Hi Bugs,

Yes limbo kind of sucks. Thinking about calling my attorney to see if he has heard anything from WH attorney (whoever that is). I hate talking to my attorney the chaching sound drives me crazy.

So limbo is still there after the D? I'm hoping that is when the limbo ends.
Let's see my exciting weekend is work. Tonight stuffing goody bags for DD17 soccer team. Tomorrow they have a playoff game. Hate to miss those games but work calls.

Now guys don't be too jealous of my overly exciting social life <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Still

No, Limbo is not there after the D...as least not in my case...I'm not even finished with mine and feel SOOO much better!

I'll try to contain my excitement! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

That is where I'm striving to be. I still don't want this D, but again it's not my choice.

Still

Still, if it's any comfort and you know this, I'm just reminding you...no one WANTS D...but life does go on...

My question to you is: Are you holding one to this M b/c of some fear? Fear of moving forward? Fear of change? fear of being alone?

lady, you are beautiful...inside and OUT!!! If I was a guy...I'd be on you like white on rice!!!

LMAO... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

You just brought tears to my eyes.

Oh man, yes I'm afraid... of all of the above. I'm afraid of moving forward. of letting go of the only thing i've know my entire adult life. My biggest fear is being alone. If my H could leave me why would anyone else want me. That is my deepest darkest fear.

I know the A's weren't my fault intellectually. But deep down I still question if they were. And I wonder if I'll ever feel differently. I know alot of this comes from being "beaten" down for many years and him continually blaming me even to this day.

I guess alot of this comes from feeling overwhelmed. Like I never get a break, he has his freedom to play single most of the time. He has no responsibility.... he only sees DD infrequently. I mean maybe a few minute conversation daily. What kind of dad is that?

Definately not the dad he should be...

But then again he hasn't been the H he should of been for so very long. I guess I'm afraid of losing the only kind of love I know. My IC keeps telling me that if and when I do find love I'll be amazed at how it really does work.

Just mulling through alot of my feelings lately.

I know there are good faithful men in this world. I see them in my friends marriages. I see the men on here.

Still

Still, Him leaving was NOT About YOU...it was about him!!! Him not being able to live up to his responsiblities or whatever made him do what he did...is doing...

As long as you keep doing this to yourself you will stay stuck no matter where you are in life...WHy abuse yourself like that? You're worhty of sooo much more and I can't see a beautiful woman like yourself being alone...


I see your inner child popping up here...Never...do you really never get a break?


That's the kind of dad that he is...I see expectations being the problem here...what's right for you is NOT right for him...we all have the right to live our life the way we see fit...I may not like the way you live yours and you may not like the way I live mine, but we can accept it and move on...no judgement here...NO judging WH...I KNOW that's SOOOO hard...

BUT REALLY, you're only hurting yourself...you don't have to like what he's doing but you do have to learn to accept and let it go...

I was EXTREMELY judgemntal and it's sooo much easier to say it is what it is...let it go...live FOR YOU...LOOK AT YOURSELF and STOP looking to WH...focus and breathe...


I agree!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> have you ever known the kind of love that you get here before? I did!!!!

Supporting you all the way...I HAVE SOOOO MUCH FAITH IN YOU...this IS NOT AN END...it's a BEGINNING...

Trust in GOD Still...you're prolonging his plan for you!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Love you Sweetie! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Still....I'm sure we all still have those fears from time to time? (I do, anyway, when I'm especially lonely or vulnerable.)

Remember, you've had a tough time lately. Fall is hard in any case as we get back into the swing of school, soccer, etc. Toss in your anniversary and you bet you are feeling down.

It will pass.

In terms of moving forward, follow your heart. You will KNOW when you are ready. You need to grieve. Someone suggested lunamare's thread. She knew.

Wish I could help. It is so hard. Pay attention to what you need for yourself, and take special care of yourself if you can.

((((still)))

Rin,

You have a wonderful way of looking at things. I guess I need a good kick in the butt <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I guess my inner child is screaming right now for attention. I need to quiet that child. Maybe ice cream will do the trick <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Your right I am beating myself up about something I have no control over. I can tell my friends the same thing when they do this. I guess it's like the chubby doctor telling his patient they need to lose weight.

I'm trying to let go of my expectations of WH... it is hard to do. I guess I'm expecting too much of him in the "state" he is in. Today at least for the rest of the day I will let this go. And tomorrow I will do the same. Got to keep those thoughts from creeping into my head.

Rin,

I wish I could say I have known love like that.... I had thought I had it from my H in the beginning. When I look back over old journals I see he was selfish for along time. Even when we were dating. When that type of love does hit me you'll be the second to know. I'll be the first <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the faith that I can and will do this. Somedays I need to hear it. Thank-you for being my friend.

Still

I definitily agree with SIS...and I you don't think that I was kicking you...I WASN'T...

I understand where you are and it's okay to be there...you are exactly where you need to be right now...

Not trying to push you into anything...i hope you know that!!!

YOU WILL BE BEtter than GREAT!!!

LilSis,
Thanks for stopping by. I do need to give myself time to grieve again. It can be frustrsting when you think you have got past it and all of a sudden you get kicked in the gutt again.

Life is very challenging. Sometimes I just wnat life to be easy for once. My inner child again.

Rin,

I didn't mean to imply that you were kicking my butt. I just wanted to say that what you had to say got me thinking and I'm kicking myself in the butt.
I want to be were I was just this past August. I was in such a good place.

If this is where I need to be I'll accept that. I just donlt want to be here foreva. Moving towards that good place again. Thanks to my friends here.

Still

We posted at the same time I completely missed your post!!! That was me re-reading ym stuff and thinking that I came across harsh... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I also meant to say that before I got here I DIDN'T know that love...same as you when I go back and read my journals...he was that way the WHOLE time adn I thought that was the way it was suppose to be...then I came here and was accept and loved no matter what...

YOU HAVE THAT TOO!!!! You have a country FULL of people across it that LOVE you JUST the way you are, accepting your growth...accepting your grieving...accepting when you get stuck and who help nudge you in the right direction...

Wouldn't it have been great to have that in our marriage? Let's grieve that, but only for a moment............................................................................................................................................................................................OKAY, we're done!!!

I have a IRL friend that asked me the other day if I wanted him to bring me chicken soup when I was sick...WH would have not done that...I was left to fend for myself...

THE awesome thing is I'M Never alone and you're not either (God, us here, IRL friends & family)...sometimes it's not what my heart's desire is...but you have to work to get to that place...

I know those lonely moments when you wish that there was someone there to hold you, to snuggle with...to just talk to...that's when I pick up the phone...JUST for today I can meet my needs in other ways and WHEN the time IS RIGHT...I will appreciate the one that I'm with ALLLL that much more!!!!

Thanks for the compliments too!!!

Back to work before I get in trouble AGAIN! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Still:

You need to MOVE OFF of Limbo.

It serves your WH well to be there.

And makes your life miserable.

Wether you are plan A'ing and trying your best to be the W that he wants.

Or you are Plan B'ing and leaving his lousy butt OUT of your life.

Limbo just cuts your heart out every time he does something.

This roller coaster has been rolling for over 6 years.

Time to stop.

Your a terriffic, responsible beautiful woman, who deserves more than crumbs in her life.

When you start making choices to move forward in your life, the wind starts to blow at your back, not the front.

And the future is yours for the taking.

WH may respond by running away, or running closer. But it's your CHOICE on how to respond to that.


(((STILL)))

LG

LG,

This has been going on for much to long. I truely want to get off this rollercoaster ride. At times I think I'm there then you're right WH does something to bring me right back to limbo and it does cut my heart out each time.

I know I'm allowing that to happen, I'm taking full responsibility for that. Need to work on how to not let it affect me so much. I'm going to start pulling back again... not to control him but to control me. I'm not in plan A, he has no interest in me or what kind of wife I am. or could be.

I do want more than crumbs... it's a hard cycle to break when that's all I have been getting for so long. I deserve more than crumbs.

I need to move forward again for me. I guess after all of this and how long it has taken I'm being impatient. Patience was never one of my strong points. Maybe that's why God is taking His time with me. To show me that good things come to those who wait.

LG, I'm honored that you dropped by and I pray you are right that the wind does starts blowing at my back. Getting tired off the wind storm in front of me. Sand keeps getting in my eyes.

I just want to let all of you know who dropped by today you really have helped me. I know I keep going back and forth. You all have helped me realize I needed to reach out today to get myself out of my darkness.

Goes to show us all that God places signs and people in our life to help us when we most need it. Thanks for being my angels today.

Still

My WIngs are extra Fluffy today!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

Almost spit my coffee at the computer screen. LOL

Fluffy wings are becoming on you.

Still

LMAO...Then I did my job today!!! OF course, it would have been great if it would have went up your nose and OUT!!!

LMAO...NO, that would have hurt! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Still:


Please start moving forward. That WILL create the wind.

Will probably blow WH away.

And DS13 knows whats going on. He needs his mother to be strong because his father is weak.

And that weakness can NOT be passed on. By denying its existence, you allow it to grow.

By confronting it for the evil that it is, you son will get stronger....

His strengh will grow with yours.

(((STILL)))

LG

LG,

I really hope you are right. I do feel very weak at times. Ocassionally my kids do see it. That comes when I feel overwhelmed with the house and everything.

My kids are my strength. They are what kept me from going to very dark place... I was suicidal after first affair. My kids kept things in perspective.

I am going to stop being afraid... I can and will survive this.

I am feeling much stronger this afternoon than I did this morning.

Thank-you again LG I really hope one day you can tell me "I told you so".

PS.
Think I need to update my profile it's a year old now. Wow time flies. DS is now 14.

Still

Still,

Hey Girl! Just checking in as I am 'kid free' tonight. Am working on stuff for tomorrow, but took a time out to check in here.

Do me a favor? Go back and read all of today's posts on your thread AGAIN. When I've been feeling the way you are today and I got the same kind of GREAT advice and support, I found that it helped me so much to read the posts more than once; especially to re-read my OWN statements in between.

FABULOUS stuff here today that so many will benefit from. Not that your pain is fabulous, but sharing it & being so open - - - and getting the advice you have, the support, love & {{{HUGS}}} inspires all who read here.

Take heart dear,,,we know, we care, we understand. We're all here supporting you,,,,,,,,,,

Don't make me encourage Rin to REALLY kick your butt! LMAO as she would say!!

Bugs,

I got soo much help today, it really awes me that people that I only know through here really stepped up to the plate.

I have reread todays post several times today and the caring still brings tears to my eyes. I know all of you will understand how much it means when we are down and out that the great people of MB help us up off the floor.

I needed and recieved strength today and I hope someday I can recipercate.
Killing time till I have to pick up my DD from her teams poker night. It won't be late because tomorrow is a big game.

DD lost her license for 30 days for speeding, can't wait till next week when she can drive again. You don't realize how nice it is when they can bring themselves places.

Still