My WH told our former pastor what he was doing and has even told a few of our Christian friends. No one so far has been able to reason with him. Our former pastor simply said he was speechless over my WH's shamelessness over the whole thing. No help has been forthcoming from anyone else.

My WH was not involved in anything over the past four years. I have us on a prayer chain now and have asked all our friends to pray for us as well. My WH admits to feeling "guilty", but not enough to stop the A.

I've already been implementing the plan A stuff. But with the recent exposure of the A. to the OW's former BF, my WH is very angry with me. I feel like I keep getting set backs every other day and I think it might be time for plan B.

Have you done a great Plan A? That comes before Plan B. Give exposure some time to work. All the WS's are angry at being exposed, but it is the quickest way to end an affair.

No. I've probably done the lamest plan A. The problem is that I'm so emotional over the whole thing that I mess up all the time by crying over it in front of my WH. During one visit I'm fine and I am being happy and doing a great job, the next visit I'm weeping uncontrollably. My WH thinks I'm crazy. That's probably why he lies to me about his intentions with the OW because he thinks I can't handle it.

And he's right. I can't handle it. I hate being lied to repeatedly and finding out about it and I hate being blamed for every little thing that makes the A. unpleasant for my WH and the OW.

It seems like the exposure has been so drawn out over the last month and a half that any plan A victories are immediately forgotten. Especially since this last episode where the OW's BF is basically threatening suicide and murder against the OW. It seems very unlikely that WH will forgive me for what he perceives as "causing" this situation. After all, his new love and soul mate is being threatened and his wicked wife is the cause.

It's all very discouraging.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Okay Sara, enough already! You did not cause anything and can't prevent what may happen between BF and OW. You DID do what was the best and right thing for your marriage and the OW's betrayed BF. Whatever happens now is on the backs of two lieing, cheating, selfish, self absorbed, deluded, delusional, immoral, foolish and down right sorry WH and OW. It's their cross to carry, not yours.

Let them have it!

Why would you do that, Sara??? He is supposed to be angry when you interfere in his affair. THIS IS GOOD! The madder he is the more effective you were at interfering in his affair. Remember, your goal is TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE, not to avoid making him mad at all costs. You save your marriage by EXPOSING the affair, because affairs thrive on secrecy.

So, knock off all the worrying, his anger is expected and GOOD. It only means you have inflicted a huge blow to the affair.

But you can't let up now while you have the affair on the ropes. You MUST finish your exposure by exposing him at WORK, Sara! It is important to do this NOW so the affairees will feel the maximum effect.

[quoteIt seems like the exposure has been so drawn out over the last month and a half that any plan A victories are immediately forgotten. [/quote]

STOP drawing it out and get it done, Sara! This exposure to the BF is not enough to do the trick and you still have not exposed to HUMAN RESOURCES. You have allowed him to LIE to his employers about the affair, which only ENABLES his affair.

He is mad now, you might as well get your moneys worth so you can get exposure behind you and get to work on attracting him back!

Ok ok. I know, I just get in a funk over the whole thing and it seems hopeless. I am working on the letter to HR today. I think that after this, there won't be anyone left to expose the A. to.

I recently spoke with the BF again today (I think we are going to be very good phone friends for a long time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ). He didn't seem homicidal or suicidal in the least. In fact he said that he knows he is a better person than both the OW and my WH and I agreed with him. He also stated that finally knowing the truth has given him the kick that he needed to get his life together and make decisions that are good for him. He also said he knows that his daughter needs him and he wants to be involved in her life. I think the OW is blowing more smoke and trying to get my WH angry at me for exposing the A. to the BF.

I also learned that this is the second marriage that has been broken up by the OW. So apparently she knows what she's doing. I'm so happy that I finally got into contact with the BF, it really helps to have such a good insight into the mind of the enemy.

Saralynn

DO NOT underestimate the value of keeping in the loop with BF. OW's H and I have shared valuable pieces of information with each other on WH's and OW's affair activities since it was discovered and it has been KEY in keeping the pressure up on their A. Talking to OW's H was an immense help to me b/c I was finally hearing TRUTH about what OW and WH were up to, not the lies I was getting from WH to keep me in the dark and under control.

Because we strategize with each other on important points regarding out wayward spouses, we don't do things to undermine each other's progress/goals. We watch each others backs in this mess.

Sara, do you see now how your H is lying to you to keep you away from the OW BF? What is the status there? Are they still together? Can you get the OW's parents info and expose to them?

And please don't "work on" that letter to HR. Just write the damn thing and go down to the post office and send it off REGISTERED to the director of HR. Send a CC to your h's boss so everyone knows that the word is out and this can't be deep sixed.

Here is a good letter written by my pal, Brits Brat. Just be sure and add that you are pregnant and that this affair has led to your seperation. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0&fpart=2

The OW broke up with the BF the day after she kissed my WH (6/30). He was already living in N. Carolina by then and had been there since 5/16 waiting for the OW to join him. He had no clue as to why she broke up with him until I told him about the A. He was actually relieved to know the truth and stated that everything "made sense now".

He is pretty angry as well and said that the OW has made up her mind to get my WH so I should just "kiss my marriage goodbye". He feels there is no hope because she is determined to have her way. So he said "F*** them both" and that he "doesn't want her" anymore. He may change his mind later, though. I will see if he knows numbers or has exposed the A. to the OW's family.

I think my WH is swallowing everything the OW tells him and that's why he's angry at me. She said that her BF threatened her and himself over the A. My WH wants to protect her. But like I said, I don't get that impression at all and think it's more likely that the OW doesn't want me to know anything about her prior conduct.

Also, I will finish the letter to HR today and hand deliver it tomorrow. We'll see if that gets more results than my conversation with my WH's boss.

Sara, the next time you speak to your H, tell him what you have learned from the BF. Tell him that the OW led him to believe she was coming out there, the BF never "threatened" her, and that this is not the first time she has got it on with a married man. Just tell him this because he "should know that she is deceiving him about many things."

In the meantime, see if you can get the OW's parents # from the BF and call them. Tell them their daughter is carrying on an affair with your H, that you are pregnant with a little one at home and ASK FOR THEIR HELP. Ask them to try and persuade their daughter to leave your H alone because you and your kids desperately need him now. <---say it like that, Sara.

I will. He needs to know what a liar she is. I only hope he can come out of his fog long enough to believe what I tell him.

I will also check about the OW parents. The BF stated that one of her own sisters and her sister's husband both described the OW as a real "B****". That was pretty shocking in itself.

Just be real cool about this, Sara, because you don't want him to get defensive. Just tell him something like this:

Sara: I am very worried about you and there are a few things I have learned from OW's BF and family that I think you need to know.

WS: her BF is nothing but a big liar!

Sara: ok, I will just keep this to myself then, I was worried about you but I don't want to upset you

WS: thinking.........

WS: ok, what did he say

Sara: thats ok, it is probably nothing

WS: what did he say?

Sara: well, he said you are not the first married man she has been involved with, this seems to be a pattern. She also led him to believe she was moving to XYZ and asked him to wait for her. They were still in regular contact

He is not suicidal or homicidal either, he was very calm..

WS: he is just a stupid jerk who lies all the time!

Sara: probably so. But I was concerned about you and thought you should know she possibly wasnt being honest with you. No big deal.

Just remember to leave your feelings out of it. Make it fact only or he will see it as a personal attack on her. Well, he will anyway, but you want to be the one he remembers as being honest and not playing games. Do what you have to do to make him accountable for his actions, but do it in a nonpersonal way. I know its hard, but in the long run it will make all the difference. And if you do get ahold of her parents, be careful not to be derogitory toward her or they will go on the defensive and you will lose their help. FACTS ONLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I think my WH is swallowing everything the OW tells him and that's why he's angry at me. She said that her BF threatened her and himself over the A. My WH wants to protect her. But like I said, I don't get that impression at all and think it's more likely that the OW doesn't want me to know anything about her prior conduct."

He's not swallowing anything - but he sure is hoping you will.

He's angry at you, and HE is lying to you about how much trouble the exposure is causing, because: the exposure is ruining their fun.

The adulterers usually go ballistic when they're exposed. They will make up all kinds of lies and threats to try to stop you from exposing more. There's no logical reason to believe what they claim. Keep exposing, just rip that band-aid off baby! The quicker it's all over with the better.

This is what I told my WXH when he tried to tell me I couldn't talk to the OW's family and friends and their coworkers about the adultery: If you can say/do whatever you want with OW and claim it's none of my business even though I'm still your wife, then I can talk to whomever I want to too! I would only stop contact with the people I was exposing to when/if he stopped all contact with the OW.

BTW, I can't remember if you've said whether or not you've talked to or met the OW yet? Talking to the OW enabled me to inflict the most damage on their relationship. I was able to tell the OW the truth about what my WH was up to (like how he was trying to see me behind her back). And although she claimed she didn't believe me they would have a fight and break up right afterwards LOL. AND then she would become more and more controlling and suspicious of him too. My contacting the OW really enraged my WH so I knew it was working at destroying their fun. (The highlight was when my husband informed me that she didn't like me referring to her as the 'OW'... I called her up and told her that not only was she an 'OW' but that she was merely OW number 7 - that my WH had a serial adultery problem that we had been to counseling for and WH had sworn was fixed. So much for her delusion that she was somehow 'special'...)

Good job on exposing to the OW's XBF. Hopefully he will pass the info on to some other folks she knows. Also, she might get in contact with him again (highly likely because she's the cheating sort, right?) Imagine her surprise when she learns he KNOWS why she broke up with him! And if/WHEN she does contact the XBF again he could tell you and you could tell your WH and that will give the OW and your WH something to fight about...

So, are you starting to see why they don't want you to expose? Adultery thrives in secrecy. WH doesn't want you to know all the details of what he and OW are up to. WH doesn't want OW to know what he's telling you if/when he wants to see you again. OW doesn't want XBF to know about your WH. OW doesn't want your WH to know if/WHEN she gets in contact with XBF again. Neither of them wants their boss to know. And you, my dear, hold all that exposure power. And THAT is why they are trying to scare you into keeping quiet!

Well. Yesterday proved to be quite an odd day. First, my WH called and I stated in a calm manner that I didn't see the the XBF as having any sort of emotional instability. I also said that I had spoken with him on 5 occasions over the last 2 days and had learned a great deal about the OW's life and behavior. I said the things I now knew about her were pretty disturbing.

That pricked my WH's attention and he wanted to know what was so bad. I stated that ours was not the first marriage destroyed by the OW. Before she met her XBF she had slept with her boss who was married with 3 children in the past. She told her XBF that she didn't even know why she did it because "he wasn't even that good looking".

I also explained that the OW had great plans for my WH including a future marriage and children. This really freaked him out as he is attempting to escape our marriage and the responsibility of being a full time dad. He stated that he did not want to get married anytime soon (a.k.a ever again?) and did not want more children with anyone. I said that no woman wants to have the sort of relationship that he wants, i.e. one of casual sex and no commitment especially if she "loves" him.

He seemed to be pretty taken aback by the whole thing and said that he's been "thinking" a lot over the last 3 days. He said he feels very guilty for doing this because he's hurt everyone in his family and will never have the same relationship with his children. Though he again stopped short of apologizing to me for hurting me, he got teary about our DS.

I think that he was also shocked about the OW fooling her XBF into moving across the country and then ditching him. He thought that was unfair since the XBF could not see his daughter now.

The XBF has been pretty busy exposing this to ALL of their family and friends via e-mail. The OW let my WH read the e-mail he sent and it was VERY harsh on both of them. My WH actually asked me why the XBF "hated" him (can you believe it???). I said it was because the XBF never wanted to break up with the OW and be forced not see his daughter. I also pointed out that my WH's relationship with the OW prevented any chance of reconciliation for them.

I think that this situation has weighed very heavily on my WH. Not that he's given me any indication at all that he wants me back, but he gave a subtle hint that he wouldn't mind coming home. I'm not sure how to deal with this since he is obviously still in love with the OW, but struggling with his new found knowledge about her.

Do I just watch and wait or what?

Excellent job, Saralynn. Be sure to send HR the letter, and then sit back and wait.

You have given your WH some information about the OW. He may start to realize that she is not such a great prize. Of course, she will have a whole other spin to the story. Your job is to do a good Plan A, and stay out of the fray as much as possible. Don't argue with your WH about the OW. You have played it just right up to now.

Most excellent job! Continue with exposure, especially at their workplace. One of the things that will have to happen for full recovery is no contact between your WH and the OW in the future. Office adultery is very unprofessional and hopefully the employer will be instrumental in making sure they can't BOTH continue working there.

"I also explained that the OW had great plans for my WH including a future marriage and children. This really freaked him out as he is attempting to escape our marriage and the responsibility of being a full time dad. He stated that he did not want to get married anytime soon (a.k.a ever again?) and did not want more children with anyone. I said that no woman wants to have the sort of relationship that he wants, i.e. one of casual sex and no commitment especially if she "loves" him."

OH YEA!!!

The OW are usually very careful in the beginning to not mention to the MM they are involved with that their agenda is to destroy the MM's marriage so that THEY can get married to him AND start a new family. The OW leads the MM on pretending she's all fun and no committment - until he gets good and hooked on her and/or has done what she hopes is fatal damage to his marriage. You've really given him something to think about now LOL! Now just sit back while he starts feeling 'trapped' by her expectations.

(The OW my WH was fooling around with slept with him for over a year before he found out she expected him to marry her and have 3 kids with her when our divorce was final. She said he 'owed' her 3 kids because we have 3 daughters and it would 'be something he shared with me that they didn't share' otherwise!!! My WH was totally convinced that the OW eould never expect anyting from him! That she would forever remain just fun with no strings attached! This conversation came about because he was telling me that he should be able to continue seeing me after the divorce and I said no but if he agreed to a one-year separation agreement to delay the divorce I would continue to see him. I tried to warn him that the other woman was expecting the divorce ASAP though and that she then would be expecting he marry her ASAP. He actually laughed and said: "She's not like you - she doesn't expect anything from me" LOL So when the day came for the divorce finalization we signed a year-long separation agreement instead and she flipped out!!!! THAT is when she revealed to him her agenda about getting married and having 3 babies with him LOL)

You have already set some very important wheels in motion.
Expose to HR. Read about and follow Plan A. Also read about Plan B to prepare yourself for that step when it comes.

Sara, expose to HR while you have them on the ropes. You have her on the run now, don't let up!

Ok. So tonight's visit went very poorly. My WH called and said he was in a bad mood and hoped I wasn't because he "didn't want to fight with me". What a crock!

He basically said the the XBF was lying about everything. The OW denied having broken up a previous marriage and said the XBF was a alcoholic drug addict who lied. My WH said he believed the OW (go figure <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />). I laughed and said I didn't expect anything less, but that I knew he would find out the truth sooner or later. He then became verbally abusive and said F*** you, B****. He later said I was a real B**** for talking to the XBF and that he would "never come back now". I remained very calm throughout this whole tirade and said I didn't care what he did and that nothing he could do or say would bother me anymore.

He's never called me a B**** before, so I guess this whole thing is really getting to him. He threatened to Divorce me (for real this time!) and move in with the OW (which would be a death knell for the relationship I'm sure) and I said go ahead. He asked if that would bother me to have our DS spend the night at the OW's house, and I replied that if the state mandated that I allow such a thing, it did not matter how I felt about it. He is trying to push my buttons because he knows that I don't want our DS to spend the night away from me (he's only 2 years old) so he's trying to get me riled by threatening me.

I told him again that there's nothing he can do to bother me anymore. I then said that I was going to go somewhere for a while so he could continue visiting our DS. He quickly stated that he was leaving (goodness knows he couldn't be alone with our DS because then he would actually have to take care of him for an hour!).

I told him that I didn't want him to come over for visits anymore and that he could take our DS with him if he wanted to spend time with him. I don't want to be verbally abused every time he comes over.

I told my mom of our conversation, how it was all bluff and I predicted that he would apologize in a few days. Lo and behold he text messaged me while I was still on the phone with my mom with a "sorry". This whole thing is really getting ridiculous. I am wondering if I can even continue to do the Plan A or if I should just go to Plan B for now.

I think it would be better to break contact so I won't have to endure being cursed at in front of our DS. I'm also considering changing the locks since he continues to threaten to remove our computer because it's "his". I don't want him in our home if that's how he's going to behave. I really think he's gone schizo at this point.