This is the hardest part about being around a WH: their fog babble. As the BS, we tend to look for any little encouragement from them because we want to reconcile.

My WH says weird stuff all the time. If I let myself think on it too much, I get my hopes up. So I try not to. They need to show us that they want more than anything to come home, they can't just hint at it to see if we will beg them.

My only advice to you is to try not to read too much into your WH's words. It is his actions that matter.

Ok..

So my WH keeps mentioning the fact that he is lonely living alone and cannot pay his bills because he is maintaining two households. He also says he misses his children very much and thinks about them daily.

He has been calling me more frequently and sending TMs as well. We have discussed him coming home, but his response is that he has lost his love for me as a wife and feels that it would be very difficult for him to be a husband to me.

My question is: Should I encourage him to come home for the children even though he does not "love" me anymore? I am worried because he says he cannot promise me not to contact the OW because they work together and he will "always" like her. I am afraid if he does decide to come home, he will agree to NC, but will maintain it anyway.

He has also "threatened" me that he may move in with the OW to save money, but so far doesn't seem to be all that eager. He has been in contact with a real estate agent again though, even though both of them have just recently moved (him into a condo and her into an apartment).

He says that he hasn't been around the OW "all that much" so he may be weighing his options. He repeatedly asks me if he thinks us living together again would really work. I said that depends on him, because I am willing to work on the marriage. He still says that he thinks we could never get past this and our marriage wouldn't be the same (i.e. I would never trust him and he couldn't go places alone). I said that trust would have to be regained and that going places alone would not be an option for a while, but not out of the question later on. I said that if he was different, I thought we could have a better marriage than we had before.

He still has issues with me being a Christian though, which is huge. This alone may be the death knell for our relationship.

But even if he is ok with having a Christian wife, I don't know how to make him love me again. I am feeling completely insecure and unloved already and extending myself in the hopes of getting him to fall in love with me again seems more horrible than what I'm going through right now.

Any thoughts or insights? Should I try to plan A again since it seems he's starting to think more about what he wants or would that be a waste of time? I must admit that doing another plan A at this point is about as appealing as eating light bulbs...So any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

BTW..I canceled the on-line divorce package I ordered and told my WH to pick up the software at a local stationary store if he wanted to divorce me...he's done nothing as of yet.

He is out of the house already and he is definately seeing her. Basically, now he is getting all the benefits from her without the burden. I don't see moving in with her would make matters worse. Maybe if he moves in with her, the reality will set in eventually; it can take months or years.

This is a deal breaker imo....Until WH accepts Christ as his personal Lord and Savior you are flirting with disaster and will be better served to find a believer who wants to love you and make a life with you.

Hi Saralynn,
My WH told me the same thing this weekend. He says he isn't interested in moving his family back. I don't even want to do no Plan A or Plan B anylonger (not sure if I ever started one in the first place). Why do I want to fool myself? I can see in it in actions that he is not in love with me anylonger, when the love runs out, there is nothing for us to do. I have come to realize that I need to move on, when there is no more love between two people, what is the use of trying and trying? That's just my opinion. I feel that my WH only looks for me to get closer to our DS, not because he is concerned for me. He told me " I really miss the baby, I EVEN miss you!" What was that all about? No need for that. If I were you, I wouldn't encourage your WH to come over, if he really would want to see his children, he would try any and all means to see them. That's just my opinion. Stay strong, we need to, especially for our children!

I agree that the ideal would be for him to become a Christian before coming home. I also know that if the unbeliever desires to depart that I should let him. I am willing to do this and have let him know that whatever decision he makes I will be ok.

The problem he is waffling now. He keeps asking me what he should do. I told him I don't know, it's his choice. If he doesn't want to be with me as a husband I can't change his feelings, he has to want his feeling to change.

He keeps saying he wants to come home for the children, though, but he also feels we are too far gone to salvage our relationship. So he still doesn't know exactly what he wants to do.

I hate being in limbo and I don't especially want him coming home just for the kids. He said he won't have girlfriends if he comes home, but he said that before too and we know that he didn't keep his word on that one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I just feel so gross about him coming home after being with the OW knowing he is going to "grin and bear it" with me for the kids. That makes me ill.

But I also think about the verse that says if the unbeliever is content to live with you, you should not divorce them...but it seems that he is not really content to live with me, but only wants the kids. It's a yucky situation all the way around.

I probably should just cut him loose and file, but I'm confused right now.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

According to my understanding, the bible says you should marry another believer, and be equally yoked. However if you are married to a nonbeliever, you are to be an example and light in their life.

He is just like all the foggy, babbling WS's. When the affair is over, he will revert to normal. Hang in there. Most husbands DON'T leave, and DO come back to their families.

Sarah, you've only been at this since June (that's only four months). Why do you have to do anything RIGHT NOW? Do you trust God? Then give it to Him and sit still for awhile. Plan A every opportunity you get for now.

H&P,

Thanks for your input. I am trying to gauge if he is coming out of his fog or if he is giving me an excuse as to "why" he can't come home. It still feels awful knowing he doesn't love me and still has a lot of feelings for the OW, but would come home for the kids.

It's hard to understand what I should do. Though I am praying for wisdom, I am still unsure.


PM,

Thanks for your response too. I've read your thread and see that God has done an amazing work in your husband's life. It was encouraging to see how God can work a horrible situation out for the good.

I am waiting to see what the outcome of this situation will be (that's why I canceled the divorce package). My feelings are just so hurt over this whole thing right now that my WH's second thoughts about divorcing are making me consider what other heart aches will be involved if he decides to come back.

It could be that he is just having a jealous reaction to me speaking with the OW's XBF who he despises and does not want around his children. He keeps accusing me of having feelings for him even though I have repeatedly stated I do not love him at all and would never have him around my kids.

My WH seems to have finally realized that he will be out of his children's lives for the most part if he choses divorce and may even have to compete with another man for their affection if I decide to remarry.

Apparently the reality stick has finally smacked him square in the head.

Thanks for that Believer. I agree with you on the spiritual side of things.

I just wonder why, if my WH thought our marriage was troubled before, he would be willing to enter into a situation that has been made worse by what he's done.

He isn't the type to work for something that is difficult, that's why he sought a new relationship in the first place. As he said to me before "it's easy to have fun with her".

So I really think he's just having some second thoughts about his kids, but will end up wanting out of the relationship with me eventually if he remains in his state of unbelief.

Hopefully God will prove me wrong by getting through to my WH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sure its easy to have fun! No responsibilities, no day to day problems, just fun, fun, fun. But that always changes. Do something exciting in your life. I'm sure he'll be back.

It won't be so much as God proving you wrong as proving that He is God. YOU will be okay as long as you follow on His path. That may mean with or without your husband. I was SOOO afraid to even think that way. I WANTED my husband back (and I told God many times, that's the only way I could be happy.)

When I finally stopped looking at my husband's coming back as the ONLY way to happiness and joy and started earnestly seeking after God, then everything else fell into place. There were lots of factors (including my husband's willingness to bend once he was broken) that were at play but ultimately God's will was done.

Saralynn77, how have you been?

Sara - Schoolbus1 is a troll. She used to be BestAdvisor1 and now is attempting to impersonate the real Schoolbus. Ignore her. She means nothing but harm.

Thanks PM,

Yes, I sort of figured that SB1 is BA1. This poster has taken particular interest in my thread because she likes to hear the juicy details of my sad story. I quit responding to her before because she kept stating the obvious (i.e. my "WH is being cruel") and not offering any advice except to "move on".

I appreciate your care in pointing it out though and looking out for me.

Thank you again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sara

No problem. So did you take Believer's advice and do something exciting? Something special just for you?

I've not done anything exciting or special for me yet, but I will start thinking of things. I just don't have a lot of money right now (WH has me on sort of a tight budget LOL) and I can't get out for very long since I am nursing.

I will be putting some serious thought into it though.

Maybe I will start that jigsaw puzzle I've been wanting to do...? Just kidding.

Thanks for the encouragement <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sara

Alright...

Maybe I'm sleep deprived or just crazy but...

Should I let my WH move home so we could be "roommates" for the children's sake?

To help answer this question, here's a little update on what's happening.

A few weeks ago my WH starts telling me that he misses the kids...A LOT. He is crying all the time, lonely at his condo, and severely misses his son.

So he asks me if he can spend the night...now for those of you who have kept up with my story, this is something I was trying to get the WH to do since he moved out. Needless to say, he did spend the night for the first time in 4 months and he has done it 4 times now.

Nothing goes on between us, he sleeps in our son's room with him. We have a pleasant dinner and I watch him play with our son. He seems to enjoy his time here except he is distant at times when, I assume, thoughts of his OW pop into his head.

I have been trying to get him to agree to my terms and come home. My terms are NC with OW for life, MC, 15 hours a week "us" time, etc.

He is appalled that I would ask him not to ever see or talk to her again though and for that reason alone refuses to come home for "us". I told him that for us to recover, it is necessary, but he feels that he cannot do this and that it is impossible since they work together and he refuses to quit his job because he makes an extremely good wage.

I told him the marriage is more important to me than the money, yet he still refuses to even consider it.

I have been discussing our relationship and have not found anything that really cannot be improved if he would commit to the marriage. I feel that if he moved in, I could plan A again and he would see that we are far more compatible than his foggy brain remembers.

It was actually his suggestion that he come home and we live as "roommates". Though I'm not totally sure he actually would.

He said if he returned, he would not have any "girlfriends" (i.e. sexual partners), but he would not cut off contact with OW because she is his friend (GAG).

Now, as stupid as this may seem, I think that him moving home, even under these conditions, is the best option. The reasons being:

1.) OW said that if my WH felt that he could not divorce me because of the children, she would move 300 miles away to live with her sister to make it "easier" on him to get over her. Thus I feel that if he moved in, this would be a huge LB to his OW.

2.) My WH said if he came home this time, there would be no way he could leave again since it would just devastate our son. While he may, indeed, move out again, I think that this would do more to break my WH, than it would hurt my DS.

3.) My WH is sinking fast into huge financial debt because he cannot maintain 2 households. He has put $14,000 on credit cards over the past 4 months. IF he came home, he could start to pay off the debt and if we recover at least he would not have added to his debt anymore than he already has.

4.) I actually think that since I am to be single and celibate anyway for 2 years after the divorce, why not be that way while the WH lives here? If he continues to reject my advances, I will lose whatever love I have for him and if we do divorce, I don't think it would hurt as much than if I did a plan B. I could also do a more effective plan A if he was here since we would interact more.

5.) I could also continue to stay home with my children and not be forced to return to work when my DD is only 3 months.


So, these are my reasons for considering to let my WH come home. If this works out, then I feel it would probably be the most effective way to get to a place where we could eventually begin recovery.

If he continues to waffle for a significant period of time, then my love bank (which is already pretty much empty) will be totally depleted and a divorce will actually seem like a good thing.

Ok..so is this crazy or does anyone think this would actually work?

I honestly don't know what to tell you... If you were still in Plan A I would say yes... but since you had already given your WH the Plan B letter then the answer is no.

IMHO I think it would be a mistake since he is making it clear that he will not stop contact with the OW and is also telling you that he is not willing to work on the marriage and isn't interested in a real marriage with you. I think he just wants the comfort of coming home, especially with the holidays coming up, and wants help with his financial problems. Apparently he's hoping to get back into your life minus ending it with the OW or meeting any of your other conditions or needs.

As to whether or not he will leave again: my bet would be yes he would, for this OW or a new one, and it will not be good for your children.

And as for your decision to remain celibate for a while, until the divorce is final and you've had time to repair the damage to yourself: that's good IMHO BUT it's not info you should give to your WH as he will certainly interpret that as more time to fool around before he takes you seriously.

In all honesty I think you should give him the Plan B letter again and then stop all contact with him.

MM,

I totally agree with you that my WH is not interested in a real marriage with me. In fact, letting him come home could even result in him leaving more in the evening or on weekends to spend time with his OW as soon as he got tired of seeing his kids. This would be the worst case scenario.

OTOH, it could result in him pulling away from the OW and bonding more with all of us and thereby leading to recovery. It is a gamble for sure.

Also, he may not even agree to come home if I say I am willing to be a roommate to him. That may have just been another excuse as to why he wouldn't come home. I really won't know until I ask.

I am just looking at this situation as practically as possible. My WH is waiting for the situation to change without putting any work into it. This is always how he's been.

If you can believe it, he has prayed to God (amazingly enough) to ask for help, but again, I think he is looking for a change in the situation, not for him to do anything. I'm glad that God is patient, because I know I have problems dealing with his utter laziness at times. He is by no means declaring himself a Christian, but I think at least he sees his need for God even if he is not being completely genuine.

My hope in all this was to effect a change by offering to let him come home and see if that didn't cause the OW to actually move away thereby giving us a chance to recover.

If that didn't happen, at least I would have been able to stay home longer with my DD and DS, which was the point of me quitting my job back in April. And my WH would bond more with his children because he would be around them far more than he is now.

It would also lessen the debt my WH would have to pay if he did decide to come home, thereby reducing the financial burden on the entire family.

I understand that our marriage is not important to my WH and I am not trying to make anything easy on HIM. I am, however, trying to reduce the damage if we ever do recover.

I actually am detaching quite a bit already which is why I would even consider letting him home knowing that he is still seeing her. Our relationship is not what is foremost in my mind right now because I understand that I cannot make it work all by myself. I am simply looking at what is best for me and the kids in the short term and which would also have some very good benefits if recovery ever does occur in the future.

It seems a wise course in my opinion, but I am always willing to hear yours on the subject as it is one I respect.

So thank you!