I can't hear anything over the sound of how awesome bluenote is. Way To Go!!

I now return to lurking..

..P.S. I did snicker when you said you didnt know what she did with the GPS, its a GPS isnt it? LOL

Someone help me make some sense of this:

In talking with OMW after the 'showdown', she indicated that OM is trying to make strides to be transparent (got new cell# to be monitored by his W, new email address; tells his W of his whereabouts to include even inviting her to join him.

My WW and I have not spoken since the 'OM/OMW' showdown last Thursday. She was served D papers yesterday!

For the last week, she has continued to 'do her own thing'(come and go at night with no accountability) to my displeasure!

For the last 5 months, I have tried to get her to end her A but to no avail. Now I feel that she should be the one to let me know that if she cares anything for our M, she will come forth and tell me how she plans to do this!

Even on my B-Day 3 days ago, I thanked her for the card and gift as I sat next to her (and caressed her), but she seemed really cold and unresponsive. Honestly speaking I do not know if her contact with OM has stopped, but I cannot verify this with her maintaining her passwords!

Q: Is this pride in me talking?

My WW has continued to complain (to a 20-yr bud of mine staying with us) that I am trying to 'control' her with all of my snooping. I snoop no more because I am not trying to find evidence of a continuing A, but I am looking for evidence of a W who wants to rekindle a M.

At this point, I really do not care what she does because I have seen NO effort at all from her in trying to work on our M. I feel a great amount of disrespect and lack of care from my W. She seems intent on doing what she want when she wants (independent behavior)!

I have emotionally checked out of our M and (frankly) feel good about my decision at this time! I cannot continue a M with someone who does not care about what I think or feel!

If all she's worried about is you "snooping" then I'd say at this point she isn't interesting in recovery.

She's probably in withdrawal actually if OM isn't speaking with her anymore or has ended their affair.

Perhaps someone with more experience in this area can weigh in?

How did she receive the D. papers? Was she inflamed?
I will take to my grave the births of my kids, and would fight to the death for them, even though they are grown.
In my mind, I was the only woman in the world who had birthed a child , and I stand by it to this day, and it was the same for each of them. I mean literal death to anyone who tried to pry them from me! I WAS DIVORCED FROM MY 1ST WH,and I did in fact get into fisticuffs with the XWH's gf who had spanked my child. You don't just give up your kids ...unless you are in a time of temporary insanity.
If WW is in a deep fog, maybe you can let her know what she is about to lose. I can't believe she is that far " out there" that she doesn't understand what she is doing.

Lord help her. Have you all been active in church?. If not, just MHO, all little kids need to know about Jesus.Get all of you into church. It will be so wonderful for all of you.

I say this to everyone on this board, church will give you a new family and help you in time of need. I pray for you and will continue. GF

GF - Thanks!

My kids and I do go to church! I am also active in the church.

My WW has stopped going to church right now -- I don't know when she plans to come back!

When my WW was served papers, she did not go ballistic although she did ask some questions of the person who served her (a REAL close friend of mine for 20 yrs).

My WW STILL has not approached me about the papers!

Was she able to see that she was about to have to find a man who could help her with her child support payments?

Have you taken her car from her yet? If she squawks about the car and not her posible loss of her kids, she's got a lot of trouble. She has so much more trouble than worrying about your "snooping" on her.

At this juncture, maybe you should ask her where she intends to go. I'm sure she hasn't discussed the papers because of just that. She needs to know that she needs to be gone for the required separation prior to the divorce.

Tell her to be 100% here or 100% gone, and let her know that when you are married you ain't allowed to have boyfriends.

WW finally approached me 2 days ago about the D-papers that were presented to her. She has not filed a response to them yet (25 days and counting to default judgement)!

I told her they were for a D and not a sep. I told her I have emotionally checked out of the M and I am prepared to move ahead without her! She just needs to come clean and honestly admit to herself and me what she wants!

WW says she wants to 'work on the M' but her actions are not consistent with her talk (e.g. going out with work GFs and staying out until 2:15 am)! I DID confirm with OMW that OM was with her the night this occurred.

My WW is SO focused on what she wants from me that you would think that I was the one that had the A!

She wants me to 'meet her 50-50' as she says! I'm thinking, I have extended myself during the first 2-3 months of the A. She also states that she does not want to be unhappy again (who would?).

I also noticed she changed her gym membership last week at the request of her GF so she says -- only problem it is the same chain of gym as OM and she could possibly run into him at his gym location (coincidence?) - hmmmm!

When I asked WW why she wanted to work on the M now, she stated anything but her love for me!

Too much drama for me! I am also having more dreams of this A and even OM lately!

I think my WW wants a M of convenience - her financial needs covered by me while having her other emotional needs met by the 'next OM' (or possibly the current OM).

I cannot for sure verify NC has taken place. I learned from OMW (via OM) that my WW would go to stores and even borrow the cell phones of the employees she knows to call OM (if one wants to cheat he/she will surely find a way)!

I just want to be rid of it all!

When will you be able to go to Plan B, bluenote? How will you get her out of the house? Have you been able to cut her money off and cut off her access to your money so she doesn't plunder the assets? ARe you asking for FULL custody and possession of the home?

Bingo, I think you've got it!

She thinks she still controls you. She doesn't think you'll go through with it, or she's trying to play chicken with you to allow her to continue her independent behavior. I would do a 180 on her. Tell her she needs to stay home at night because you are going out. Plan activities with your children, invite her, and if she doesn't want to go, take the children without her. If she offers to go to a MC, I would take her up on the offer, but don't back down from your boundaries.

ML -- Getting WW out of the house will be tough given I cannot 'force' her out.

YES -- I have protected my assets and I am asking for full custody along with the house to kee the kids in a 'relatively' stable environment.

Jim -- I thik she is starting to realize that I mean business about following through with the D if she does not adhere to any boundaries. I do not bring up any talk of the D at all! She is starting to slowly ask more questions about my lawyer to which I ignore.

Given my long thread, should I provide her a list (REMIND HER) of what it would take for her to make me even think about coming back to the M?

Transparency with accounts
Open/Honest
Accountability
etc...

I must admit that I have been walking around 'ignoring her' with a silent treatment as a message that I am prepared to move on without her.

I realize that this behavior will not endear my WW to me, but it drives me crazy to see her carry on daily as if the A is now over and lets move on with our life in a 'happy go lucky' fashion (as if the A never happened).

My WW is upset that I am angry, but I am upset that she has not said what she would do to make me feel safe in this M again.

I feel that if I recommit to our M, then she will act like she has in the past -- taking me for granted!

Here is how I would proceed. Plan A your W, but plan B your WW. Tell her she looks good, but if she stays out, or starts yelling at you, ignore her. If she expresses any interest in not getting divorced and going to counseling, I would suggest you invest the money in phone counseling with the Harley's. They have a way of talking to WSs and protecting the BS from giving in to his boundaries. You don't have to do anything with the divorce, just let it sit unless you want to move forward.

So what is the goal then? You are not perpetually chained to this woman for life, Bluenote. You must seperate in order to go into Plan B. How will that happen? What is the plan?

I think the plan was to divorce her, and then force her out if she did not meet his conditions for reconciling.

ok, has she met those conditions?

I think your answer to the question "WHAT DO YOU WANT" lies in her ACTIONS. What she wants is some chump to pay the bills and take out the trash while she goes catting around at night.

Bluenote, move forward with this. It is not in her best interest to get away with cake eating like this. It is not in your or your childrens best interest to put up with this endless abuse.

Bluenote-- is your silence with your WW unusual? Because if it is, keep doing it! Its a big 180 change and it will make her wonder what you are up to. Examine other ways you've unsuccessfully dealt with her and find differant ways to do it-- tone of voice, eye contact, that sort of thing. It drives them nuts.

ML - I agree with your assessment. She has not met my conditions at all -- I am moving forward as planned!

Mojo - It is unusual! My WW DOES wonder what I am up to!

Its been awhile since I have posted -- here is a quick update!

I truly believe that my WW believes that OM will leave his W for her!

Contact between the two is STILL ongoing -- in fact, I still maintain contact with OMW to compare notes and exchange info on the A that is still ongoing to my knowledge.

I am past the hurt of the A now and feel strong in moving forward with plan D ALTHOUGH I hurt only for my 3 kids!

I did some reading on narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) (love reflection of one's self), and although I am no doctor, I am firmly convinced that this is my W all the way after observing her in our soon to be 14 yrs of M!

NPD is absoultely creepy!!!

In fact she and OM are both of this mold and they need to have their egos stroked constantly at the expense of ignoring or hurting everyone else. This also perhaps describes her 'entitlement' attitude of engaging in the A.

I am asking for the house and kids in the D in order to stabilize their lives as best as I can. My WW has given the impression (to her family) that she wants equity from the home to start her a new life elsewhere!

Nov 4 will be 30 days before I can enter a 'default' judgement against my WW.