jdmelt,

My God. What a crap situation you are in. You have my heartfelt sympathy. I haven't managed to read all your thread so my apologies if my response seems inappropriate.

Personally I couldn't tolerate her carrying on the affair like that and would kick her out (provided I could afford to). Is there any particular reason why she shouldn't come back from the festival to find her belongings in the street and the locks changed on the doors? Why should you be enabling her to carry on like this?

Also, I understand the OM hasn't been exposed yet. Why not?

Isn't it time for dark Plan B?

Just my humble opinion. Maybe the experts will advise differently.

MW,

I agree about plan B but JD has to have his mind and heart in sync. Not sure if he is at that place yet.

JMHO,
L.

L,

See what you mean but my heart bleeds for him having his nose rubbed in it like that. I just think that there must be a limit to the damage a BS can sustain without going under. Individual threshold for each person of course.

I pray that I don't get into his position. It must be really tough.

MW

I understand your points about plan B but I cannot force her out of her own house and besides I havn't done plan A yet

You haven't started Plan A yet? Why not?
What the delay?

And noooo do not recognize an anniversery that she is spending with another man.

Ask her who is going to keep the kids while she goes away with OM, because you are NOT.

Right

please reed carfully, special help needed.

Exposure complete, everyone.
Moved home.

Living in same house. Wife says it is over, the end.
Cannot make wife leave and donot think its a good idea for me to leave.

She spends maybe 3 nights a week with OM.

Help
Is there anything else I can do to quicken the end of the A.

Things are a little more pleasant at home. She will sit and watch TV with sons and I. And occasionally text me to see if I want dinner when she is cooking for our sons, but still seeing OM.
I am taking no signs from this behaviour apart from she is trying to make best of situation for her.(no conflict, no problems)

I am in PLAN A

Being reasonable, no love busting, try to pinpoint her emotional needs. All with the stree of her seeing OM.

I cant see a way to change this situation.

Anyone out there.

POS OM exposed completely? friends, family, church, work, etc??

R U ready to go to plan B? This enabling stuff is getting sickening.

L.

Hey

exposure fully complete.

Please I am a desparate man insults really unhelpful.

How do I go to plan B, I cant get her out of house.

I think I am right that I should not leave.

Please

Make the affair less comfortable for her. What are you doing with the kids when she goes out with OM? Stop watching them for her while she's out with him. Tell her why...because you're not going to do anything further to support her affair.

Everyone knows...what was their reaction? Did you ask them for their assistance in getting her to end the affair? Are they willing to do so?

Have you started to seperate the finances so that you're not funding her affair as well?

That's all part of the 'stick' of plan A.

On the carrot...have you started dressing nicer? Wearing cologne/aftershave? Started working out? Started taking the kids out to do FUN things that you know that she'd like to do? It sounds like you're getting the ideas on meeting her EN's and no more LB's...maintain your plan A for a while before you go to plan B.

Plan B should be done after a stellar plan A that leaves her reeling with the loss of you from her life when you go to no contact at all with her.

What else can you do to make her affair painful instead of enjoyable for her? Tell her mom or someone everytime she goes to be with OM? Think about your wife, and think about what influences her...what else can you do? What is she 'getting' from OM? How can you either start giving that to her, or make what she's getting from OM unsatisfactory to her? Get the idea?

Absolutely DO NOT leave YOUR home!!!!

Can you ask an attorney about starting proceedings for a temporary hearing to establish chid custody (you primary, her visitation), use of the home (unbearable for her to shove your face and children's faces in her adulterous affair), financial items, etc.

It seems she is wanting to cake eat, stay at home, be pretend mother to the children, etc while carrying on like a cat in heat with OM. Time to put some reality to her in my opinion. I AM NOT SAYING divorce her, only get with your attorney and give her a dose of reality.

Hi everyone

Sorry I haven't posted for a while, I've been plan Aing and coping.
To recap.
Full exposure complete.
Moved back home and am in main bed while wife in spare room.
Told kids.
Visited other man twice first time he hid and second time opened door and shut it again.

5 weeks since D Day
Wife still seeing other man and insisting our marriage is over.
I know you all said to not be avaliable to look after kids when she goes out, but this is a big problem. Someone has to look after the kids and sometimes I am not in because of work. She is going out usually 3 nights a week.

I have been mostly very calm at home and avoided conflict althought on a few occasions she has tried to start a conflict.
She has told a mutual friend that I am making it hard for her by not getting angry. (what a shame)

She did say yesterday that she asked her father if she could move in with him and he was thinking about it. I am not sure how serious she is.

I have exposed etc. is there anything else I can do to put pressure on the affair without it seeming to come from me or being DJ etc.

I have read a book called 'break free from the affair' which i found helpful. Anyone heard of it or have oppinions.

I realize i should not believe anything she says about us until the affair is ended and she is through withdrawl but she sounds convincing and everyday is so long.

Any input welcome.
Floundering with the thought of no real progress.

Hi,

I was worried about you, glad to see you posted again.

You seem to be doing great in your Plan A. Good job on moving back home AND back into the master bedroom.

It's a very good sign that she confided to a friend that you are makign it hard for her (to justify her adultery) by not getting angry. You must be doing an excellent job at avoiding her attempts to get you to say or do something regretful out of anger. Your kids really do need you to continue to remain calm and to refuse her argument bait.

If she moves in with her father - so what? Don't let her think that you will bargain with her on this - that her pronouncement will in any way put you in the mood to appease her. She's probably hoping you will cave and will tell her she can move back into the master bedroom and you will move out again... Stay put for the sake of your children, yourself, your marriage, and your WW (exactly in that order).

As far as being available to look after kids when she goes out: I have mixed feeling on this. On the one hand you don't want your children to start worrying that BOTH parents are off doing something inappropriate or have abandoned them... on the other hand you don't want WW to take you for granted and to view you as maybe somebody who has no other option than to sit at home waiting for her to return... I think a better plan would be to make more plans to do things with your children that she is welcome to join you with. Some of these things can be you and the kids planning to go somewhere together: movies, hiking, picnicking, fishing, museum, day-trips, over to somebody else's home for dinner, whatever... Sometimes you can just plan fun family nights at home: renting videos, make a crockpot full of chili and invite friends over, invite some relatives and/or friends over to play board games, work on a home-improvement project together, etc. The point is that the family continues with or without her. She can choose to remain and be a part of the family or she can go off with OM. It's a way of confronting her with the choice between her family and the OM - that when she wanders off to be with OM she is choosing to NOT be a part of the family and the fun family event planned for that evening. She can't have BOTH. She will have to choose.

And don't cover for her. When the kids and/or the family/friends you are socializing with ask where the WW is, tell them she chose to be with her adultery partner for the evening instead of with her family.

Regardless of whether or not the WW joins in on the family fun nights makes sure that you, your kids, and whatever guests you are with have a fun time. Humor is very healing. Watching funny movies is a good idea at times like this.

Oh and make sure to take some photos of the fun times the family is having without WW and display them on the fridge, send to relatives, etc.

How do the kids feel with knowing their mother is staying at home but going out to see the man who has wrecked their world 3 nights a week??? They are OK with that???

I would change the locks...you are enabling here JD. If you wife is at home, she is working on your marriage and in NC. If she is in an affair, she shoudl not be living in your home. You are sending the WRONG message to your sons here about being a man, marriage, family, everything.

You are helping her to have the affair...is that what you want??

jdmelt,

This is a very tempting course of action. Whilst I agree with Mrs K's sentiments, I notice that you reside in the UK. I recommend that you take legal advice before doing this.

Can you talk to her father to encourage him to not allow her to move in? Let him know again that you are trying to save your marriage and ask him to not encourage the relationshiop between her and OM. If she was able to move out and live with her father, she would have free room and board and that would enable her to continue to live in a fog world with OM. Can you explain it to her father that way? Is there any way that you can make OM uncomfortable? Any exposure possibilities there? Any more than you have already done? Any exposure that would reduce the La La land that they have created and force them to deal with the real world?

How is your Plan A going? Are you doing fun things with your children? Are you looking your best? Smell good, good hair cut, dress well? Are you doing a few fun things on your own? Are you working out?

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. But I am glad that you remain at home for your children.

Any Chance you could call the Harleys for advice?

Thinking of you and your family.

Thanks again for your reples.

Yes I think plan A going well.
I look, smell good. Taken kids camping, friends houses, bbq's etc. wife not coming to anything.
Things in house alot calmer.
She is very cold and cross looking but i am not rising to the bait. I talk pleasantly and look happy.

asking all the pro's
i have no further exposure posibilities but would desparatley like to more activly to end her affair.
any ideas very welcome.

chers

jd,

Time and patience. You have planted the seeds, let them grow and grow. Take good care of the kids, enjoy your time with them, focus on you, your family, and your work. Your W will or will not end this affair, but making it "hard" for her is the best you can do.

Nominal time for affairs is about 6 months, some go longer, some go much longer, some end sooner. You have no control over that. So don't worry about not doing something you should have.

You have done what you needed to do. All that remains is for you to avoid the DJ's , don't raise to the bait, and be a great father to your children. Oh, and get legal advice on what you can and cannot do, and what timing and things need to be accompished, should your W really decide to bail.

Fore warned is fore armed, so arm yourself with knowledge. This stuff is no fun, but give it time and have patience.

God Bless,

JL

The affair continues? How/when is she seeing OM? Is any of your exposure targets putting pressure on her to end the affair? What are you doing to make the affair uncomfortable for her to continue? Not watching the kids while she goes, not funding anything to do with her affair, making contact difficult...all things that you should be doing.