Let me start by saying straight up that I am definitely NOT ready to date. I'm not even entirely comfortable in situations that are not a date by any stretch of the imagination but leave me alone with a man in a social-ish setting - like even in the lunch room at work. I'm just not used to the idea of being single and I think I'm a little afraid that I am viewed differently by others.

So why do I ask this question? Well, I have several well meaning friends who are starting to give me that little "push" out into the singles world. Nothing too serious yet, though one of them dug up an old BF from high school and gave him my phone number (hasn't called yet fortunately) and another has been suggesting various venues to meet other single people. While I truly appreciate the help and support they have shown during this very difficult time, I'm simply not ready for this.

I feel like I need to get used to being alone first. I need to develop the confidence that I can live by myself and look after myself and my finances. I still have huge emotional swings - sometimes I miss WH so much it hurts and other times I wish he would develop gangrene or something. Until I can sort this out in my own head, how can I even consider meeting other people - least of all, dating them.

My friends have never been through this and clearly don't understand. They do believe that if they can get me out into the world, I'll realize there are plenty of fish in the sea and get over WH faster. That kind of strategy worked in HS, but I'm about to turn 40 and I've spent most of my adult life married so it's just not that easy.

If there is a hard and fast rule, or even a well respected guideline about this, perhaps it can help me explain to them why I'm so resistant to all their efforts to help. Even some sort of guideline that allows me to set a goal for myself - as in, in six months time I will be self-sufficient - to work towards (I'm very goal oriented).

MB'ers, can you help?

P.S. To those who might think I'm jumping the gun because I'm not divorced yet - my jurisdiction treats the separation agreement in the way most jurisdictions consider a divorce and a divorce is only required to remarry - so I'm legally separated (it's all semantics).

Hey Tabby~

Well...I'm certainly not an expert, and I'm sure there are others that are much more experinced than I, but I can share with you my personal experience thus far. Our situations are both pretty fresh. My entire ordeal started in March, and my D is final this Thursday. My STBXW started dating as soon as she walked out a month ago. And I mean the word dating in a very loose terms if you catch my drift. It bothered me. And I thought, if she can do it then why can't I. What I didn't realize that as the BS, I was still an emotional cripple. And what you also realize very quickly is that the people that you are meeting for the first time don't know your situation, nor do they even really care about it all that much. I didn't realize how much my situation consumed me until I started talking to new people.

What I have realized is that I have to start working on being me again...and I think that you are on track with your thoughts there. The thing that sucks is that being alone is never fun, and you do have that desire for companionship..so you become conflicted and fall off track on taking care of you first from time to time.

What you will also need to be prepared for is a level of disappointment and a certain amount of rejection. I met a woman via an online dating site and we really hit it off. We had many shared interests, could talk for hours on the phone about a variety of subjects, emails were equally compelling. Problem was that although we had pictures of one another, we still hadn't met. The anticipation built and we finally agreed to meet..both of us really anxious to meet. And we did. And for whatever reason..it didn't click like we thought it might. Talking to her made me feel great...like there was some "reason" this all happened to me. That there were more compatible people out there and I was glad to be rid of ex. But, when the click didn't happen..I became depressed all over again. It was a set back. However, it was also a learning experience.

So..I don't know that there are any hard & fast rules. I think it's a subjective thing. I think that you will know when you are ready.

Hi Tabby,

If you've read my posts, you know I'm clearly not qualified to give advice on when it IS okay to start looking again.

That said, I can offer a little insight on when even someone as impatient as I knows that it's too early. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Okay... First, before I say anything substantively, I want to let HG know how much I envy him. My divorce has been proceeding (actually in the judicial process) for over a year now, and it's still several weeks or months away from completion. I never thought that I would feel that way about divorces, but forcing an aggrieved spouse to stay tied to one who has trashed the marriage vows is cruel, and the length of time required to get through the process in my state is unconscionable.

As for when it's "too soon," the simple answer is that you KNOW that it's too soon. Some people will tell you to wait 1 year for every 3, 4, or 5 years of marriage. I'm not sure exactly how to count the 3 years you lived together, but in any event the guidelines would indicate, for you, that you should keep you off the market for one to 2 years.

In my case, I'm "supposed" to be off the playing field and in the lockers for anywhere from 3 to 5 years (depending whom you ask). I don't want to make a mistake and jump too soon into a new relationship (some may think that I already tried it... and maybe I did), but I have no intention of waiting THAT long before finding someone to share my life with. I guess if God has other plans, those will win-out.

What I would counsel is to, at the very least, not consider dating again until the pain has subsided enough for you to go long periods of time (i.e. at least "weeks") without feeling hurt when you think of your stbx's betrayals. I, for one, don't think I will ever stop regretting that my marriage crumbled, but I'm not hurt by that anymore... Just a little sad. I think the sadness is a reminder that I'm human and I would like to believe that the fact that I'm sad about such a tragic turn means that I am a better person than I might otherwise be.

Love is a powerful "drug." I guess the fear is that by "shooting up" with it, you'll divert your emotional resources away from healing from the wounds of yor stbx's betrayals, and then the wounds will just lay there dormant.

Maybe that's what happened to me. I do believe I had done a lot of personal healing over the first several months. I dove into it, but not as a task to be accomplished. I wanted to be better (whole) and better in the sense of turning my back on my shortcomings. I know that I did make big strides, and have continued to progress. Maybe when I met my online-pen pal who became more than just a friend, I wasn't healed enough, but I know for sure that I was much better equipped to love the way a strong and mature man is supposed to love than I was at any point when my stbxw was with me. I was much stronger and healthier emotionally than I ever remember being before. Whether I was as strong and healthy as I *should have been*, I guess, is another question.

I don't know what to tell you that might help you to heal faster, or if there is anything that can be said at all. However, I do want you to know that, I, for one, will not judge you for your hesitation at the idea of a new relationship. In fact, I applaud you. I believe I read somewhere that well-meaning friends (and possibly family... my parents immediately picked a girl from their church they want me to "meet") are often driven by either their compassion for your pain or THEIR uncomfortableness with your situation. As far as the second line of reasoning goes, I guess their thoughts are something along the lines of "I would much rather deal with Tabby being happy about a new relationship than have to face the ugly truth of her pain, because I don't want to imagine that I might ever have to face that sort of pain, too."

Take your time... Don't even think of dating until you begin to feel good again about yourself. I won't bother on suggesting you wait longer, since I began to look (whether ultimately right or wrong), myself, when I started feeling strong again.

Good luck and God bless
WBF

Tabby,

first, dating in your 20's is like dating now. . . you just have to maintain the right viewpoint or perception.

First, don't look at dating as spouse hunting. Spouse Hunting is a term that i use for people who feel or think that the ONLY reason to date is to find a new spouse.

You aren't ready to start serious dating until three events have happened.

First, you live on your own long enough to come to the conclusion that if you never find another spouse, you will be just fine, because you have all these wonderful activities that you can do or have to do. . .

Second, you have figured out what type of person you are attracted to who isn't going to treat you well. That would be liars, cheats, game players, mentally ill, jeykells, hydes. Once you figure out these people's manipulative motivations, and you can spot them as soon as they open their mouths, then you are half way there. . .

Third, you have dumped two or three manipulators after the first meeting, and others after a second or third meeting. . .

You see, what you need is to know yourself, and what you want, and two, the ability to say NO to what you don't want. . . once you have reached that point, after practicing casual dating, meaing going out to have fun with the goal of learning about people, and not about finding people. . . then you will be able to identify a potential spouse and establish an exclusive relationship. . .

wiftty

Couple of things I wanted to note here...

WBF ~ In my state there are 2 choices...dissolution or divorce. I / we went the dissolution rotue. Only takes 6 weeks once filed. My STBXW wanted out so badly that she gave me a very favorable deal. I have 50/50 custody, retained ALL of my retirement, plus the home and ALL of the equity (not that there's much in this market). The only thing I "lost" is seeing my daughter half the time I was normally used to seeing her. It pains me, but there was no way I was going to save the M, and the legal battle to gain full custody would have been ugly.

The D is not what I wanted at all...I fought to save my M. My STBXW was a wonderful person until the alien ship took her away. I'm still angry. Angry about the life my STBXW tossed a 13 yr. history aside w/ a 10 yr old DD to raise in favor of having her selfish needs met. Fact is though, that I have to move on. I respect the healing process that has to occur in this situation, but like you, I'm not going to wait forever either. Do I think that jumping into a serious R is right for me at this point? ****** no, I don't. That being said..I feel that I have no choice but to work a plan that allows me to recognize my shortcomings in my M, rectify those issues, and ultimately put them to use.

Wifty ~ Couldn't agree moore with your response to Tabby. That is indeed expert advice.

Thanks for such great advise! I'm really identifying with a lot of this. HG, your situation sounds extremely similar to mine, even down to the legalities in your state. I am currently not persuing a D since it is of no use to me. Since I did all the SA paperwork myself, I figure he can do the D paperwork (and pay the fee) himself if he really wants it. He has to wait a year to file (I could get one immediately since he was unfaithful - the only consolation I get for that) and he can do it with or without my input or permission. In other words, I'll get my D-certificate in the mail someday.

WBF, though I didn't think so at the time, I am SO GLAD my SA was signed quickly and he left the house as soon as he did. I remember dreading the closing day on the house when it converted to my name, but when it actually happened, I felt relief, not sadness. I feel for those of you that are in the midst of a long, drawn out process.

Wifty, I really like your comparison of dating to "spouse hunting". One thing I know deep in my heart is that I do not want to marry again. Whether my views change or not in the future is irrelevent right now - my current feeling on this is solid. It's one of the few certainties in my mind.

I also like your description of the 3 events. The first one (essensially being confident and comfortable on my own) is something I almost crave right now. I do really well for a few days and even cheer myself when I accomplish certain tasks (e.g. starting the lawnmower). But I still run across things that are beyond me (I broke the plug in my bathroom sink and I'm not sure what to do to fix it - it seems too simple for a plumber but I have no clue what to do). When these things happen, I get that panicky, empty feeling and start to miss and even blame WH for my predicament. I need to get to a place where I can deal with these everyday crisises without an emotional breakdown.

Of the people I have been around since this happened - many of them were friends before and a few are people that I've met - I've discovered a few things that help me feel closer tto (or less reserved from) a person. One big thing is (obviously) anyone who has been through this before - especially if it was recently. I have made a great friend in OWH, partly because we share the same pain and partly because he's at the same stage in the healing as I am and therefore there's no pressure on either of us that a relationship will develop out of it. I've also discovered that quite a few aquaintances have been through this in the past and I've been fostering a few new friendships with them as well.

On the other hand, people who have never experienced this just can't understand where I am coming from - and this includes several of my very close friends. I did make the mistake of telling someone I had just met what had happened - not the gory details but the summary - and I was bombarded with questions about my "relationship" with OWH and why do I still refer to WH as my "husband" rather than "ex-husband" and that it must mean something etc. I just find it difficult to communicate with people who haven't been through it. This could be why I spend so much time on this board as well. Maybe after enough time has passed, I'll be able to relate to these people better. I just wish I knew what to say when they try to "help" me out.

"Thank you but this is not the right time. I will let you know when I am ready to think about re-entering the dating world. Until I let you know, please respect me and do not push me."

My divorce was final in March and I'm dating, but I also was separated over a year before it was final. I have friends that have been divorced for several years that I don't think are even close to being ready to date. The timing is different for everyone. There are some things that I think are important before dating:

* Can you go several days without thinking about X?
* When something comes up to remind you of X, can you do so without becoming angry?
* Can you go to the movies, a restaurant, stay at home, etc. by yourself and enjoy yourself?
* Do you have hobbies or interests that reflect you rather than a former or potential mate?
* Do you have some same sex friends that you can talk to?
* Are your children comfortable with you dating?
* Are you dating because you want to or because you are told that you ought to?

Cinderella gave a good response. If that doesn't work just tell people "I want to spend some time being selfish and and focusing on me rather than a date. Don't you think I deserve that?"