Prayers are most welcome. I can't go into details about it. It's not about me, or even family. But my heart hurts so much. It's tough when they try to notify everyone before it gets broadcast on the evening news and forget friends or don't allow enough time for the phone tree to work.

Rin - Please please please don't undo the work for safety you've done for so many months.

I'm really scared for you.

Rin you and I had a similar discussion about this today via IM and the same core question is one I asked you - What is your plan?

Everyone here can help you devise the right plan.

I agree with a lot of the statement by MEDC and mimi - do you see remorse? repentance?

Personally I know very little about abuse and have not experienced it first hand; however I have seen it's effects in the life iof my WW, and I can say that MEDC is right on here:

YOU know this - this is a part of your own history.

But I see the side of wanting to feel him out - the hope for reconciliation or even an attempt at it might be strong. I don't know what is right here, but I wonder if Steve Harley would say the same thing he said to me in my sitch- that the best case scenario would be for you/him to be in love with the father/mother of your children.

if that is the plan, then you need help in setting the parameters for that and a lot of people her3e can help with that.

Just my thoughts.

I don't think you need help, Rin.

You've read all the books.

You've been here long enough.

Make it simple.

"I cannot risk EVER having a relationship with you until you...MAKE A LIST...which would include ANGER MANAGEMENT TRAINING...

Rin-

Please listen to medc and mimi. They are right on. Until he comes back repentant-which means he has shown a change in behavior-then nothing has changed. One of my sisters and my best friend since high school both experienced DV. My sister's H was willing to get help, and come under the accountability of my brothers and dad. It took YEARS of that before his behavior really changed. My sis thought her M was over.

My bf since high school accepted small changes-and things would be good for a while. But, he isn't accountable to anyone. And then...all the excuses she gives me for her H's behavior as it escalates come back.They have had breaks of up to two years before it happens again. And it is happening again.

Please listen. Don't even open that door a tiny crack until he has been through DV treatment ON HIS OWN (not for you, not because the courts say he has to, but because he recognizes it and wants to change) and he has an accountability person he will turn to and answer to.

Divorce isn't necessarily the end of a M. Our God is a God who can bring things back to life.

Love ya'

I think this is SO KEY!!

Great point, JT!!

You are HOT tonight, JT... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ok, got it!

I never said that I was going to stop this D...I have full intentions of following through! WHY? FOR ME...and the kids!

That's our future! I have 76 days left!

And I have well told him that I'm not stopping it!

Great point JT!

Rin, don't accept the table scraps - you deserve the whole banquet that God has reserved for you.

Rin, DV treatment will take a few years. years. do not be lulled into thinking he is safe until you hear from a menatl health professional that he no longer presnts any danger to you or your kids.

Rin-

Good to hear! It's just that you had me worried for a sec and (in my best New York grandma accent) "you know how I worry. I worry! Now, be a good girl and eat this chicken soup."

Actually, if it was my mom, it would be a tuna casserole. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

PBL


Dear STBX,

I’m not sure what we have been doing there lately. I do love you and will always love you, for you are the father of my children. I want the best for them and the best marriage that I can have, one that is free from affairs on both our parts, both emotional affairs and physical affairs.

WE have not had the best marriage but I do have hopes that some day that can be possible. It didn’t start out well, and it certainly hasn’t ended all that well. I feared you when I left. The things that you had done left me with a fear that the next step was you putting your hands on me.

I loved you dearly but I couldn’t stand the thought of that and I had to leave, not only for my sake but because I didn’t want the boys learning that kind of thing was okay. DO you remember the reaction the night that you broke the glass? Do you remember your son crying?

I want things to be different then they were. I want a healthy relationship where anger is dealt with in a more positive light. I want to love you and only you. I never want to hurt you by cheating on you or be hurt by being cheated on.

I’m willing to try to reconcile but I strongly feel that without the following things I can not do this.

Marriage counseling
Anger management
No contact letters (I’ll write one to T)

Having all of us together again would be a dream come true for me and I’m sure the boys also. I was trying to have a relationship with you but the pain and hurt is still there. I accept my part of the failure of our marriage. I have hurt you. I have hated you! I have twisted things around to make me right. I can’t and won’t do those things anymore. I have learned so much about myself and the things that I did wrong, why I chose to cheat, what I didn’t do for you, how I didn’t meet your emotional needs, etc.

I have completely enjoyed our recent time together but it’s hard. I’m wondering if it’s really over. , if you are wanting to get back together, if you’re willing to do the work as much as I am…

I love you but I can’t continue like this. So, until it is directly related to the kids, please do not contact me. I will not contact you either. This is hard all over again and I really don’t want this but I have too.

Rin



HE'S NOT LIKE YOU THINK HE IS!!!!!!!

:jeSUS, PLEASE HELP ME!:

I said the same thign when you all started telling me these things...

I was partly afraid because I listened to you all...you all scared the crap out of me...

I was a very emotional person back then...

I understand that you are all here out of care and concern and you don't want to see me get hurt...

I get that...but this is my life too!\

I know that you all are just going to say somethign like well, all abused people defend the abuser...

What about my fear when I was a kid...I've been hit before...

it was pointless when I was trying to defend him then...

I'm too emotional to think tonight...I'm just to upset...

I know that you are all looking out for me...I know but GOT [email]da@@[/email] This is hard enough!

OKay, I'm sorry about earlier..I had issues with anyone who was angry with me, not just him...I couldn't stand for anyone to me mad at me...today, people can just be mad...if I did something wrong, I can apolgize for it like places blame where it shouldn't be...

like seom of the comments that I made earlier tonight...

I'm sorry...I'm not turning to hold anyone responsible for my stuff...I did what I did...

He's just not like that...he was never that bad, yes, he has/had trouble expressing anger and any other emotion for that matter...

I was intimidated by his anger...the night that he borrow the glass, I wasn't scared of him then, it wasn't until later when I realized that it was DV that I got scared...thinking that this is the way things are going and if it continued then the next thing on the list was putting his hands on me...

All the things that he did hurt, but I was not afraid when it was taking place...I was afraid after the fact...

You guys have been so supportive...during this process...the whole thing...I lost it earlier and for my reaction I'm truely sorry...I understood that you all are only looking out for my safety and well being...I felt that no matter what I said you will think that I'm just defending him...

I would not have considered R at all before now...I'm still not sure that is what I want...I know more what I don't want...and I don't want a marriage in which him or I cheat..well, a marriage in which either party cheats...

Like I said I'm still not sure that I want to R with him...I was in a fog of my own TBH...alot of the things that he has said to me in the past...I KNOW that I took it the wrong way...

He would get on me about not visiting my family more and I couldn't bring myself to do it...a lot of my issues were related to being sexually abused and raped so many times...I was afraid of so much...going places...doing things...

I've worked on all of that stuff this past year...

Can we put aside abuser stuff aside and address other issues? I have talked with people IRL about it...I have you guys looking out for me here and I have people looking out for me here also...

I've been told that I have a great head on my shoulders, to be careful, to check in...

I was so guilty of doing my own twisting of reality...

STBX and I had a horrible beginning...I was raped before OS was born and I didn't tell anyone until months later, I told him...he remembers that day all to well, he came home from work and I was in the tub...had all of the feeling assocaited with it...we were being pressured to get marriaged b/c I was pregnant...he didn't know if it was his or not...but he chose to marry me anyway...

I was standing at the end of the isle and I didn't want to get married either...but that was the best choice for me at the time...I made my chose, he made his...we worked it out...

We talked about this the other night, I never told him how I felt about getting married and why I said yes...it was easier to marry him then return to my family, pregnant with a black man's baby...I picked the harder path b/c I lost my family for being with him...they didn't want to be around "those" kind of people...

WE have the unique history of the "open marriage"...then I wanted to stop all of that...I was growing and changing...I had YS, he didn't really want a second child...I had my A, confessed...then along came his...in his mind I did the same thing but was requiring more of him than he required of me...

We have fought tooth and nail to be together through all of our stuff...this D is an end to all the bad for me, in my eyes with him...anything there after is a new beginning...where we can put all of the past behind us and really chose whether or not we want to be together...

He gets the same chose that I do...to see if he wants to be with me...but first he has to figure out if he likes the new me and I have to figure out where I like who he is...

All judgments aside...yes, I'm still concerned about OW and I will need things should I chose that directions...I want NC, and MC...LATER DOWN THE ROAD...

What I see so far I like...it's not my DH...I have a STBX...I see some of the old but it's different...it's calmer, more thoughtful, caring...

That's about him and the thing is I'm comfortable in my own skin today...I don't want to hid in the background of life where people can't see me because I don't want the attention...I'm strong and confident...I want to be seen, I want to be noticed...I like dressing nice...I don't fear OP attention, if I don't like it, I ignore it...or say something...I stand up for myself...that's an awesome feeling...amazing to be so proud of myself...

I feel so bad for projecting my [email]cr@p[/email] onto him, but I can't change that...I didn't speak up and I should have but the fight was kicked out of me long before he came along...that's not his fault that I didn't stand up for myself and said that I didn't want to do this or that...my whole world revolved around sex...I know a better way of life now...

Like I said before, I can't go back to that...I'm moving forward, it's up to him if he wants to tag along...he's got his own stuff to own and wake up too...

With all of that, I am able to put that stuff on the side for the time being...

What I'm trying to say is that we have been dealing with other important issues that led us to where we are today...

it's hard to talk about those things and the other things that I have had to deal with in this past year that led to us cheating...you know you only feel so comfortable talking about so much on line...there's always more to the picture then what everyone talks about...

To me these other issues are more important right now adn it's just going to take time...plenty of it...years like MEDC mentioned...I'm tired of jumping off cliffs...

This is the first time that he or I have had a higher power so strongly in our lives...

sorry, I can't ignore the big elephant in the room.


anger management DOES NOT WORK FOR ABUSERS. All the other issues are unimportant without addressing this first.

Making any plans to even consider getting back with him before he has had extensive therapy is not very rational and will put you and the kids in harms way. Please do not conside this.

I suggest you do a web search for "anger, management, abuser".

[color:"red"] Anger management is useful for people that have anger in all phases of their life...they lash out at everyone. Domestic violence therapy is appropriate for people that abuse those closest to them. There is a distinct difference in the therapies and chances for recovery. DV therapy is, sadly, not very effective. [/color]

(((Rin)))

Ok.. so it's not D-day stuff.. it may not even be A stuff anymore.

But you -still- need to breathe. Be still.

I haven't been around much this weekend but just looking at the most recent page or two it looks like Rin's on the rollercoaster again. Yeah, the ride is different this time, but it appears that you're getting caught up in it again and letting things get more confusing and out of control for yourself than they really have to be.

Have you been praying? Have you sought out and listened for God's answers? What is it He is saying to you?

Are you truly able right now to look at the situation without all the jumbled emotions getting in the way? If not, time to be still.. let the dustup settle a little so you can get a better picture.. a clearer perspective on your options, where -you- are at, and what your needs are. There's no need to rush through this to get to Recovery.. this is an important crossroads you have in front of you.

Just be careful and look out for Rin.. we're behind you in whatever you decide.

But what about the REPENTANCE? What about his taking PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for his wrongdoing? Otherwise it can be BS. I learned this from my FWH who USED to be the MASTER of this with me before he REALLY changed....because I cut him out of my life and he thought he had lost me forever...cause I wasn't taking anymore of his crap...

STAND TALL and let him know that you want a FEAST..a BANQUET..DIAMONDS and not glass..not just reading some books.."I AM SORRY ABOUT WHAT I HAVE DONE TO YOU..I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE"...

MEDC: You are right. I had the wrong name for it...not just ANGER MANAGEMENT..DV THERAPY...Rin, I would at least request for him to be EVALUATED by a therapist.

Why..LATER DOWN THE ROAD? This should be the requirement in order for him to be alone with you, IMO.



This has happened since you have been away from him...You will lose this in being DISRESPECTED by him..by him not apologizing to you and humbled...



This is so sad. YOU are feeling BAD and he is not. At least, you are not indicating that he comes across as feeling bad about anything...He should be SORROWFUL. I know how this looks. Right this minute if I bring up the affair to my H and express how it makes me feel, I see GUILT and SORROW on his face, like I have stabbed him...that is LOVE..that is what you DESERVE...I don't bring it up that much anymore because every single day he does his very best to make his amends...HIS ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN HIS WORDS..because HIS WORDS were often BS..he told me that.."WATCH MY ACTIONS"...