I never suggest you to hook up with some random guy. Moving on doesn't mean hooking up. It's up to him to "wake up" and if he is that kind of guy (based on his recent behavior, he is, but not sure about will be), he will probably never want to return.

He called you a Springer Wife because of your allowing him to return and if you continue to have that mind set (allowing him to return without limitiation in terms of very strict rules AND set time limit), he will continue see you as a Springer Wife, not to mention what the Bible said about being equally yoked.

(((((Saralynn)))))

And how long has this person "advising" you been on the system? How much experience does this person have? What reflection of faith and love is there for you to that shapes the advice?

dunno....just seems like opinions based in little experience.

God bless.

What do you mean then by "moving on"?

I don't think my WH believes that I will hold out hopes of being with him forever, just that I will not be in a place to date or even enter into another relationship for some time.

That's not because I am going to purposely prevent myself from seeking out another relationship after I feel that I am ready, but because of the fact that I am a Christian and have certain standards for a future mate and that I have gone through quite a traumatic ordeal due to his affair.

Also, are you saying that my situation is so utterly hopeless that I should just give up and file for divorce?

If you feel that my situation is that bad, then why on Earth did you offer your advice on how to get my WH to respect me?

What would be the point of gaining his respect if he will "probably never want to return" anyway?


I would appreciate it if you read my posts to you. It really does help to carry on a productive discussion.

I have already stated that my conditions for return are not "without limitation" and they do have a "time limit". My WH knows this as I have told him repeatedly in person and he has it in writing in my plan B letter.

However, the time limit is not based on anything but my feelings for him and I cannot force myself to genuinely move on before I am ready.

I'm sure that after a certain period of time, I will no longer love him as a husband and I do not plan on holding on to hopes of reconciliation forever.

So if he chooses not to return, then I'm sure that when enough time has passed, plan B will have done what is supposed to do and I will have "moved on" at that point.

Finally, my WH called me a "Springer Wife" because he was frustrated at my desire to remain married in light of his affair. He feels that by even wanting to reconcile, I am somehow not "normal" since any sane person, in his mind, would kick a guy like him to the curb.

I did communicate to him, however, that my motivations for desiring to save the marriage are not based on any desperation on my part.

He knows that I do love him and I feel that it is very important for the father and mother to raise their children together as husband and wife.

So my intentions for saving my marriage are noble and I'm sure he is well aware of that. However, he does not wish to believe it, so he stooped to insults.

Also, I do not see preserving our marriage as violating any biblical principle. If he wishes to depart, then 1 Corinthians states I am to let him. It seems that this is what has happened at this point.

However, if he decides some time before the divorce is final to rededicate himself to the marriage and I believe he is genuine and puts forth effort to prove that, then I am also commanded not to depart from him.

Thanks FH,

I agree with you that the advice I'm receiving by this poster isn't very much in line with either MB or biblical principles.

So its probably not very productive to continue engaging in any more discussions.

Thank you for looking out for me, though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

In fact this poster's post sound suspiciously similar to some other posters of late. Anybody else picked up on that?

Saralynn, you will have to decide for yourself what "values" you think are acceptable to you, so my comments are my thoughts on your situation only, not something that you "need to do." Your situation and your marriage are between you and God.

Having said that, when you say; "until he comes to the place where he begins to see the value in Christian morality," it isn't his view of "morality" (Christian or otherwise) that will make him see any value in you or see you any differently than he does now.

It is a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, as a born again believer, that would make him see the difference.

Unless he were to truly surrender his life to Christ, the "best" that you could hope for would be a marriage of two people with vastly different "worldviews." At this point is clear that he thinks he can manipulate you by trying to "guilt" you into thinking that it's your "Christian obligation" to remain with him, regardless of what he does. Nevermind that he places no value on "Christian obligation" on his own life and his own choices, to say nothing of HIS marriage to you and HIS role modeling to your children of what a husband and father should do.

The teaching regarding remaining married to an unbelieving spouse is dependent upon that spouse is living with you "as if" they believed and being a "biblical husband" in all areas except faith in Christ.

But God is also a God of Peace. That is why with adultery between two believers and between a believer and an unbeliever, you have the same right to a Divorce. ALL of the things of God are "foolishness" to an unbeliever and any "respect" that they have for you is not founded in "servanthood in Christ," but in what they may think is "good enough" for themselves or that they can use to "make you" let them do whatever they want to.

This attitude of "maybe when I'm done with playing around" WE will see things differently is, or should be, revealing enough as to his relationship with Christ. "Go and LEAVE your life of sin" was a present imperative command that Jesus gave to the adulterous woman.

It isn't a "go and keep on sinning and everything will be okay because you can have whatever it is that you want whenever you want it."

Something also to consider, which I'm sure you've already thought about, is the command to raise children in the "nuture and admonition of the Lord."

Tolerating blatant willful sin against God is, perhaps, not a very good way to do that. "Sacrificing" your beliefs (i.e. that believer are to subject themselves to God in humble obedience regardless of their own feelings) may not be a good way to witness about the fact that believers are servants of God, not of themselves and their own wants and desires.

The area of hope and prayer, it would seem, to focus on for your husband is his need for Christ and his relationship with God first. Without that as a "first priority" and a "first requirement," you CAN choose to remain married to him, but at what cost to you and the children?

Your choices are not "easy," so lean on God for wisdom, understanding, and strength.

God bless.

SaraLynn,
Hi, I'm very new to this forum, but I too was a victim of infidelity by my husband when I was pregnant. Our son is now 14 months old, my husband is not in the house and I still think, pray and hope for a reconciliation. He is living with the OW, who happens to be his ex-girlfriend and they have a son together also. Very messed up situation. Supposedly he got his own place this past weekend, but we'll see...
And he hasn't seen our son in 2 weeks which is heartbreaking to me.

One thing that helped me is the book, "Power of a Praying Wife" and also praying Ephesians 3 (the prayer at the end of chpt) for him. I replaced "he" or "him" with my husband's name. That asks that the Holy spirit fill him up with the knowledge of God's love...b/c it really is true unless your WS seeks God and has a change in his inner man, then it he will not think or believe that what he has done and is doing is sinful or wrong, therefore his actions won't reflect any substantial or lasting change. I pray this every night for him.

I am also fervently praying for myself (strength, peace, joy!)and definitely have a life outside of hoping for a saved marriage. I haven't read all your posts but I am sure at this point you have gotten lots of friends and family to spend time with and help you through this season.

Congratulations on your daughter! Although sometimes it is hard to sustain others when you are emotionally battered yourself, I am sure she is a bright spot in all this mess.

Seriously I don't think you can separate the human nature part of your WS. I mean, if he thinks he has lost you forever, then he will begin to wonder if that is what he really wants. Dr. Dobson's Love Must Be Tough has a good message for people in our situation.

I completely agree with you here. I have been struggling with the question, though, as to whether or not my WH is a prodigal son and maybe even with exactly what a prodigal son is.

We both made confessions of faith and were baptized together 6 years ago. It seems at this point that he must not have been genuine in his confession.

However, I also wonder at times that perhaps he was genuine, but departed from God, as the prodigal did.

Do you think that a person could be saved and then commit adultery and continue on in that sin, denying the faith for a while before coming to repentance as my WH is doing?

Was the prodigal son "saved" before he went on his excursion of sin only to "come to himself" later and repent?

Or was his "sonship" from God's perspective in that He is omniscient and knows who are His, thus he called him a "son" before his conversion took place later?


Much to my great sadness, you are totally correct. I realize that he is not interested in doing what is right, though he holds me to that standard. His e-mail to my Pastor showed that.



I also agree with you here. I was thinking about what I wrote last night about being commanded not to depart and wasn't sure that it was really applicable to my situation.

I'm not sure how to feel about many things in my case, though I do want to follow God in it.

I really don't see my WH coming home at this point and I assume that I will be getting divorce papers very soon, so it will not be a choice that I will have to struggle with much longer.



So it is your opinion that a believer is capable of committing adultery, but perhaps that they would be convicted of their sin and repent at some point?

I can understand how that may happen since we are all capable of sin, but I wonder at my WH's lack of remorse (though he has repeatedly said he is sorry for "hurting me" and "putting me through this", it is obviously not a godly sorrow leading to repentance).

I wonder if this is an indication that he is truly not saved or if believers can commit a sin such as this and continue to justify their behavior for long while.

It seems to me that this would be very difficult for a true Christian to do and they would at least struggle with what they are doing or have done and would not continue long in the sin because of heavy conviction.


Yes, his relationship with Christ seems to be nonexistent, otherwise, he would not be able to keep sinning and desire to continue in it.


I did consider this somewhat, but find myself waffling on it a lot. I really do believe that a father's presence is important, though I do not wish for my WH to be a bad influence on the children.

If he continues on in his life of sin, though, even after we are divorced, I fear that he will be influencing them regardless.

I wasn't sure if it would be better to reconcile with my WH, even if he did not believe, in the hopes of being able to remain a godly influence in his life and perhaps later he would come to know Christ. It also seems I would be able to more directly counter any poor influence my WH may exhibit in regard to God because I would be around to witness it.

OTOH, it may also be better for him not to be around the children as much if he were to continue in his life of sin.

It really is difficult to know what would be best and I know that I do need direction from God in all this.



I have been mostly praying for my WH's salvation or for him to return to God on the off chance he is saved. I do realize now that preserving the marriage at all costs is not necessarily the ideal and that God may have other plans at this point.

I am now at a place were I can accept God's will whatever it may be, though I struggled quite a bit at first (and still do sometimes) about how any good could come out of this situation.

FTBM,

It is a heartbreaking situation to be in isn't?

You love your WH, yet you see him so lost in sin and bent on hurting you and your children.

I have read the Power of a Praying Wife and Dobson's LMBT, and thought both were very good.

I don't know if your WH ever confessed to being a Christian at one point, but it is amazing at how much I've seen God witness to my WH in this situation.

The first day he was gone over night away from home after spending time with the OW up state, he stated that he was walking around and a street fair was going on.

3 people witnessed to him about Jesus.

He has also had a number of Christian friends tell him what he's doing is wrong, had a random acquaintance pray with him in a parking lot, and recently e-mailed my Pastor and got another witness from him about the evils of adultery.

I have continued to witness to him, put us on several prayer chains, and pray for him daily.

It is very difficult to continue on, especially when you see all the effort that has been put into getting his attention and he continues on.

I need to be reminded to pray for him with the same fervency I had at the beginning, but I find myself growing weary anymore.

So thank you for the reminder and I will definitely go and reread Ephesians 3!

My daughter is a real blessing to me and my son is as well.

I know that God will take care of us (you and your son too!) through this situation.

Ok,

I thought I would give a little update on my situation. Not much has changed except my WH is now showing occasional signs of being less sure about divorce.

I am going to be starting work this week (ugh), though it's only part-time. My WH thought it would be good for me to take the job and "get out of the house more". I assume because it would make me less dependent on him.

I have told him a few times how hard it would be on my DD since she tends to cry whenever I am gone, but it only falls on deaf ears.

His callousness in regard to his own DD is upsetting to say the least.

Mostly he tends to only want to see my DS as often as he feels like it. I have agreed to this because my DS simply loves his dad and cries so much when he leaves it breaks my heart. I know he cannot possibly understand why his dad doesn't stay at home with him, so I figure I would could deal with the hurt of being around my WH for his sake.

I WAS doing a pretty dark plan B for about a month straight. No voice or visual contact at all, but we exchanged occasional emails.

During that time, I emailed my WH to tell him I was offered and accepted a job from my previous employer (which btw is the same corporation that my WH and OW work, though they are both in a building off site). They both occasionally come to the floor where I will be working and my boss even told me the OW was in her office a few weeks ago for a meeting. Should be interesting if we "bump" into each other huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

In that same email (which was sent a few days before Christmas) I also stated that I was probably going to file for divorce since I now had a job and he was still seeing the OW with no intentions of coming home.

He basically freaked out and said we should "talk" about everything. So I broke my Plan B thinking he was going to talk reconciliation...but nope, he just came over and gave the same old "what if it didn't work?" "I want to be with someone else" blah blah blah.

I was actually so glad to see him at this point (amazingly withdraws, even from a WH, are very difficult!), I let him spend the night on Christmas Eve and we spent Christmas morning as a family (as much as that is possible in light of what's happened.)

Of course after that, he withdrew again and was spending time with his OW. I know Mere Mortal will give me a 2X4 for this for sure since she was so correct about that in her holiday thread. I totally deserve it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Anyway.

Later that week he told me the thought he loved the OW (puke) and wanted to be with her (barf). So I responded with the divorce talk (again) cause I am tired at this point of everything and just want it to be done.

Even up to this point, he keeps telling me he's not sure about divorce. He says that it's a big decision, and that he doesn't want someone else raising his kids. He gives me compliments occasionally and says he doesn't "hate" me, I'm a "nice" person and he finds me attractive. But still he doesn't see how either option (divorce or coming home) would "work".

But at this point, he's even convinced me that it won't work! So I really feel mostly done and have an appointment with my attorney this week to get the divorce proceedings started.

On top of all this, he admitted he had unprotected SF with the OW who has an extremely disturbing sexual history and her XBF's is even WORSE! So I feel just sick about everything and can't see how it would be good to reconcile either.

Despite all the STD testing that could be done, there are diseases like HPV which are highly prolific among promiscuous people and have no symptoms. This STD cannot even be tested for in men and I would need to get vaccinated if we were to be together. Even still, there are no guarantees that I wouldn't get a strain that causes cancer since the vaccine only protects against the 4 most common strains. There are at least a hundred strains so far that have been discovered.

I do continue to pray for his salvation and hope that God will change him, but I don't think I'm likely to see this change anytime soon.

I know this thread doesn't seem very encouraging, but I do want to let the BW's know that I do have a peace now about my life and I no longer feel that I cannot live without my WH.

I know God will take care of me and my children no matter what. I also feel good about myself and where my life is headed. Furthermore, I have a hope for my future and for my children's as well.

God is good and, overall, life is too.

P.S. Mere Mortal, thanks so much for your encouragement and kind words, they really do mean a lot to me and you have helped me so much.

Do you want advice?

Surely!

My opinion/advice starts here:




You are convinced by a WH's so-called logic?

Methinks not!

Your [color:"red"] love bank [/color] is almost empty.

Do you know what that means as far as which part of "MB plan" you need?

1. STOP talking to WH about your feelings/plans/hopes/dreams/disappointment/worries/joys

just be polite

if you must talk with WH
keep your responses brief
without sarcasm
without hinting of whatever your feelings might be

BUSINESS-LIKE at all times
share nothing of yourself

(more to come)

2, Do not permit WH to "dump" any of his A crap onto you.

No longer be receptive to listening to his feelings/plans/hopes/dreams/disappointment/worries/joys that are A-related

Raise your hand in front of your face and say

"I am no longer going to listen to anything related to your adultery. Stop now."

When he speaks of non-adultery issues/topics - listen politely

3. When it comes to what you are about to do - leave ALL of it to WH's imagination

reveal nothing of future plans

for instance
do NOT advise WH you may file for D
do NOT advise WH you are changing the locks
do NOT advise WH you have hired an attorney
do NOT advise WH you are investigating what child support will be

make your plans (whatever they might be) without letting WH know

WH does NOT live with you
he forfeited the right to be "in the know"

Yes, it means I should be in an ultra dark Plan B.

Actually, I should have done it a long time ago. However, I refused to believe that I would lose any feelings for him at all.

Jokes on me I guess, because I have.

My main issues at this point are:

1.) My WH is VERY mercurial in his moods and emotion driven. I often wonder if he doesn't have a mild form of bipolar called Cyclothymic disorder since he's been moody to any and everyone since I met him at age 16. His father seems to display classic symptoms of bipolar as well. I almost didn't marry my WH because of his moods, but I loved him so much I thought we could work through it.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Also, I really don't believe he is the type who would follow MB principles. I have discussed with him on quite a few occasions about what would be required to salvage our relationship and make it better. He seems to agree that he isn't capable of putting in the effort needed to make it work.

His prior history with me convinces me that he isn't.

2.) His unprotected SF with his skanky OW is a HUGE issue for me. I am nursing my DD and cannot even be vaccinated until she is older. Then, 6 months needs to pass before I am even immune and this does not guarantee I won't be exposed to other cancerous strains.

Condoms don't even protect people from this virus either so there would be no SF between us for at least a year from now. I'm sure he wouldn't go for that even if we both chose to reconcile.

I do realize that I would be in the same situation even if I remarry someone else who has an unknown case of HPV, but still...my WH's betrayal on top of this makes my skin almost literally crawl.

3.)I am a Christian and my WH continues to insist he is not. He has had problems with my faith in the past and continues to up til now. He did ask me if I would consider reconciling with him even if he was not a Christian and I said I would. But he still seems to be reluctant to be with me because of that. I assume this was another reason why his blatantly anti-Christian OW appealed to him so much.

So overall, it seems like a lost cause to me though I am still very sad about the whole thing. I don't want my children to have a broken home, yet I don't see how it could be avoided now.

These are some pretty big factors against our marriage. I am completely against divorce in most cases, but I am having trouble seeing how these things can be overcome.

I am still willing to hear opinions though, which is why I continue to post. So I really do appreciate your input.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I know it is even harder with a two little ones at home. I have no advice to offer just for you to know that i have been lurking on your thread since your DD is about the same age as mine and my heart goes out to you.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers and hope the big man upstairs sheds some light on all of us as to the right path.

Thanks for the prayers Bella and I will be sure to add you to my list as well.

This is very hard to deal with on top of having such small children! And I'm sorry you are in the same boat along with me. I know there are several more on here unfortunately who are going through it with us as well.

God always comes through for us, though. Even when our WHs do not.

Well it's funny i went to Catholic School for 13 yrs... yes including college...i am not much of a church goer but i do say my prayers before meals and at bed time.... and lately i have been saying at least one rosary a day. But you are right there are reasons that this is happening even if we can't see nor understand it at this moment.

God works in misterious ways is so true to form.

BTW i like your quote at the end of your sig makes me smile.