Good for you! The hardest thing about all of this is that I realized that I had alot of pride swallowing to do. Like you, I was not very complimentary to my WH. He also felt worthless and that whatever he did wasn't good enough. I was also surprised to find out how he felt. I am now very good at complimenting him and it is amazing how much more he does for me now (without being nagged about it first). I was so angy after my DD (a year ago now) that all I had was righteous indignation. I was so angry that I pushed all of his appologies and attempts at reconciliation away. Instead of listening, I divorced him and did everything I could to hurt him as much as he hurt me. Everything was his fault because he had made the biggest mistake, but now I see how I contributed to it. Now I am on the way to the marriage I had always wanted. It isn't too late for you and your WH. It took me along time to realize what I was doing by taking my anger out on him. He wasn't living with the OW at first, but our constant fighting pushed him there. On top of that, when we finally did start communicating again, the OW "accidentaly" got pregnant. So , on top of the A, I now have a OC to deal with. We decided to give it another chance about a month ago. I am so glad you found this site at this point in your process, if I had then I doubt he would have moved in with her and the problem of OC would have been avoided. Keeping your anger in check toward the person who has hurt you most is a very illogical thing to do, but if you don't you will be playing right into OW's hands just like I did. My prayers are with you.

If ever there was a promotion for going to plan B (assuming that you were a "good" spouse, not perfect, to your WS, this is it. I wished I would have gone directly to plan B within a matter of weeks of finding out. It would have kept me from LB'ing all over the place and showed maturity in the face of disaster.

Ok. So I have another worry (go figure <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />). From what I've read on this site, it seems that my WH is in the throws of an Romantic A. and unfortunately, those seem to be the worst type for men to get over.

My WH keeps his distance from me now, both emotionally and physically because of his feelings for the OW. There has been no sign that they will ever be separated at work so he spends 8 hours a day with her and only a few hours with me in the evening.

My WH insists that the A. has not become a full blown PA because he says he's "still married". He has decided to spend less time around her now because his counselor advised him not to do anything "stupid" (i.e. sex), until after the D. Apparently he agreed (though he seems to be in agony over it). That's why he's trying to speed up the process of our D. I don't think my WH would have any reason to lie to me since he knows that if the EA became a PA, this would probably have induced me to file for the D in the beginning.

I'm trying not to get discouraged over all this, but if the general consensus is that I will have to wait for the Romantic A. to "burn out", and it hasn't even really started yet, I'm scared that nothing I do at this point will result in his returning.

I keep praying for God to change his heart and his feelings by allowing my WH to see the truth of the situation. I know that only God knows the heart of man and with Him all things are possible.

I just get scared that after all this effort to restore the M. and anguish that naturally comes from remaining hopeful, that the result will be the same.

This is a hard place to be in. Especially since I have no job and will not be able to return to college for another 5 months since my daughter will be too young for me to go any time before that. So the days seem to be so long and full of emotional turmoil. I'm also sad about the fact that my WH will not be around as much for this child as he was for our son. I'm afraid he won't bond with her.

I know that no one on here can help allay my fears and that I must rely on God, but it is sometimes helpful just to voice them anyway.

Thanks again for all the encouragement. I really appreciate the advice from you all. It helps to know that you care.

Sorry, Sara, I wouldn't bet on it. He tells you this in order to keep leverage in the event of court (custody, finances, alimony, etc), imo. I don't think a man is ready to give up everything for a work fling that hasn't already become physical and induced those cetain "fulfilling" hormones, chemicals, et with each encounter.

I really don't think that he hasn't been completely chaste with her, but it doesn't seem to have gone into a full blown PA. The reason I think that is that there is no fault divorce where I live. So having a PA doesn't affect anything in a divorce proceeding. My WH knows this as well as I do and has repeatedly told me so.

I don't see why he would keep it from me especially since he has no other reason to lie about it. But that is just my feeling on it, I could be completely wrong.

Sara,

Don't assume you both mean the same thing. One constant thing in the fog is the meaning of words get distorted. They use a totally different dictionary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So when you can, ask him what does he mean by 'full blown PA'?

In fact, don't assume a lot of his words mean the same....like ILY...hm.... no WS loves their family. Stupid WS'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

L.

I have asked him repeatedly if they "had sex", he says no. So I'm sure something has happened, just not full on sex because I don't think he has a reason to lie to me anymore. But like I said, I could be completely wrong and the truth may come out later.

My main concern though is how to deal with the seemingly endless time frame of the Romantic A. The two year average seems like an eternity at this point.

We already knew all of the above and have been advising you accordingly. We just assumed it was a romantic affair, 99.999999999% of the affairs we see here ARE. You never told us anything that led us to believe otherwise.

He lied about the physical aspect of the affair, though. I am sorry to tell you this, but that is a lie. It is physical.

Sara, there is nothing here that makes me lose hope. In fact, if you can control your emotions you have a much greater chance here than does the OW. You have an ADVANTAGE over the OW, ie: history, his children, etc.

We just need for you to focus on doing the best Plan A you can. EXPOSE the affair, be non-cooperative in any legal actions, protect yourself legally, STOP LOVEBUSTING, AND BECOME A PRO AT MEETING HIS NEEDS AND ATTRACTING HIM BACK.

Have you exposed the affair at work as we advised? Have you exposed the affair to the OW's parents?

He is lying. That is what cheaters do, they lie. He has EVERY REASON to lie.

WS' lie to the BS like it is a sport or something. There is no logic or reason. So expect him to lie.

Later he may say he lied so as NOT to hurt you. Can you believe it? NO..... so don't.

L.

I agree with the above whole heartedly. A man doesn't prepare to leave his family for a woman he hasn't "tried out yet". Sexual fullfillment being one of man's most important EN's, I don't see him leaving you to take on a relationship that isn't more certain. He's had sex with her, I guarentee it. My WXH told me they weren't having sex near the end of it all. He was just there for the pregnancy. Ummmm....right. He later admitted to me that if he had told me (like I didn't know anyway) that I would have been hurt more. WS's don't think straight. His only goal right now is to get rid of you as neatly as possible to avoid causing HER pain. So, like I said before. Make him the irrational one. If you are calm and rational, it will make his behavior and all later behavior look completely unreasonable. But just be forwarned, if you start plan Aing him, he will get more irrational and even more angry. He is relying on your outbursts and lovebusters to rationalize his behavior and it will anger him if you no longer give him an excuse to continue the A. Your angry behavior is only justifying what he is doing. But it will work. The hardest thing about plan A is to shut off the repeat button that is stuck in the on position in your mind. I still have trouble with replaying all the hurtful words he said and the images i have of them together. But for you to succeed, you have to stop replaying everything in your mind. Honestly, it doesn't matter if he is having sex with her or not. The fact is that an A is an A, emotional or otherwise. Adultery isn't only a physical act, it is a mental one as well. You have to imagine having sex with someone before the act itself. No matter what, he HAS had sex with her. What you need to do is clear your mind and start thinking strategy not angry.

Have you read Surviving An Affair and His Needs, Her Needs? If not, go get them today!

Ok, I will just stop assuming that he's not had sex. It's true that it doesn't really matter if he has or hasn't, he's still trying to dump me for the OW.

Also, I have not had any success getting into contact with his boss nor have I discovered the names of the OW parents. I will try again on Monday to contact the boss, they are in the process of moving offices so she has not been available for the last 3 days.

My WH is in the hospital at the moment with either e. coli or some other malady. He called me at 3 a.m. and then again at 5 a.m. to let me know what was happening and has called me off an on today. I told him that I loved him and was sorry about what he was going through his. I also asked if I could come and visit him, but he refused. The OW works near the hospital and I'm sure she's been there throughout the day. I am VERY frustrated over that. It is so hard to keep showing that I care, when I get nothing but rejection in return.

Anyway, I have recently finished reading His Needs/Her Needs, I am working on getting a copy of Surviving an Affair. HNHN was very informative and insightful and I'm very much looking forward to reading the second book as I'm sure it will help.

Thanks again for the input. It's been a great help.

You are HIS WIFE, you should go there and take care of your husband. Bring him some magazines, etc. The OW should not show her face in public and will need to leave. You have a RIGHT to be there, she does not. If she won't leave, inform the nurses that this is his MISTRESS and you are his WIFE and make sure OW knows you have informed the hospital staff. See how nice they treat her after they find out she is a cheatin ho. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LOL. Thank you so much for the excellent advice! I decided yesterday (and today) to simply show up for a visit. I brought him some magazines and sat with him for two hours both days. We didn't talk about anything heavy and I felt that I was able to help him out a great deal. Though he was still reserved and kept his guard up, he did joke with me about his experience there. So overall I think the visits were a VERY good idea. There is no sense in allowing the OW to dominate the situation!!! I don't know what I was thinking <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

He seems to be improving and they will most likely discharge him tomorrow.

I just have one question. Is it possible to make deposits in your WS's love bank when they are in the foggy state?

Good girl!! It is very hard to make deposits when they are fogged out. However, as the affair starts to crumble, and it will, they will start to remember your Plan A and the fact that you are WILLING to meet his needs. Because of that, he will know this door is OPEN.

Can you go to his house tomorrow and take care of him?

This is the ADVANTAGE that you have over the OW. You are his WIFE and are still the one he calls when he gets SICK. This is a VERY GOOD SIGN. So keep playing on this and use this as an opportunity to SHOW HOW MUCH YOU CARE!!

I don't think he would let me come over to his sister's to take care of him, but I will offer to let him come home to recuperate. He complained a few times that there is never any food there and his sister and her boyfriend eat whatever he buys <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

Since there is plenty to eat here, I will suggest that he come home for a few days to rest and get nourished.

Thank you again for the great advice. It has been extremely helpful!

Good idea! Does his sister know about the affair? Have you checked www.peoplefinder.com to look for OW's parents? Where have you looked so far?

Yes, his sister does know. She said my WH was an "idiot" for doing this. Also, she's either seen the OW in person or in pictures and commented that she looks just like me. I found that to be a little weird. My WH had to show me a picture of her to see if I thought that was accurate. While there was some resemblance, I didn't think it was an uncanny one.

Anyway, I did look on a lot of the search engines for the OW's parents, but not much was found. A lot of people share her last name, but I don't know if any are related. I think she is closest to her sister, but there is no one with that last name in Vancouver. So I'm at a stand still there. From what my WH says, her father was very abusive and I don't know if her mother is still with him. So even if I find them, I don't think she'll be influenced by their advise. The sister is the best bet, but again, I don't know if she's married and has a different last name or the same one.

I did suggest to my WH, though, that he come home to recover and he seemed to agree. So I will check with him again today and see where that stands.

Thanks for all the support. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />