I was hoping someone could share some advice.

My STBXW and I are separated and have been for some time now. We have been married about 10 years and have no children. About 2 years ago, (we were already separated at the time) I discovered she was having a LTA that had been going on for over a year. You could say we tried recovery, but she never moved home or ended contact with OM.

I've finally thrown in the towel and I don't really bother with keeping tabs on her or talking about reconciliation. She still calls me about 4-5 times a day. She is pleasant with me, but will not discuss anything personal.

She says she doesn't know if she wants a divorce, but she also won't do anything neccessary for us to recover. Anytime I ask her if she has made decision, she just delays and says she needs more time.

I don't think my STBXW is ever going to divorce me. Essentially, if its going to happen I'm going to have to do it.

That's where I'm struggling. I can't seem to get motivated to do it, and I can't figure out why. Some days I feel like perhaps a miracle will happen, but most of the time that's not what holds me back. I don't think I would take her back. Other times, I just feel like she's the one that ruined the M, she's the one that should have to end it. I'm not lovesick or feeling like I can't live with out her or anything like that. I also don't despise her or hate her. Mostly, I'm just indifferent about it. I keep waiting around for something to click and then I'll be motivated to get the divorce, but I'm starting to fear that isn't going to happen.

Has anybody else felt like this and what did you do to get out of it?

My thought is that you should file. You are not actively pursuing her and she is still attached to you. She seems to still want to continue having a relationship with you, but just not as your spouse. Or she would not continue things with the OM and work on reconciling with you. If you ask me, you guys can still have the same relationship you currently have, even after you divorce. At least with a D in place you can both have your freedom and still be friends.

Have you done any of the MB plan? I suggest that you at least do a Plan B - which is not having contact with her while she is having the affair, and letting the other man meet all of her needs. Sometimes it causes the affair to end, but at the very least will let you move on with your life.

Believer - Yes, I did follow the MB principles. I did as good a plan A as you can when separated. That was unsuccessful in getting NC. I did not do a plan B. There were a few things going on that just would not allow me to do a plan B. I have considered doing it now, but some of what I've read says plan B is more about protecting yourself. I don't feel like I need protecting and I don't think it would matter much to my WW.

Nugget - I understand what your saying. I can think of a lot of good reasons for going ahead and getting the D.

But I still feel stuck.

It is hard not to feel stuck. Filling a D is not an easy task to do for a lot of situations. We are trained/brainwashed into thinking that a D is bad ugly thing to do. That if we do so we are giving up. But, it is only a piece of paper that says we are no longer married. It is not a decree that says we can not still love each other, still be friends, still talk or even get back together.

You have to do what is best for you. Sounds like your W is not committed to you in any way, except for a comfort blanket. You seem to have moved past having loving feelings for her and that you are or kind of already have, moved on.

She may not want to do anything because she may get benefits (health insurance, etc) from you while you are still married.

FWD-

I have recently filed for a D from my WH. He would not commit to making the M work, or to dissolve the M. I gave it a year. After that point in time, I decided that I needed to move on. I needed to stop staying in limbo.

It will hit you one day. And you will realize that you are done. There is really no point (IMHO) to wait around if you are not getting any of the benefits of marriage. What is the point? She has to have some reason for wanting to stay attached to you....

I have found that my plan A while being separated and with no children has been very frustrating. You at least get feed back from her. If she contacts you, then she is love busting her affaire partner with you…

If she is still in contact with OM, then she is having an affaire and she is in the fog. With frequent contact with her this fog can confuse you also.

How good at competing with the OM have you been?

If she will not end the affaire, are you enabling by not saying that it hurts you that she is in "contact" with OM.

I’ve heard Dr Bill Harley say that after 2 years your odds of saving your marriage are considerably lower and that you may need to find your happiness with a willing partner.

"She still calls me about 4-5 times a day. "
4-5 contacts with you a day is a lot. If it is valuable to her (i.e. you are fulfilling enough of her emotional needs) she may come out of the fog if you try plan B. What is the nature of you contacts?

Aren’t you extremely lonely after 2 years? Your needs are not being met and this is hard on you and terribly unfair to you. You may have slipped into a rut, but you can do better than keep a relationship with a woman in the fog who is betraying you with an OM. Her adultery is extremely hurtful to you. She will not reflect that to you in her fog but her infidelity is horrible for you.

Have you tried talking to the Harleys?