Hi All!!

I really need help............this is getting real creepy!!!

My daughter (24)lives with the father (27) of her
child (1 1/2) and their relationship is far from what anyone would dream for.

They met online and moved together very quickly. My husband and I were horrified when she informed us about this.....

The relationship started off extremely bumpy and has been ever since. They fights are verbally as well as physical.....

The worse part of it all is that my daughter got pregnant and now there is also a little child involved.......and I'm going nuts because it's breaking my heart to see that this innoscent child is being brought up in such a terrible invirement.

We are in contact with our daughter regularely and our grandson is with us as much as possible. We've talked and talked and t..............over and over again and both our daughter and her boyfriend are aware that it just will NOT work out......their relationship is absolutely toxic. It has never functioned and it will take a miracle to make it work.

It started with lies and betrayal............and trust is not a part of this relationship. My daughters boyfriend has betrayed her a few times and lies about it.

The biggest problem comes...............they know it will not work and they don't love each other. They know that they have to get away from one another and my daughter knows that her boyfriend must move out......for her sake and most important for the sake of this little child before more damage occurs.......but when he wants to move out......our daughter freaks out completely!!!!!

When I say "Freaks out" I mean freak out...........it's horrifiying. She has been getting professional help for a few weeks now but she cannot make the last step......she addicted to this man. She cannot let him go. He wants to leave..............but she will not let him!!!!

We are helpless and we seriously do not know what to do.........

We have done our best not to involve ourselves because after all.......our daughter is a 24yo. woman and a mother and she has a life of her own......but it's killing us to know that this wonderfull little child is being brought up in such a terrible envoirment.

We can't force our daughter to make the the steps and get her life straightened out......we can take our grandchild as much as possible and we do take him as much as we can. We believe that he deserves to grow up in a loving and unviolent envoirement........the same way we brought up our children.

I can't believe what is going on.................anyone have advice for us???? WHAT CAN WE DO??????
I just wanted to mention that our daughter has a very good job and she earns enough money but if this keeps up she'll probably loose her job..............and her boyfriend is going to school.

bb

She is pregnant, her hormones are out of whack, etc. Of course she will freak out.

Now why can't he change? He already has an obligation. He is going to school to be a ____________?

L.

Orchid,

I think you didn't read what I wrote <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />............my daughter isn't pregnant.......anymore......the child (boy) will be 2 yo in December..................

Our daughter's boyfriend never finished school and he's now trying to do that. He's also got a drinking problem......
Before this he was in the Military. He started a apprenticeship as a cook but he never finished that either......so he has nothing completed in his life.
bb

Your daughter is an adult. I totally understand and appreciate your concern, and I admire you for it, but I don't think there's anything you *can* do.

Your daughter is an adult, she's responsible for her choices.

If you feel that your grandchild is in danger you could always call Family Services (or similar in your state/community), but beyond that, there's not much you an do.

If you can take your daughter and grandson in should she decide to leave him, make the option available. Aside from that, that's about all you can do.

Sorry you find yourselves in this situation.

JinGA

JinGA

completely correct what you wrote............she's a grown up and she is responsible for her choices.

That's the way I think also........if only there wasn't a little child involved........ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

My husband and I will NOT take my daughter in, if she decides to really make the step and leave her boyfriend.....but we will always be there for her if she needs someone to talk to. We also refuse to give her $$$$.....as you said, she is responsible for what she does.

We are just extremely concerned about our grandchild and we are looking for ideas (if there are any at all????) where we can *help* mostly to avoid him from getting damaged in this whole situation........

Anyone out there that has went through a situation like this??? Any ideas?????

bb

Terrible situation but you are far too close to this to be objective. Bottom line is, as much as you want to help right now, this is their situation to work out. The only thing I would suggest is that since BF has no legal standing as her partner, if your daughters mental state deteriorates to a point of great concern, you can petition to have her committed to get the help she needs.
I am sorry you are going through this but in reality, there is little you can do at this point.

shoot, because that is what I was going to suggest, too. That would be the ideal situation for them, IMO. The little boy would have a stable home and she would have her parents there for moral support while withdrawing from this addiction. I feel bad for them both. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

as far as your grandchild...just make sure that the child has you guys to show them love and caring. Don't do anything that will result in you being alientated from the child's life.

Also, and this is the tough one because your daughter is involved...if things become too rough in that household, get child protective services involved. The best interest of the child must be put above everyone and everything else at this point.

Does this BF have a support structure around him??? If he leaves, is he taking the child with him...or is the child going to be with your daughter? My concern is that your daughter does not sound as though she would be a fit parent in the short run...not that he is any bargain either...but given the deatils of the situation as described, I would feel more comfortable with the child being with him (assuming that she would not be living with you)...

mkeverydaycnt,

we are concerned about our daughters "mental state".......but we somehow don't know how far we should/can go................without this "jumping onto us someday".............I also believe that we are "objective"..........in this whole situation. They have been together for almost 4 years and we have held back the whole time and we have let them deal with their relationship..............

Our daughter is NOT innoscent in this whole situation..........therefore she is getting professional help.

The BIG problem in this situation is that if she does get the help she really needs......she will more than likely loose her job......... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
She started to work shortly after her son was born and she has climbed the stairs..........but she is not in the situation right now to get put onto leave for 2-3 months......to get the professional help that she would probably need right now.

bb

MelodyLane,

Due to the fact that my MIL lives in her own appartment in our house..............this would become a fiasco!!!!!

My MIL has always been a problem when it comes to respecting the privacy of others.......we have cut off contact with her due to this. It got so bad at times that she came into our bedroom to see what we were doing.

I have put down my foot now since 2 years and we even build a new house (same property but separate enterance) to get rid of this problem.

I don't want to start new problems all over again.

This means that we will NOT take any of our children as long as our MIL is still alive, even though we do have empty appartments. This is sad......yes, I know.

But I lived with this problem for 30 years and it's devasting............but that's a different topic.

bb

BB, I am not clear on what you mean by objective. Have you tried to give her guidance and direction in all this? It seems to me that the best thing for them would be to move home with you so the boy could have some stability and she could have some support.

Objectivity is very tough when our loved ones are involved. It is always a good idea to have someone less involved take a look at things.

As far as getting your daughter the help she needs you wrote..



With all due respect, who gives a rats tush about her job. On the scale of life, her mental health and the resulting impact on her child are the ONLY things that matter right now. If she loses her job...when she gets well, she can get another one. If in fact she has a mental illness, she can receive disability pay while healing(from Social Security...not her employer since you said thta won't kick in for a few months). But bottom line is, even if she had to rely on food stamps, your daughter needs to get well no matter the consequences to her employment. IMHO, your focus here is anything but objective. An objective person would not worry about the job impact...they would worry about the elephant in the room first...and that is her mental health.

mkeverydaycnt

BF has no support structure.......... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />and if he left, there would be no way for him to take the child with him.
First of all, he goes to school, then he has a drinking problem and he also lost his drivers license.......... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

My daughter has organized a network of loving,helping people that take care of her little son, while she works.
She has a day-care mother + my husband and I and a very good girlfriend when it' urgent.

I don't see how it would be any good letting this child live with her boyfriend................. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> he drinks!!!!!!!!

bb

well, I drink too. I am assuming you are saying this man is an active alcoholic???

I never said it would be the best situation...but the way YOU describe your daughters reactions I would worry about the childs safety. Frankly, neither one of them are fit parents right now.

I do not know where you live, but if the two to three months your daughter needs is related to an addiction, many corporations provide an opportunity to get treatment for addictions without losing a job. The only thing is that it is something that your daughter needs to decide--that she wants treatment.

Also, I agree with MEDC in that if she needs treatment, she needs treatment. The job is secondary.

Also, if you live in the States, there is the Disability Act.

Bottom line: If she needs help, she needs to take the action necessary to get the help she needs. Also, she may not necessarily lose her job. Is she using this as a smoke screen in talking about it to you in order to avoid treatment? If so, don't fall for it.

mkeverydaycnt

I might have to mention that I'm not in the US............I live in Europe..................

It's a different system here............. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
There are NO food stamps here................

BUT............I still understand completely what you are saying!!!! Believe me!!!!! I DO!!!!!!

My daughters concern is that she will loose her job, if she really gets the help she needs!!!!!!

What can a parent do in this situation????? I can't grab her and force her to do anything..............OR???

bb

sorry for the assumption that you live in the States.

mkeverydaycnt,

well, I drink too. I am assuming you are saying this man is an active alcoholic???

I'm NO doctor and I'm NO person to say if someone is an acoholic..............I drink once in awhile also.....but drinking has never been a problem for me and no one has ever seen it to be a problem in my situation......but if it wasn't a problem in their situation, I wouldn't even mention it. He drinks up to 2 "six-packs" in an evening.


Frankly, neither one of them are fit parents right now.
I agree completely!!!!

bb

BB...

not to beat a dead horse here...but this drinking is witnessed by you...or as reported by your daughter?

So, lets assume he has a drinking problem...she has a mental problem...then file for temporary custody of the child...or sit down with the parents and tell them that you would like to care for the child until they are both well. They may respond in a positive way.