jd, another good reason to talk to OM directly is that wayward WIVES are NOTORIOUS for demonizing their husbands as "wife beaters," "abusive," etc in a stupid attempt to justify the affair. The victim card is so cheesy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> It is very likely he has been told you are abusive. She will also use your moving out to bolster the affair, because it sounds much better to have an affair if one is "seperated." These are more reasons why you should speak to the OM yourself and move home.

DUDE!!!

I read your last post really quickly this morning before I headed out for a job interview. Couldn't wait to get back here to borrow that 2x4 from Orchid... Have you seen the movie "Moonstruck" (with Cher), remember the scene where she slaps the guy really hard and yells: "SNAP OUT OF IT!"?
Well, I oughta...

I was relieved that MelodyLane responded with some sound advice for you.

Don't you dare weasle around contacting the OM by just sending him an anonymous letter instead. Whether or not you send some anonymous letter is one thing BUT you STILL need to deal with this directly yourself.

You sound as if you're hoping for some knight in shining armor to come and rescue your marriage for you! YOU have to be that knight!

Have you read the Carrot and Stick of Plan A?
Waffles won't cut it. Where's your carrot? More importantly, where's your stick?!?

Confidence is sexy dude and to tell you the truth, as much as I'm extremely opposed to adultery, I don't know if I'd take you back if I were your WW! You sound as if you're going all wimpy and that's just not going to be very enticing to your WW. Hey, if she senses that YOU don't really believe that choosing you over the OM is her best choice then why would she want to choose you? An attitude of fear and appeasement is going to do your marriage in for sure. Keep it up and she will not only have you sleeping in the other room, she'll move that OM into the master bedroom with her right under your roof! You think it's too much to deal with thinking of her leaving the house to go out with him? Well, if you don't get with the plan (Plan A that is) she and he are going to give you much worse crud to try to have to deal with that that.

I do NOT normally endorse the style of coaching that employs yelling and insulting, but I've got to tell you I just feel like shaking you right now. You have got to get it together. Your SONS are DEPENDING on YOU.

Man you're going to blow it if you don't learn your gameplan and commit to sticking to it. And a very important part of Plan A is to employ exposure. If you can't bring yourself to even talk to the OM then you may as well just hand your wife over to him.

As MelodyLane suggested, if you fear that you might become violent with the OM, then take a friend with you. Or you could write a letter to the OM, or call him, AS YOURSELF though - not pretending to be somebody else. No matter what, do NOT become violent! That would certainly be used against you. Come here to vent instead (and maybe even whine a teensy bit), but make absolutely sure that from the persective of your WW, the OM, and your sons that you appear confident.

You are not the girl sitting at home worrying how her soldier boy is doing on the front, praying for a miracle and sending an occasional care package... You are not even a military man hoping he can hide behind a desk job instead of going to the front... You're going to the front, dude, and you're going in as the commanding officer!
Who are you in charge of? You're in charge of your fears, feelings, reactions, words, household, gameplan (Plan A now Plan B later) Now go get your briefing (Carrot & Stick of Plan A) and march to it!

Here's what you have to do (taken from link to Pep's Carrot & Stick of Plan A with some notes added))

The CARROT of PLAN A:

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

She sees you acting all scared and squishy and she will think you can't provide her with the sort of emotional strength and security to get her, yourself, your sons, and your marriage through this to recovery. Women like to be pursued by a knight in shining armor type hero, not begged by a whimpering fool...

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

First of all you need to be in your home, with your sons, and do the most you can to make home as calm and inviting as possible, the safe-haven she can come back to when the exposure spoils the honeymoon phase of the adultery, when she starts to notice the OM's flaws, when they start to bicker with each other, when she's struggling with the addiction wihtdrawals...

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

You know more about her than the OM does. Pour on the love man. Treat her the way you know she always hoped you would...

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

You know what her complaints about you were. Fix that stuff...

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Do not demand or yell or argue or put her down...

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

This is where you seem most at risk of losing IMHO. You have got to stop whining and waffling and start fighting for your marriage. Nobody's coming to rescue you...

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Confidence and calmness will impress her...

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

When you panic then how can she have faith in recovery?
If you act as if this is too much to handle, she'll believe you can't ever forgive her, that she's done permanent damage to the marriage so there's no choice but to divorce...

Offering forgiveness and understanding.

Same comment as before...

The STICK of PLAN A:

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

You HAVE to do this! Do not allow fear of her resulting anger bully you into silence. Don't kid yourself into thinking you can negotiate to appease her...

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

The fact the she and the OM will surely get angry because of exposure is not evidence that you have done anythign wrong. If you aren't going to do exposure you might as well just hand her over to him...

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Do this without whining or crying. She's not going to come back just because she feels sorry for you (not permanently anyway)...

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Ignore all fog talk about how it's all your fault...

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Stop trying to keep her from getting angry or embarrassed. EXPOSE!...

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Move back home ASAP...

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

How are you doing?

How are your sons doing?

Have you moved back home yet?

Are you following Plan A?

JD..MAN UP!!!!

Tell your sons what is going on....they know anyway...They will want to SEE dad fighting for them and their family by some ACTION from YOU...Show them what dads are meant to do for their family, lead by example...So start DOING something..

Move home and WW moves out if she wants to continure affair...anything less than this is enabling beahviour by YOU....you want to stop this, right??

Go see OM and tell him, calmly as possible, that he is a home wrecker/family wrecker.

WW needs to see the FULL consequences of her actions on you,her, children etc....only them may she start to come out of the fog...

too bad if you upset her....what does she think her behaviour is doing to you & kids....oh ,thats right, she CAN'T think logically at the moment.

We're here to help you in your sitch, but you have to do your job too

Hi

Thank you for your concern.

I moved back home yesterday morning. I told her I wasn't moving in because I was over her but rather that I was moving in for my sons my family and the marriage that I still believed in.
She said what are you going to do, try and chip away at me.

I said no. I am not here to make your life difficult or ask you where you are going each time you leave. I am here to keep my family together and that there was no room for anyone else to spoil that.


I asked her to end the affair and not to destroy our family.
she replied.
"I do not love you anymore. I do not want 2 be with you.
I have not loved you 4 a long time. I can't pretend anymore. I'm sorry"


She was cross and left.



While she was gone I sat my sons down individually to tell them the truth.
I told them as fairly as I could but of course it just doesn't sound fair.

I said I think you deserve the truth and I am sorry I didn't tell you before.
The problem is that mummy has told me that she doesn't love me anymore and that’s not all her fault. But unfortunately she has found someone else. I am going to do everything I can to bring her back and to keep our family together. I am afraid that I do not know if I will be able to do it but I promise I will try very hard. Don’t worry you do not have to have any contact with this other person.
I told them that I would not leave them again and that I do not believe thier mother would move out on them.

First my youngest son. 12 years old.
He cried a little and just said "ok dad".

My eldest son, 17 years old took it a bit harder.
He said "******" how could she do that to you".
"If I where you I would tell her to f*** off and you take us somewhere else dad."
This struck me really deeply as he is really my stepson who I took over when he was 2 years old. And yes she was single when I came along.
I told him he had every right to be angry but that I still loved his mum and I wanted to put everything back the way it was and work hard to make his mum happy as a full family.
That of course he could show his disapproval but that I didn't want his mum to feel she wasn't welcome if she wanted to try again.

After this I phoned my wife and told her I couldn't lie anymore and that I had told the kids as fairly as I could. She was furious and said I was just doing it to get at her.
She later text me to ask if our youngest was OK. She phoned our eldest mobile but he wouldn't answer.
She did not come home to talk to them. Later that night I went snooping and her car was outside the OM's house.
When I see her next I want to say how could you not come home and see them after this, but of course this would be a disrespectful judgment.

Ref seeing OM. I went there in the morning before I went home but he was not in.
When I went back later her car was there so I didn’t do it.

I am still very concerned that after I see him it will push her to move out, and then I would not be able to do a plan A.
If you all think it is still the best plan I will see him.
I am not looking for revenge only to keep my wife and family.

All comments welcome.
Thanks

Hey JD!!!

Congratulations!!! YOU have just made the BEST step that you can make for your family. Way to go!!!

Now, settle down and relax a bit, because it's going to be a bumpy ride for a while... I agree with the others that you still need to confront the OM. Just make sure you don't bring any guns with you!

When Mrs. RIF had her "first" A, my brother was stationed overseas with me and he went to the house and took my guns away "just in case"...

Anyway, confront the OM and DO NOT WORRY about your wife moving out and moving in with the OM. You see, once the secrecy of the A is over, reality is going to hit them both in the head with a huge dose of reality. They're still going to have bills to pay, instead of "special" times together, they'll have 24/7 to start getting to know each other's "bad" side... life won't be all fun and games if they start shacking up... and YOU, my friend, will be doing a Great Plan-A and will look more appealing to her when the fantasy world starts to crumble.

Hang in there and let us know how we can help... I think that Orchid has a really good thread on reverse babble so you can really confuse your W when she makes outrageous statements...

You did Great JD...

Semper Fi,

RIF

WELCOME HOME!

You've doing the right thing. What you have given your sons in telling them the truth and promising to fight for your marriage/family, is a priceless gift to them. No doubt they were worried and wondering about your moving out. Now they will feel safer with you back home. AND the likelihood that they will ever have to meet the OM is greatly reduced with you in the home!

I bet your WW never saw it coming LOL. She probably thought she'd gotten you out of the way pretty easily and it would just be a matter of time before she could start bringing OM home...NOPE!

"I am still very concerned that after I see him it will push her to move out, and then I would not be able to do a plan A."

She will probably move out at some point anyway.

And you can still Plan A with a spouse who's moved out.

In some ways it can even make Plan A easier to stick to.

In Plan A you're trying to show her all positives, right? Basically with OM and WW it's been all positive up til now, right? Exposure ends their all positive stage together and if/when she moves in with OM they have to start dealing with what real life together would look like. (My WH once complained to me about OW just because he was at her place and heard her on the phone chewing out the biological father of her kid - demanding more $$$. It was a side of her he hadn't seen before - not exactly romantic 'date' behavior LOL.)

It might be easier for you to keep your calm and to not LB or DJ if you aren't around her as much. You could have more time to prepare before each time you see her (and more time to recover afterwards) if she is not living in the home. I'm not saying that you should want her to move out just saying you can still Plan A and maybe even do a better more effective Plan A.

So far you've represented paying bills, doing laundry, etc. while OM's represented romance... If she's not doing your laundry anymore but instead is doing OM's that might help crack up her delusion faster.

"If you all think it is still the best plan I will see him."

You don't necessarily have to see him in person if you are worried that might not go off as planned. You could call him or write to him. But I personally think the effect of a BH confronting an OM in person woudl have the most impact LOL. Just make sure you do not take a weapon and do take a good buddy that can reel you in if needed and/or be a witness if WW and OM try to accuse you of something.

Oh, and I would have confronted them together when you had that chance!!! If I were you I would go to OM's place ASAP with a good buddy and get it over with. Just rip that band-aid off. (I went over to OW's place to confront OW and my WH but they wouldn't answer the door. In fact they called the police on me and the police said I had to leave... But it did have the effect of changing the way they thought of their little love nest... things just never were the same for them after that... boo-hoo LOL and maybe some snoopy neighbors got to see what OW was up to?)

Again, just make sure you take precautions to protect yourself from being accused of something.

You did a really good job with your sons. They need you at home with them and deserved to be told the truth instead of lies.

Great work JD!!!!! Stand up and be the man your sons need to see. HAve you completed exposure????? (OM's family, parents, friends, co workers, church, pastor, Sunday school members, etc, same for WW's)

Great job!

Good job. Continue letting your sons know that you have a plan, and are going to protect the family. Spend time doing family things together. If your wife goes to see the other man, SHE misses out. SHE will be the one on the outside, conducting a sleazy affair.

Stay calm, cheerful and strong.

Hi to everyone.

I have had another good day today.
I already feel great from yesterday, talking to my sons and feeling like I am actually doing something.

Today I went to see the other man. His car was there and I knocked on the door. No answer. However 20 minutes later my wife called and said have you just been to see OM.
(The coward obviously hid and did not answer)
I confidently replied yes.
She asked who told me where he lived and that OM wanted to know if it was one of his friends because my wife had not told even her closest friend.
I replied I cant tell who told me as it was told in confidence.(I just found out from snooping)
She went mad, saying I was going mad and that she no longer had any respect for me and would never come back, then hung up.

Later she called back ref. kids and I took the chance to say that I did not go there for her. I went for me and that I already new she did not have any respect for me otherwise we wouldn't be where we are today.

I have no intention of going to see OM again. I think my visit had its desired effect, maybe even more so.

The real reason she was so upset and mad today was because she went home to see our sons and our eldest told her to "f*** off" he did not want to speak to her.

This even offered me the chance to show some love, saying it was because he was old enough to know the full impact of what she was doing and not because he really hated her, I consoled her and told her she would not loose her sons.

She responded in a far less agressive way and seemed calmed by me.

I have spoken with my eldest son and said of course he has the right to be angry but could he not be too agressive as my goal was to return her to the family and not make her think that she couldn't come back.

All day I was able to keep a calm but confident voice.

What a day.
I have done things towards my goal, even though I know I am a long way off yet.

My plan now is just to be there. She has said that she will not be sitting and watching TV with me or doing anything else couples do.
Thats fine.
I am at home
my sons are at home and
my wife will be at home atleast most of the time.

I have decided to join a pool league and a friendly poker night covering 2 nights a week so as not to get under her feet, but also ensure she must spend more time at home with our sons.

Aswell as this I have decided to finish decorating our house to keep me busy and make it more inviting to her.

Now I am just going to sit back and not make judgements or ask lots of questions or pressure her. Make her feel its ok to be at home and not the trauma she was expecting.
Sometimes of course I will be baby sitting my son whilst she goes to OM, but I think I can handle that. And every now and then I will just be unavalible.(maybe this will add pressure to the affair)

Thank you so much for all your help.
I will keep you posted.

ps exposure complete, except for OM's side of family as I can't get info.

Good job, JD! I would only STRONGLY SUGGEST that you make CERTAIN to convey to your boys that adultery IS IMMORAL. this is the MOST IMPORTANT PART of the message! They must get moral guidance from you about the immorality of adultery lest they will just believe it is another "option." You don't want them to grow up to be adulterers. Adultery is WRONG, it is immoral, and it destroys families. Please make this very clear to them or they will be morally confused. It will be your mission, as their father, to give them good, sound, MORAL GUIDANCE.

Secondly, I hope that you continue to try to speak to punk boy. If punky won't run from you like the yellow coward he is, it would be good for you to ask him man to man: "what are your intentions with my wife?" Tell him you intend on fighting for your marriage. Give him a chance to ansewr that question to your face LIKE A MAN. Seeing your face will help him humanize you by putting a face to a name. This might be hard, though, becuase he is a cowardly punk who is likely to burst into tears if he doesn't run from you. If he cries, just hand him your hanky.


Tell her that she needs to arrange a sitter for her affair visits and that the children should be told the reason she needs a sitter. Don't ACCOMODATE her adultery, jmelt! Make this as difficult as possible for her. I would also insist that she NEVER speak to this punk from your HOME. She needs to take her affair conversations away from you and your children.

YES YOU CAN!!! It's just hard but you are going to find a way to do it. Put more pressure on their little fantasy by telling everyone on OM's side. It might be his mother/father, siblings, friends, clients, etc don't think too much of him seeing a married woman and destroying a family. FIND A WAY!!!!

jdmelt,

How did OM know it was you? I would question her on that piece because did she point you out or does he worry about any man who knocks on his door (i.e. he maybe doing more than 1 WS?).....hm.... That type of reverse babble could put a kink in the A. LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Next time, I wouldn't be so quick to give her an answer. When my WS would try to pry (he thought he was being clever), I learned to reverse babble (RB) so that I gave him even more to wonder about.... that helped!!

Imagine how their A went....they used to scheme about how to harm our family (that's what WS' & OPs do).....now they were spending their precious time wonder what I was up to. LOL!!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

oops, did I say "man to man?" I meant MAN to punk! MY BAD!

Melody is right. Don't babysit while she is "dating". It will be very hard on your self-esteem and she won't respect you. Don't do ANYTHING (including financially) to enable the affair.

Great job!

I totaly agree with believer:
"Spend time doing family things together. If your wife goes to see the other man, SHE misses out. SHE will be the one on the outside, conducting a sleazy affair."

Tonight after midnight is prime time for the Perseid meteor showers!!!

Take your family out of town (away from light polution) with some lawn chairs, blankets, hot cocoa... IF WW doesn't want to go with the family just leave her home!

Oh and you might try taking turns making wishes on the shooting stars! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Also, even if your WW threatens to move out, OM might not want her to move in with him. Apparently he's too afraid of you to even open the door LOL so imagine how terrified he'd be if he knew that you knew your wife was inside with him?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

And no matter how angry your wife is acting over your visit to see him, you have just revealed to her what a spineless coward he is LOL.

So let's see, she has a man willing to fight to keep her in his life, marriage, family... and a punk too scared to even answer the door... EXCELLENT work!!!

Oh and GOOD call not revealing your source!!!!! Now she's got to be wondering WHO ratted them out LOL.

(When I found out OW's phone number and called her my WH demanded to know how I found out and I told him just look around your office - there are LOTS of people pretending to your face that what you're doing is OK but they obviously don't approve because they've been calling me to tell! LOL

Hi Jdmelt,

I have been reading your post and its very similar to my own. You are getting some sound advise here so please try and take it on board. I know its very hard not to react, but it happens. If you want to see the damage it causes just look at my post.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...=2&fpart=14

I hope this gives you the link. Try reading it backwards and you will see what happens when you loose it. It isn't going to be easy when you are living with your WW and she comes and goes with OM. I can a sure you. I, like you thought just being back at home was enough, but it extremely hard not to loose it and create LB's.

You need to keep reading your thread to remind yourself of what advice you have been given and you must study SAA at the very least and read as much as this website as you can.

I am in the UK and there is becoming a few of us on this site that I have noticed in the short period I have been here.

If you want to contact me then feel free. Sometimes with the time difference waiting for a reply can be agonizing. My email address is [email]chrismccallum@blueyonder.co.uk.[/email] If after that you would like to talk I will give you my mobile number. I not a pro but I think I'm on your wavelength and they say a problem shared is a problem halved.

If in any of this I can steer you away from some of the damage I've done myself then I'll be happy.

Regards
HAF

Hi Again,

One other thing, I was given some sound advice from one of the pros here who unfortunately has now left about writing to the school. Yes I know it the summer holidays, but write one in anyways. Just write that your family is going through a marriage crisis at the moment and that you are doing everything you can to stabilize the home and that should you boys show any signs of stress they are to contact you. Something along those lines. You also need to start writing a diary making notes of daily things like washing, ironing, taking kids to school, meals you have where WW won't attend. Anything that builds up a picture of whats happening. The courts are different here to the US, but it may work in your favour. I would also look at becoming the main carer of your boys. Don't think you can't do it you can. Start by listing when and where you need child care and see if you can adjust your work times. I know your boys are older, but if she has been the main carer she will expect to continue in that role and it could be more costly for you later. I started thinking she would just have my boys, but now I am pushing for joint residence.

Anyway enough babble from me. You have enough to think about, starting with a great Plan A and sticking to it.

HAF