I've been reading Fall in Love, Stay in Love like you both suggested. It is an eye opener that's for sure.

I certainly can see where things went wrong in our relationship and I can see where we have improved. I also now know exactly what I am doing wrong. I am LB more than I realized and in more ways than I thought. This is going to take a lot of work on my part. I've been doing things that I didn't really think were such a big deal and I now see they are. I now know there are times my H is acting like things I do and say are OK and I see why they are not. My H does not like to rock the boat, so to speak. I am being very insensitive and realize just because he doesn't say anything it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt him. I'm not looking forward to the discussion this will lead to.

I asked my H to read it and I do believe he will. I also hope he sees the importance of having a plan in order to make this work well.

I like the idea of planning out the time we need to spend together because that is my #1 need. Since we already spend quite a bit of time together and probably exceed the 15 hours, I thought we were following this. I can see where we are not effectively using the time and with the way we are doing it it's not serving the right purpose.

I'm glad I went ahead and ordered the book based on your recommendation. Thanks again, I do see it to be invaluable tool. It's everything rolled up into a neat little package.

LC

lc, I am so glad you got the book. Dr. Harley is very logical and has a way of putting it all together so it makes perfect sense. And the most surprising thing to me was that it WORKS, brilliantly. When I became a PRO at meeting my H's needs, and eliminating lovebusters, we changed from being in love, to feeling PASSIONATE. And the good feelings just feed on each other.


It might be helpful to print up the article "Giver and Taker" and show him that. As you have perceived, his approach will never lead to happiness. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html

Good luck!

LC,

Glad you found the book to be enlightening.

The secret to making all of this stuff work is to do it rather than just researching and learning it. Dr Harley's method of recovery works because his first goal is to help a couple fall in love with each other all over again. Everything else stems from that basis.

Mark

Thanks. There is actually a chapter on this in the book. I can see where this fits in for us.

My H and I were discusing the book the other day and he proclaimed that he doesn't like the idea of having to plan out the 15 hours a week to spend together. In his opinion it's a set up for conflict if we can't meet the expectaion.

He hasn't yet read the book and I told him once he reads it he may feel differently about it. I think it's going to be hard for me to get him to enthusiastically come up with a plan. He is not a planner at all. I will be out of town next weekend therefore I am going to ask him to read the book while I'm gone. I'm hoping to be able to discuss it once I get home.

LC

In Dr. Harley's opinion, it is the key to building romantic love:

"The "chemistry" in a romantic relationship will last for life if a couple continue to meet each other's intimate emotional needs, and avoid Love Busters. If your husband has fallen in love with someone else, that chemistry will slowly but surely subside as time goes by if he has not contact with that person (the Love Bank leaks!). Eventually he will lose his feeling of love for her. But as you spend 15 hours each week meeting each other's intimate emotional needs, and avoiding Love Busters, your account in your husband's Love Bank will grow until it reaches the romantic love threshold. Then he will be "in love" with you again, and everything I've been trying to motivate you both to do will be quite a bit easier for him. That breakthrough could be right around the corner if you simply continue to follow these lessons.

Once your husband's love for you has been restored, and your husband's love for the OW subsides, she will continue to be a threat because his love can be triggered again if he has any contact. So permanent separation must continue for the rest of your lives. And he can lose his love for you again if you slip back into a lifestyle where you do not spend 15 hours each week for undivided attention.

<snip> The reason I am so convinced that love can be permanent is that Joyce and I have had that experience ourselves for over 42 years. Otherwise, we too might be tempted to conclude that it was impossible. And I've witnessed a recovery of passion in literally thousands of couples. I know what it takes -- 15 hours of undivided attention where you meet each other's needs for affection, intimate conversation, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment. As you know, there are some other considerations as well. But that one factor, the meeting of intimate emotional needs, is so important that once you get that part figured out, you will be well on your way toward marital recovery."

LC, that 15 hrs a week will become the best part of his week after awhile so he should grow to be enthusiastic about it hopefully.

I hope he does see how important it is. I reminded him how important quality time is to me. I also pointed out that we are fortunate because our schedules do allow us to spend this amount of time together, if not more. Right now we spend quite a bit of time together, but I don't think we utilize our time wisely.

LC

I'm being very careful not to make him feel like I am pushing MB's on him, because I feel he will resist if he thinks that is what I'm doing. I hope he read the book while I'm gone. It will allow him to get through it w/o my input to whatever section he is reading.

LC,

Sounds like your job is now to show him how it works.

He is likely afraid that the 15 hours will be spent discussing MB concepts and "working" on relationship issues. Of course this won't be any fun at all.

So SHOW him what you are asking for.

Make plans> Take him on a date. Ask him to take you to dinner or to a movie or a play or ask him for a tour of a new project on campus that he is excited about. Let him spend time with you having fun and when he gets used to the idea, THEN document that you have spent X hours together for the past few weeks and show him how it works.

I just know that he is afraid to agree to it because he sees it as an exercise that he hasn't yet bought into on his own. So instead of educating him by telling him about it, just do it! (Thank you Nike for permission to use that phrase - legal stuff and all that...)

Dr Harley's explanation of how it works is so much better than what I can come up with, so read that section again and implement it on your own.

Yeah, I know, it needs to be scheduled and H won't agree to that. But maybe he will agree to a few dates during the next couple of weeks and then you can show him that it is what has been happening all along. That is when you bring the REI to him and have some fun with that (Rank according to enjoyment - Watching competitive Knitting - Water balloon fighting (Spectator) - Watching grass grow - Cleaning out the gutters - Reading cereal boxes -...They aren't THAT silly, but a few are pretty close IMO)

Mark

Mark,

Thanks for the suggestions, I will set up some dates for us.

LC