Had a slight set back yesterday!

(the good) - I did complement WW for taking care of domestic issues (cleaning, cooking) at home yesterday. I told her I nboticed her hard work and I appreciated it. I proceeded to ask her what I could do for her. She mentioned a chore that I quickly took care of.

The bad) -- Later in the evening, while conversing with her, she mentioned that a man was following behind her into a store and she 'could feel the older man following her.' When she stopped at a particular location in the store the man stooped behind her and said that he was supposedly going to a different location but 'followed the legs.' She laughed it off she says.

I truly sense my WW enjoys these type of compliments from other men. She mentions these type of encounters frequently. What does she thinks that I will gain from hearing this.

For me, I acknowledge that my WW is gret looking but I do not need to hear tell me of other men always complimenting her (particularly) as is does not make me feel particularly 'safe' while my WW enjoys the compliments of other men.

My WW 'abruptly' told me that she would never mention these type of comments to me again -- she would keep them to herself.

(the ugly)An argument proceeded as I was trying to explain that I was not putting her down by saying that I did not want to hear these type of compliments, its just that I am a little vulnerable given where we are after her A.

WW had last contact with OM last Fri. We are trying to work on recovery, but I also told WW she needs to help me through this and make me feel safe.

I personally feel she has not done a good job of this.

I set up a IC with SH tomorrow to get a handle on my actions and plan A (2 months running) so I don't self destruct our supposed recovery.

I welcome other points of view to help me gain some perspective on this.

I DEFINNITELY HAVE TO KEEP IN MIND THAT I SHOULD NOT EXPECT ANYTHING IN RETURN RIGHT NOW. Maybe this is where my disconnect is. I expect my WW to help in the recovery process, but truly I have not even seen a withdrawal period from her.

Blue,

The reason she is telling you about the hits from other men is likely her need for YOU to tell her she is beautiful. It's my guess she has a high need for reinforcement and compliments about her looks - so use that in your arsenal in Plan A.

Make it a point to comment casually about her outfit - ask her if what she is wearing is new, if she says "no", tell her it looks so great on her you thought it was new....compliment her on her looks when you see her looking nice. Comment on how she smells when she comes out of the shower. Comment on her hair when she gets done styling it. Make it a point to let her know that you notice how beautiful she looks, because she obviously needs to know that YOU KNOW.

SB

How is this going, Bluenote?

ML - I spoke to a couple of PI's this past Wed.

PI's seem to have an issue spying directly on OM for me. Appears they may be afraid that I will do some harm to him.
No such thing - my kids keep me grounded.

They prefer to catch WW and OM together which would give me info on OM (looks and car). I just assume drive up to his employment get a look at him, wait until end of school, then follow home to obtain address.

My pockets are not lined with $$$$ right now as I have spent some on 4 ICs/MCs with SH as well as some on keylogger tools.

I have a bud who is willing to help me identify OM at work and then follow to obtain home address. Then, I can deliver 'package' to OMW on the A.

I still have issues putting my feelings in check particularly when WW is out 'shopping' alone at night.
I don't think my WW fully understands (although I've mentioned it) that I need her help to 'feel safe' with her again!

I tell her I feel like I have a 'box of rocks' in my stomach when she is out alone and I am home with the kids.

For instance, I ask myself is she using a pay phone to contact OM? I have not seen any calling cards or second cell phons in WW's possession.

I have not seen any evidence of the A on her new cell phone I acquired with new number (bill in my name only). Also it appears that she is reading SAA on her own at night before coming to bed. Meanwhile, I am reading HNHN.

I do openly and honestly let WW know when actions she performs triggers thoughts of the A for me.

I cuddled with her in bed (try to do this regularly depending on her mood) at night and just talk for a few minutes before going to sleep. This seems to work OK at times.

In a couple of cases this led to SF (once good, last night not so good). WW says she is doing all of the work during SF (I am probably thinking too much of not creating an unpleasant experience for her).

I will leave SF alone for a while and focus on the cuddling and intimacy building.

Exposure to OMW remains my goal! I am confident this will occur.

Anyway, this is my latest chapter in my 'hopeful recovery' stage.

-------------
BS -(me) 45
WS - 42
Married - 14 yrs
D-Day 5-28-2007 (PA - kissing only)
DS-22
DS-11
DD-10
DD-5
Experienced 3 False NCs since D-Day
Plan A 6-1-2007

My WW comes in from work to a clean house - kids fed. Clother folded and put away. All she has to do is come home from work and relax.

She wants to continue her Sunday afternoon 'bible study' routine 45 min away from home. She never asks, she basically SAYS 'this is what she is going to do.!

I strongly suggested she stays home since it will give us time together as well as time to focus on the kids before the first day of school this Mon.

After all, this bible study seems more like a social hour. This also in the afternoon AFTER we attend church together -- usually from 3-6pm or later.

This could also give her time to perhapos hit a payphone and contact OM if she really wanted to do so!

WW says 'she does not want to stay at home and stare at the four walls -- after all, I have not come up with something to do yet!'

Really that last statement of hers is just an excuse.

We should be trying to spend 15 hrs a week together -- heck, we can barely spend and hour a day together.

It just seems she is just falling back into her routine of wanting to do things when she wants to ans usually could care less if I go along.

I said I will not go through another 14 yrs of this old routine. We need to change our routine to improve our M.

It's like she does not care about anything but herself and her own enjoyment.

I am the one making the positive changes and suggestions for improving our M -- she is doing absolutely nothing!

How frustrating! I am really tired of this!

Why is it that you haven't come up with anything to do?

Believer,

In fact, I do have something for us to do - go shopping together, or perhaps spend some time at the park while the kids play.

There has not been a time certainly in the last 3 months that I have not found things for us to do.

Anyway, I simply wanted WW to know that we cannot live like we did pre-A. Doing our own things separately.

We will get there -- I guess I need to be more patient and not talk about our R for now.

Hi Bluenote,

I just finished reading through your thread.

So have you been successful in exposing to the OM's W yet?

You seem to be doing very well considering the circumstances... but I noticed one thing throughout your entire thread...

You seem to be doing Plan-A in with the EXPECTATION of it changing your W. I commend you for sticking with a good Plan-A and I'm not being critical of you at all... It's just that I learned from my own rebuilding experiences with Mrs. RIF, that as long as you do Plan-A or any good deeds for your W with the EXPECTATION of something in return, that your W isn't going to respond.

Do Plan-A because it's the right thing to do, NOT because you want to change her... it's a very subtle difference, but a difference that our W's can detect.

Keep up the great plan-A and try to do it without ANY expectations. Yes, it is VERY frustrating, and yes, it will seem like YOU are shouldering most of the load (... because for now, you ARE shouldering most of the load).

As you continue to do this, eventually your W will start to come around... but for now, you have to be the one to show your W that you are willing to sacrifice for the M...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Bluenote, here is the link of a PI who will give you the info on the OMW from the OM's cell phone #. Tell him you are a forum member of MB. Ask for Frank. He is really good. http://www.frankmusicinvestigations.net/

In the meantime, you are wasting your time worrying about her participation in marriage recovery plans. As you can see, she is having an AFFAIR. And is very FLAGRANT about it. "bible study" indeed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> You have to kill the affair before you can even think about recovery.

If I were you, I would follow her to her next "bible study" and have a come to Jesus with the OM.

ML - I am on a business trip this week, but you better believe there will be a 'come to Jesus' meeting with OMW after I return. By then I should have the 'resource' I need after contacting Frank.

RIF -- You are absolutely right on! I am conflicted emotionally because I am (erroneously) expecting WW to change based on my plan A. I just feel used right now!

What I am battling as well is trying to hold WW to boundary conditions. She still has a boot password on her laptop, so I assume that contact with OM is still going on in some fashion.

I will simply tell her tonight that if she is serious about R, then she would be fully transparent. This is the best I can do until exposure to OMW occurs.

I can just scream right now!

The encouragement of the MB vets and those who have 'recovered' passed the stage I am in is a big help to me!

I discovered thru OM e-mail tonight that he and WW saw each other last Thur while I was away on business. WW was caught in this lie. OM also said in same e-mail that he wants to see WW after work tomorrow night.

This is the 4th false NC and I have been in plan A for 3 months this week. I have 3 young children to look after (DS11, DD10, DD5).

I am tired of being stepped on and no boundaries adhered to. I told WW she has to leave this house tomorrow until she decides what she wants.

OM is married – no success in finding OMW. I plan to expose OM to his employer tomorrow.

OM and WW does not work together.

Putting WW out temporarily will hurt financially since I pay every single bill in the house.
We also have no joint accounts.

WW told me that I cannot put her out. She also said I was driving her away with my snooping!
Her biggest issue with me at this point is my snooping on her computer – the one that she maintains her password and her secret e-mail account to OM.

I realize I may be violating MB principles by telling her to leave – I just cannot stand to have her continue her A under my nose and expect me to blindly let it go!

I am feeling pretty low tonight. I am also sad for WW.

Somebody help me – God, this hurts!
----------------------------------------

BS 44 (Me)
WW - 42
M- 13 yrs
DS-22
DS-11
DD-10
DD-5
PA (alleged kissing only) - since Mar 2 07
D-Day - Mar 28 07
4 false NCs - June 07 (2) , Jul 07 (1) Aug 07 (1)
Plan A since 29 Mar

Bluenote,

IT's called plan B, read about it here. You go to plan B with some precision. Having her leave is part of it, but you also need to write here a letter explaining why you are doing it and under what conditions she can come back. NC with OM, demonstrable by HER is one major requirement. You may need to see a lawyer about putting her out and her rights in case of divorce. If your state has legal separation you might consider this as well.

You need to realize that plan A often does not end contact. It realistically plants seed that can germinate when the affair ends. Plan B is to preserve your love as her constant actions are draining your love bank big time.

Plan B may not work either but often it does. It is more effective if you have done a good plan A. From reading it seems you have.

Read up, contact a lawyer, and proceed.

God Bless,

JL

Blue,

I 2nd JL's post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Telling her to leave for the sake of your family is the right thing t/d.

A WS is no friend of your family.

L.

Would it be considered vindictive for me to cut off her cell phone?

Also I have 2 vehicles one in good condition and one in not so good condition. I would consider giving her the one in not so good condition since I would be primarily concerned with taking care of the kids.

Is this being vindictive?

Bluenote, you should cut off the cell phone and take her name off any joint assets so she can't plunder your assets. I would also suggest getting a legal seperation so you are protected legally.

Did you try to get the OMW name from that PI I told you about?

Blue:

I'll start here:


"Had a slight set back yesterday!

(the good) - I did complement WW for taking care of domestic issues (cleaning, cooking) at home yesterday. I told her I nboticed her hard work and I appreciated it. I proceeded to ask her what I could do for her. She mentioned a chore that I quickly took care of.

The bad) -- Later in the evening, while conversing with her, she mentioned that a man was following behind her into a store and she 'could feel the older man following her.' When she stopped at a particular location in the store the man stooped behind her and said that he was supposedly going to a different location but 'followed the legs.' She laughed it off she says.

I truly sense my WW enjoys these type of compliments from other men. She mentions these type of encounters frequently. What does she thinks that I will gain from hearing this.

For me, I acknowledge that my WW is gret looking but I do not need to hear tell me of other men always complimenting her (particularly) as is does not make me feel particularly 'safe' while my WW enjoys the compliments of other men.

My WW 'abruptly' told me that she would never mention these type of comments to me again -- she would keep them to herself."


I hope your Plan A has been going better than this. Because if it hasn't, your Plan B is going to BLOW.

The BAD: YOu WW is Good looking, other men compliment her and she tells you about it and you tell her not to be honest with you anymore. Bad, Bad.

My response to that: "Yeah, baby, your so good looking, and I get you all to myself..."

You have got to change the enviornment if your are going to save this thing.

There is somebody shooting at your family from the forest and you have done very little to go after the sniper.

Your WW WILL stay in contact until you make it too difficult for her to remain in contact. And offer her a better alternative to the no responsiblity OM.

Shut off her cell phone.
Check the numbers and cross reference to his home address.
Visit him at his place of employment.
DO YOUR BEST PLAN A right now.

LG

Bluenote,

F*cking hire a PI already and expose to OMW. Do you want this to stop? Plop down the cash to find her. It's that easy. Take off work, hire a PI today, get her info tomorrow, and expose to her tomorrow! Don't make excuses or put this off any longer. You are going to continue to go through this until you expose to OMW.

Also, expose again to her family and friends. You need to stand up to your WW. Until she has consequences for violating NC, she's going to continue to do so. There is a reason she hasn't left you, and it's not because you've been so soft in allowing her to keep her cell phone to contact OM. You need to keep her under surveillance until she shows signs that she is over OM and working on the marriage.

ML - JMWC95,

I just paid the cash to find address for OMW.

ML -- I used your source.

I told my boss I need to take time off this week to handle my personal business.

JMWC -- with the broken NCs you experienced, did you let WW stay at home and you kept doing plan A or did you ever tell WW to leave the home?

I am also hiring a local PI to gather info on actual meetings between WW and OM (possibly tonight).

Bluenote,

I was in the process of giving my WW my plan B letter when she finally broke down and agreed to NC. In the letter I told her she had one week to find a place to stay, get new health and car insurance, and get a new cell phone and plan until I cut her off.

I caught her breaking NC by buying a prepaid calling card and calling from a payphone. I busted her twice doing that. Each time I ripped up the card, told her sister, and told her that I wasn't going to tolerate that level of disrespect. She finally gave up on that idea and decided she was going to call OM one last time on her cell phone to explain that she wouldn't be talking to him again. I found out the next day. I told her she couldn't call him again. She did again and texted him a few times, supposedly about stuff that she had left with him and wanted back. I found out and told her the next time she contacted OM, her phone was gone, and I replaced all the stuff she said she left with OM. OM tried calling twice about 2 months later, but she didn't answer (but she didn't tell me either). That was the last of the contact. Every time she broke NC, I just clamped down harder. She wasn't going anywhere, and I wasn't afraid of pissing her off anymore.

Props to you for finally finding OMW and going to expose to her. For your sake, I wish you would have just done it sooner.