So ...
Here I am. 6 ish months after D-day, 5 ish months into MB plan A & 5 ish months since NC-day, apparently there was 1 txt between them in the early days but nothing since.

We're still together & getting along OK. I've got her top EN's covered: conversation, affection - giving it as well as receiving, the family thing (her number 1), respectability (?!), domestic support, etc., etc.; she's providing me some of mine but is still falling far short on what I'd like to see in the honesty & openness stakes. I'm also addressing my LB's - a work in progress that I expect to be never-ending - as & when I discover what they are.

She confessed a couple of days ago to having feelings for me that she never had before nor believed she ever could have (behold the power of plan A - it really does work). Of course there's always a fly in the ointment; this time it's not F?WW or OM: it's me. I find myself firmly planted in the last stage of Bob Pure's 10 stages of a BS:


I find myself deeply dissatisfied with the M. We have not yet decided on whether to attempt recovery; on W part she's getting herself fixed (in IC) before she turns her attention to the M, I was very much up for it but now finding all this very draining - I'm beginning to have doubts about my decision to try & save the M. This is affecting my plan A which has pretty much all but whithered. She also expressed concerns about her leaving me behind with the healing - she says she's nearly put all the A stuff to bed whereas I clearly haven't. I resisted the urge to ejaculate a stream of obscenities & punch the big red 'eject' button & D her there & then; I stated my feelings on the matter & walked away.

Time is biting now; it may be too soon for F?WW to consider R but if it's left much longer it will be too late for me. I'm considering asking her this evening to put Friday evening aside for a 'Q&A' session; gives us both time to prepare for it & the w/e to recover from it.

Another thing that I'm unclear on is plan B. My plan B launch date is looming but I'm not sure whether it's appropriate given that the A is over & everything is pretty much as is should be; the only thing I'm missing is a firm commitment to the M from F?WW (?! not insignificant I know !?) but then she's addressing scores of issues in IC rather than simply stalling or waivering. Advice on how to jolly her along is invited.

It's been an interesting 6 months.

b.p.m.

Hi B.P.M,

Sounds like you and your W are tracking... I'm an "old timer" here but haven't posted in a while. I met Bob Pure on my last deployment in 2004 and spent many an evening with him here on the MB forum...

Rebuilding your M takes lots of time... for now, don't expect your W to meet any of your ENs. If she's meeting some, that's great... but I suspect that she's still trying to sort out her own feelings.

The NC for 6 months is a huge plus... and the longer she stays in NC, the better off you both will be. This is a concrete action that you can continue to monitor as you continue rebuilding.

Have you asked your W if she is committed to you and the M? If she says that she is, and her actions (100% NC) match her words, then you will slowly start to regain a little bit of trust.

Most WW/WH want to put everything behind them and "move on". This is very common. Don't let this fact influence your thoughts to move to Plan-B. Plan-B is for when your WS refuses to end the A. If you have committed to rebuilding the M, and your W is committed (even though her actions may not be showing it) to rebuilding the M, then this is just a period of time where you have to focus on what you can do to make yourself better, and not expect anything from your W right now.

I know this is hard... and it sure doesn't go by very quickly... but if you'll recognize that you guys are way ahead of the pack because of her NC, and that she is going to want to "move on" more quickly than you, and that for now, you can't depend on her to meet ANY of your needs, then you'll be much better off.

Eventually, your W will get to a point where she will start to meet some of your needs... but for now, it's a hard pill to swallow.

Keep up your Plan-A and forget about Plan-B... it sure sounds like you guys are on the right track.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hi Bullet,

Its good to see you post again. I think RIF is spot on. Think back to D-day and how far you have come and what you have had to do to get there. It would be a huge waste of time and effort if you throw the towel in now. If she has ended the affair and is looking at R then there is no need to go to plan B, you are achieving everything you needed to in your Plan A. It must be hard getting to where you are and not getting the commitment you want, but you have come a long way and that must feel good.

Have you tried talking to the Harley's, it may be worth a little direction from them.

All the best
HAF

What if the affair is over, but not due to WS choice? For instance, my WS has tried to contact AP a number of times since D-Day and received no response. Would the inability to agree to NC even though there is technically NC be enough to prompt a Plan B?

Bullet-

This is why they say it takes years for a marriage to recover from infidelity. And that stage you're currently at is right on the money for being at six months into recovery. It will fade over the next month or so...and then come back again hard right at the year mark, when you start seeing all those anniversary dates of the affair, d-day, etc... Then it fades...and comes back AGAIN right around the eighteen month mark...and that was my last real trigger period.

Try to batten down, weather through it. TALK with your wife about what you're feeling. Make it clear to her that its NOT unusual, it doesn't mean that you've not forgiven her, nor does it mean that you can't/won't recover. It is all part of normal marital recovery after infidelity.

BHH-

Good question. I'd like to suggest that you start your own thread, and include background information on your situation and we can try to tailor advice to you specifically. Make sense?

I've started a new thread titled Affair is over for OP but not for WS

Thanks everyone for your replies,

I ask the plan B question as I'm unsure what the MB approach is when the A has ended but the WS has not committed to R; my F?WW has not committed anything to me or the M despite the A being over. Admittedly there are mitigating circumstances as she is addressing her own issues in IC & wants to be sound before considering R (or D). My understanding is that plan B starts when the WS doesn't end the A & commit to the M; where does 50% come in the "to B or not to B" reckoning??

RIF: thanks for stating the obvious fact (that I'd lost sight of - I can't see the wood for the trees sometimes) that FWS's are keen to put distance between them & the A. I must not forget (nor let WW forget) that although we experienced the same event, the impact is markedly different for each of us - the recovery will be also; her assertion that I should be healing at the same rate she is is bogus.

Owl: I didn't make the link between the 6 month mark & my feelings (I don't have any ability for spotting the obvious at the moment). I spoke to W about my feelings, her response was "Oh no not this again, I'm emotionally exhausted" & off she trotted upstairs with a basket of clean laundry. Hmmmmph.

HAF: Haway man. Still about although I'm very busy at the mo. I still read your thread but I'm blighted by the "invalid form" on the odd occasion I try to post (have you noticed how it never happens if you ctrl-A ctrl-C first - almost as if it knows it can p you off).
F?WW has not committed to M yet which is my problem, I may take your advice & ring the Harley's.

BHH: Welcome to MB & sorry you're here. IMHO if a WS doesn't do NC under their own steam it doesn't count for much; the other side of the coin is that you have been gifted an advantage, you should exploit it & plan A your [censored] off. (I'm going for my level 4 certificate in fence-sitting soon <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

Thanks everyone,

b.p.m.

Hi BPM,



IMHO, since you are the BH, it's YOUR decision to stay in the M and rebuild, or D. I'm assuming that you have decided to fight for your M, is that correct?

If so, then you must realize that it really doesn't matter what your W decides... it's your choice.

Having said that, recognize the fact that it's going to take your W some time to sort out her own personal issues. Don't expect her to commit to the M. YOU are committed to the M, and for now, that's all that matters.

Keep Plan-Aing her and give her time... (this is the painful part as you will definitely feel like you're doing all of the work - which you are- in rebuilding the M). You must be the strong one for both of you at this point. As your W deals with her own issues and re-learns to trust you (yes, she has to re-learn to trust you, just as you will have to re-learn to trust her) I think you will find that she will start coming around to committing to the M and meeting some of your EN...

This all takes time. Like I said earlier, you guys seem to be tracking for the 6 month mark. Be patient, be loving, be kind...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Bullet,
I agree w/RIF. It is way to early to be throwing in the towel. You are just going thru normal recovery roller coaster bullsh!t. And believe me, there's lots more where that came from.

Stay the course, Plan A the **** out of your WW. She has not yet earned her "F", but as long as you are sure there is NC, she will come around.

Remember,it is a process, it happens gradually, not all of a sudden as we want it. She is still in the gray,

bpm,

The old "six month blues" thing...

The timing is about right. Actually, you can take it as a probable sign that you have done things pretty much correctly in Plan A for that time. It simply wears you out to weigh everything you say and do before acting. It is tedious as h377 to stop and think about the words to use before answering the question "What would you like for dinner?" and other mundane, normal, fact of life, every day questions. Doing without expectation can be taxing.

It's tempting to try to speed things up. We identify a problem and want it resolved, but either FWS doesn't see it as a problem or hasn't come to grips with it yet, so we get left holding our breath to see what will happen.

And then there's the old "let's forget the past and just move forward" thing. I'm not sure that the BS can adequately explain to the FWS why dealing with what happened is so important. While every BS has a different sticking point, we all have one and it seems to show up at about 6 months after the beginning of recovery.

Look for the little things. Watch closely. You will begin to notice what I call "Little Victories." She will one day say something about being glad you didn't give up on her or that she can't imagine what she must have been thinking or something else so minor it might be easily missed. Out of the blue she will initiate a simple touch as you walk by or you will over hear her telling someone else how lucky she is...While we wish for giant breakthroughs and the end of recovery, it is the little, even tiny, bits that add up to a great marriage.

Think about how hard it would be to continue as you have been if the A was still going on or if she was showing no effort at all toward recovery. This is why Plan A needs to be precise , powerful and short in duration. Six months is about as long as one guy can carry the marriage. Now it's time to begin transferring some of the load to her and I think you recognize that. But you have to give her what she can carry and what she can accept. Little things, the things that add up to recovered are what you seek.

And FWIW, watch out at the 1 year anniversary of various aspects of the A. 1 year after the start, one year after some trauma related to the A (she skipped your birthday to be with him, for example) or a year after discovery and the whole emotional roller coaster thing in the days following.

But at six months into recovery it is pretty normal to pause, sigh and think "I'm so tired of doing this," and want it all to stop. Frustration eats at you until you feel like giving up. If you hang through it, it passes and things improve, but it takes time to get through the "I'm tired of doing all the work" sense of resentment and fight the entitlement issues that come with it. The BS DOES deserve better and it can be better, but takes a bit more time than we would like.

Hang tuff and keep up the fight.

Mark

Mark,
Beatifully said, and all of it, oh, so true.

Hi all,

Thanks again for your replies. I wasn't suggesting that I throw the towel in, I was wondering about plan B & how appropriate it is in my circumstances.

I'm mindful of my slated plan-B date coming near & the MB principles that a plan A is finite (if it's measured in years then it's not plan A) & that plan B kicks off when the WS refuses to end the A (which F?WW has done) & commit to the M (which F?WW has not).

I'm getting some of my EN's met by F?WW but not the only one that really matters to me: honesty & openness - she's a good country mile away on this one.

I'm fighting for my M, you are right. Either spouse can decide to end the M; the only difference bewteen my & F?WW is that if I decide to D, I owe her no explaination & I get to keep my dignity. It still takes 2 to make an M work.

Jaded & Mark: I'll stop trying to speed up F?WW & let it continue at its own pace for now. I'll get back to my plan A & slide B-day a little - give her time to get out of the gray & onboard with the M.

Cheers.

b.p.m.

Well it would appear that my reaction to the 6 month anniversary thing has set our relationship back a bit. She's gone from being affectionate & loving to distant & fairly cold; even footsie in bed is a no-no, nevermind the full on cuddles.

I explained to her why I've been the way I have recently & also tried to help her understand that this is a different experience for me & the healing process will take longer; she maintains that it's because I haven't had any (effective) counselling since Feb in an accusatory tone & that she's nearly over it. Am I culpable ?? I fear this is another 'fatal mistake'.

We had a quick chat this morning before work & she told me that she doesn't want to be in this marriage but that she doesn't want to put the kids through a divorce either, but she might have to. She didn't state why she might have to but it's implicit that it's to protect herself from me (this follows on from a conversation last night where she stated that I've become more mentally & emotionally unstable over the years following a number of events, her A being the latest. This may or may not be true but I recognise this for what it is - she's heading for the exit & using this to lend weight to her decision).

I'm beginning to understand that timing has a key part in recovery of a marriage - unless the cogs are spinning at the same speed when they come together it just isn't going to work.

Back to the drawing board for me.

b.p.m.

BP-M I strongly suspect your missus is in contact with OM.

Snoop diligently. VERY diligently.

And tell her that she can leave any time she wants to, as can you.

Hi BPM - It sounds like the A may be continuing, or she may be having thoughts of "checking" things out with the OM... in other words, she's still sitting on the fence.

It's normal for her to want to "move on" much faster than you, but the comments that you've shared with us sure sound like she's still seeing the OM or at least thinking about seeing him.

I know that her Navy career is important, but I can assure you that most of the cases that I've seen in the military do NOT result in a person getting kicked out... or losing their pension.

Your M is at stake here and only you can decide what is best for you and your family. Give this some thought and see if her actions are matching her words...

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF: You have me confused with someone else - F?WW is not in the navy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But I fear you both may be right - if OM is not in the frame at the moment he may be in the near future. I've not been one for snooping thus far in all this - I may have to reconsider this.

Thanks again.

Bullet,

I fear RIF & Pure Bob are on the money. It sounds to me like your WW is still WW. She is using that entitlement fogspeak that comes from contact.

Why is it that you weren't snooping? Could it be that you just didn't want to know? I just find it strange that you W has been exhibiting behaviors/talk etc... that are not in line with her giving it her all.

I'm still snooping after 1+ year into recovery, a whole lot less, but I never want the wool pulled over my eyes again. There is no such thing as blind trust for me anymore.

You need to know the truth, so you can make the best decisions for you & your family. So, snoop, snoop, snoop. Remember there is no such thing as an invasion of privacy at this stage. It's self preservation,buddy!

I've not been snooping as it doesn't sit easy on my personal conscience; admittedly, my moral compass has been knocked out of alignment in all of this.

I'm relying on my new lie detecting capabilities; I pretty much know when she's lying (altho' I don't know what the truth is). I do want to know, I do need to know to be able to protect myself from all the WW crap.

I don't believe she's back in contact with OM; if it's anything along these lines then it's an inappropriate relationship with another STB OM. Either one & it's straight to plan-B for me (if not D). More likely tho is she got pretty pissed with me. I shall be watching her very closely nevertheless, for my sakes. I'm not niaive or deluding myself in this, nor do I trust her. For me, trust does not exist; there isn't a soul on this planet who won't eff me over for a price (WW's price was very low & self-centred).

Back to the crux of my current issue: WW has never claimed to be giving it her all, she is not working on the M by her own admission - she is unsure as to whether she wants the M. She's postponed this decision until her IC is done - I wouldn't be surpised if it's postponed again after that; she has a long history of avoiding decisions. Is this cake-eating of a sort: having all the trappings of a M but not contributing to it ??

b.p.m.

Bullet,

I think you should try and make an appointment with Steve Harley, if you can. It costs about £100 in total for the fee and the phone call, but I think he may help you get some direction again. I know its a lot of money, but it could be money well spent.

Regards
HAF