Just curious,

How do you know when you are ready to enter the recovery stage -- Do the following qualify:

-- WS has been in NC for 1 wk (3rd NC)
(OM contacted WS via phone, but WS expressed desire to concentrate on the M)

-- WS expressed remorse to BS
-- WS asking BS for forgiveness
-- WS expressed willingness to be transparent

Also, has anyone successfully completed the recovery stage using the MB principles and resources and without the use of ICs or MCs?

While going through the recovery stage, what 'land mines' or obstacles should I be aware of?

Bluenote, my H and I went to 2-3 counseling sessions and the C introduced us to Marriage Builders, gave us the questionaires and sent us on our way. That is how I ended up on this forum. I don't believe that one has to go a counselor to implement MB principles, only use the guidelines on this website. Marriage counseling is the least effective of all counseling specialities anyway. [17% of clients claim any effectiveness]

If I were in your shoes, I would start by affair proofing your marriage: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html

I would suggest going to a MB weekend. These are extremely effective and you will have constant followup with Dr. Harley. You will have access to him afterwards and he will make sure you understand his program.

If you can't do that, I would suggest his home study program: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi9000_courses.html

Those are the most practical and effective ways to recover your marriage, but you do not have to do that if you don't want to spend the money. You can read his books: Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her Needs and Fall in Love, Stay in Love. Add to that his DVD that he sells for $10 and get the questionaires free from this website.

Here is a good thread that can help you know what to expect: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2686313

ML -


Thanks for the information! I definitely plan to implement the MB principles.

I do have the books SAA, HNHN, (on order) Fall in Love Stay in Love, LBs.

I want to attend an MB weekend! I may have to wait to attend next year.

ML -- did you and your H read the resources together and then discuss them -- OR -- read them separately and APPLIED them!

Bluenote, every couple is different in how they learn Marriage Builders so that will depend on you. I doubt that your wife will be receptive to learning anything about recovery right now, though. That might take a few weeks.

My H and I read them seperately and applied the principles, but we did go to a MB weekend together. My husband's opinion of Marriage Builders changed dramatically once he met Dr. and Mrs. Harley and other couples from this board.

ML-

My W may not be interested in recovery right now given she is still trying to get over OM.

Should I just plan A untile SHE decides she is ready for recovery or at an appointed time later, discuss whether she would like to participate in (an MB) recovery program?

Bluenote, you will have to figure that out based on her mood, but you could start talking to her about it now and leave some of the books laying around. For example, many waywards will pick up SAA if left around.

But yes, in the meantime, just stay in Plan A until she gets through withdrawal. It will be a tough time, Bluenote. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm pretty ticked right now, putting it mildly!

Just reviewed the cdurrent cell phone bill and found out that WW and OM has been in phone contact even while we were on a family vacation this past week.

I just called WW and told her to come home from whatever 'shopping' she is doing so we can discuss this and see where we go from here!

Plan A? Plan B? Get out?

It seems like my WW needs to hit rock bottom to come to her senses!

I will take a couple of days off from work next week to make it my goal to expose to OMW.

Why would you wait to expose to OMW?? Proceed ahead and do it ASAP unannounced.

Once OMW is aware of A it will soon whither.

Then you can initiate Plan A to help rebuild your M.

I have had a hard time finding OMW! Trust me, I've tried to find OMW up to this point but have had a difficult time doing so!

I WILL FIND OMW next week -- I need to to help kill this A!

So would you advise against putting WW out of house for now and opt for the following:

Change cell number (With kids 10,11 I was reluctant to get rid of it altogether just in case kids need to contact WW).

I work an hour away from home while WW is much closer to home!

Given I have been doing a GOOD Plan A for 2 months now, I really feel that WW thinks she could do as she pleases and just let the A continue w/o any consequences.

I think she needs to leave the house until she decides if she wants to continue this M.

I am prepared for this, I just cannot function with her under this roof as if she is even TRYING to work on this M.

I am the single caretaker of ALL finances in this house -- even the cell she is using to continue her A!

She needs to go for a while. ******, my Plan A (although good, even by her admission) has done nothing to influence my WW to break it off with OM.

I know you are trying to find OMW, what is it that you can't find that is making it hard to reach her?

LC

BN, don't kick her out. Please calm down.

Get the phone from her and cancel it on Monday. In the meantime, how can you get his home number and call his wife? Who is this guy? Do they work together?

ML -- I did not kick her out!

I just called the cell service and had it cancelled immediately!

WW left the house after I basically laid into her about my displeasure with her continued deception and contact with OM.

WW and OM do not work together!

I cannot find a home address or phone for OM -- I' ve tried some paid services to no avail. I pull up old info on OM.

I do know where OM work so I plan acquire a home address for OM next week so I can pay a visit to expose to OMW. week!

Thanks for checking in on me!

Let me go finish my glass of wine and chill!

I can't even sleep right now -- WW is probably in the bed lying there thinking of our discussion for the last hour.

I told her I cannot take anymore false NCs! She needs to break all contact immediately!

She is afraid of letting go of what feelings she has for OM for fear of them 'dying' and perhaps not being resurrected in our M.

Should I let WW contact OM to break it off or simply keep the cell phone turned off? My rationale was that she needs to tell OM that contact cannot continue as opposed to me cutting their primary communication (cell phone) sending the message to OM that WW was forced to break contact not of her own will.

Do you have a first and last name on this guy? If so, did you try www.zabasearch.com ? I know people who are unlisted and still come up on this site. Try only putting the last name in when you search and maybe her name will come up.

Here is another free site that can search out property records.
http://publicrecords.netronline.com/
Click on your state. It lists by counties, hopefully you have a general idea where he lives and can narrow down to the county he's in. Some of them list data by address, but some you can search by name. Hopefully his list by name. Hope one of these are helpful.

LC

LC,

Thanks for the tip -- I will give it a try now!

No you do not let her do this.

I've seen people post links to NC letters that you and your WW will send to him together. It is a letter you write together, you approve and you mail it. Once the pros check in today hopefully someone will guide you in the right direction to samples of these letters. I know I have seen them posted, I just don't have time to search them out this morning.

Good luck. I need to run.

My WW does not have a home address for OM and says that OM would not provide it to her even if she asked (most likely because OM does not want his W to discover the A).

My WW says that she will break it off with OM -- (Sounds like a broken record by now).

At one time, I tried to get WW to call OM (with me on line as well) to tell him its over. WW declined to do this as she felt it was 'disrespectful' to OM.

I have no confidence in her doing it alone - she was afforded this opportunity.

OM is very private about his home life and home info.

My WW only has a cell phone number for OM - that's it!

(OM and I have never met -- I've never seen him or him me) I feel my best way to find info is to find out what he looks like at the school he teaches, then follow him home. record his address, then make a personal visit one morning when he goes to work.

WW says she felt a sense of entitlement in having the A.

WW and I both state we want to work on the M, but I believe that WW (in her heart) does not want to give up the A although she could not answer what EN OM is meeting that I could not meet.

I also told WW that she has done nothing to work on the M before now - (no full tranparency, no making me feel safe in terms of accountability). Meanwhile, I have definitely met her ENs and continue to try to be an 'attractive' person as I continue in Plan A (2 months running)!

Where do I go from here:

1) Expose to OMW
2) Continue plan A?
3) .......
4) .......

Need some MB pros to weigh in on road ahead given the false NC on at least three occasions including this one.

I've basically been up all night -- its now 5:30 am and I need to get at least a 3-4 hrs rest!