I have been married for 11 years and found out 2 weeks ago yesterday my wife was just beginning an affair. I was sick and stayed home from work, he called twice, and I heard EVERYTHING. He was a close friend and we had just went riding motorcross the night before. I sat on the phone in disbelief, thinking at any moment she would come down the stairs and tell me it was a joke. But then when the second call happened, I knew.

I heard them talk very dirty(mostly her to him), I heard about them making out the night before in our RV while I was in the basement getting the bikes ready. I heard about her masturbating that morning thinking of him. I called his wife and we got together a gameplan and confronted them both. We made sure we seperated them both and made sure there was no contact. We began checking their stories against each other and all 4 of us met face to face to be sure it was clear this was over and there was to be no contact.

At first I was forgiving and I blamed myself for not giving her the praise and feeling of appreciation she deserved. They both claim there was never intercourse and the night before I discovered was as heated as it had become.

I feel I have gathered all the facts over the last two weeks and have a clear picture of what went on. At first I was trying to change myself to fix some things that were wrong with me and started trying to give her the attention she needed.

Of course he has been telling his wife it was all my wife's fault. However, I found out this is not the first time he has done this and the time he was caught before the situation was almost exactly the same. He continues to try to pin it all on my wife because she is a very touchy feely person and telling his wife "You saw how she was!". Like he couldn't stop himself. She claims he was the first to make an advance and that started everything, but she has also admitted she was the one that called him in the RV and she knew what she wanted to do when she called him in there. I want to believe that she is being honest about everything. Should I?

I feel she was preyed on by him, but that is no excuse. We live right down the street from them, so we are moving 40 miles away. I have been checking her every move to be sure nothing is still going on and have had lots of communication with his wife.

She says she is guilty and remoreseful, and I believe her tears and pain are real. She says she deserves whatever she gets. I know she is a good person at heart, and I know she is hurting.

However, since Sunday I have had these feelings of anger toward her. We are seeing a marriage counselor, and he says the depression I have been feeling is b/c I am not expressing my anger. I was only really angry with her that first day, and since then I guess I have been trying to make her see what she needed was always right here.

We have made love several times since I discovered everything, but I am still having a lot of trouble with thoughts creeping in my head when we are in bed. Sunday I told her no more sex until I sort this out and work through these feelings of anger I have with her. I just see her as so selfish now.

She has been very willing to talk about it and answered all my questions. I have not caught her in a lie and several of the things I have found have backed up her stories.

I don't like being angry with her, but part of me thinks a little distance is good and let's her know what she could have lost.

I am a very spiritual person and my faith has been tested through this. I was living a life where I believed what I had been taught all my life about God, but I have never had to lean on him. Also, I was putting the "things" in my life in front of what is really important. I see now how he was preparing me for what was to come the week before I found out, and it is amazing. My faith says forgive and put it in His hands, but the hurt and the anger make it hard sometimes.

I love my wife a great deal and everytime I see her I want to hold her and love her and shower her with affection, but there is part of me that feels like that is letting her off easy and I just need to be mad at her for a while. Is this right?

We have read through the material on this site together the last two weeks and we both know what was broken in our marriage and what we have to fix, but did I try to reconcile too early and that's why I am back to being mad again?

In the midst of all this we are trying to get our house ready to sell and looking for a new home in the new area. It is hard to let go of all the "things" in my life, and there are times I resent her for it, but I know this is for the best and I will be happier when this is all done. I still have trouble letting go though.

I guess I just need some advice on if I am going about this the right way, and if there are any tricks to get past these movies that occassionally play in my mind of them together. Also, does anyone need a good used RV! I can't even go in that thing anymore! Thanks for listening.

Welcome and glad you found us. The hurt of betrayal takes about 2 years to process, so I think you are doing very well. Everyone has problems with the movies going through their head, but that fades with time.

It is a mistake to stop having sex. You need to do things that bond you, not distance you.

Make sure to read all about the emotional needs. It would be good for both of you to do the questionnaire and be sure that you are each meeting the other's top ones.

It will take a long time to trust her again, and it would be foolish not to be hestitant until she has proved that she is steadily trustworthy.

Moving is an excellent choice.

Thanks so much for the reply. It's like a knife in my soul. What makes matters worse is how we always said that this was the cardinal sin and that neither of us would ever forgive if the other strayed.

She has told me there was one time while we were having sex and they were starting out getting physical she had imagined it was him instead of me. She says it just happened once, but that is enough. Our sex life never suffered throughout this, but now I am constantly having these thoughts when we are doing it. It's really painful sometimes and I just want to stop.

We did the questionaire and it has helped a LOT. We are working on each other's needs.

So you don't think I am letting her off too early/easy?

No I don't. She still needs to prove that she is trustworthy, and that will take some time. She should be an open book, and you should have her passwords, and access to her phone. Trust, but verify.

You might want to post on Recovery. It is kind of slow, but the folks there are going through the same thing.

You need to reclaim your lives together by having sex, spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together, and building new memories.