You need to set some boundaries. There is no way that she needs to ever see or speak to OM again, period.

I was reflecting on the fact that OM has my home phone number and he would most likely use it again to call my WW once OMW gets the 'details'.

So, after this bombshell is dropped -- its either:

1) work on M with newly established boundaries
or
2) file for separation (plan B mode)

You probably already know this but Plan B "mode" isn't filing for separation. IMHO, that gives the WS a green light to continue doing what they are doing.

Plan B is telling them (through action) the M is most important and what they are doing is completely RED light. It's the rap on the knuckles with a ruler. It then gives the WS a taste of life without you (without threatening D).

Personally speaking, I tried and then followed through with the threats. I'm now D'd. I do believe that if I followed MB principals and coaching, I would have saved my M. At the time, I wanted to...but couldn't "hear." Have you decided what you want?

(And, a phone number is easy to change or remove. Just a thought...)

Peace.

Did you GO TELL THE OMW???

So what if he has your #??

Think long and hard about this. I have not been here all that long but I have figured out fairly quickly that anyone who does their own version of the plan has very little success. The plan works the best when it is followed by the book.

Go to her house again TODAY. OM and WW already have had way too much time to get their stories straight as to what they are going to tell OMW. The longer you wait the less likely she is to think you aren't some psycho lunatic, which is what he is telling her (most likely anyway).

Why are you hesitating and waiting to do this?

LC

Bluenote, lc is right, there is no reason to drag your feet on this. This should be done NOW.

I will go see her when I get off of work (I work an hour away from home).

Don't misread me -- I am not worried that OM has my #.

LC, Frankly -- how do you execute a plan B when we are both in the same house (and neither wants to leave)? I thought that the plan B was about the separation and let WW experience life without my 'financing any of the A'.

I do not want to leave my 3 young kids. I spend more time with them and see to their needs than my WW.

This A has consumed alot of my hrs from work.

BN, if she will not end this affair, you will have to get a legal seperation and get her moved out.

I sent certified mail to OMW yesterday and left note to call me. I receive a call from supposed "Mrs OMW" this afternoon after package was received this morning.

Any suggestions on how to verify identity of OMW to make sure that OM did not intercept package and put a female up to calling me to get my intentions?

After all when OMW called me she said I am Mrs. OM (instead of saying her first name which I do not know anyway).

She just seemed somewhat 'passive' when talking with her instead of being fired up and throwing information my way on her husband's activity. She did say that her H wanted to work things out!

I guess the best way is to meet her in person and check her license?

Frankly, I do not know if I want to save my M given the gross disrespect dished out by my WW. She goes and comes in late 2am, 3am like nothing ever happened! She wants to stay in this home and have her financial needs met, but makes NO indication through action to work on the M.

While WW was napping yesterday, I found out that her cell phone was full of txt msgs from OM disguised under a girl name. Its like cat and mouse -- "Which way do we go underground next?"

Bluenote, I would ask to meet her in person. I would also get a legal seperation. To continue like this is enabling. Your wife is FLAGRANT about her affair and will continue like this if there are never consequences.

ML,

I had already planned to get a 1) restraining order to get WW out of the house, and 2) a legal separation on Monday.

I will try to set up meeting with OMW tonight or tomorrow at the latest. I will also insist that she bring the documentation I sent her along with her ID.

good thinking!

Yup, it's time you stop enabling your WW and put and end to her selfish entitlement. I agree that the legal separation is the way to go. Start documenting your WW's behavior (like being gone from 11pm-3am) in detail and keep a voice activated digital recorder on you at all times in case she tries to pull any stunts like falsely claim abuse. Get her on tape lying.

Just spoke with WW tonight!

OMW DID get the package! OM had lied previously in saying that his W knew of the A. She knows now! My WW said OM told her that he told his W that he would take care of my WW when she is separated! We'll see, this is no romance novel!

I told my WW I cannot continue to live with the disrespect and lack of trust, openness and honesty! She is free to move on!

I still think my WW is in denial in the sense that she says that I "drive" her to see OM when I critique her on her (perhaps risque) dress or I do not have anything nice to say when I call her on her cell (usually when she is with OM or I'm wondering where she is after a long absence).

Sounds to me like she is still making excuses for seeing OM -- we'll see what OM and WW is made of next week as we knock the luster off of this A!

Good thinking Jim -- I will!

Also, thanks to you all for the help so far (ML, JMWC, LC, Frankly, Wonderings, Coachswife) and anyone I may have missed!

My thread name will change as my situation changes!

Bluenote,

My next step would be putting GPS on WW's car and showing up at a few of their "meetings." This might scare OM away enough that he can find some affair partner that's husband doesn't know. He seems like he is a pro at this. Make chasing after your WW no longer worth his while.

Did you get the OMW's phone # so you can call and tell her this? I bet he told his wife a completely different story. And I bet it would cause trouble in affair land if your W KNEW that story. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

ALSO, just the fact that your WW told you that OMW got the package does not mean she did! It could just as well mean that the OM intercepted it and they are lying to you.

Do you have the OMW's phone #?

ML -- This has been tossing aronud in my head, and my gut feel has been pretty good of late. I will still be pushing for a personal visit with OMW and confirm her identity!

Yes, I believe OM is talking out his mouth and his butt at the same time!

My WW and I spoke last night and she said it was an 'addiction' and that she rebels against me by doing what I "supposedly say she cannot do".

Well, she will be free to see OM when a separation hits!

WW did say and reflects on the fact that OM said he probably wants her so much "because he knows he cannot truly have her (forbidden fruit)". Also why would she want to pursue a relationship with someone who is just 'using her' (her own words).

Once she is free to go, this A will be dull!

Jim - I do want to see OM now -- not to get violent, but I want to see the piece of [email]cr@p[/email] trying to play with my WW'mind.

Bluenote, istead of pushing for a visit, how about picking up the phone RIGHT NOW and giving her a CALL?

OMG, how old is she? 13?? Are you her poppa daddy!??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

This is fog talk, big time. I said almost the exact same thing to my H.

Your WW needs to hit a brick wall of ugly reality before she will start to "see the light." Show her that brick wall by showing her her consequences for her actions.

Yes, definitely confirm OM's W knows for sure.

Sorry if I came across as harsh last week, I was just trying to push you a little. I know when my H decided to talk to my FOM's W he was very nervous. I knew he wanted to talk to her, but didn't tell me until after he did it. He called me at work and I could tell by his voice he was clearly nervous, shaking and winded after he had met up with her. He knew her and had this reaction besides that, according to FOM, she already knew. My H didn't believe him and wanted to confirm it for himself. She knew some, told my H all she knew is it wasn't sexual, but she didn't want details. My H confirmed that, but did ask her if she knew it was physical. He said she didn't answer but began to shake. He felt bad because he didn't think she was told that part. He never regretted talking to her though.

Keep up the pressure on her. I agree with the people who say to separate. Let her see what life is like w/o you.

I have to abruptly end here because I am late and need to run out the door right now. No time to proofread either.

LC