Hi all

Advice needed.
My wife is forty so I thought I would look up 'MIDLIFE CRISIS' on the net.
I was very suprised what I found, particularly the article below.

I thought my wife might find it enlightening.
Of course at this stage I am not the person to give to her so I thought I would ask a friend of hers to show her saying she supported her but was worried for her and would she read this article.

Do you think this a good idea.
the article.



"Coping with Mid-Life Crisis

Many adults in our society today are facing what has been called the "mid-life crisis." This experience is not unlike the upheaval that takes place during adolescence, when changes in physical, social, and emotional characteristics can cause a crisis of identity. In middle years, a person has to face the reality of frustrated vocational goals, waning physical strength, and personal dreams which may never be fulfilled. These frustrations take a heavy toll on a marriage. One partner may even center all the dissatisfaction in the marriage relationship itself, blaming the other spouse for the lack of personal fulfillment and happiness. The "if-it-weren't-for-you" attitude may result in efforts to break out of what is viewed as a restricting, empty relationship, so that the partner may move on to more exciting and fulfilling experiences.

These feelings do not arise overnight. Usually they have built up over a period of years because of a lack of communication and mutual concern for the relationship. After the birth of the children, a couple may experience a shift in their relationship. They may begin to relate to each other primarily as mother and father, neglecting the vital roles of husband and wife. As the children grow up, the couple are forced back to dependence on each other for fulfillment and intimacy. But after many years of relating only through the children, it is difficult to become lover and companion once again. Another factor may be the simple process of physical aging. The passing years may create a kind of "last chance" panic, in which an individual fights growing old. Such persons must prove to themselves and the world that they are still attractive and capable of competing with the younger set. They may begin to dress more youthfully, associate with younger persons, and become involved in more energetic activities.

The panic may also express itself in various kinds of compulsive behavior: drinking, drug dependency, or excessive patterns of work or recreation. All too frequently this compulsive behavior also includes sexual infidelity. The mate of past years may be viewed as a hindrance or barrier to personal fulfillment. In an effort to recapture the past, the individual may enter into an affair or a series of sexual encounters. S/he may move out of the home, file for divorce, or simply continue the affair and expect the spouse to accept it. Whatever the specific situation, patience, understanding, and wise action can enable a person to meet and deal with the conflict. It must be handled with sensitivity and optimism. There are years of shared experiences and feelings which can be called upon as a resource for salvaging the marriage and one's own personhood.

There are several practical steps which should be considered.

First, a physical checkup is in order. For both male and female, the physical changes which occur in mid-life have a definite effect on behavior. Metabolism or the hormonal balance may need to be stabilized. Sometimes slight strokes manifest themselves in uncharacteristic behavior. There could be other physical factors as well. So if at all possible, insist on your spouse obtaining a complete physical.
Second, seek counseling. Understanding is the first step to remedy. A counselor can view the situation objectively and help both of you to understand and cope with your feelings. Even if your partner will not go, go by yourself. A pastor, church counselor, or Family Service organization would be good resources for this kind of guidance.
Finally, be open to the possibility of a need for change in your own life. This does not mean that harmful or inappropriate behavior should be placidly accepted. But insofar as these actions are signals of deeper needs, you may be able to learn from them so that you can help your spouse meet those needs in better ways. You may need to give your spouse room to expand and explore. You might need to encourage new interests and activities, and even participate in these and perhaps develop your own. It is important to realize that you can be independent without sacrificing mutual interdependence. This may give you the basis for rekindling some of that lost communication. Most of all, love is needed.
Letting your mate know that his/her happiness and fulfillment are important to you, too, and that your relationship together is important enough to you to fight for it, may call him/her to a sense of responsibility and may awaken a desire to give the marriage another chance."



The description from my eyes is exactly my wife although of course she may not think so.

Interested in your opinions.

Thanks

The description sounds just like the garden variety wayward we see here every day. It really doesn't matter WHY she is having an affair, jd, what matters is how we SOLVE the problem. We solve it by using Marriage Builders principles.

I wouldn't show her this article, it will not get through the fog and will only come across as an attempt to educate her. In fact, if she has any snap at all, she will just use it to RATIONALIZE her sleazy behavior.

JDMelt:

I read this:

"I have decided to join a pool league and a friendly poker night covering 2 nights a week so as not to get under her feet, but also ensure she must spend more time at home with our sons."

And thought.... BAD IDEA.

Why do you want to leave your house now? Stay Home. Underfoot? SHE'S the UNCOMFORTABLE ONE. Let her be Uncomfortable.

Sign up for something to do with the boys TOGETHER with YOU. And do THAT. Something that she can participate in as well, if she wants to.

That what we talk about doing fun things. Not just for YOU, but for the whole family. And WW feels left out...

And if you Plan A properly, then she will begin to feel more comfortable at HOME.

And knock on OM door again. Go in a Friends car, and have him knock, and you then go up to the door when he answers.

And you have a witness.

LG

jd, LG is exactly right. You both need to find MUTUAL recreational activities in order to fall in love again. Your leisure time should be spent with her.

If you are "getting under her feet" then stop being annoying. Stay home and learn to stop doing that. Instead, spend 15 hours a week meeting each others needs.

Agree also about going back to the OM's house. Go have a man to punk chat with him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Stop trying to fix and control her.

Throw the article away.
Don't manipulate your schedule to force into spending time at home.

Get to work on YOU. Fix the vulnerabilities in the marriage that left her open to the affair.

I hear all that you are saying.

At home the atmosphere is huge. She does not want to look at me or talk to me except when boys envolved.

She will not sit in the same room or go anywhere with boys and me.
I have asked calmly if we can do anything about the atmosphere. She replied I will not Watch tv, eat, or go anywhere with you, I will not do any couple things.
I worry for my boys in this atmosphere.
She has said if I am in then she will go out, this is no way to live. I cannot stand the pressure.
I am not asking her to come back to me or to think again but I get the impression she thinks when I say anything that that is what I am trying to say.

If she goes to OM everytime I am in, then that is why I thought of going out more so she spent time with kids. Otherwise I am just a doormat and babysitter.

She has said that I cannot make her leave the house, so I can tell all my friends what a ****** she is leaving our sons. I obviously have no intention of making her leave, its just my pressence that makes her so mad.

Any thoughts

JDmelt,

Ok, you asked for thoughts so here are mine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

She claims she can't even do civil things with you (i.e. watch TV w/u, etc.), so why would you and your family want to have such a character in your home?

Separate from the WS, gather your family and ask them if it is proper for any family member to do bad things and then shun other family members. Don't name names, just give a general scenario. Watch their responses. You know what the answer s/b.

Then confront her with the verdict. She will accuse you of using the children against her. In reality she is using them as a shield against you to force you and the children to allow her to enable her A. Doesn't that make you angry? It should. But instead of doing something foolish, take that anger and refocus it into something constructive. Start taking protective action in behalf of your family.

She needs to leave. Don't keep a disrespectful adulterous one in your home.

L.

Hi
I hear your words but I cannot force my wife to leave home.

The house is hers to, besides I want a chance to show her what she would be missing first and am hoping that the aggression is just because of disclosure to kids and all.And because of my visit to the OM.

JD, maybe I missed it, but has this affair been exposed to your wife's family, your family and the OM's family? If so, was it done by yourself?

And will you be going back to have a firm chat with the OM? I believe he may need some "guidance" from you.

Hey JD - Of course your presence makes her mad! Every time she see's you, she's reminded of how wrong HER actions are!

Keep up the good work! This is why it's important that you study up on what you need to be doing while you are in Plan-A... and learn some of the reverse babble to say back to her when she get's nasty with you...

Show her your best side and don't worry about her moving in with the OM... Try to keep things as "normal" as you can around the home, but don't leave just so she'll be "comfortable"... she should be uncomfortable!

Semper Fi,

RIF

JD, your boys will need to see you taking some action about this. For example, exposing her affair to family members and speaking to the OM. I would do everything in your power to make her affair as difficult as possible. If you sit there and do nothing, they will think men are supposed to sit quietly and take abuse and disrespect.

They will also think it is acceptable for women to act like cheap ho's. How sad your boys have to see their own mother behaving in such a degrading manner. What are their thoughts on seeing their mother behave this way?

Hi

Yes I have personally exposed on top of her exposing to my family, my friends, her friends, her family, the kids and been to OM twice who will not open the door.
Still trying to tace OM's family.

Insite on babble.
How do you distinguish between babble and real feelings.

cheers

Thank you for your reply

I must stress that she says it is over etc etc etc
She will not give me the time of day.
I cannot get her to do anything as a family. Even asking seems to LB ing.






She says affair has nothing to do with us and that she wanted out a long time ago but stayed for the kids.

Just being at home seems anger her so much.

Can I get past this stage.
It is all very well saying do not put up with the A but what can I do about the A.

She says she wants to live like flat mates until it is possible to sell the house.(that is 1 year)
I have no intention of letting her sell the house by the way but was saving this bombshell for much later.


Perhaps I need to give her some time to get over ther anger of expose

Hi JD,

Her anger will calm down and then she'll go off on one, try and hang tight. I know more than anyone how difficult it is as I have lost it numerous times. Have you tried to get some legal advice from a solicitor specialising in Family Law, or better still try contacting a family mediator.

She can't sell the house without your agreement, if it is in both names.

If you are sleeping in the bed then where is she sleeping?

Have you cut off her financially?

If you are only just into Plan A then it will take time for her opinion to change, but keep trying everything you can in Plan A.

I'm 5 months into my situation and my WW won't stop her A. I stay at my brothers when I'm at work and my WW stays with her parents when I'm off and with the kids. That way I don't loose it with her. I still keep the house tidy, do the ironing and washing and keep on top of everything even though she isn't here when I'm here. I'm still pushing Plan A as best I can. However, I'm wanting to hit Plan B very soon, but this may not be the case with you.

My WW said in the beginning that we would have to live separately in the house, but it won't work. The pressure is getting to her as it's getting to you. If you can hang tight she may leave. I told my WW that our family consisted of me , her and our 2 boys and if she didn't want to be part of it she could leave. Only through me shouting is she agreeing to leave, but I expect her mind to change.

Your WW hasn't thought this through like all WS and just expects you to accept things her way. As its not going her way she is getting angry and annoyed.

Has she said why she won't move in with OM if that is what she wants.

Mine couldn't OM lives with his parents.

Drop me an email if you want. I'm a little further down the path than you and would hate to see you do what I've done. You really need the patience of a saint going through what you are going through, but everyone has a limit. Try and hold your temper and really push Plan A. Take the kids out rather than sit in the house, find out what they want to do and see if you can do things with them. Anything Swimming, bike riding, Playing on a playstation anything that keeps you away from her when it starts getting tough.

Regards
HAF

D day was only three weeks ago.

On the night she said she would move out but I just thought she would move in with him, so I moved out.

I rectified this and came back just5 days ago.
I moved into the spare room.
Many people have told me I should be in main bedroom and she in spare room but I think this to be petting and giving her more reasons to hate me.

I have not cut her of financially for the same reason and because we need both incomes for bills etc.
We have 2 businesses one in her name and one in mine. Mine supplies hers and it is where we get our cash for expenses from.

I was leaving cutting her of for if she left.

She has said she won't move out because of our sons.
And the affair isn't important its just over between the two of us.

Regards
jdmelt

If she touches the stove and jumps back and says "ow"--that is a real feeling. If she laughs at your joke, or your son's joke--that is a real feeling. Any time you see her acting like you remember her to act--those may be real feelings.

She says the affair doesn't really matter, that the two of you are just "over". So she is having an affair with another man, upsetting her boys, upsetting her family life for something that doesn't really matter. I think that you can pretty safely assume that most all of what she says related to her feelings about relationships and reasons for her behavior are all wayward spouse babble at this point in time.

Resume your life as if none of this was going on.
Sleep in your bed. If that makes her leave, so be it.

Plan meals and activities for your boys. Allow her to join you as long as she is decent. If not, she's not welcome.

Encourage her to leave if she is so uncomfortable.
What she is trying to do is manipulate YOU into leaving.
That plays right into her hand...she wants to be a "good mommy"; the kind that doesn't leave her children.
However, the reality is that you haven't done anything wrong and there is no reason for you to be uprooted.

Do anything you can in terms of meeting her needs or showing changes in your behavior. Just do it. Don't TALK about it or try pointing it out to her.

Plan A for a man should be short term. Try to do it for a month. But if she leaves; go to Plan B immediately.

Be consistant, calm, strong, confident. Be a man she would be attracted to. Do not beg, plead, whine, cry.

Expose to OM's family and friends.
Continue showing up at his house (what a little worm, by the way!!!)

Don't listen to her words. She is trying to talk you out of loving her. She wants you to get over her. She is spewing GARBAGE right now. Ignore it all.

You know the truth of your relationship. She is an ALIEN inhabiting your wife's body.

I completely agree with Lexxy. The object of this is to make her AFFAIR WORLD uncomfortable for her. If you make it nice and easy for her to have her affair and still live a "normal" life, then what will prompt her to change?

People change only if something influences them to change.

If you cater to her, you're justifying and telling her that what she's doing is ok. If you let her suffer HER consequences for HER actions, then you're setting the stage for the end of the affair.

Treat her wonderfully...when she deserves it. If she treats you badly, don't accept it. Take steps to remove her from your presence when she does that.

Move back into the master bedroom, carry on as though there is no affair. When she gets angry, simply tell her that its your house too, and you'll darn well sleep where you WANT to. If SHE doesn't like it, its her option to sleep elsewhere. If she tries to make a fight of it...walk away. When she stops acting like a jerk, then resume life as if nothing happened.

Here's another tactic for you when she's angry and upset. The louder she gets...the quieter you get. When she starts screaming and yelling, just sit there and let her rant. When she's done, sit there a while longer...think about if there's any truth in what she said. Don't respond in anger...LISTEN AND THINK. Then, QUIETLY, respond only to what's true or accurate. If all she says is garbage, simply QUIETLY echo it back to her. Let her know you heard her...but don't escalate with your voice. The louder she gets, the quieter you get, and the longer you pause before you respond. Make sense?

Oh, and the next time she says that the problem is NOT the affair? Challenge her to prove it. Tell her to prove it to you by ending contact with OM for 3 months. NO contact at all for 3 months. If the affair isn't an issue, then not seeing him for three months shouldn't be anything, right?

Question

Its is our wedding anniverary tomorrow but I know from a friend that she is going away with OM and a group of friends for weekend to a festival.

Do I do anything for the anniversary.
i.e. a card, flowers or anything.


p.s. I have moved home,, I am there.
I moved into spare room, it seemed petty to insist that I had the main bedroom. And I thought it would case too much atmosphere for my sons.

Anniversary is a celebration to commemorate a special occasion.

Why celebrate with a WS who really wasn't there for the wedding? Instead you can celebrate with your family.

Of course that's your choice.

JMHO,
L.