal of this magnitude. You have NO IDEA how incredibly painful it is for your husband to have a child with another. NO IDEA!!!

If you want to learn more about Dr H's concepts and prepare YOURSELF well for marriage, I recommend you buy his books and read the site concepts.

*Sigh*

Well, I'm sorry that I upset you for what I said, & I understand on what everyone is going through, & what this board is about. It's OK to be angry. Not everyone is perfect, but all I was trying to do is to stay positive about things, & not think negative. I also realize that an OC can also cause harm to marriages, & it's not easy to get over. Perhaps it's because I'm being very nice to everyone, & that I have a good heart. I will learn more about the concepts of marriage & read the site's concepts & buy his books like you told me to. You are right, I have never been in a real relationship before, & if someone were to betray me (like I said earlier), then I would be angry as well.

To LAU, I do understand what you're saying, not everyone are good parents to their children, & if they were to be raised by bad parents, then they should be removed immediately from them & to be put in homes where a child should really be treated well. Your husband is a real good parent, by the way. That is why he should try to get custody of her, whatever is necessary. Children are God's creatures, & should be treated well.

Faithful - Thanks

Well, its been an interesting weekend. She denied us our visitation again, but this time we got to go make a police report about it...fun fun. The down side being that I have this paternity test here waiting and no baby to use it on. Frustrating. I was hoping to use it before our court date, but I doubt that is going to happen. Oh well. The 29th is OC's first bday and the 31st is my DD's bday, so we are planning a big double party for them on the 1st. I doubt she will even let her come to that even though it has been planned for months and she knows about it. Went to WH's sisters last night for dinner and his mother asked how everything was going and his dad starts on a tyrade about how I should be ashamed of myself in trying to take another persons family away...all i could do was look at him in a silent rage. It took all I had to keep my mouth shut. Thru the entire A, I got treated like the OW walking in on their happy marriage. I am still getting treated like the OW instead of the wife. It was a very public A. He even took her to his uncles funeral and told me not to show up. Anyway, we have court on tuesday to see if she cried enough to get a court appointed attorney. Our attorney doesn't think so. I am just getting tired of all this. I know that this is a long and drawn out proccess, but it wears on your soul. On a brighter note, my WXH and I got remarried on the 16th. A big step I would say. My kids are thrilled. So, now I guess he is my WH....he is moving up in the world. Just felt so wrong all of a sudden to not be married. I mean we were living together anyway and that wasn't exactly the example I want to set for my daughters. I only divorced him out of anger in the first place not because I didn't love him. If I had found this website earlier, I wouldn't have divorced him at all. So, now we have rectified another mistake we made. I am happy about it. He has been doing so well. I am so proud of the changes he has made. I just hope the judge is as proud and gives us the OC. I know, what is meant to happen will happen, but it is still nerve racking.

Lost, congrats on the remarriage!. Don't listen to your FIL. I have basically cut my MIL out of my life due to her befriending the OW and demanding my H D me.

Thank you.....My IL's haven't been a part of mine or my children's lives pretty much ever. They never liked me and in fact the whole 6 years we were married they did everything they could to cause problems between us....and it worked. The difference is that this time he is standing up for me and not having much to do with them. My children barely know them and that is just fine with me. I find it so hard to believe that a family could be like that....mine is so supportive but would never have accepted an A. His older sister paid for our divorce and said she would be happy to do anything to get me out of the family. I have given up trying to understand them and I am happy that he now sees all the trouble they caused and are still causing. I was very proud of him for standing up to his dad about what he said. It was okay for her to take my family away, but not okay for me to get his grandaughter out of an abusive situation.....they all need therapy.

Well we have court this morning about OW getting a lawyer or not. Our attorney is going to ask for a temporary visitation order till our court date in September. Hopefully we will at least get her for her birthday next week.