Today I received this letter (it was sent certified) from my WH who moved out one month ago to live with OW:

BS
I have not written to you earlier, b/c I did not think I could, at present, without upsetting you. Very simply, I am writing to say that I have missed Zoe and Maggie [our 2 dogs] terribly and would like to see and spend time with them regularly--at least once a week. Please get in touch with me and let me know how we can most easily accomplish this. Despite what has happened, I don't want the dogs to suffer or be punished indirectly, as I am sure the dogs miss me too.

Thank you
WH

I know since I am in plan B not to contact him and I have no intention of doing so. But I cannot tell how much getting this letter has upset me. He is with the love of his freaking life now, so why won't he just leave me alone or give her up and come back?!? I specifically asked him not to contact me until he was ready to give up OW completely and work on our A. I feel so disrespected and angry now...

Come on, wanting to see the dogs? I love them too (they are treated like little princesses BTW), but they aren't kids. This letter reads like some visitation request you'd make for children...

ARRGGH!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

smartiepants2

good job venting here and not back at him. as part of plan b, did you mention a friend or family member that he should have contacted instead of you?

What are you mad about?? PLAN B IS WORKING!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> He misses you and has recognized that the Ho-bag can't meet all of his needs. He needs his smartiepants FIX and wants you to EASE HIS PAIN without having to give up the OW. JUST STAY DARK. Just keep holding out. If you cave and allow contact it will only give him enough of a fix to continue his affair.

Next time he sends you a letter, put it in the shredder without reading it. See how this has upset you?

Agree with what has been said above, especially what ML said about Plan B working.

Your response? No response is necessary. Let him try to contact you. These are dogs, not kids. You are not obligated to do anything on that front. Wait until a judge says what to do about the dogs.

In the meantime, ignore him. If you get a letter again, either shred it or get a friend/relative to open and read it and decide if you need to know what is in it. Most likely not...but you never know!!

Just stay dark. Unlike people with kids...you can do a perfect Plan B with perfect darkness!

Thanks everyone I am calmer now. I guess I reacted so strongly b/c this just hit me out of left field. ML you are so right--I did not have my thinking cap on!

Ashes

I did tell WH in the PBL to contact his sister if he wanted to talk to me about reconciling with the appropriate conditions outlined in the letter. However, he is not speaking to his family now b/c they will not support him in his A with OW and have made it clear to him that he has deeply disappointed them and broken their hearts. My family and most of our other friends we have feel the same way so he has severed a lot of connections (as has OW BTW).

The only two people he does talk to are a couple who are former friends of mine, since they have mde it clear that they support him and his A. I figured they would not make good intermediaries. So I don't have a lot of other options... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

SMartie,

No contact!! Yes, these are dogs, not kids, so it was an excuse. I'm in Plan B too, so we need to encourage each other. We both need to hang in there!!!

See my thread when you get time.....

Well gee, I guess if he wants to talk to you, he will have to talk to them! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He was just testing your seams to see if he could slip through without meeting your conditions. HANG TIGHT, Girl!

Okay, he tried the dog routine, and that didn't work, so be prepared for some other "important" thing to pop up. Stay very dark. Don't read his letters hoping for a little crumb of affection or remorse. That is what I did. I have a whole pile of them. WH used them to justify and excuse his affair. If I were to do it over, I would have tossed them, unread, or never even accepted them in the first place.

believer

You are so right about not reading anything else from him. Since he sent the letter certified I was hoping it was a draft of a SA for me to review. So that was what drug me in. I have already instructed him to send that information to my attorney, so from now on any other mail items get tossed in the garbage unread or left at the post office unsigned.

I also found out the real reason he wants to come over to see the dogs (nothing to do with missing them which is what I suspected)--his OW is trying to set up weekly visitation with her youngest son. Her BH told OW that their son cannot be in the "love nest" or be around my WH. Putting 2 and 2 together, he wanted to come see the dogs so he'd have someplace to go while she was with her child. Still in the user mode...

Wayward jerk!

Hang tight. It is gonna get worse for them!

So here's the update. I am in Plan B nearly 6 weeks. WH left me alone for first 3 weeks. Then I got a letter about him missing and wanting to set a regular visitation schedule to see the dogs (I opened it because it was a certified letter and I thought it was a draft of his proposed LSA--seems he ignored my PBL to commnicate with my attorney about LSA and his sister if he wished to contact me about wanting to reconcile if he was willing to meet my conditions in the letter or other important matters that I needed to be aware of--can't think of what those would be).

Now he is sending emails first weekly, now daily, still requesting to see the dogs (WTF?!)--I took everyone's advice here and blocked the first one that identified it as him and deleted it without reading it. Now he using aliases that are the names of people I know!!! I am really getting PO'd guys. But I will keep ignoring, deleting and blocking.

This is like dealing with a child. And it's getting old...

Any other advice to help me stay dark???

samrtiepants

close your email account.

KA

Duh--why didn't I think of that?

Thanks!

smartiepants

Smartiepants,

Just wanted to say that you are doing GREAT.

Hugs to you!

Katie Mae

Awesome Smartie!!! Stay very dark, let that poor sap suffer!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Smartiepants,

It sounds to me that Plan B is working...granted the dogs are like children, but it sounds like he went to alot of trouble to post that letter....do you realize how long the lines are at the post office sometimes?

I don't know all of your story, but I think you have written before about saving marriages without kids...just wanted to let you know that FWH and I do not have kids and we saved our marriage. I could have walked away....but I tried...not because of history or shared experience...but I needed to know I gave it my all and the vows really did mean something to me. I figured I could always D if it came to that...so hang in there.

As far as how to stay dark in Plan B.....I took out a calendar and had something planned for each day... it was as simple as going to the bookstore or eating out or a bit more....like a spa day. I went even went on vacation to Mexico by myself. It gave me something to look forward to.
Best advice I got on the forum from one of the pros...about Plan B..."treat yourself like a queen." And that is exactly what I did.

I heard it said over and over....stay dark in Plan B because you will need to save your love for recovery. IT IS SO TRUE...at least for me. The A ended on 11/04 after two Plan B's.....it is only in these last nine months that I have felt love for FWH...that means I was draining and then "empty" in the two years in between. Not pretty...but we are getting to happy.

Hope this helps somehow...but keep coming here to vent and plan some activities for yourself. God bless you on this journey. ss