Foreverhers,

Thank you for the response to the other posts. Hi I am the wife of allovercarolina. I do thank you for your biblical advise and I do hope that my BH reads this. Yes I am willing to do whatever I can to put my marriage back together. My BH is going through allot of pain because of what I did. Yes he did some things that I would have never thought that he would ever do, just like he would have never thought that I would do what I did. He, I hope, is trying to get closer to GOD just as I am. I have forgiven him for all of his mistakes. I do hope that he forgives me just as well.
As I said, I do thank you for your post and just like Mark said I am trying just as hard as I can. I do hope that he reads all of the posts that are recent. I would like for all of you to know that I do not want any WBH bashing. I do appreciate all of the suggestions that I got from Mark and BK. If there is anything else that I can help explain please just let me know.
As I said before here, to Mark, and BK, I love my husband very much. He is everything to me even though I messed up. I only pray that he does see that and gives me another chance.

thanks again,
needhelp2

You really do deserve a chance needhelp2. I really wish there were more WW's like you. Your husband doesn't know what he is discarding.

Did you phone Dr Harley on his radio program?

allovercarolina

I am a FWW like your wife, a former cheater like your wife ...... and YOU.
You see no matter what you try to explain or say, a cheater is a cheater is a cheater, until he or she stops and then also works on repairing themselves and their marriage, AND makes restitution to the person they hurt. The restitution can be things like sincere apologies in words AND actions, openness in all you each do and where you go alone, even during work and things like kids sports etc. Its your WHOLE life that must be open.
I suspect your M continued to deteriorate because both of you had not really dealt with your multiple cheating, your M therefore got worse and worse until your wife also wrongly chose to have an affair.

You have to deeply understand and accept that THERE ARE NO EXCUSES for either of you having affairs. NOTHING you did or say is better than or worse than what each other has done to each other. NOTHING!!

allovercarolina, I suspect much of your horror is the feeling that if you accept and forgive the particular action of your FWW its giving quiet approval for such a terrible thing to have been done to you, and that it also has intimations of homosexual actions which makes it even worse for you. I'm not saying that those feelings are not justified either, however, I would suspect deep down your wife also has very deep seated abhorrent feelings of when you came home to her after one of your OW. Don't think for a moment that a shower or for that matter sterilisation in a pool of disinfectant for a month makes ANY partner feel different, they just don't!!! Ask my husband that one!! You see what you did to your wife is not any different. To argue that your committing adultery was not as bad as your wife's is simply sophistry. If you have truly found God again in all this pain, then you will know the fallacy of that argument.

Yes I do feel you sincerely need assistance to get over the particular sex act that occurred because for you its a very real issue and problem, I admit it would be for me as well, as a woman and a person, but worse than a different but equally wrong act in these circumstances??? hard to accept that. Until you do get that help and work through it with some real professional help you are most likely unable to make a balanced life altering decision. So don't make that decision now, get help, find out how to handle that episode.

You cannot repair your M until you have got a good start on fixing those things inside yourself which helped place your M into a place where BOTH of you CHOOSE to have affairs rather than working on issues together.

You both have a real chance to truly start over here, to learn to trust each other again, slowly build a trust in each other where you know you won't hurt each other again.
I will say one thing which is a fact, if you don't at least try, as much as your FWW seems to be trying ( BIGK is no softy on this stuff and not fooled by a pretend FWW who is really still a WW from all I have seen), then you will carry over ALL your problems in this M to any other relationship in the future, with your wife or someone new.

Give this one a real try, yes it will be bleeding hard, and it will hurt, but you are doing that now anyway.

Go for it allovercarolina and contact the Harley's for a start, get moving.

All the best to you both

AW

needhelp2 - We are all willing to try to help, but there really isn't much that we can do or offer if someone chooses not to post.

"Understanding" the hurt and pain caused by infidelity, and "understanding" the revulsion that your husband is feeling, is easy. We can all "sit around" and identify and empathize, but that accomplishes nothing in recovering from infidelity.

Recovery takes work, hard work, difficult work, stressful work, because the first "order of business" is to climb out of the emotional pit and begin to take the first steps to overcoming real events and real hurt and pain. In Christ, we are all overcomers.

For a believer, this is the "test." "Is my pain and hurt, as great as it is to me, greater than that felt by Jesus, who nevertheless, DID what the Father willed to be done SO THAT you and I could find out what real, true, forgiveness is and to begin a "new life" in Christ?"

The past is still there, we WERE "guilty," but we don't have to stay there or "live in the past."

"I CAN do all things through him (Christ) who gives me strength." Reconnect with God? God never stopped being connected to a believer. But we have often CHOSEN to not take His hand and walk WITH Him. That's what being a "carnal Christian" is like. It's also why true repentance is needed and vital to a believer.

I'm hoping your husband, and you, continue to post. Without that, there isn't much that we can do.

God bless.

FEH,

Thank you all for your posts. I know that he needs to post, but he only uses the internet when he comes over here. I hope will check it tomorrow, we have made plans for him to come over here to have supper with us.
I also as well as our counselor believes that he is in a "pit". I do understand his pain. I have never denied that. Our counselor is also a christain counselor and she told us on Friday that the Devil is keeping him in that pit, even though he is going to church, not with us though.
I do admit that we had gotten away from GOD and that I think what led to our problems. I still hold faith that he will see that I am a good person and I will be good, faithful, and honest to him. He says that he believes me when I say that. He says that he needs time to sort everything out.

Aussie's Wife had a great post too. I did not know about his things until after he knew about my thing. He said that we would work all of these things out because I forgave him for his things. I forgive him and do not regret ever doing this so quick. Yes it bothers me to think that he shared himself with someone else just as it bothers him. I do try not to think about the stuff that I know because it will not do any good to sit and ponder these things. I hope that he remembers that I did forgive him and have not thrown it up to him.
AW, you said that he cannot repair our M until he repairs himself, I think that is what he is doing. I do hope that when he does this, he will come home to me. About a week ago our counselor told us that it can take anywhere from 2months to 5 years(extreme case). He asked me later that night what did I feel about that if it took him 6 months to a year. I told him that I would be here waiting faithfully for him to come home. He said you really mean that, because I really need to believe that. I said yes and I meant it.
I have not had any contact with OM since middle of April and do not intend to. My focus has been on my husband and showing him that I am very remorseful for what I did. And that I can be that wife that he thought I was before and will always be that wife. He says that his image of me that he had for years was broken. but like the other poster said, I hope that he will see that GOD can remove all the flaws and rebuild it into a vessel worthy of His service. (Me and the M).

I want to make something clear also, If I misinterpreted this please excuse me. Aussie's Wife stated that I was still a WW, I am NOT. But thank you for all of your time and posting.

needhelp2 - okay, at the risk of stepping on some toes, let me say that while your counselor's opinion might be right, another opinion might be closer to the truth.

It's "easy" to blame the devil for a lot of things, but imho staying in the "pit" is a "self doing," not a "devil doing."

You see, for believers the PROMISE of God is that if you resist the devil, he WILL flee. The reason is that we don't resist on our own, we resist with God. One of the steps in doing that is humble obedience to God no matter what we are feeling if those feelings might prompt us to disobey God's will.

Can we agree for a minute that in all likelihood, you have both been a little "slack" in the "humble obedience" department?

Whenever we, all of us, take our eyes off of God and make ourselves the "center," our innate human nature can easily take control of our thoughts and actions. The "way" to get out of that is put our eyes back on God and commit to following Him no matter how it seems. The thing to remember here is that God is FAITHFUL and will "make good" on His promises to those who turn to Him. But if we want to "do it our way," He will also let us do that and wait patiently to pick up the pieces when we are through "playing god" ourselves and are ready to submit our lives to Him. That is both the danger and the blessing of the Free Will that God gave us. He wants us to surrender our will to His voluntarily and will not force us to do so.

This is the key thought to remember, because it was the beginning of all sin and remains as the one "big lie" that continues to seek to deceive us, and IS of the devil's doing:

"God didn't REALLY mean what He said, did He?"

How we answer that question is very important, in many ways, not the least of which are God's promises to believers who have experienced the results of willful sin.

Romans 8:29-29 is passage you should both look up and read.

Then read Philippians 4:13

The devil? He is stronger than us, but he's woefully short of God's power. And it's God's power that is available to us IF we want to avail ourselves of it.

God bless.

p.s. You and your husband might find the thread in my sig line to be helpful to each of you too. You might want to read it if you can take some time.

needhelp2 - I think you misunderstood what AW said - she called you a FWW, not a WW. She said *I* am not fooled by WW's pretending to be FWW's - In other words, she said that if I see you as a FWW then you most probably are.

Did you phone Dr Harley?

FH is giving you some excellent advice here.

This


Really is the crux of the issue.

BK,

Thank you for clearing up the misunderstanding, Like I said If I took it wrong then I apologize.
No I did not get a chance last week to call the Harley's, I got tied up with the children back to school and helping in the office here at home. But I do plan to call tomorrow.

Thank you again

Hi needhelp2

I'm sorry you got FF mixed with FWW as in former <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I sometimes forget that all the Acronyms here can be so confusing for a long while.

I do hope your H does really work on his issues as well as you on yours, its just so important. I pray you are both able to eventually work together to build a new M.

Please follow the advice to contact the Harley's, it would also be so good if your H would also do that.

Hope things can improve

with care


AW

AW,

thank you and like I said I misinterpreted the acronyms also. BK also cleared that up as you can see.
I do pray that he sees that we can build a new M and sees that I am sincere and being honest and faithful. I told him the otherday that I would be here waiting on him. He has asked that I not pressure him, I am trying. But after 15yrs of M it is hard to call him and not ask, "hey whatcha doing" or "whatcha do today". It is very hard to not come off as being pushy or sound like I am giving him 20 questions.

He is a good man even though we both have problems personally and together. I do hope that with some time he will work through his problems as well as me and come back to me.

I am praying that GOD gives me the patience and him as well.
Thank you for all the posts and please continue the prayers.

NH2

I'm pretty sure my wife had sex w/ OM and me during the same day. Mostly during thier affair she would not let me go down on her, but I couldn't say for sure that the same thing didn't happen to me. She gave me his herpes as a recurring friendly reminder of thier time together as a bonus.

I don't know how to deal with the thoughts associated with all this. I hope someday to be able to answer your questions. Just know, you aren't alone in this.