Still,

Thanks! Of course you and your family will flourish. As will mine, either with or without Drac.

We ARE women hear us roar!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Helen Reddy..... new theme song.

Had IC this morning and need to start pulling together financial stuff. Would love to reschedule for friday.
Talked with my IC about starting a group like divorce care. There are none in our immediate area. She wants me to get some info and she may be on board to help us. Last night found out about someone else going through this. I think I could get a group started. Although not sure if I'm ready to deal with the pain of first finding out with someone else. Still to fresh for me. Or it could be very therapeutic.
My friends have said I have been beeming for the last week.... it just feels great not to be in limbo. IC did warn me that she thinks WH may try another 11th hour change of heart to try to manipulate me so to be prepared. I guess there still is 1 small cinder that wishes we could reconcile, don't think he has it in him to do the hard work. I'm tired of working right now. I'm not expecting it to happen it's still in God's hands and if it's His will he will let me know.

Still

Still:

I'll walk this road with you, if you'd like the company.

Sis

LilSis,

I would love you to walk this road with me.... I would love the company. I think we are both in very similar places right now. Our WH are almost too far gone. They are both in God's hands and we have to trust that God will take care of them and someday they will see the damage they have left behind.
At that point we will be so far ahead in our healing and self discovery we may not even want them back.
I don't know about you but even though I am at peace with the road in front of me and mostly happy that I have finally let go and let God I still have fleeting thoughts that maybe this could still work out. I try to push those thought away right now so they don't bogg me down with going forward.
I can't continue on that path.... if it's God's will it will happen.
How are you doing today. Today I found myself short with everyone, and that is not like me. Have to think about what is causing this.
Another day and I haven"t driven by MOW house. It is getting easier every day.

Still

hi Still ~ I remember the "high" feeling of finally achieving some sort of detachment and real acceptance.

It's a good feeling to practice. You will still have lows, you will still grieve, and thats ok and normal. But remember the feeling of peace - so you can go back there (yes its a choice) after you have given yourself permission to be sad and angry for a bit.

Thanks BR,

I think today feels like a low. Have had trouble sleeping the last coupls of nights. Been trying to fight it off. I know it's lack of sleep and even a little doubt creeping back in.

It will get better, I won't let it ruin my day.

Off to work. Maybe it's PMS....that could explain my snappiness, plus the fact I woke up drenched. Boy this suxs.

Still

Another day... lost count.

Been having trouble with anxiety and sleeping again. I know some of it is hormones and I think the rest is just legal junk about finances.

Had to start taking my xanax again....I'm not crazy about taking it.
I just want this over either way so I can get a fresh start on my life again.

Anyone have suggestions for other ways to relieve anxiety?

Still

Hi Still- I am so glad you started a new thread. I check here often to see how you are doing!!! I have spent all summer sending info. to my attorney, kids' attorney( custody spat) and the accountant. It has been exhausting and I know just what you mean about feeling anxious about the financial side. I haven't had a decent paying job since I got married. I relocated 8 times for WH's career so we moved quite a bit. After all that his job ended and we started a biz together last summer and now OW is on the payroll of the biz I co-own with my STBX. Very messy! But on the bright side- I applied to an excellent Paralegal School and got in! I start on Saturday and I am so nervous! Haven't been in school since I finished college 21 yrs ago and got married. Anyhow-I am glad to hear you are feeling more sure about yourself that you are ready to move on. It is so hard to get to the place where we can feel sure that it is the right thing. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Take care- Nancy

The switch was flipped for me too. It happened when WH said I bascially deserved what I was getting. I knew right at that moment I wanted out of his craziness.

This line made me smile, even though i know you didn't intend it to be funny...it kind of is. I really like xanax, myself. For me, it is very effective at taking the edge off. I take it very rarely, those times when I feel like jumping right out of my skin. I know some people have a thing about potentially addictive meds, but I say as long as you are smart about it, do what you need to do. If it gives you relief, take it.

Also, if you just want to sleep, take a benadryl. Again, not regularly, but even my family doc said taking a benadryl every now and then when I have trouble sleeping is fine. (that's what's in Tylenol PM)

Get a really, really good massage. I mean a good one, from someone who knows what she's doing. Do the whole hour one.

Sit somewhere quiet and peaceful, close your eyes, and breathe, way down into your belly. Concentrate on your breathing.

Be with someone...a good friend. Not just your kids, and not just on the phone. Physically put yourself in proximity to someone who can support you.

Pray.

((((still))))

I'm still here walking with you.

Morning! I have to agree with Sis! When I'm feeling whatever, I call someone or go visit them...ESPECIALLY when I feel like I don't want to interact with OP, that's when I know that I HAVE too...

And I always feel better for doing it...LMAO...it's kind of like rebelling against myself! It's so hard sometimes to reach out, sometimes I feel like I'm imposing of the person I'm reaching out too, but if I think of it this way: Maybe they need me more than I need them right now! It makes it easier!

have a good day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This line made me smile, even though i know you didn't intend it to be funny...it kind of is. I really like xanax, myself. For me, it is very effective at taking the edge off. I take it very rarely, those times when I feel like jumping right out of my skin. I know some people have a thing about potentially addictive meds, but I say as long as you are smart about it, do what you need to do. If it gives you relief, take it.

Get a really, really good massage. I mean a good one, from someone who knows what she's doing. Do the whole hour one.

Sit somewhere quiet and peaceful, close your eyes, and breathe, way down into your belly. Concentrate on your breathing.

Be with someone...a good friend. Not just your kids, and not just on the phone. Physically put yourself in proximity to someone who can support you.

Pray.

((((still))))

I'm still here walking with you.

LIM,
Thanks for popping in, it means alot to me that you check up on me. I know what you mean about all the back and forth. It really suxs. In some ways I can't wait for it to be over.
Is you WH still with the OW?

LilSis... I'm glad I got a chuckle. Xanax does do wonders to take the edge off. And I don't usually take it very often. Although the last couple of days I taken a half each day.
The sleeping I do have Ambien but sometimes with everything I'm on I feel like a walking pharmacy. I may take an Ativan tonight so I can sleep better.

A massage sounds great.... are you sure it has to be a woman <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> It would be nice to have a mans hands touching me again. All in good time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Rin,
Sometimes I have to force myslf to go out also. It does feel better with other people around. Lucky for me my co-workers are fantastic and we usually have a great day no matter how busy it gets. They actually like being around me.

I'm feeling better tonight... hope for no interaction with WH tonight. I'm kidless tonight. Soometimes it's actually nice to have the house to myself.

Still

what are you anxious about?

BR,

That's a great question. And i have been trying to figure out what is causing this so I can deal with it and move on. I don't know if you have ever had an anxiety attack... it's an overwhelming feeling. I think that route cause is the financial aspect of everything. To go from 2 paychecks to one. I'm fortunate that I do make good money, but WH and were foolish in the credit department.

I know even though a divorce is the best for me right now it's still not how I envisioned my life. And I think that leads me to be anxious.

And I know hormones are playing havick with me right now.... it's that time of the month.

I'm also anxious because I want to be the best person that I can be. Make my kids proud of me. And wonder if I'm working at that enough.

Still

aaaah

my favorite topic

your illusion of control is harder and harder to maintain....

you can not control your husband...or his spending...or what life brings you ....

And this makes you anxious.

So...reality is shining through your denial...destroying the comfortable illusion that you used to help feel calm...

what is your fear?

BR,

You're good. I know I can't control my Wh anymore. Not that I really had any control over him.

Yes reality is setting in.... maybe I'm afraid that my life is going to be out of control for ever. Although I feel good at how far I have come and know there is still a long road ahead of me.

The thing I am afraid of the most.... is will I ever have love of a man again. I know I am a good person and my WH affairs are his to own. I do still think will someone look at me and say she couldn't even satify her H. I'm afraid since I wasn't"good enough" for my H will I be good enough for someone else. All things that intellectually I know aren't true, the thoughts still sneak in at times. I'm getting better at pushing them away.

So my greatest fear is that I'll be alone and my WH has someone. And it will prove to him that he was right and I wasn't good.

I don't feel this as much as I did when this all started, but I would be lying if i said these thoughts are banished completely. That's the area that needs continual work... as you know infidelity does a job on one's self esteem.

Any great ideas on how to banish these thoughts completely?

Still

was your life ever really truely under your control?

BR,

No I don't think my life was ever under my control. And a lot a times it was okay because i thought we were a team. Now as I look back we were never really team, WH was the one in control but made it seem as if I was the controling one. In reality he was. And I let him because I always thoguht he had our best interest in heart. Now that I know better....

Maybe that's what I'm really afraid of actually being in control and not having anyone to lean on.

Does this make any sense?

Still

afraid of being in control = afraid of taking personal responsibility = victimhood

Your husband was never in control of your life.

Even if he did make all the decisions...it was your CHOICE to give him that power.

You have personal responsiblity and control over your own behavior and your own choices - even if you refuse to acknowledge it and live your life as a victim.

However, Life itself is not under your control. It never was, no matter how much you pretended that it was. It will never be under your control, no matter how much you try.

You may have made a choice to hand over your personal responsiblity day to day Life to your husband. That does not mean that you were not controlling.

In fact...

We do this to God all the time.

We don't humbly turn over our life's problems to God and accept His Will.

Oh no. We turn over our problems to God along with a roadmap and a blueprint on how to fix it.

I did this to my husband all of the time.

He resented the fact that I never really turned anything over to him - I made selfish demands - and then I stood behind him dictating his every move.

Until he stopped doing anything. And he called me controlling. I called him lazy and sloppy.

But I sure whined about how he was in control of everything and I was victimized by him.

So...

The answer to self-esteem issues....is to take up the personal responsibility that you have abidicated to others, and take off the drape of victimhood.