Hang in there. I'm right where you are as far as just finding out...my DDay was 7/25/07.

The thing that has helped me the most is refinding my confidence, and it came from one of the simplest places. I was reading everything I could find to help me sort things out, just as you are, and I came across that old "Serenity Prayer"...the one that goes:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


For some reason it connected with me, and it was like being hit between the eyes with a baseball bat.

Prior to the A, my wife had been withdrawing emotionally and physically from me...I was pursuing her to get back what was missing...which only made her withdraw further. I had become a begging, whining, weinie, and didn't like myself and was becoming more depressed. I'm a big guy...6'5", 250lbs, and prior to this episode, I was very confident, even bordering on arrogance at times, and now I was this weinie and it disgusted me.

When I read the Serenity Prayer, I UNDERSTOOD that I couldn't change my wife, so I had to ACCEPT that. The only person's happiness that I had any control over was my own, and I dug down within myself for the courage to find my old personality.

It was amazing, but I went home that evening and I was feeling much better about myself and content in my actions. I didn't "reach out" to my wife for reassurance, and I didn't tell her "I Love You". I told her I had made a decision for myself, and I was pleased with the results...I was glad she had decided to stay and work on our marriage as that was my goal also, but that I would be focusing on myself so that if things didn't work out, I would be prepared to restart my own life again.

The results were nearly instantaneous, as she began looking at me like she used to and seeing me as the guy she originally fell in love with. That is a great side effect, but my happiness and contentment was coming from within as I was under control of the things I could control, and I had accepted that some things were out of my control.

Something about your posts and situation prompted me to register and start posting myself, as I had only been reading and lurking up to this point.

I hope this helps you, as others have unknowingly helped me.

Keep in mind, you're not alone, and others share this very painful common bond.

Hang in there...YOU CAN DO IT!!!

Hello,

I think you are making a mistake by not informing your teenage children that their mother is leaving the home to see the OM at night while you are staying home with them. They are old enough to know the truth. What you are doing is shielding your wife from the consequences of her actions and in fact enabling her to continue her affair while living in the home and lying to her teenage children. When they find out (which they will) they will be also angry at you for lying to them. You are choosing deceit over honesty toward them. It is a mistake.

jd,

I gotta agree with this also, and I meant to address it in my previous post. "Radical Honesty" with everyone is the way to go. Your sons are old enough to understand and it effects their world too. Don't trash their mother or try to use the kids against her, just tell them the truth, let them know you will be there for them and that you are trying to work things out with their mother, and let them make up their own minds on how to act towards her. Remember, its one thing for your W to look at the hurt/disappointment in you and walk out the door to go to the OM, but it may be a completely different matter for her to view the hurt and disgust in the eyes of her own sons.

Remember, be strong for yourself...you have done NOTHING WRONG. Be comfortable in your own bed, in your own home, with your sons...its all you can control, so find the courage to change the things you can, and accept those that you can't...and trust that the rest will work itself out. Reconnect with your manhood...be strong for you and your sons...show them how a real man handles adversity...make a positive out of a negative and feel good about your actions. It could be a powerful lesson for you and your sons. Trust me, it helps!!!

Good Luck to you!!!

jhv

Thankyou again for your replies.

I have decided to tell my children what has happened but I am going to insist my wife be there so she can see I am telling them as fairly as possible.

I feel I have to make it clear that my wife in her own mind at the moment is 100% certain she wants out. Luckly because of our mortgage we cannot sell up for 1 year.
This is my time frame.
She agrees for financial reasons we will have to live in the same house, but she wants totally seperate lives without arguements and stress.
This seems my only option but it is a very hard one.

How do you watch your wife go out to another man reguarly and not make disrespectful judgements or have angry outbursts.
Don't get me wrong , I have never been an agry person but I am sure this situation will increase the pressure on me to keep calm.

Obviously I can state when I move back in that I am here for my kids and my marriage and leave it at that, but she will have the best of both worlds. A husband/father/baby sitter/provider/lover.

I just can't see through the fog to see how a plan A can work under these circumstances.

Any more advice out there

I'm certainly no expert, but I think the general concensus is that you should not support her in her affair. All that does is shield her from the real-world consequences of her actions.

Can you afford the Mortgage on your own?
Is the house in your name or both of your names?

I have seen a lot of people on these boards recommend to just focus on yourself and your role as a husband and father, but do NOTHING to enable her irresponsible behavior. If she is not willing to commit to you, she should not get the benefits of being married to you. I can understand your predicament though, but if feasible, I would think it would be good for her to get an apartment for now. That way she would see that she has to make the choice between OM and her husband/kids. It may hasten the end of the affair fantasy that much quicker.

GQIIer's,

This thread has been moved to GQII for additional help & advice for jdmelt.

Jd,

Read what people have written here. I think you are seeing it but not hearing it!!! Take a deep breath, most of us have been where you are and know how you feel. Irrational, unstable, behavior will serve no purpose (you tried begging, crying, pleading, reasoning, et al to no avaial). Stop, take a deep breath.

Re-read everything here on your thread and then start a list of things that you have heard people advise you to do that you intend to start checking off:

Example:
1. Immediately move back home, stating that you intend to fight for your W (not th wayward she is not, but your Wife) and marriage/family. Don't tell anyone about this just do it. Sleep in the marital bed and if she wants to move so be it. If she wants to move out let her (I know that is hard to here)
2. Read SAA, HN/HN, Love Must Be Tough, read the articles, threads herein
3. Plan A (stick and carrot), determine what her most imporant emotional needs are and meet those that she will let you meet.


Well you get the picture. Maintain your cool and don't be disrespectful, mean, love bust, etc when talking with WW but don't be a doormat. Don't finance her affair, if she leaves she pays her own car payment, insurance, rent, etc.

Make that list of things to get started on!

Just a thought on boundaries. You live in your home with your wife and children. We don't date other people in those circumstances. She needs to go no contact, or become financially independent if she chooses to leave her marriage, husband, children, and home.

IMHO

FTS

Financial reasons is not good enough of a reason for you and your family to be subjected to the blatant A.

Tell the WS to go do the A away from the family and she is still required to honor her financial obligations to the family. If she has to live in her car, then so be it.

The WS will drag all of you down, including the children so you had better stop whining and start preparing for the biggegst battle of your life. You are fighting for your family and your family needs to be on the same page with you.

Get over the begging and pleading. Like JL said, it doesn't work.

Pull in your support group (include your children). Expose to the OM (with the aim to make the A as unconfortable as possible). Don't worry about damaging the WS' character....she did that by herself.

Get a personal recovery plan going.

L.

I see you've aleady been advised to:

Expose to everyone, including your children.

Move back home and sleep in your own bed.

Don't beg.

Change that "Oh God please help" to:
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"!!!

You have to do this for yourself, your WW, your marriage, and most importantly for your children.

Your sons need to see you being a strong example. This is pretty scary stuff for kids. Your sons will not benefit from seeing you begging and falling apart OR going to the opposite extreme and being angry. Assure your sons that you aren't going anywhere and that you will do your best to keep your marriage and family together. Promise them that and then follow through on that promise.

You CAN do it!

Come here to vent and to learn.

Keep your expectations really low. That way you will feel less hurt and anger. Don't hope that your efforts will yield quick or permanent results. You will be making your best effort in Plan A to show her what she'd be leaving behind if she left you for OM. If she senses you expect immediate payback for your efforts she will doubt any positive changes you've made are genuine and permanent

Don't be reactive - study your plans (A & B) and work your plan. She's going to go pretty nutso on you and will try really hard to get you to react in anger. You're going to have to be strong. You have to be the rock that holds your family together through this. Your sons will need to see that one of their parents is still sane, still there for them.

She's going to say some cruel and crazy stuff, man.
Don't you dare react to it - don't let it get to you - don't take the bait to fight with her. It's all fog talk.
Just walk away if you have to, don't listen to it if you think there's any chance you'll lose your cool.

Again, don't be reactive. A lot of what you are going to feel like saying and doing will make matters worse. You will have to speak and behave in a counter-intuitive way to pull this off. This is what I did when I was eally tempted to react the wrong way, to stray from my Plan A or Plan B: I would take whatever I was feeling and find a way to turn it into a motive to stick to the plan. For example let's say you are infuriated by her plans to go off with the OM for the weekend. And you know what that makes you feel like saying and doing will blow your plan and play right into her hands. So you take that anger your feeling and you use it to give you the determination to stick to the plan so that you can increase the odds that OM and WW will break up sooner. Regardless of how you feel you're behavior and words are going to have to be consistent. You won't be effective in saving your marriage otherwise. (Plus your sons will be really freaked out if you start acting as nutty as their mother!) If you have to practically hypnotize yourself to stick to Plan A (and later Plan B) do it!

I read something about a coach who no matter what happened during a game would just go ahead and run all the plays he had his team practice. He didn't revert to reactive defensiveness. He had a plan and he stuck to it. He LED his team to victories. You've got to be like that.

I know you said you left because you were worried that if you didn't move out she would move out (and in with OM). She's gonna see OM anyway whether or not you moved out. Move back home ASAP. I agree with the advice to not tell her you're moving home - just do it! And I also agree you shouldn't sleep in the spare room. Hey, let her sleep in there if she wants to!

You can do this!

You're worried about how you're going to deal with her going to be with the OM for dates or weekends? You can't control that. read that again: You can NOT do anything to stop her. Your goal is to stop her from leaving you permanently. Your goal is to make sure the adultery ends sooner rather than later. And no, it isn't going to end before her next date with him. You WILL get through that. Stop telling yourself you won't be able to handle that. You can and will. You have to. You can't choose what she is going to do. You can only control your response. And you'd better make sure that response is well-planned.

JDmelt,

If the 2x4 I previously posted was a bit more than you can handle at thie moment, I apologize. It just hurts to see you suffering so, especially when you don't have to suffer as much as you have been.

Let us know when you want to reduce your pain and suffering. It will take some drastic and unconventional efforts but it will help you and your family.

take care,
L.

Hi
Thanks for your replies all are very welcome at this time of need.

can you tell me where to find this thread.

"2. Read SAA, HN/HN, Love Must Be Tough, read the articles, threads herein"

Cheers

SAA & HNHN are books by Dr Harley.

The articles are located in Basic Concepts, Q&A, Questionnaires, etc. sites listed at the top of this page.

L.

Thank you.

I would like some advice on the following.

I have been considering contacting the OM.
I have concluded two things.
1/ That this might end in confrontation and may only be for my benifit.
2/ That if my wife new that her relationship was ended directly because of me she might never forgive me for ending her perceived chance of happiness.

So i decided not to.

I feel i have to do something though.
I thinking of send him the following annonymous letter (from a friend of the family)

Your thoughts would be very welcome.

'proposed letter.



You do not know me but I am a friend of Sarah and John.
I wonder do you realise that Sarah has a husband that loves her dearly and two good kids.
That her husband, who she still lives with, is trying hard to repair their marriage.
And that their two sons do not deserve to loose their mother or their father.
You are helping to destroy a family and to take away everything from these boys, one of their parents, there home and everything they now know.
I ask only that you search your conscience. Do you want to take over someone else’s family, with all that that entails both emotionally and financially?
If not I ask only that you stand aside and give their family a fighting chance.


A friend of the family.


Would she know it was from me.
would it matter if she did.
should i deny sending it if she asks.
should I send it at all.


I really would like as many opinions as possible.

Thanks

jdmelt, I would not send the anonymous letter. You are not a cockroach, you are a man. And now is the time to ACT like one. You need to face him man to man and make very certain that your wife knows you did this. He needs to see a real live FACE to be able to humanize the man about which he has probably heard many terrible things. Tell him who you are, about your children and about how this affair is destroying your family. Tell him you intend on fighting for your family. ASK HIM WHAT HIS INTENTIONS ARE FOR YOUR WIFE.

But do this man to man. You are not a cockroach and don't have to hide out like you have done something wrong. I would only caution you about one thing, if you feel you will beat him up or punch him, then take a friend. LEAVE YOUR PISTOL IN THE CAR! Some folks cannot control their temper, so it is best to be prepared.

She has no sense of "fairness," though. They don't need "fair," they need TRUTH. THE TRUTH. Not a spun bullcrap story. She is a wayward wife who has lost her mind and is embroiled in pure selfish interest; she is hardly "fair." Tell your kids alone and tell them the truth so she does not have a chance to lie to them and spin the story.


Tell her that her affair is intolerably painful and will cause huge stress on the family, so her little wish is not going to happen. Tell her that this will not work with 3 people in your marriage and ask her to end her affair.


You seem to think that SHE is the only one who has "options" and you just have to live with her dictates. this is not the case. You should not allow a wayward person to run your life and your family.


You expose her affair to everyone and ask her to stop her abuse. But you DO control your angry outbursts.



You cannot run from your problems, jmelt. Your kids needs you, the marriage needs you. You are the only sane parent they have! You have no reason to leave your home. LEAVING WAS A DREADFUL MISTAKE THAT ONLY ENABLES THE AFFAIR.

MOVE HOME TODAY!