Still:

I'm no BR, but I'll throw in my .02.

I completely understand this fear. But be honest with yourself, would you want the kind of relationship that WH has with OW? A relationship that was founded on pain and betrayal and based on lies and deception?

Do not envy that.

Be proud of yourself for being a good mom, for standing up for your marriage, for growing through all of this pain, for having the courage to examine yourself.

Were you a perfect wife? No...no one is a "perfect" anything, because we are all flawed human beings. Were you likely the best wife you could be given what you knew at the time? Probably. Would you be a better wife NOW, knowing what you know? Absolutely, especially if you continue to grow and learn and examine yourself.

So fight that voice that says you are not good. You KNOW better. WH's actions and responses to you are a reflection on HIM...not you. His actions have hurt you enough; don't hurt yourself too. This is HIS loss, not yours.

Have you had anyone to lean on lately? No. And have you not been in control of yourself all along? Yes.

You HAVE been in control and you HAVE NOT been able to lean on WH, even when you thought you could. So this thing that you fear has actually already come true, and guess what? Has the world fallen apart? Have you lost your job? Have your friends abandoned you? Have your children grown to hate you?

No...it's not easy to learn to live without the PERCEPTION that there is someone there to lean on...but it was really only a perception, anyway. Or maybe the correct word would be expectation?

Who is it that said that expectations are like pre-determined disappointments? (Someone on MB, but I can't remember who).

Sorry...I'm rambling and as I said, I am no BR. And sometimes I think that when I'm down, no words really make it better...I just have to go through the dark place on my own. The words and support don't necessarily bring light to the darkness, they just keep me moving through the darkness, so I can emerge into the light when whatever emotional or hormonal stuff works itself out.

You are down today...this will pass. You will find that positive place again. PMS is a killer.

Sis - you didn't ramble. You nailed it.

BR,

That's what I'm working really hard to do is to get rid of being a victim. For the most part I think I have. I don't like being a victim anymore. It's not an easy mode to get rid of. And something I'm not very proud of. And I'm not trying to come off as a victim anymore. Yes life has handed me some schitty things, no worse than what many people go through. I'm fortunate I have my health (although still fighting off depression), my wonderful children, and most importantly I have God in my life.

You are right we don't have control over our lives... and it was my choice to let him control me. It's something I'm not willing to do anymore. And I do admit I have trouble sometimes leaving things in God's hands and I pray to become better at this.

And you are right it is my responsibilty to take over my behavoir. I feel most of the time I have "control" over this. It's just moments like the last day or 2 I have let my victim self out. Today she is not coming out and I have control over this. I'm planning on having a great day with my kids.

BR thank-you I appreciate your wisdom. If you don't mind keep checking in on me because I do appreciate your help. And I know I will still struggle with my issues. And I need to stop focusing on WH issues, those are his and he will need to live with his choices.

Still

well then, see you answered your own question about curing anxiety.

when you choose to let your victimized control freak out...you have an anxiety attack.

Stop letting her out and you'll be just fine.

I know, I know, it sounds easy for me to say...but it is really that simple.

Make a decision.

LilSis,

Actually tour word have made me feel better.

We all haven't had our spouses to lean on, and it's true the world is still spinning. Although we all have had days that have felt like our world was falling apart. Fortunately as time goes on the dips in the rollercoaster aren't quite as long. We recover faster.... and I'm sure as more time passes it will get even easier.

That fear of not being good enough is something I think we all feel at times. It's what is "she" doing that is worth leaving everything behind. Without even a glance back.

I don't want the type of relationship that WH has with MOW. I know it won't last. Sooner or later one of them is going to cheat on the other. Although if and when it happens I don't think they will feel the pain like we felt.... it'll be more of what did you expect.

With the work we have done on ourselves someday we will make someone a better partner. In the meantime it is making us better friends, parents etc. With our spouses jumping into another relationship they haven't worked on thier own issues. And I don't know about you but I know my WH has plenty. Just like I did.

You're right I did the best that I knew how. I did everything except stand on my head waving a banner. And leaving this marriage I can hold my head high and I have shown my kids a good example. Not always perfect.... but as you say no one is perfect.

Sis thanks for stopping by.

BR,

Is that the key to this all? It does seem so simple, yet it's one of the most difficult things I have ever done. These last couple of years have been he!!...I'm ready for some heaven on earth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Still

Yes, its that simple. Makes ya wanna slap yer head and say DUH.

BR,


Yeah and I'm saying dah to myself right now. I'm a slow learner in this. It's funny (not haha funny), but my IC also said I'm beating my head against the wall. Although she knew I would "get it" when I was ready to let go.

Still

If it makes ya feel better.

I used to cry and cry and cry....

I begged my Al Anon sponsor to tell me HOW to let go, HOW to stop my brain from spinning out of control, HOW to be happy....

She would say to me over and over: Make a decision.

I hated it when she said that. I figured she just didn't understand me or she expected too much. I figured she was withholding secrets to happiness and serenity from me!

Then one day, my eyes were opened. Thats what they call a spiritual awakening....you all of a sudden slap your head and say DUH!

Hi, Still

Great stuff from BR and Sis. I'm still working on the letting go part.

I saw something a few posts back about you worrying about WH being happy while you are alone. I've seen other BS's worry about this kind of thing--fear that the WS will somehow "win." And, since I was thinking about this driving home the other night, I'm vulnerable to it as well.

The WS can never win. The very nature of what they've done undermines any happiness that can come from their new relationship. If they are capable of achieving true satisfaction from that relationship, it means they were probably never deserving of your attention. WS's who don't seek redemption can only lose.

You're a good person, Still. Things will keep getting better. It's not easy, but you can do it. Keep listening to BR.

(((Still)))

BR,

Sometimes I think it's "good" that we sort of newly betrayed hear that the experts out there also cried. I think at times we forget because we are so deep in our own pain. It shows us that recovery can happen even if we don't save our marriages. Thank-you for sharing that.

It is a decision to let go, not an easy one....but once it's done it feels so good. At times even though I have let go I still wish that things would of turned out differently. It's just to know that this is God's will and he has something better out there. And maybe later on it may be with WH but I'm letting God work on him.

SDguy,

Thanks for stopping by, I am geting wonderful advice from LilSis and BR. And letting go is very hard to do. Even after letting go I still sometimes feel like he has "won". I know he isn't winnig anyhting much... a woman who has cheated on 2 husbands. But I think I'm still alone. Then I know I am so much better off alone then with him how he is right now. At least when I'm lonely it's because I'm really alone and not because he is ignoring me.
You will get there I have faith in you....walk the beach that wonderful creation that God has given us and let it give you peace. You're a great dad and your children are very lucky they have you.

Still

Still ~ I had a God box, I put a picture of my husband in there, along with a heartfelt note to God to care for my husband.

I also learned that when I couldn't peacefully let go, I had to "Let go and Let God git 'im".

At least then I could think about all kinds of creative Cosmic Karma reaching out to smack my husband around.

On my "recovery anniversary" thread, I posted a bunch of threads about my story. Go back and read, you will see I was in the same place as everyone else here. I had along long long road to personal recovery....but I got there and so will you.

Thanks Bramble,

I think I will go out and checl out your older threads. A also have the perfect box to do that with also. For Mother's day my DD17 made me 2 boxes with all family pictures pasted over them. That will become my God box. Thanks for another great idea.

I don't know if anyone saw my threadjack on Bugs thread about emerald green pools. Been having problems with my pool all season and in Maine our pool season isn't very long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I got some great advice from LG.... well while we were at the pool store we happened to find a new addition to our family. One of the workers brought in a little kitten (we think 4 weeks old) that was abandoned by it's mother. It looks like a Siamese and has crystal blue eyes. We fell in love even though I'm allergic. DD20 will be bringing it to college with her. We think it's only 4 weeks old. Don't know if it's a girl or boy we got both answers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
So since WH has left....we have our dog (was here with WH) who is half beagle and St Bernard. In July we got our Beta Fish Sparky (won on the 4TH) today a kitten and then next week my DD17 BF fishes are coming to live with us.
Still not sure what we will name the kitten....depends on it's gender.

Still

welp, i'm completely hopeless with fix-it stuff around the house, so I'll have to defer to LG's wisdom regarding emerald green pools...sounds pretty tho!

BR,

Fix it things I'm slowly learning. I'm not the most handy either. Besides having someone to cuddle with this is the thing I miss the most about WH. He could be very handy when he wanted to be.

Still

Hiya Still,

For some reason, this time of year seems to wreak havoc on the 'balance' of my pool. It tends to more easily grow algae. I just vaccuumed and brushed, shocked, pH upped and added more chlorine yesterday. I have a DE filter. I emptied the old, ugly, green DE and refreshed with about 4 lbs of new DE.

I think the water also tends to get really WARM this time of year, which are great conditions for algae. You don't need to empty the pool, you've just got to get it brushed really well, shock the crap out of it, and make sure that pH is UP around or a little above neutral (7.0-7.2).

Sounds like LG gave you some great advice on that.

About everything else. YOu assume that YOU will never be happy again, like you ASSUME your WH is right now. Right now, if you let go, you will be happier, just to have freed yourself from the illusions, and taken responsibility for your own happiness. You have LOST someone who is of no worth in a relationship with you. No great loss, I'd say. Now, if, and I MEAN IF, your husband were to show up, that would be a different story.

Let's just have you focusing on today, on YOU, on making the decision to move forward with what you've got NOW, and being happy in that. It's not easy, but so doable. Heck, it's even doable in the hard knocks of early recovery, for me.

I am happy, Still, not because PWC MAKES me happy, but because I have taken responsibility for myself, my life, my happiness. I invite PWC in to enjoy that life with me; his decision to take responsibility for HIS happiness is HIS to make. I can't change him, I can't force him, but I can continue to trudge through my life and inject happiness where I find it.

It's quite freeing when you know that you can be happy INSIDE yourself, regardless of what is thrown at you. I won't lie, it is scary to deal with the fears, but it is so worth it.

Silent,

Hey thanks for dropping in. Yes I worry about not having anyone in the future... and about Wh having his ho. But I am trying not to dwell on it. I am happy with the person that I am. And I'm sad that Wh is missing this. His loss.

A good friend of ours talked to e this afternoon and actually I cried. He has been the only one willing to really hang out with WH (not with ho though). He told me this afternoon that he is very disappointed in WH that he isn't helping out (ie finishing the siding that he started 4 years ago), That one way to try to regain DD's respect is to help thier mom out. His dad abandoned his mom and left thier home in terrible shape. He told me I deserve so much better. It just made me cry because I do still love the man my WH was.

I am going to be okat though.... will ahve my new kitten to snuggle with tonight.

Still

Hi Still,

So is this friend going to tell the WS how disappointed he is in him since he became a WS?

L.

Still, I hope you don't name your kitten Brant. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((Still)))

Still:

We are still walking the same path. We even landed on the "Get a New Pet" square together. Odd, isn't it?

I'm glad to hear about Kitty. Gives you something else to focus on, don't you think?

Believe the Truth of your friend. Believe your own truth: happy with the person YOU are.

((((still))))

Hey Orchid...

I'm not sure if this friend will say anything. In some ways I hope he does. But as you know WH's only hear what they want to hear.

SDGuy.... no we're not naming kitty Brant (is that POSOM?) If I remember isn't your kitty named after my WH mow? I'm sure you're kitten is much cuter <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I'm bringing kitty in to the vet in a little bit to find out if it's a girl or boy. DD's want to name it Logan if it's a boy (Wolverine as nickname). Something to do with x-men. Maybe she will be Logan regardless!

LilSis,

Yes we are on the same road... I read about your new dog. I love dogs. Usually I'm allergic to cats but I'm doing okay with this one. DD20 plans on taking it to college with her in her apartment. I just might have to get another one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> The kitten is great it's already litter box trained.

Still