huh? How do you explain such cruelty? I am starting to wonder if your C was right about him being a narcissist. What do your parents think about him?


Probably NO ONE can influence her, however, exposing her causes conflict in the affair. Its no fun smoking crack when everyone is looking on in horror. Contacting her parents, if you can, will make it much harder for her to ever bring your H around and introduce him. He will be persona non grata in many circles.

Yeah, he's been pretty awful on more than a few occasions during this whole thing. I am completely shocked at some of the things he's done and said about the OW. But he's so obsessed with her, that he can't really see (or refuses to see) how inappropriate his behavior is. He certainly does have narcissistic tendencies, though.

My parents have always thought he made bad decisions in several areas. (This of course, being the epitome). He stopped coming around my family for the last few years and almost never had anything to do with his own since we've been married. But everyone so far is completely shocked that he would do this.

I was told that the OW's parents live "far away" and her sister lives about 300 miles away from here. My WH said he felt sorry for her because she had no family around. So she is pretty isolated since her boyfriend moved away (which is probably another reason she sunk her hooks into my WH). As far as I know, she doesn't even have any friends near here. So I don't think she has to worry about looking bad in front of anyone except for their coworkers.

My WH did tell me, however, that work now "sucks" since all this came out. I couldn't be happier about that. So I just really need to connect with his Boss so I can explain my need for an ally in the office to help encourage reconciliation.

Finally, I asked him if he still wanted to come home to recover and he now says he doesn't know. He's probably been talking to the OW and I assume that he would feel guilty for staying with me. Anyway, I will keep you updated on any developments. I guess I will just go for another visit today since that's about all I can do.

SAra, how do you know that her boyfriend moved away? Have you verified this INDEPEDENTLY?

Well, I guess I could call the OW's house on Monday to see if anyone answers (her Boyfriend didn't have a job for the entire 6 years he lived with her.) However, my WH spent several evenings at her home during the last month so it seems that she is alone now.

Like I said, the OW was in complete angst over whether or not to move across the country with him and waited until he had already moved before breaking up with him. It was at that time that she and my WH began to really "like" each other. Go figure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So, my WH stayed over last night. He initially stated that he was not going to stay (after having a phone conversation with the OW), but accidentally fell asleep on the couch. He said it was the best sleep he's had in a long time.

Unfortunately, I called his boss while he was sleeping this morning to explain the situation. She seemed very cold and unsympathetic and basically told me that she has no control over her employee's "personal lives". I thanked her for her time and asked her not to mention our conversation to my WH since he was so angry about the last time I tried to contact one of his coworkers. Who knows if she will do so.

I was so upset over her uncaring attitude, that I began crying after we hung up. My WH woke up and saw me and asked what was wrong. I of course stated that the whole situation was very hard and that was part of the reason I was so upset. I'm sure this was probably not the best thing to do in the Plan A stage, but I'm pretty emotional over this on top of being pregnant. I didn't make any judgmental statements or have any angry outbursts. I just told him how hurt I was over the whole thing. I then decided to leave him home alone for a while to recover my wits.

I did find his cell phone and found numerous messages from the OW saying how much she "loved" him. I thought that was rather disgusting given the fact that my WH told me just last night that he doesn't think of her as a "girlfriend", but a potential one. Seriously. When do the lies ever stop?

I had one question though. Are you supposed to point out possible motives that the OW may have in pursuing the relationship with the WS or is that wrong? I've done so in the past and my WH has not defended her, but I wonder if it causes more harm than good?

Do they work together? If not you will not get much empathy but it still puts pressure on the affair when people know what's going on. If she works with him then that is another story all together and his bosses response is short sighted at the trouble the business could get into.

Yes, they work together in a small office with about 12 people. His boss has already had meetings on rumors floating around and included HR. I just wanted to clarify what the situation was exactly from my perspective. I explained that the OW was in active pursuit of my WH and had initiated the first kiss. I also stated that while I understand that it takes two people to engage in this sort of thing, I was hoping that she could limit their contact. She didn't agree to anything and stated that I should utilized the free counseling service through the company. She said she understood my desire to save my marriage, but couldn't do anything on her end. It was a very disappointing conversation.

It hurts to see how calloused people are toward this sort of thing. Especially such an influential person who could have some effect and yet still chooses to stay out of it because it's considered "personal".

I think I really messed up though by blubbering in front of my WH. He sarcastically said "thanks for making [our home] a relaxing environment" for him to recover in. True to the WS's faulty logic, he blamed me for making the house uncomfortable for him to be in because I was crying about the situation. And I probably did. This plan A stuff is REALLY difficult.

Argh... your situation brings back the memories of mine in living color. My FWH also "recuperated" at home for a time and I DID blow it big time by using that time to try and make him feel guilty as heck, LBing, you name it. However, I didn't know about MB or its principles. Where I blew it, you have a GREAT opportunity to deposit into his love bank while he's there.

Sara, I would send a letter to the head of company just giving THE FACTS. You don't want to give your "perspective," just give THE TRUTH. Apparently, they were concerned enough to hold a meeting about it, so it sounds like they might be concerned. And you SHOULD NOT EVER ask an exposure target to not tell your WS! That defeats the entire purpose!! Exposure is not supposed to be kept a secret, that is an OXYMORON!

They might not agree to do anything, but just the fact they know the truth is enough to make the affairees uncomfortable. So please write a letter to the owner and CC your H's boss. That way she won't be able to ignore you. AND MAKE SURE YOUR H KNOWS YOU HAVE DONE THIS!!

Do what Mel suggests....no more phone calls but a letter stating the truth about the situation.

I for one would copy my attorney (and if I didn't have one would simply type CC: Attorney at the bottom.

Businesses don't like for the boat to be rocked.

Well, I have a brilliant new development!!!

I was attempting to look at my cell phone data on line and inadvertently gained access to my WH call log. I also found a brand new number and surmised that my WH actually added the OW to our cell phone plan! Can you believe it?!

I found the phone number of her boyfriend and called him right away. I laid out all the details of their "relationship" and he was totally in the dark about the whole thing. He was totally enraged and got off the phone with me to call the OW. I am completely thrilled!!!

I expect, though, to get served my divorce papers relatively soon after my WH learns of this fiasco. He won't be happy that I've been in contact with the OW's BF. But I'm not concerned. He deserved to know the truth.

I will consider writing to the Head of HR and see what comes of that. I'm worried though that if my WH gets fired, we won't have enough funds to pay the bills. Since I can't get a job (being 7 months pregnant), that may cause some serious problems. I really don't want to lose my house because of my WH stupid behavior.

Sara, I don't understand. Then why did you call his boss????? It won't matter if he has a job, if you lose your marriage. He can replace the job, he can't replace the marriage! i am very confused, Sara!

p.s. Sara, if he gets fired, it will because of his AFFAIR and only his affair. His company has a RIGHT to fire him if they choose. If he does get fired, he will have to find another job. But the WORST thing you can do is PROTECT HIM FROM THE CONSEQUENCES of his behavior. Affairs THRIVE on secrecy, and by protecting the affair this way you only increase the risk of DIVORCE. Aren't you MORE afraid of divorce?

I didn't expect him to get fired when I called the boss. I know his boss likes him too much. I was just hoping she would encourage him to reconcile or transfer one of them. If I involve HR this may result in termination. I don't know if my husband will even attempt to gain reemployment and we may lose everything. I also think he will completely resent me forever if I get him fired. So I don't know what to do.

So your goal was NOT to expose at work?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Sara, you have a greater risk of losing your house from DIVORCE if you continue to protect his affair. Of COURSE he will resent you interfering in his affair! That is an expectation. But this won't be an issue, if you are DIVORCED. You don't seem to understand tht the greatest threat to your marriaqe is the AFFAIR, not his temporary anger at your interference in his affair.

Sara,

Tell OW's BF to now give up where the information is coming from. Don't let OW, or WH know that you can access his cell phone log or whatever. Keep this for you and BF and don't let them know, just that you do know.

Apparently the BF is pretty unstable. He already told the OW everything and my WH found out. The BF has threatened both the OW and himself saying he wishes they were both "dead". My WH called to let me know what kind of trouble I caused by exposing the truth to the BF. I replied that it was not my actions that caused the BF to feel that way, it was their relationship. If they had not engaged in an A., the BF would not be feeling suicidal.

My WH was very angry that I would not accept responsibility for this and threatened that we would need to work out "visitation" for our DS. I said that was fine and I was tired of being lied to anyway.

He's done nothing but lie about his relationship with the OW from the start. He told me that he thought of her as no more a "potential" girlfriend, but I found Text Messages from the OW saying she loved him. The OW also told her BF she thought my WH was "the one" and that she wanted to marry him. I'm sick of being jerked around and think it's time to go to plan B.

I do not expect my WH to ever return home as he does not have a very forgiving nature. This whole situation has put me in such a negative light in his eyes that I don't think he will ever come back. I think it's time to cut ties and break contact.

"He says that he was never a Christian and doesn't want anything to do with God at this point. These differences didn't seem to bother him very much over the past few years, but since he met the OW, they he now considers them major issues."

Then that makes his claim that he was only talking to her as a concerned Christian, and her defense that's all it was too, sound pretty foolish now doesn't it?

"Most of the marital problem revelations came after he told me of his feelings for the OW. I had about 3 days to "work" on the relationship before she kissed him and he was off and running."

Of course - this is very typical. You'll hear a lot at this site about the failure to meet emotional needs being soemthing that puts your marriage at risk for adultery. But in many cases the betrayed spouse was never informed there even was a problem.

Adulterers need to come up with some excuse for what they're doing so they blame the innocent spouse.

Even if there were unmet emotional needs and/or some serious problems in the marriage that is NEVER a valid excuse for such a betrayal! If there's an unmet need or a problem you have the right AND responsibility to talk about it and together try to fix it!

I guess the nanosecond before he kissed the OW his suddenly realized he had some unmet needs and your marriage had some problems, and then OOOPS! too late she aleady kissed him - no time to work on the marriage first!

If you haven't done so already expose his adultery to your pastor and others at church.

My WH hadn't attended Church with me once over the last four years. Though I've already sought spiritual counseling from my pastor, there is no reasoning with my WH since he wasn't involved there anyway.

My WH's biggest excuse for this whole thing is that we are just "too different" and the OW is his "soul mate". I find the whole thing completely ridiculous, but I guess they will have to discover the truth for themselves.

He's rewriting history - sure sign he's deeply addicted and entrenched in adultery.

Morals and beliefs normally help people choose moral behavior. But it also works the othe way (consistency principle) once somebody commits an action they sometimes change their morals and beliefs to match.

That's one reason it's foolish for peopel to feel assured THEY would never commit adultery, therefore it's OK for THEM to do risky things like private conversations, go out to lunch, flirt, etc. with the opposite sex... They feel it's safe to kepe sliding down that slope until 'one thing leads to another' and then they pretend that the thing they have done was never against their beliefs after all! (Very convenient - and very childish)

CONTINUE to expose ESPECIALLY to people who KNOW this is not the real him talking and to people who don't buy into the situational 'ethics' baloney! People who will challenge his attempts to rewrite history can be helpful. People he hasn't known for very long or very well will be more prone to believe and sympathize with him. Were you and your husband involved in any prayer chains or bible study groups? If so enlist their prayer support!

In addition to all the sound info this site offers get a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - try the library.

You might also suggest that his company offer a workshop about the dangers of office adultery - the risky behaviors to avoid, the warning signs, the consequences. Any info that can get through to him from other sources that might pierce the fog might help. They will pretend to themselves and others that what they have going on is 'special'. One reason adulterers fear exposure is because then they will have to face some embarrassing disapproval from folks who don't 'understand' their 'special friendship'.

Study and apply the "carrot and stick" of Plan A.
If you have to read it over and over all day, sort of hypnotize yourself into applying it, do it!

You will feel like saying and doing some things that are counter-productive; normal and justifiable yes - but not going to help you in your fight to save your marriage. So you are going to have to learn to apply some principles and behaviors that may seem unnatural to you. It's not game-playing, just sound tactics against the evil of adultery.