My SIL is having computer problems, along with WH being around, so I offered to update for her. Her WH is in deep fogland. He has been home from his business trip since last Thursday and his acting like a real jerk. He's leaving again tomorrow thru Friday. She told him he needs to tell the kids Friday and move out Saturday. He acted like he wouldn't do this because he has nowhere to go. Boo Hoo! Her gut is that he will resist leaving.

Several days ago he asked her to drive his car in for servicing and he drove her car. Sitting right on the seat was the last 2 yrs of tax returns and a D attorney's name with an appt for tomorrow. She did not confront him about this. I adviced her not to, and to be as covert as possible. What do you all think? She has a consult with an attorney this Friday.

Also, the whole family(meaning SIL's 3 brothers and kids) are going to a baseball game tonight. WH was planning on going and was totally shocked when SIL said she does not want him to go. He does not know we all know yet. Obviously no guilt or remorse.

OK, questions.

1) How does a BS get a reluctant WS out of the house?

2) I have advised her to contact the OW's H. the OW has been Med for yrs, is 52, and has a 32 yr old son. She knows where they live, but does not know where the H works. Any good snooping advice to get this info? She was going to call at home but I am advising her not to do anything to clue the OW in on things yet. Not sure if that is good advice or not.

3) She was thinking of sending a family picture to the OW to work on her conscience. My advice was not to do that. Chances are she's as fogged out as WH and won't give a sh!! anyway.

Any further advice would be greatly appreciated. This all really sucks! I really do hate people in As! They are such di** heads!

Aloha CV55,

Let SIL know that exposure to OW's H is vital. Not letting OW know is also important.

Let her become more resourceful. Do a search on him if needed. Notify support group that you are searching for his work info. Make sure those support people understand this is NOT a revenge quest, rather it is a quest to block the A from doing further damage to you and your family.

Presentation is key when asking your supporters for help. Let them know that you will give a hearing ear to their POVs because you respect them, then on that premise ask they then respect your decisions even if they may not understand all because you may not be able to disclose all info leading to your decision to your entire support group at all time. Let them know dealing with this issue is highly stressful and constantly changing your world so you have to be alert 24/7. That their support is important to you and that you appreciate it very much. A few hi-5's their way, can help you farther down the road. The more eyes you have on the A, the less stress it will create for you and make it more manageable.

Hope this helps!.
L.

CV,

If OW's H is any kind of licensed professional, his place of employment can be usually found by looking on the website for the state licensing boards for that profession. Also, the professional associations for most professions usually have "referral services" on the web that will give you a local name and business for many professionals, by zip code.

She might also find his place of employment in a similar way if she knows his trade.

I found OW on the web by a simple Google search, with her name in quotation marks, followed by the city she lives in

"Stupid Biaatch" anytown

Sb

He should be told ASAP that everyone knows. Keeping it a secret defeats the purpose of exposure. Also, why would she not want him to go? I think she should try to get him to come, but tell him on the way there that everyone knows all about his affair. <smile>


OK, questions.


Start by asking him to leave voluntarily. Next step would be to get a legal seperation.


Tell her to disguise her # using *67 and ask for Mr OW when she thinks the OW might be gone. Even if OW is there, if he comes to the phone she can tell him about the affair. If it were me, I would get in my car and drive over there and knock on the door. I would also suggest that she call the 32 yr old son and tell him.


agree!

Orchid wrote:

"Notify support group that you are searching for his work info. Make sure those support people understand this is NOT a revenge quest, rather it is a quest to block the A from doing further damage to you and your family."

Orchid, not sure what you mean by support group. Don't mean to be too dense here.

sb, those are some helpful ideas. Ideally I think she would like to contact him at work.

"He should be told ASAP that everyone knows. Keeping it a secret defeats the purpose of exposure. Also, why would she not want him to go? I think she should try to get him to come, but tell him on the way there that everyone knows all about his affair. <smile>"

Mel, her children don't know yet, so telling him on the way is not an option. She is trying to time it so they have a little time to deal with their devestation. Plus she would like her kids and herself to at least have this enjoyable time before she drops the bomb. My other BIL's GF got us all a loge(sp?) through her job. I told her if he wants to come she should tell him we all know and none of us want to be with him now. I think she is just being covert until she gets her plan together. To be honest I have also advised her to that right now. He is obviously plotting and planning, so I think she should keep him in the dark until she gets everything in order. Also, I think she wanted to do the massive exposure after he is out of the house.

I think I asked this on the other thread. Since she is contemplating Plan D because this is a 2nd A, do you still think it is wise to follow Plan B to the letter? My thoughts were even if she does dump him at least she might get OW out of her and her kids' lives.

Thanks much to everyone who is responding. I felt jittery after getting off the phone with SIL. Makes me remember what it's like dealing with an entitled WS, the snooping, protecting oneself, etc. YUCKY!

SIL told me she and WH went to a football banquet for their 16 yr old son. Her son was smiling and happy. WH was being friendly to people, acting like he is father of the year. The football coach gave a speach about not cheating, honor, and integrity. WOW!

If she is unsure of Plan D, she could go into a strict Plan B until she does decide. If she does want a divorce, I would probably still go into Plan B, but just not as strict so I wouldn't have to be exposed to his crap.

CV55, she WILL expose to the OWH, right? That might inflict the death blow...

Whoever she has close to her who will support her and NOT the WS. C/b friends, relatives, co-workers, her children, doctor, neighbors, IC/MC, school, even us here @ MB, etc.

SIL called me today with an update and asked me to tell you all what is happening and get your advice. Her computer is down at home and she is unable to post from work.

First to answer your question Mel.

"CV55, she WILL expose to the OWH, right? That might inflict the death blow..."

Mel, I have told her she needs to do this. I believe she intends to, but really wants to call him at work. I also think she wants to do the exposure after he is out of the house. Also she can't go to the OW's house because she is in another state.

Orchid thanks for explaing that to me.

OK, here's the update. I was so POed at her [censored] H that I probably didn't get all of what she told me entirely right. I was too busy shaking my head and screaming into the phone. When she got home last night from the baseball game her WH told her they needed to talk about either telling the kids or his moving out. She told him fine, let's talk. He didn't want to talk last night because it was too late, and not this morning either. And he is going out of town today, after his secret D attorney meeting. She told him they have to tell the kids on Saturday, which he clearly does not want to do. He also does not want to move out on Saturday.

He sent her an e-mail which was full of fogbabble. All the typical WS crap. He'll need some time to find an apt which is why he can't move out pronto. His C told him he doesn't have to leave if he isn't physically abusing her or the kids. What about emotional abuse I asked her? He told her he is passionate about his children and that won't change. He was very POed about not going to the baseball game. SIL is using the kids and trying to turn them against him. Why would she deprive them of his presence at the game? They have fun with him, so why couldn't he go? Earth to WH!!!!

What else? I should have had her e-mail me his letter. He mentioned the A, but talked about the problems in their M. The old "The A isn't our problem or the cause of our break-up." Oh yeh, I remember this next line from my H. I'm sure his OW is feeding this crap to him. He told SIL he knows he is a goodhearted person, or something like that.

SIL is a wreck. Not eating or sleeping, and beginning to fall apart again. She wants him out of the house, but is afraid he won't leave. She also is afraid he won't tell the kids. I advised her to tell them if he won't.

Can you all help to break it all down for her. I am not an expert at Plan B so am not sure my advise is that great. What do you think about what I'm thinking?

1) She is seeing attorney for a consult Friday. I told her she can then find out what's legal or not.

2) I recommended she get on an AD. She was going to try some natural remedies but I think she might need something more fast acting. Right now she is taking sleep meds and anxiety meds, and is having difficulty functioning at work.

3) I think she should tell the kids, with or without him, on Saturday.

4) If he does or doesn't move out I think she should start exposing pronto. At least by next Monday. I will advise her to come here to find out exactly who to expost to.

Thank you all so much. It's rough enough watching people on MB go through this. It's so hard when it hits this close to hime. Affairs suck big ones!

So he says he wants to talk and when she accommodates, he backs off. See this? Does she?

Ok, now's the time to use his own words against him. Saturday isn't a magic day, just a covenient one. At this point, I'd say all bets are off. SIL needs t/d what is best for SIL and family.

Holding all off until Saturday will drive her bonkers and the kids already know mom is not doing well. Why stress them during the week wondering if they did something to make mom stress? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Nope, best to blow the WS' cover, get her and the children on the same team and page. Then whop the WS in the eyes.

Use the reasoning that it was HIS idea to tell the children, so SIL did. As for time HE needs..... that's his problem. Sleeping accommodations is NOT her issue, that's his. He found a way to have an A, he can find a place to stay. Tell him to call his 'friend'.

Yea....force him to figure things out based on SIL's timetable NOT when it is convenient for the WS and OP.

That will give her the upper hand. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

I think she should tell the kids, today.

Also, expose to OWH today.

Why wait until it is convenient for WH?


WH is already visiting attorneys, and has his plan in place. The upper hand is in exposure. While he is gone, she can control what is said to the children, and WH cannot "spin" it his way, which he WILL try to do.

Also, he currently believes he is in control - that your SIL is weeping and pining for him, that she won't do anything without him. This makes it the perfect time for exposure, because he isn't planning on her doing anything at all. He believes HE is controlling the entire game, as he did before.

She should make him believe in the NEW SIL.

If she wants to divorce him, the NEW SIL gains by this.
If she wants to reconcile, the NEW SIL gains by this.

Either way, she is in a position of strength, because he doesn't expect her to do anything at all.

SB

CV55,

Well, so much for my "shock and awe" theory, right??

Why can't she feel the righteous anger deep inside of her that we feel when reading this? She is living this and should be LIVID at this arrogant [censored]. HE is in the wrong, the morally corrupt person, and HE is directing the script. HE is the one PO'd because of this or of that!

""IL is a wreck. Not eating or sleeping, and beginning to fall apart again. She wants him out of the house, but is afraid he won't leave. She also is afraid he won't tell the kids. I advised her to tell them if he won't.""

SHE IS AFRAID!! WHY AND WHAT IS SHE AFRAID OF?? Is she afraid that if she stands up for herself AND THE DEAR CHILDREN he may get PO'd and leave?? THE GUY IS GONE ANYWAY!!!

AFRAID HE WON'T LEAVE??? CHANGE THE FRICKIN LOCKS, THEN GO BALLISTIC WHEN HE STARTS BANGING ON THE DOOR!!

She will not even expose!!

I see her as a timid little mouse laying in a corner in the fetal position weeping and whining and sobbing.

If some stranger attacked her child, would she be afraid to defend the child because the attacker might get angry??

She is in a very hopeless situation and is at this ahole's mercy. AND THIS IS HIS SECOND AFFAIR!! Correct me if I am wrong here.

I must stop because I am BANGING my fingers on the keyboard in frustration.

kirk

Thanks for the replies! I'm only going to reply to Kirk at the moment in order to clear some things up.

Kirk, I understand your frustration but my SIL is not this.

"I see her as a timid little mouse laying in a corner in the fetal position weeping and whining and sobbing."

She is someone who unfortantely as had to rely on me to represent her here, so maybe I'm not doing a very good job. Her DD has been out of the country and just came back,so she had to wait to tell them. Her WH has been travelling and is gone again today, so she hasn't been able to tell them. I have been advising her to let him say the words about his A so he faces the full consequences of seeing the damage. This weekend is literally the 1st time she would be able to do that.

She wants to kick him out and change the locks but needs to know if it is legal to do that or not. The attorney will tell her on Friday. I have also advised her to be covert and plan carefully before she drops the bomb. He is become nastier and the pressure is just really getting to her now. I remember those early days where my anxiety was off the charts before I got on an AD.

Also realize that SIL got terrible advise from her IC back in February which has totally made this sitch worse. Plus she is afraid for her and the kids financially and for them emotionally. She is ready to move forward, so please support her. She still does not know where OW's H works. I hope she will be able to come here soon and post for herself.

CV,

She should move quickly to protect the finances - while he is gone.

Move as much cash as she can into an account of her own. He might have one of his own, it is something to consider. He has had lots of time to prepare, while she hasn't.

There are websites that cost about 40 bucks to do a quick information search on people. My dad used it to find his sister - and it worked very quickly. US People Search is the name of it, I believe....anyway, it was fast, easy, cost-effective, and gave the correct results. He had results within 5 minutes, and called his sister right away. They had been estranged for years, and she had moved several times.

SB

Changing the locks is may not be in the letter of the law. If she can prove she does not feel safe for her and children, the local police dept may tell her they can't tell her NOT to do it.

I checked with mine. Ws' name was on the rental agreement but I did not feel safe so I changed the deadbolt. WS never filed charges. When I needed to keep him out, I put on the deadbolt and door lock. When he was allowed into the house, I put on the regular lock w/o the deadbolt.

L.

Hi all! Here's an update. My SIL told her children yesterday. This morning she asked her brothers and me to meet with her and told us what happened.

Driving to the meeting today felt like there had been a death. Then my SIL walked in dressed in black, and later I told her it looked like she wore her funeral outfit. She told us yesterday her WH tried very hard to sabatoge the telling to the kids. It was amazing, but SIL has learned how to be tricky herself and thwarted his plans. So he was forced to be present. When she told her kids(16 & 19) that he was having an A they both started sobbing. Her 16 yr old son, a very quiet boy, told his dad "****** You!" He locked himself in his room and I think ended up punching a hole in the wall. Their daughter was more reserved, but wrote her dad a note saying she wants to talk to him as soon as he gets home from his business trip.

Meanwhile her WH didn't say anything, but later tried to at least get into his kids' rooms. His son wouldn't let his parents in. A real mess. The WH ended up leaving and when he came back locked himself in his office. He left this morning I believe without saying anything. I do think that it was the best thing for her WH to actually see 1st hand the consequences of his actions. The effect of seeing the impact of his childrens' pain can't be had 2nd hand. The consequences are starting to be doled out. He now knows we all know. And if he had the fantasy that his kids would be happy for him that has been dashed also. He is very isolated and probably only has the OW pumping him up with how wonderful he is now.

Because of some of the people I've met on MB who have gone through this twice, I am trying to have an open mind about SIL having a real recovery with him. She is feeling like there is no hope, but I told her today take it one day at a time. I still think she should do everything in her power to break up the A, even if it's just to get the OW out of her life. She is going to contact the OW's H soon. I think if she does full exposure her WH's La La Land bubble will continue to burst. All of this for some woman he met at a convention and probably talks to her via e-mail and phone. These As are so ridiculous. He has agreed to move out, which is good.

So that's it for now. Thanks for all your help through me to her.

My heart goes out to those kids.

I'm breaking inside for them, knowing their pain.

I'm with the boy. (&*(&*(^^ HIM!!!!!!


SB