Gee that's a major red flag. Kinda makes one wonder what else he's hiding?


Of course she does - because that will get you off her case for a bit... so she'll tell you what you want to hear to diffuse the situation, then carry on however she wants to. Typical.


DISRESPECTFUL??????? Hello??? Do ya think that having an affair is disrespectful to YOU, her HUSBAND?!

Sorry - I'm not yelling at you - I'm yelling at her. I know we shouldn't LB or DJ but that statement would have lit a fuse in me. Of course that sort of thing comes right from the WS Handbook... argh!


IMO this is an opportunity that shouldn't even be bothered with because I've never read of any WS volunteering to break it off and sticking with it. NC letter is the only way to go.


Like I said - that's just kind of a creepy red flag - more so than 'normal'. He must have something else to hide or he wouldn't be that secretive.

And your WW is willing to throw away her M for a man whose address she doesn't even know?


My guess is this OM has been busted before and he's learned to cover his tracks better. Wanna bet the cell phone is one of those disposable ones? His W probably doesn't even know about it.


If you know his name and where he works, you should be able to find more info on him.

Heck I'd expose the affair at his work. That's a great place to start. Go to the school principal and expose! That will put the kibosh on things PDQ.


That's another line straight out of the WS Handbook.


She's eating cake. She's got you bending over backwards to fill her EN, then she's got the warm fuzzy going on with OM. Of course she's going to keep that going as long as she can - she's got the best of both worlds. You need to expose and extinguish the affair.


Maybe someone more learned than me will chime in here - but telling a WS what they've done or not done such as that could be seen as a LB or DJ - to be avoided. Rather, focus on yourself and use a lot of "I" statements. Until NC is established, I think you're kind of stuck.


If I were you I'd start the exposure post haste. If you don't know his address etc., I would expose at work since you seem to know that much. If it hits the fan at work, chances are he won't be able to hide that from his W.

Insist on NC letter. Search for examples here - there are plenty. You and WW write it together, you send it. If the only address you have is his work, then I guess that will have to do - but if you could find a way to get through to his W that would be even better. I'm sure some of the more experienced vets here will offer more advice on how to find out where he lives and who his W is.

Keep on with Plan A but don't enable any further cake-eating. You have your boundaries - it's time to enforce them.

JinGA

Bluenote, sorry you are going thru this. We all know the pain you're going thru <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.



Do not let WW call or contact OM at all! NC means NC period!!!

From Dr H:

Keep the cell shut off, but I must warn you, if the two AP's are determined, expect that he will buy her a phone of her own, to be used to keep the A going. Be on the lookout for such a thing.

OMW needs to be informed ASAP. This is your very best weapon in ending C and the A. Don't beat around the bush, hire a PI and give him the cell number of OM that you already have. A decent PI should have all the info you need in about 2 hours. Well worth the price when you consider what's at stake.

Hang in there Bluenote, this is the toughest part of Plan A, convincing the waywward to end the A and work on M. Remember, you cannot control your WW's actions, only your own. Stay in plan A as long as you can. Dr H suggests as long as six months for a man, but no longer. Good luck, you will be in my prayers.

All Blessings,
Jerry

bluenote, your next step is to find out where this guy lives and works. Expose him to his wife and if he is a teacher, expose him to the school board. Once you get his address, we will help you in asking your W to send him a no contact letter. She should not call for any reason, not even "no contact."

Here is the link of a really good PI that helped another lady here. I have no idea what he charges, but I know if you gave him that cell phone #, he could get you a name and an address. http://www.frankmusicinvestigations.net/

Another avenue is to send the cell phone # to intellius.com. They charge a small fee to give you the name and adddress IF they can find it. However, it seems they NEVER come up with a #.

Thanks all for weighing in!

My goal is to find and expose to OMW this week!

Get this -- WW admitted to me that OM is 36 and his 2nd W is in her 50's!

I suspect that OMW is more than likely taking more care of OM than OM taking care of her!

I realize that I need to be careful in speaking with a PI because they are not in the business of disclosing a home address of the OM if I request it.

It appears their main goal is to confirm personal contact. I already know the contact is still there! I need specifics on OM (what he looks like, car he drives, etc...)

I need to be creative in expressing my request for assistance from a PI.

I will speak to some PIs in Cali and see if one will help.

Worst case (I still have planned) is to visit the school directly and speak with the principal, school board, and eventually follow OM to simply access his home address directly!

Then make my visit to OMW once OM departs for work.

A couple of questions came to mind.

If WW breaks NC again, would it be time to switch to plan B or simply tighten the BCs even more?

I will also be on the lookout for a NEW cell phone or a phone calling card.

When would it be permissble for WW to obtain a cell phone again -- She will need one (in the very near future) just in case the kids need to contact her while they are on their way home from school.

Geographically speaking, my WW is closer to the kids than I am during the work days.

Bluenote,

If he is a licensed teacher in the US, every state has a licensing board.

That licensing board is required under the laws of each state to maintain open public records of the board of every teacher's name, address, and licensing certification.

Those are OPEN public records.

You can easily obtain this information online in most cases, by looking up that teacher's certification information on the state department of education website under either "teacher certification" or "teacher license" information areas.

You will enter the teacher's name in a search area, and the information will come up for all teachers with that name. The rest should be easy for you.

Take a look. I was able to find licensing information for any given teacher in Texas that I know.

California should be no different. Licensing and certification records are public, and I know my records are on the web (although I am not a teacher, other professionals are also listed through their boards in the same way - doctors, nurses, attorneys, etc.).

SB

I understand that you are trying to find OMW so you can expose to her. But on the other hand, who else have you exposed to? Her family and friends? People need to know about her behavior so you aren't the only one who can hold her accountable to it. Don't shelter her from the consequences. Cut off her phone and expose to everyone in a position to put pressure on her to end her affair. Eliminate any loophole that would allow contact.

Jim,

I have already exposed to her family and her close friends back in June. OMW is the last main influence I need to hit from OM side. I believe that OM parents are deceased or out of picture since he grew up in foster system.

Bluenote,

Did you try looking up his teacher's certificate online?

I did -- his name came up but no certification documents or personal information was listed under his name.

Although I am focusing on exposing OM side, I still come back to the fact that my WW could stop IF she wanted to, but she wants it to 'gradually' end.

Is it worthwhile to have a discussion with her to see what specific actions she plans to take to 'improve our M" as she says she wants to do?

I feel like I am doing ALL of the work while she sits and does nothing!

Blue,

Many school districts publish district telephone books with the teacher's names and addresses in them. Look for that.

Also, school districts often have their own websites with this information available on them - check that out as well. You might try the specific school website, as this might have it available through links that connect right to the site for the specific teacher. Often, schools will have teachers set up a personal teacher webpage so that their students can contact them in the evenings for homework questions, etc. Check it out and see what type of pages are on his school site. Worth a try. I know that the one district I work with requires every teacher to post a contact number for parents to call for them.

You could also use the Google site and simply type in the phone number you have, which will bring up information about the person and number right on Google search. If you find any phone number on him, type it into Google and see what you get. You might be pleasantly surprised, and this is free.

There are also website services that for a small fee (about 40 bucks) that will give you a billing address for cell phones.



As far as you doing all the work and she does nothing, I wonder if she remains in contact with him? They may have just gone further underground. Keep an eye on her computer use. You might want to install a keylogger on your computer.

Just checked WW's email and she had a meeting set up with OM tonight at 1030pm.

I lost it! I basically told her to pack her bags!

Of course she is upset that I was checking her e-mail (I said its because I do not trust her).

She told me the meeting was to relay NC to him!

I asked WW why did she not inform me in advance of the set meeting!

She said she was going to tell me when she broke it off tonight! (yeah right!)

I told her we were going to call him together and she refused. I responded to OM's email under WW's acct and said "no meeting tonight or ever - its over"!

I them told WW that I better not ever find any contact between her and OM ever again or we are done! She said she would not!

Exposure to OMW is coming next week!

WW is going to a church debate tonight at 6:00pm -- I was going --then after the doscovery I said I would not go.

Think I shoould go to keep an eye on the sitch after the debate is over? After all WW could call OM form a pay phone -- OR -- just leave it alone?

I figured they were still in contact. Continue to monitor, as she will become more sneaky in order to "have contact in order to tell him there will be no contact". The WS often uses this as an excuse to contact the OM, and they continue the affair from there, with planning ways to take the affair further underground.

Watch for cell phones that she may buy that you don't know about. Monitor your credit cards, checking accounts, and for sure - install the keylogger on your computer. Look on this site for a thread titled "Spying 101", it has information on that. You might also want to hide a voice-activated tape recorder into rooms where she might try to use the telephone at home in private while you are away, and also hide a GPS in her car.

That may be the only way to continue to monitor her and be sure that NC is in place. Of course, don't tell her you are doing this. Pay cash for the items, because you do not want to leave a paper trail on your purchases.

You might need to follow her to events that she says she is going to without you. Borrow someone else's car to do this, so she is not watching for your car.

I know this spying stuff seems crazy, but she will continue to try to gaslight you and tell you that she is in NC while she lies to you. It is not until NC is really in place that you two can begin the long road to recovery.

And to think, she is off to church.....did you bring that to her attention?????

church

church

church

I would tell her that while she is there, she might want to talk to God about what she is doing, and ask HIM what he thinks about the rightness of what she is doing. To consider what has happened, and to repent for her sins.

And then, you need to expose this affair to the pastor at the church, and get some counseling there. She will be angry at the exposure, but it is necessary to break up the affair. Affairs do not survive well in the light. If she is a church-going woman, and a believer, then she knows she is a sinner and is doing wrong. She knows she needs to stop, and fix this problem.

And never contact OM again.

I am going to suggest to my WW to post out here today to have other FWSs (hopefully FWWs) to help her understand and get a grasp on her feelings and to help guide her through this critical NC period that starts ALL OVER today!

My WW and I are going to do the EN questionnaires again to see where we stand. Not sure this is even good for her at this point given she will be going through the withdrawal period all over again.

I plan to monitor BCs to ensure WW does not go underground. I did tell her that if NC is broken again (4th time) we are done as I cannot take this deception any longer!

What kind of steps should I embark upon right now to start some type of recovery?

I'm not sure it's a good idea to have your WW read and post, yet.

IMO and based on my experience she may think the advice she gets is brutal. It won't be, it will be her perception due to her state of mind. She may feel picked on only because she isn't going to want to hear the real deal. She's still too much in the fog and in fantasyland. I'm thinking back to how I was when I was in withdrawl I don't believe sound,sane advice would have made sense.

I would suggest printing out specific things for her. This place IMO, would be very overwhelming this close to the end of the A. Someone posted a letter about WS withdrawal. I'll search that out in a bit and post the link.

Get Dr Harley's Surviving An Affair and After the Affair by Janis Spring.

I agree it's creepy he wouldn't disclose his address to her.

Just my 2 cents for whatever it's worth.

LC

I found it. Here is the link.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

The title is: A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives (WW)
By Dorry

Print this out for your WW to read.

LC

Here's an idea if you have OM's cell Number. Change the last digit of the number both directions by 1 digit and ask ever who answers if this is Mrs OM. We have had 2 sets of phones from 2 different compainies and both times our numbers were only off by 1 digit.My number 555-1212, his 555-1213. My sister's is like this, as well as many of the in-laws. The worst that is going to happen is "sorry wrong number"