it's certainly a thought...if I were able but I'm in a bit of bind right now...

Thanks E...I appreciate you as well as everyone else...the support has been wonderful!

Rin

I can't seem to get out of my mind what I'm going to do...I can't stop thinking about it...

I've heard before how hard it is to swallow his pride...just thinking about everything...

I feel like I have no direction right now and the only course I can stay on is the one that I'm on...

I need those links to signs of true remorse...like CJ's, i think I remember reading...

I have been invited to the "camp" for dinner...-HE'S COOKING-...he does an awesome chili that I love...so I agreed to go this Sat. @ 3pm...kids will be there...mind you it's amazing that he's cooking...that wasn't a thing that happen often...still no putting any stock in this one thing...

I can't say that I'm on a high or low right now...

Oh, the hotel called a little while ago and told me that they are filing a claim with their ins. company and that I should be contacted within the next 24/48 hrs. for more information...So, it looks like I will be getting that $100 back...that's a plus...

Well, let me get some more work done...I'm headed to Spon. house after work...I think that should STBX call, I'll let it go to VM...there's been a little too much contact for me right now...I don't feel drained or anything like that, I just don't want to deal with him...is that a bad thing do you think?

Rin,

Stay the course, girl. My opinion would be to keep things going with the D. There has to be much more to stop such a process, and he's not there, and may not be there before it goes thru.

Remember, "This love stuff is demanding", and until he asks "What can I do to reconcile with you?" AND follows thru, it's not worth it. Don't let this get you all twisted and tangled. Keep your eyes open, and see what he does, with consistency. That word is very important CONSISTENCY.

I noticed, when I did have contact with PWC, when he was away, my own FOG rolled back in, and I would have to remind myself that his words were meaningless unless backed by action. At the time, he never followed thru.

Let him keep coming to you.

I see you are IN LOVE with the Mary J. album. I often wonder if she's a Marraige Builder herself, when I listen to her lyrics. Food for thought.

Thanks SL...that's very comforting...Funny that you mention mary J., and YES I"M IN LOVE WITH IT>>>EVERY SONGGGG...Roses are my favorite right now...

I listened to it on the way to bring the heater to him last night and OS asked me to make a copy of it before he left with STBX...it was to listen in teh truck on the way up...I just wonder if STBX listened to it too and what he thought...

Those words are the path home in itself...I'm going to wear that thing CD out! Did you get it from Santa?

Hi Rin!

Welcome back! I'm glad you had such a wonderful time. I was thinking of you.

Just be in TODAY. In this MOMENT. Stop looking ahead at where you are going or might be going and enjoy the moment you are in now.

AND have faith...this isn't on your timeline, remember?

And the course you are on...who has that course all plotted out for you? Who will provide the insight at just the right time?

Remember your lessons....

SEE that's why I hang around...I need that remindered from time to tiem...


"PUT IT IN GOD'S HANDS!"

That's why I'm going to a meeting tonight too!

Gosh, SIS...That was a 2x4 for me and LOL, I know you didn't even mean that! I haven't hada duh moment in a long time...that sure felt like it...

THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!

LMAO...what other place can you get thanked for a pop on the head...that wonderful V8 moment! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BE still!

Rin,

Wow, sister! Lots happening. I was so glad to see Sis's post, as she said what I was thinking as I was catching up.

You don't have to DO anything right now.

Oh yes, I understand the need,,,,the agonizing feeling that you 'should' DO something! Trust me, I know.

But really, now is the time to sit back. As many have said, let it unfold.

Patience my dear, patience.

Thanks BUGS, I really appreciate that...I went to see my Spon. tonight and my meeting...it was good...always helps to go, clears my head...but yea, SIS's post put me in my place...

BIG duh moment...and you are so right...that urge...that old behavior resurfacing...leaping into the future...a subtle reminder...

I was going to go visit a friend after my meeting but I was falling asleep so I decided to come home...since it's cold I'm making a good ole'fashion corn soup...already in my pj's and I'm going to lounge around...relax, breathe, and enjoy my dog...

No word from STBX yet and I'm very happy with that!

So, I'll have patience...be still...enjoy life...continue to smile!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> and LMAO!!!!

Thanks again SIS! LOL...not often I need that... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And thus.. Rin finds her answers.

You don't have to act right now.. pray, ask God, and then listen.

Trust me, you will know when it is He who speaks to you.. and He will give you His answer in His time.

You're doing great.. stay the course ((((Rin))))

Morning James! I know that you are so right!

Yesterday I could see him working in my life! Simplifing some things for me...it was very clear with one of my friends I have here...there was an issue that I was going to address and I didn't have to address it at all...it just worked out..what a blessing...

Then the hotel thing with my money, that's working out for me...then I had a check come in the mail that I wasn't expecting for some time...I -KNOW- God's taking care of me...I feel his presence in my life...I'm so blessed to have him carry me this far...

I have a sticky note on my desk here at work, a result of Meggy actually!

It says: God would break this man in such a way that it would cause him to return to God and his family! So I pray for STBX several times a day when I see that! Know in my eyes that doesn't -HAVE- to mean ME...I pray that he will become a better person for himself and the boys...I don't -NEED- STBX, but they do! So, I'm okay with however God's chose to grant that pray or not grant that pray...

I-KNOW- in my heart that we will be fine...nothing bad has happened to us since we left...we have always had what we need when we need it...

I've got some finacial stuff going on right now and I know that will work out too, but it was adding to my stress yesterday...

I actually thought about sending STBX an email with the four rules of Marriage and saying that he could use these for any relationship, but chose not too...one, that's contact and I want to limit that...two, I thought that would just be bad...perhaps seen in the wrong light -RIGHT- now...

I just need to leave him alone and for him to leave me alone right now...only God can do for him right now...

LOL...I'm telling you, SIS gave me a big WHOOP in a little way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God, I so appreciate ALL of you...I didn't think taht I would ever get to this point that I would be considering or having to think about the possibility of a future down the line with STBX...b/c there was nothing wrong with him..."I was the one with the problem!" you know as far as he was concerned...well, I thought the same thing kind of...he was the problem, not me...

I had alot of owning to do...and I'm sure that I will have more...

Thing that's foremost in my mind is -I'M not the same person I was!-

E reminded me of that and I'm sure that plenty others can say the same thing...

At least I have you guys to help me stay the course!

Heartfelt thanks for all that you guys do for me!
Rin

Everyone can use a Nerf-wrapped 2x4 every now and again to remind them of what God can do if we will just let him.

Do not discount for a moment what a blessing you are to us as well Rin. Nobody found this website by accident.

I've mentioned (maybe not on this thread) that I look out for those signs in front of the churches on my way to and from places? I think that's a logical place to look for things God has to say to us.

One that stands out in my mind, which is perfect for you and Bugs, and SG.. and one my IC told me last night is beautiful for me as well is: Your life is a sermon. What kind of sermon are you giving?

This weeks ain't bad either: Trying times are not the times to stop trying.



God bless you Rin.. I have no doubt He will guide your path. Have no fear in your heart that He only wants to bless and enrich your life.

Hey Rin...does that sound familiar??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

James, I saw one of those right about the time I was going into plan B. It's still in my signature.

Hey Rin,

Shhhh (it's Lizzie). You know, as I was reading your thread, something struck me. It seems like the waywards always need to be holding on to SOMEONE. They leave their spouse for the A partner, and once it ends they look to run back to the spouse, and in many cases, they try to hold on to both.

I changed my screen name here because OW has been stalking me on some other boards that I am on, and referenced a letter that I gave to her H in one of her emails she sent me. I thought she may have found me here because I thought I had written to him about this site, but after checking that letter, I remembered that I told him about it verbally, so I think maybe I'm OK.

When my H told me 15 months ago that he wanted to come back home, he continued talking to OW on the phone two times a week until 5 months ago. He said that he wanted to have something to fall back on in case we didn't work out. He told me that he never imagined at the time that his talking to her would be the major factor responsible if we didn't recover our marriage. But 6 months ago, he said he woke up and realized what he was doing was wrong and felt like "we" were strong enough and would make it so he ended it. She threatened to call me and tell me if he didn't continue to talk to her, so he called her for another month and then abruptly cut her off. He says he knows that he should have told me right away, but was afraid of my reaction, and afraid that I would end it just when he was ready to give it all he had. He agreed to counseling then and we started. However, his deception has for me, undone all that we accomplished these past 5 months.

I don't know where I am going with this actually, but I was just noticing that while the A is ongoing, us BS's spend time alone, working on our own personal recoveries, learning and growing, while the waywards just bounce from one person to another. I guess I am saying that you have come so far. Don't be a temporary fix or the back-up plan for your STBX. If you do eventually get to the point that a reconciliation seems possible - set your requirements and boundaries firmly and do not budge even the tiniest little bit. I made the mistake and allowed my H to limit us to only 4 sessions with Steve Harley and then a re-evaluation. So of course he did those 4 sessions, paid his dues in his eyes, and then announced that he didn't want any more counseling. Of course not, he was still in contact with OW. Looking back, everything made sense. All along, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and relaxed my boundaries. Not this time. If I do go forward, what I need is iron clad. You can check out my thread under this name for details.

Stay strong, Rin. You are absolutely amazing!

Hey Rin...glad I could help. I didn't intend it at all as a 2x4, just a reminder of what you already knew.

You sound great! Absolutely wonderful.

Way to go, Rin!!

(((hugs)))

Rin- I have a couple things to say...

First- YOU don't have to do ANYTHING. It's totally in STBX's hands if you recover your marriage. YOU are already doing what you need to do for YOU and your family. You must see PROOF of what he is doing for the LONG TERM. Think of it like your children (if they're anything like mine, lol)- you "catch" them and they're remorseful and try for a few days but it doesnt' continue. That is why you are in PLAN A FOR RIN. You are making changes that WILL stick. You are remorseful for your part and you will do what it takes over the long haul- and you know this becasue you have been DOING it! You must see this in STBX, imho, for it to be "safe" to be in any relationship with him other than parents of your sons.

Phew... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

The other thing- remember about co-dependency. Not something you want to get back into, right??

I love you, Rin, your posts make me happy and your growth makes me think things are possible for ME!

HTH

Amen and ditto to what LD and HTH said.

Morning, Rin!

Good advice coming at you all around.

Thought I'd pop in my own .02 cents. When I start allowing someone to push my boundaries and I find my lines getting blurred, I try to make a list to bring it back in perspective.

So.....

My suggestion is to make a list. What does Rin need in a R? With anyone, not just POWS. What does Rin need in regards to her children when she is in a R?

What will she retain of herself, what is she absolutely not willing to give up or change about herself? Some things you may WANT to change - others you may not. That choice is yours, don't let someone adjust you to their liking.

That list can contain whatever you want it to - reminders to yourself of what you need and what your boundaries are.

Compare that list to POWS - what has he DONE to show you that he is willing to meet your standards for a R?

What has he tried to change in you that you are unwilling to change about yourself?

Has he made concrete movements towards renewing a relationship with you? What concrete things has he done? Are they enough?

These need to truly be things he has done or clearly said - not what you may have read into an action or hoped it meant.

It needs to be concrete - or my opinion is that the risk to Rin is too high.

Don't delay the D for crumbs. You are worth so much more.

He CAN give you more than crumbs - the questions is whether or not he chooses to do so. Accept no less than what you deserve.

Fox

OMG...All of the responses...I'm not use to that...I haven't had that in so long...and when I did I was in a bad place...so different from today...

Fox- I want to address this first...b/c I think that it goes hand in hand with what HTH was saying about being co-dependent...


You know for years, I -know- that I didn't like myself...there were things that I wanted to change but didn't know how...I really hated some of the things that I did...especially with the boys...but I just couldn't figure it out...

I've heard several times that we have to hit rock bottom b/f we can either gather the strenght to find a new way or be willing to -see- a new way...

We all know what the shock of betrayal is like...which intensified my PTSD, which led to an emotional rock bottom therefore I was left with no choice but to find a new way...

I -CAN'T- go back to who I was...it didn't work then and it certainly will not work again...I know that I will become resentful, angry, hateful, all those things I didn't like in the first place...

I have some other thingss that I want t address but I'm limited on time at the presetn moment...

K- Yes sweetie, OH so familiar...LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />