Post deleted by Lily100

Did you tell your husband the truth about the affair? Because until he knows the truth, you can't "work on" anything. The solution to adultery is honesty, not more lies.

You cannot blame your friend for your embarrassment. All of your embarrassment and humiliation comes from your OWN BEHAVIOR, by having a workplace affair. You should be embarrassed and humiliated and this was a consequence of having an affair.

It was wrong to have an affair and it was wrong to put your company in such a precarious position. But you knew that when you decided to have an affair. They had a right to know. This is a job hazard of workplace affairs and you were very willing to take that risk. So was the OM.

You are blaming the WRONG PERSON by blaming your friend. You need to be a big girl and take the blame for what you did. Your friend didn't have a sleazy workplace affair, YOU DID. Take accountability for your own actions like a BIG GIRL. It is very immature to blameshift your actions.

The one to whom you owe restitution is your husband. Starting with the TRUTH. He has a right to know that you have had an affair since this is information about his life that is being wrongly and cruelly withheld from him. He needs to know so he can protect himself from you.

Tell your husband, he is the victim here, not the OM. The OM got what he deserved. Your H does not deserve to be lied to and cheated on.


"Good" men don't screw other men's wives. "Good" men don't jeopardize their career, family's livelihood and well being for for a cheap, easy lay at work.

WOW. This is quite an amazing statement, Lily, and I am saving it for our FogHorn Hall of Fame. You, a married woman, have a workplace affair with a married man, jeopardizing 2 marriages and 2 careers and you say this about your friend? OHMYGOD.

You should get an award for that fogged out statement.

Do you think that a rational person might be appalled that you did "something so devastating without really thinking about what the effects could be?"

Did you ever think what the effects of a workplace affair with a married would be? Do you think it might be devastating to your husband? To the OM's wife? To his children? To your employer when they are left vulnerable for a sexual harrasment action? Did you consider how devastating it would be to your own reputation?

Who should be rightfully "devastated" by the effects here, Lily? The ones who CHOSE the crime, or the victims who had no say in your choice to have an affair?

What is a partial PA?

I was once a FWH. I got caught because my OW bragged to her friend about the affair and her "friend" told OW husband.
You would think that I would have hated this "friend" for busting us, but actually I look up to that "friend" for doing what was right. I admire her.
I don't know the motive for your "friend" to expose you.
It just reminded me of my situation a little.

Who cares what he is thinking. He's probably thinking that he got what he wanted....sex! You owe him nothing. You owe your H everything. You need to focus your attention on what really matters.

Did you tell your husband the truth about the affair? Because until he knows the truth, you can't "work on" anything. The solution to adultery is honesty, not more lies.
Well, that's a pretty fair Q Lilly, could you answer that?

You seem to be all worried about OM,. which would seem to indicate, you don't care about the harm you have created to your own H and M. What's up with that? You don't seem to be godly sorrowful for the harm you wreaked in your own M.

You sound to me me like you are still wayward,

All Blessings,
Jerry

Partial A meaning no s3x.

Thank you. H had own small A a few yrs. ago and online affairs for over a year and a half. My thing started shortly after his were discovered. I am not really sure why I did it, but I was hurt and angry.???

Have you told him the truth?

H knows all. I learned of his past A and online A before anything happened with me. Part of me thinks I did it out of anger. I'm not sure. But I knew it was wrong and that is why I did not let it go to the extent and I stopped it. I was so hurt I think I blocked off all my feelings so not to feel any pain, unfortunately, it affected me in a worse way. I know that now. Am in MC. (3rd time in marriage) I initiated the first two times which H thought was pointless, but I could foresee problems ahead. He never really took anything seriously then. H will be joining soon. First 2 times (years ago) were for husbands problems. He's pretty much burned out by the MC thing, but I think now that this happened he sees the importance of fixing the problems so something like this does not happen again. We both are willing to try and make it work, just trying to figure out the best way. I'n not still wayward, just miss the EN that were being met. But I know I have to take a different route now to find those. thank you.

Then how could it have been "physical," as you said for the OM? "The incidents were more emotional on my side and physical on his."

Things that lead to it. Men have their own way/thinking.

Yep. he knows all. it was a very hurtful month at the time, but I answered any questions he had and he also answered the questions I had about him. We both have forgivien each other and he feels closer to me now, but I am trying to find my feelings for him again.

Rocksolid, were you married when you did it?

Have you ever found MC to be helpful? Did you know that marriage counseling has the greatest record of failure in the counseling specialities? Only 17% of clients claim any improvement.

I was married for 5 years when I had my PA. It was the summer of 1994.

I guess we never went to MC long enough to really work on anything. In the past, it was only a few times, so I guess i don't have any real knowledge of how well MC works. Thank you for the insight though. That's good to know. Right now singly i don't feel like I've learned too much that I don't already know.

Lily100,
Interesting that you chose to post same thing here when you had posted previously on "In Recovery". Here's my response from the previous post as it still appears that you need to wake up and stop coming up with excuses for maintaining interest and desire for OM. For goodness sake, put closure on it by getting on with your life, enjoying your time with your husband and devoting youself to him. It speaks volumes that you are so consumed by your feelings and friendship with OM. You will never be able to focus fully on your husband and your marriage with OM in the shadows. Maintain NC. Understand that this is the only way to help your marriage. And move on. What's done is done. Sounds like the exposure was a blessing in disguise. What you are feeling is your withdrawal from the addiction that the A and OM were. Stop thinking about OM. You don't need the perspective from a FWH, you need a wake up call. True healing and recovery from your A will only come with commitment to your marriage. For goodness sake, stop coming up with excuses and grow a conscience. Your H's A did not make you have an EA or partial affair, whatever that may be. You chose to do that yourself. Let the OM go and stop blaming your friend and everyone else for the choices that you made.

SS