I've posted here before but it was a long time back.

I'm in danger of becoming a walk-away-wife. I have an exit plan. My husband only really started working on himself/the marriage a year ago.

The troubles in our marriage are too numerous to list. And they are so intertwined that it's generally impossible to say "This has to do with X, Y, and Z." So I'll just jump right in.

My husband has full legal and physical custody of his 16yo daughter. The 3 of us are Not a family. There are 2 families here - Me and him, him and his daughter. I tried really hard, for a really long time for us to be a family. But until a year ago (we've been married 7) I pretty much got nothing back... no support from my husband, sometimes active undermining from my husband, definitely active undermining from SD's mother. Things are so bad now that if I say anything to SD that she doesn't want to hear, she simply acts as if I'm invisible - and I mean this literally. I can be talking to her and have her not even blink an eye or move a muscle. And when I'm done talking she'll say something (if husband is around) as if no one has just said anything to her (ex: I say "You need to rinse your soda can before you put it in the bin", I'll get nothing, then she'll say "Where are you working tomorrow Dad?")

I have huge loads of anger and resentment - certainly over the past, but even over some of the present too.

You need to trust me on how bad things were the 1st six years of our marriage. If you require details, this thread will never end.

I've always thought that SD should do chores - age appropriate chores. H has never thought so. He has always known that I think SD should do chores. He expects me to do for her, to be there for him when it comes to her (such as getting her onto the school bus, doing IEP work for her schooling).

A few weeks ago I screwed up the courage to talk to him about chores again. (Almost every time I have ever brought some concern of mine to him, it has gone badly for me.) The talk seemed to go okay. However, he then tried to piggyback an unrelated concern of his onto my conversation. He doesn't bring things up on his own - he waits until I bring something up. I suspect that he didn't pay much attention to what I was saying about chores because he was prepping to bring out his own concern.

I believe that because I was very specific when I said my piece. I said that it was unfair that I had contributed so much on SD's behalf, unfair that I financially support her (her mother pays no child support, never has, husband felt that he didn't need that from her - and yet gets pissy w/ me if it seems like I object to financially supporting a kid that is not mine), that will all I have done for her for her own sake, for her for his sake, after all that he has put me through re her, I told him it was unfair that none of my expectations were being met when it came to SD. I was very specific about what chores I expected her to do (empty the wastebaskets - Not the kitchen trashcans, empty the recycling bin, empty the dishwasher when needed, take care of the floors as far as sweeping and vacuuming). However last night we had this convo again and he said that he didn't realize that I wanted her to empty wastebaskets or that she needed to do the floors once a week. He felt that she has done a lot since he started having her do chores (in the past week, she emptied the dishwasher twice, vacuumed the hall carpet and stairs, swept the foyer - that's it - no wastebaskets, not the family room, kitchen, dining room, or computer room floors).

H feels that I should tell him when SD isn't doing enough. I feel that I've already made it perfectly clear what I expect. Including that I expect him to oversee this. I feel that he is trying to push some of this off on me. I feel that it is unfair to ask this of me in light of all that I gave even when I was being treated badly by him (which he admits to) and by her.

Quite simply I have nothing left to give. It's as if he asked for every drop of my blood and now that I have given it and gotten nothing in return, he still wants me to squeeze out one more drop of blood.

I've told him that I've done all the heavy lifting in this relationship and it's past time that he do some and no longer expect me to do anything.

I am bone tired. I have goals in my life. 90% of why they are my goals is because they will put me in a better position to follow through on my exit plan.

I just don't know what to do when I have nothing - quite literally nothing - left to give but he refuses to hear and understand that.

Take care,
Melody

Welcome back, Melody.

I'm thinking a little outside the box for your problem. And I'm going to brainstorm. Most of my ideas will probably be out there.

1. Drop "your" expectations for SD and POJA wiht your husband to develop family expectations.
2. Stop doing stuff for your SD. Stop doing her laundry. Stop doing her errands, stop giving her money, etc. And definitely don't do anything that causes you resentment.
3.Sit down one on one with SD and tell her if she gives you the "Invisible" treatment, you'll give it to her back until she apologizes.
4. Stop expecting to be a "family" in the sense that you would be if you both were biological parents.
5. Move from an allowance/entitlement system to a work-for-pay system. Make a HUGE board with a list of all kinds of work and a dollar amount. I personally pay a little better than minimum wage, but the quality of work has to be there. If SD wants money to go to the movies, she has to do some work. Ditt for clothes. I think this might work if your h and you sat down with her and explained that contributing to family life is part of being a family, just as financial support and emotional care is part of being a family. If she's unwilling to act like part of the family, the perks get removed.

I also like how Dave Ramsey, a money guy, tells people to handle bad behaving teens and twenties. He says to sit them down and apologize for the harm you've done prior to now. The harm being that she's acting like a princess. She's not a princess. And last time I checked, even princesses have to behave.

Okay, I bet you've thought of almost all of those. Have you tried family counseling?

For the first 6 years of our marriage DH did not support me in the role of parent to SD, despite requiring me to fill those duties and responsibilities. He has been somewhat more supportive this last year but only somewhat. He has an abysmal track record of keeping agreements with me, especially regarding SD so a POJA would not work.

Right now I'm responsible for getting SD on the bus (although she's now 16, we live in a rural area on a busy high speed country road and she can be quite clueless of her surroundings - which ordinarily would be just her hard luck in having to learn things the hard way but learning that she's stood too close to the road by getting hit is probably not the best way to learn things... but then she's 16 now and I feel less needful of keeping her safe when no one else is willing to do so). I accompany DH to SD related things (school concerts, school shopping). I handle the school IEP process.

At any rate my resentment level is so high right now that I'm not willing to do anything to make her do chores... I would have to stand over her constantly and I'm just not willing to invest my energy in that.

Family counseling... is pointless as long as DH believes that my behavior has nothing to do with him.

It'd be a lot easier to have no expectations of SD if DH had no expectations of me WRT SD. And I already firmly believe that we are not a family. There are 2 families here - SD and DH; me and DH. I don't even refer to us as a family. I refer to us as a household.

Thanks for your ideas and suggestions though.

We went round and round tonight. SD's comings and goings do affect me. And yet once again DH didn't tell me about them.

It blew up big. DH won't give me any credit for even still being here. In fact, as I told him tonight, he will do almost anything to keep from admitting more credit to me than to him on just about anything. Example: SD's IEP. I tried to get DH to do something for a while. Nothing happened until I did something. I did ALL the work. DH wouldn't even look over what I'd done. I kept at it because I felt strongly that SD needed it - not just that it was a good idea, but that she needed it as much as a person needs air. And yet DH completely feels/believes that if I had done nothing SD would still have an IEP by now because he would have taken care of it.

..................

It is patently unrealistic for me to expect that DH will EVER give me what I need to move beyond our past, beyond all the hurt he has caused me. It is completely reasonable that he accepts his part in it... it's just obviously unrealistic to continue to expect it.

I believe that I can move past most of it on my own if I'm allowed to do so in my own way. But I doubt that DH will "allow" that. I need a certain basic set of rules (such as would cover the running of the house, how to come to decisions on mutual interest) and beyond that full and complete live and let live. That means that if I want to spend most of a Saturday helping my mom, DH is fine with that. It means that if I don't want to eat breakfast until 10am, he's fine with that even if he got up at 7am. He holds me responsible for too much of his life. If he doesn't eat by 7pm, he complains. Almost every single time. Even though no one has been designated to make dinner - which means that he's as much responsible as I am. He says that when he complains - loudly and repeatedly mind you - that he's not complaining TO me, or ABOUT me, but rather just complaining. I guess that just means that he's complaining AT me. He thinks I'm too sensitive because I take it personally when he repeatedly complains to me about him not eating by 7pm. To me, you complain to someone for one of 2 reasons - either you just want to vent (and who would vent about themselves, especially without ever actually saying that they hold themselves responsible for their situation) or because they feel the person they're complaining to is in some way responsible.

It just all makes my head ache.

Frankly if I had the financial ability to I'd be out the door tomorrow.

And that always brings me back to feeling that I just need to stop spending my energy on anything that isn't directly making me more able to leava on a dime if necessary.

..................

He just boggles my mind. We separated (read as I left) for 5 months 4+ years ago. At the time he accused me repeatedly of infidelity. It came up once in a fight sometime in the last 4 years - I can't even remember when - and I asked him if he believed that I had never cheated on him (I haven't and never would) and he said he didn't know. He has betrayed my trust in huge ways in so many ways - ways that even he can't argue with (lying to me about stuff, hiding stuff from me) and he feels that I should trust just because... no particular reason, just because he's my husband regardless of him not doing anything to regain the trust. And yet he doesn't (present tense because it just came up again tonight) see a problem with still answering "I don't know" to the question of whether he believes that I never cheated on him. And other than leaving, I've never done anything that would remotely make him think that I cheated on him.

And that would all be fine... if we could just agree on some basic ground rules, stick to them and let the rest of things be live and let live.

But he won't do that.

First, family counseling may help your husband see that his behaviors affect you. Family counseling may help both of you find a way to better handle your SD.

Second, you can refuse to do some of this stuff. You can refuse to babysit a 16 year old. Gosh, she must be chomping at the bit, and you get the blame for her being treated like an 8 year old. What's the worst your H could do if you simply refuse? He could leave or divorce you. You sound like your world wouldn't end if that happened, so why not take a chance?

I admire how much you care for your SD. I did some work to get an IEP and I know it's time consuming. And, it shows you really have her interests at heart.

Maybe you should start to restructure your relationship with your SD without any involvement from your H. Proactively, stop being so responsible for her. Give her some responsibility so that she can earn your trust and the benefits that go along with it. Ask her to help you draw up "house rules" that you both will live by.

What you're doing now isn't working and more of the same won't work.

Ruth, I agree that you need to stop doing all these things for her but I know how hard it is. Even though my SD lives in another state she is very possessive of her Dad and I also know it is two families. She and him, me and my children. She sticks my him whenever we have a conflict and he also loves when there is tension between us. When I walk with him and her in public if I take his hand she feels left out. She is also 16 for god's sake. I can't wait for her to grow up and find a BF but that will take many years as she is very babyish. She doesn't respect us as a couple.
I feel your pain and I also recommend you a stepmom supprt group. Look one up at meetup.com