I'm Done. No more plan A or plan B. I don't want to save this marriage anymore. My WH has already told me he filed for the D. and I am ready for it to be over. Unless a complete miracle occurs, this is the beginning of the end.

Thanks for all the good advice. Something may have worked if my WH was a different man and had a conscience or character. Because he has none of those things, I am letting him go.

Good luck to the rest of you and thanks for the support.

Orchid: All talk until you get the actual paperwork and even then it ain't over until you say so. So is that what u r saying? This would mean that you are willing t/d the D paperwork for the WS? Make sure this is what you want and not making these life changing decisions based on your emotional disposition.


Orchid: The WS' quite fickle. If you want proof, go check out OrangePearl's thread. Her WS waffled back and forth about a trip even up to the time he had to leave for the airport. So anything can happen from your current sitch forward. Better t/b prepared instead of just throwing in the towel. You will find you've got more stamina in you than you realize.

Let me ask you, in your life what have you had to fight for?


Orchid: We don't need luck. We need t/b MB smart. Are you? Do you want t/b?

L.

I really don't think I have anymore to give. Since talking to the XBF, I've discovered so many things about my WH and the reason for his strange and sick behavior toward me right before he and the OW kissed that I feel totally violated and used. I'm not sure that I can get over this.

I think it would actually be best if he and the OW lived together so they can sicken themselves with each other. Their relationship will most assuredly fail, but I still don't think I can take him back when that happens. My feelings for my WH have completely changed since talking to the XBF and learning what I have. Like I said before, he will not do what it takes to make our marriage work even if he were to leave the OW. I really don't think he will be willing to prove to me that he's capable of having an honest and mature relationship.

I'm actually disgusted at the person my WH has become and have lost all respect for him. If I thought he was at least a normal guy going through a "weird time", I might have some hope. But this whole thing has shown me that he is an abnormal guy doing what is in his very nature to do.

How can I deal with that knowledge and retain any hope for our marriage?

I forgot - how was your husband in the years BEFORE the affair? If he was tolerable then, things can be recovered. What kind of things did the boyfriend tell you?

Yes, it was tolerable before the A. But, in order for me to get over the A. at all, he would have to be willing to work on the marriage, something he was never willing to do and will not be willing to do. He would expect me to simply take him back because I wanted to with nothing in return. I can't do that.

The XBF disclosed some intimate "preferences" of the OW (which I did not want to know nor did I inquire about) and I found out that during our 3 days of "closeness" that my WH was basically "practicing" on me and then telling the OW what we did in order to entice her. I'm horrified over this. I can't stand the fact that a person who claimed to love me would use me in such a way to get another woman!!!

I don't think I can get over that. Any shred of feeling I had for him disappeared in that moment and I no longer want to restore this marriage. I've told him that I don't want him back and he said that he had already filed for the D. anyway. So that's the end.

I was willing to retain hope before I realized the depth of his vileness. Now there is nothing to hope for but a speedy dissolution and as little contact as possible.

Wow, I can't imagine the OW telling her BF about THAT!!!! But she must have, or he wouldn't know. But why would she? Yep, that's vile.

I doubt that he has filed for divorce, and will believe it when you have the papers.

You are right, living together would be the fastest way to break up the affair.

She did tell her XBF and he told me. Then my WH feigns innocence when he tells me that the OW kissed him, when he had been disclosing our intimate life to her all along.

Since my WH doesn't want to live with anyone (so he says) and the OW wants to live, marry and have kids with him, they will then have to either acquiesce to each other's wants, or they will fight. I believe they will go along at first and then the fights will ensue. That way they can't blame me or the XBF when they occur and will turn on each other.

Their relationship is doomed and I will delight in the day that it goes down in flames. It may take months or even years, but it will happen and I will be sooooo glad.

If I let the OW know that I have no intentions of stopping their relationship and don't want to prevent them from being together there is no excuse my WH can give for not living with her. Since they work together as well, it will be a 24/7 relationship that will drive my WH nuts since he has to be alone frequently.


I think my WH has been using my pregnancy to stall moving in (he pretends that it would be more stressful for me if he divorced me now and moved in with the OW, so he's probably telling her they should wait.)

I can't wait to see how the WH handles this one.

This is one that is sometimes hard to wrap our arms around because we don't want to believe we could have made such a bad choice in a mate. Some people never get or accept this and they hang on and hang on to something not worth hanging onto and end up dealing with the same thing months, years from now because their WS "are who they are", not who we dreamed, hoped, prayed they were/would be.

Good going realizing this.

Depending on how conniving she is, there is another scenario. She might just get pregnant on purpose, without telling him anything about it. That happens a lot around here.

Disclosing your intimate life is a big love buster, but I think lots of them do it. Think of them as heroin addicts - they will go as low as they need to.

Yes, I believe that is one of the most likely scenarios. Even the XBF told me that she would get pregnant on purpose and for my WH to be careful. I told my WH and he said he might get snipped to prevent it, but I don't think he will do it soon enough.

Like I said, I really don't care anymore. He can have a gaggle of children with her and it won't make a bit of difference to me. He on the other hand said that if he had more children with the OW and then had to pay child support for those he would probably "shoot himself". Whether or not that was a joke I don't know.

The noose is tightening and I think he knows it.

Okay, so he knows that she could get pregnant. He has been warned. But we have had several men (one even a doctor) here who were warned and ended up with another child.

It is kind of annoying for him to be so passive and not willing to own his choices. Saying he would shoot himself if she got pregnant is so stupid. He is acting like he has nothing to do with all of this stuff that is happening.

Anyway, you have done your best. I would be sure to be protected financially, Plan A when you see him, and get on with a good life. Go out with friends, do things you always wanted to do, and wait.

Don't make any choices right now. You need to sit back and watch the trainwreck about to happen, and know that YOU are the only one you can change.

Most of them get pregnant on purpuse. The OW in our life did it as quick as she could....He had just walked out on me and our 3 year old and a 2 month old. What made her think he would stay for a kid? I don't get these women. If he will cheat on his wife, what makes you any different? I happen to believe that OW all share a retarded gene of some sort. Anyway, you can bet on her getting pregnant. My WXH's OW got pregnant because I was and wanted to take the attention away from me and our third child. And ya know what...it worked. They will try anything to get the man away from you. If you truly feel the way you have stated, then best to just get out. No good will come from you staying in a situation you can't fix, but keep in mind that the divorce and the break up of their relationship might just be what he needs to wake up. My H was never interested in our marriage or making it better. His response to my cries for help was "deal with it". and i did. I felt the same way you do now. I did divorce him, he did move in with her, they had a child, I put him in jail, and he came home. We are doing good now. We are planning on getting remarried in January and are currently in a custody battle with OW for OC. I finally have the man I married back and my kids have the dad they always should have had. I am not saying there aren't rough times, but they are alot less than before. Be done for now, but don't discount the possibilities of tomorrow.

P.S. One more thing, before you go thinking that my H couldn't have been as horrible as what yours is at the moment, I will be happy to share a little more of my story with you. I think you might need to hear it. Just ask and I will send you a private email. I have read most of the stories on here and not one of them has come close to the horrors my WXH put me thru, but since I am not interested in winning the worst story contest, I keep most of the details to myself. But I will share a little of it if you feel it would help. Just remember that no matter how dark the tunnel is...there is light somewhere up ahead.

I'm sorry, I know that mine is probably not the worst tale. Many women, including you, have probably experienced far worse at the hands of their WH. I am just having trouble dealing with the constant cruelty inflicted upon me and there is nothing I can do.

I used to consider myself someone who lacked a vengeful and unforgiving nature, but now I have to reevaluate that. This situation has really pushed me to the limit. I still don't hate either one, but I find myself wishing for their lives to be utterly miserable. While I do hope that this misery would lead to their eventual salvation (I wouldn't wish anyone to go to H*ll.), I still want them to suffer as I am suffering now.

It's hard to think of the possibility that my WH would ever be remorseful enough to reconcile with me. After all, he has yet to even genuinely apologize for what he's done. It only seems as if he is bent on hurting me at every turn.

I suppose that I should not close myself off from the possibility for anything to happen, but my anger has reached a level that my feelings for him are cut off. It's either be angry or walk around devastated for the next 6 months. I'd rather be angry.

I know that I don't have to express that anger toward him and I don't have to return evil for evil. I can be the woman that God wants me to be in this situation, I will just have to ask for His help in this. I am just soooo ready for the pain to end and I don't want to deal with this any longer.

Maybe I need a little vacation or something. I don't know. I just want to escape this situation for a while and be free from the hurt for just a day.

"Maybe I need a little vacation or something. I don't know. I just want to escape this situation for a while and be free from the hurt for just a day."

Sounds like a good idea.

Any questions about how to do Plan A or Plan B?

I just want to say that I feel exactly the same way as you.
This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to endure. Steve Harley told me that the cruelty is not intentional. That he is like a drug addict. Still, I too, suffer at the cruelty. My WH just flaunts the affair in my face now. I feel like such a doormat for just taking it.

I can't believe this man, who is he? How do you get over this? We don't have children. So, I stay because he was a wonderful husband. I just can't give up on the hope that he is in there. Somewhere.

I too agree that we have to trust in God. It is so difficult right now. But, I will pray for you that He will give you strength.

Thanks for the encouraging words. I'm sorry that you are going through this horrible experience yourself. The only thing that I think you can find comfort in is the fact that you don't have to see your WH if you don't want to.

My WH just came to pick up our DS. He was as big a jerk as always. I asked him if he moved in with the OW yet and he replied that he couldn't b/c I could object and the courts wouldn't allow over night stays. I'm not sure if that is true or not. I will do more research. But like I said, it's probably a convenience on his part so that he can "have his cake and eat it too" with the OW. All fun and no hindrances to his freedom. How nice for him.

My WH also stated it would validate what the OW's XBF said about him being an adulterer (hey, I guess since he doesn't live with the OW, he can pretend he's not actually having an A.???) Anyway, I'm again sick of the situation today. Every encounter with the WH is difficult and awkward. This is why I can't plan A anymore. My WH just continuously jabs me and it's hard to return his hurtful words with anything more than a cold response.

I'm tired.

Sara,

I can't remember, do you have anything legal in regards to custody, finances, housing, etc?

Are you going to do a PLAN B?

Nothing as of yet. I was waiting for my WH to file for the D. He said he did last week, who knows if it's true. If not, then I have an appointment with my attorney on 9/05/07. I will file for legal separation at that time if I still haven't received any papers.

I think I can't do anything but plan B at this stage. Though it seems like a completely lost cause at this point. He acts as though he completely hates the sight of me and he is always sarcastic and rude.

I did check some internet sites about the "overnight clause". I can legally object to immoral acts (i.e. overnight guests of the opposite sex) while my child is present during visitations. So it seems that he's done a lot of research on this.

I commented on how sad it must be for him not to be able to live with his girlfriend and he replied "not really". Which just goes to prove that he's using my son as tool to keep the OW at arms length. He has never once requested my son to stay overnight with him (even though he has been living with his sister this entire time). Now it's some big deal for him to be able to have him.

The OW's XBF stated that the OW was in financial problems because she recently had to move to a new apartment that had higher rent. She is seeking out a second job to make ends meet. I wonder how she felt when my WH stated that he couldn't possibly move in because I would most assuredly object to my DS staying overnight.

What games and lies he is playing. Now I am in a bit of a quandary. I really can't say I approve of my DS spending the night with my WH and the OW, but I don't want my WH to use him as an excuse to stay away from her either.

This really is the weirdest experience of my life.

Get your ducks in a row legally (LSA, or something) so that the idiot can't duck his financial responsibilities to you an children. Make sure he still has you on his insurance so that there are no surprises when you deliver.

Don't let your son meet OW, regardless of the games idiot WH is playing. Protect him, you and your unborn child. Leave WH to God.

When is your due date? Does WH plan to be there? If so I would make it extremley uncomfortable for him by having your mother or father, sibling there with you and make the idiot stay in the same room with them if he is brave enough to come.

I would even go as far as to talk to my attorney about a legal document to cover yourself/child in case of any complications, etc whereby WH could make decisions about your health, treatment (don't laugh at this these idiots in the middle of their fantasy affairs are out of this world and will do anything!).

You sound like a very good woman, mother who has it together more than most people I know under the circumstances. I agree that WH is not worthy of you and your children and your children while not being raised in a home with their mother and father present will, imo, benefit much more by your WH not being around. There are WS's and then there are WS's, your WH is a real loser to do this to you while pregnant and imo, is a loser of epic propotions.

You can do so much better!