I had some inklings and I asked my wife on sunday what was going on. She said I was not ready to hear it and that she feels that she is in love with another man. He happens to be what I would call my friend as well.

She says that she wants to work on our marriage and stay together. I have been just a mess of emotions and have talked and talked. Monday all day, and it was good and I believe she felt so.

Then yesterday she wanted to meet her lover and talk, she said she needed to and I said it is ok, I don't want to be controlling. It did not however sit well with me, so I wanted to know what they talked about and if they decided on anything. The tension was horrible and we had a horrible night. Then when I was in bed I could hear her write on the computer so I got up to see, and she freaked out on me saying she needs space.

Just feel lonely, scared and totally lost. It comes and goes in paralyzing waves.

Thanks for listening,

Lars,
M:42
W:37
6 years married and no kids

i'm so sorry lars! this really sucks. i highly recommend getting your hands on Dr. Harley's Surviving an Affair (SAA) book. Even check your library if u have too. That is really good your wife wants to stay together with you. During reading the book, you will find out that affairs are like addictions and 'no contact' (NC) will need to be necessary between your wife and the other man. i'm not saying that you need to give an ultimatum now but you need to learn about it. at that point, your wife will likely go through what is called withdrawal. read the articles on this site - there is lots of information. and there is hope for you and your marraige!

edit: is this other man married?

Thanks for that,

The other man is married with a grown son. They say that they are very good friends and want to try to stay that way,

Henrik

unfortunately it's going to be darn near impossible for you two to both rebuild your marriage into something awesome (something even better than before) WHILE she still remains good friends with the OM. you said you are lonely, scared, and totally lost. that is okay and i felt like that a lot too after my wife's affair. the more you read here, the more in control that you will feel and that will help with scared and lost part because you'll have direction. affairs have many things in common and you'll find out about them. one of the concepts, you'll read here is called "exposure". basically affairs thrive in secrecy and when the affair is revealed, it starts to crumble. you may need to talk to the other man's wife and reveal this devasting news to her too. however, you will not tell your wife you are doing this before the fact. i'm not saying run out and do it this second, but learn as much as you can. you can do this! i was nervous after my wife's 1st affair to tell anyone other than that we were seperated and i really wish i had in hindsight. do you have any close friends or family members you can at least talk to. are you taking care of yourself - eating, sleeping, etc?

Thanks again, it is overwhelming. I slept a few hours on monday night after the good talk, or when I just rabbled on and tried to make sense of it all. Woke up at 1.44 and then my mind was stewing and thinking of all the bad things. I wrote a very sad email and told the OM and my W how much I was hurting. She did not like it. Last night I slept a few hours as well. Not devouring the food, but trying to.

Did do a super human workout on monday, amazing what the body can do when survival mode sets in.

They just say that they are really good friends and would like to maintain that friendship. I am way too emotional to even try to grasp it.

Thanks a Million Everyone,

I am Lars Henrik, but go by Henrik so I tried to be sneaky, obviously I am not cheating material if I am that obvious.

Be sure to expose the affair to the other man's wife. You can send her to MB too. Exposure tends to end affairs.

Your wife needs to have no contact with the other man - no talks, no "closure", no space, no nothing. She may fight you on that, but please don't agree that she can see him.

How was the marriage before the affair?

We struggled to conceive for 3 years now, I was not overly keen or excited about the clinics and all the procedures. My wife felt that I should be more excited and that other guys would be, I said I am trying my best and still think that if we relax and enjoy it will happen. According to the stats, we are both fine and should be able to. It strained our love life and I believe it alienated my wife a little and she felt alone. She even said that one of the things with OM was that he talked about reproductive issues. Could be he was willing to talk about anything, or maybe totally genuine. I always felt I said the wrong thing, so stayed quiet too much,

Now in retrospect I believe it was a huge thing, although my wife says there are other things.

Henrik

Lars,

Call the OM's wife and let her know about the affair.

That will stop the two of them from seeing each other, or at least give you an ally in fighting this romance.

There is no way that the two of them can stay "friends" and you recover your marriage. HE is not a friend of your marriage, and your wife will not recommit to you if she is still chasing the fantasy of being with him.

She needs to end all contact with him, and not contact him again forever. That is the deal.

Read on this website about No Contact (NC) and your wife should write a NC letter if she wants to recover the marriage and stay with you. That is one thing you should waver on.

Second, your wife will start to rewrite the marital history, and tell you about how 'everything' was so terrible, etc., etc. Do not believe her - this is wayward babble, and they all go through this phase. After a month or so of NC, she will begin to act more like herself again.

For now, read about Plan A on this website, and look at the Emotional Needs (EN) information. Try to figure out what your wife's most important ENs are, and do your best to fill them.

Your FIRST job is to expose this affair to everyone - first and foremost, the other man's wife, because she has a right to know what her husband has been doing. And because she has a right to fight to fix her own marriage and the devastation your wife and her husband have dealt in her own house. She can't possibly begin to fix her problems in her marriage if she doesn't know what her husband has been doing - and if you don't tell her, HE certainly won't!!

Yes, your wife will be angry if you expose the affair. She will be angry because her secret will be exposed, and her balloon will burst. Chances are, her OM will desert your wife for his own wife, because he will want to save his marriage - and your wife will see this affair for what it REALLY is, a huge mistake and fantasy that she regrets.


You might get more help over on General Questions forum.

SB

It is common for affairees to say they are just friends. In fact, Shirley Glass wrote a book called "Not Just Friends".

I suggest you put a keylogger on the computer and see what is going on. And be sure to let the other mans wife know.

lars , so sorry ur going through this...at least ur in good company ! i just called ow h last night so i believe in exposure big time .they need to know what;s going on in their life . my ow h wasn't home and don't know if he got the message to call me or she intercepted ..not sure if i should call back or not but u should try to inform
good luck

Thanks again everyone,

heading away for a long weekend and then to New York, so now I get all nervous about being away for a night, but I guess I have to believe.

Cannot cancel the trip, so there is another overwhelming emotion,

Just ranting and rambling I guess,

Thanks for listening,

Get a grip NOW! I waited too long, let wife say Fiends, and I want talk to him again ect... If she has done this, think of her as if she is out-of-control and needs some help, she wants you to care, and she wants you to push/control her into doing the right thing. DO NOT really push/hit ect.. I mean make her stop by all means, call others wife, do not let her out of your sight, because the second round hurts 10x more than the 1st (for me). It's hers to give away, and you can not stop her, but if you try, she may get a grip on herself before more is wrecked. Also try James 3:18 and trust in Christ, there is power in the Word. Allovercarolina

lars - you definately need to talk to om's wife as soon as possible. you can do it.

lars - how are things going?

Lars, this is an Affair. This is NOT a "friend" or a "friendship."

If you want to save your marriage you are going to have to learn some new skills.

Begin with learning what Plan A is (read all about it here on this site) and then expose the affair to the OM's (Other Man) wife.

You wife has already chosen to end the marriage and she will not be willing to "let go" of this OM for some time, so buckle up for a period of time when you will have to do all the work to save your marriage.

Your "job" is first to end the affair. The second job will be to begin recovery efforts IF you want to remain married.
Once Recovery is agreed to, then the first step will be to put into place No Contact with the OM for the rest of your wife's natural life. No Contact is NOT something to attempt to impose now, because your wife as already "mentally checked out" of the marriage, but it is ESSENTIAL to recovery and rebuilding a marriage that suffered adultery.

You need know, not to scare you, but to inform and prepare you, that the AVERAGE timeframe for recovery from adultery is 2 years. So if you want to save the marriage, commit to "go the distance" however long your own situation turns out requiring (my own took 4 years).

Get 2 books immediately and read them to help give you a crash course in Affairs and Recovery from Affairs.

Torn Asunder by Dave Carder

Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley (the founder of this site).

Post often. Many will try to help you.

God bless.

All I can say here is that the only way I can see your marriage succeeding is to end your and her 'friendship' with the OM. Period.

If she agrees to this, get two copies of "His Needs, Her Needs" and do a book review with each other at the end of each chapter. She'll either get it soon, and things will get better (and you'll feel the difference) or she won't get it, and then I suggest finding a good lawyer.