Hi,

Its been a while since I last posted but I have been browsing.

My situation is like this. My WH and I have been separated now for 18 months and he now lives in our former flat with the OW and they are expecting a child in November.

We don't have much contact and that has done me a world of good. The only contact we do have is with regard to the children (3 - D7, S5, S2). I can't say I have really done a plan B but I think I have done a reasonably good plan A although I have had some angry outbursts especially with the OW. THey live close by an we use the same route to work which means I do see them some mornings going to work.

I want to be able to do a good plan B but at times I feel it is just no longer worth the effort mainly because of the child that they are expecting.

My WH did say he wanted a divorce but also said that he didn't want to marry the OW or anyone else for that matter. At times I think of just throwing in te towel and giving him the divorce and then I think why should I be the one to have tomake all the concessions here. THe OW and her friends have been complaining that I am clinging onto the man and refusing to let him go. This makes me so mad. She knew he was married when she started cheating witrh him and when she moved in with him, so I think she should just accept him as he is, It is not my obligation to help her out by divorcing him. THat is entireley her problem.

What i don't know though is how to handle the situation from here. I have secured my finances and he is paying maintenance for the children. Initially he had the kids one Saturday every fortnight but as of this weekend he will be having them every other weekend. I was of the view that we need to start sharing the responsibility of our former life equally and that I should not keep sheltering him from his responsibiliities. But most especially, I felt that I needed some time for myslef.

I just need help now on how to go from here. Someone please advise me.

Hi Lakeri,

I'm so sorry for what you have been forced to endure. Your story just infuriated me so much I had to log on.



Please do what ever you need to do, what is best for you at this point. You must be okay with your kids being around OW so I say yes, have the temp custody order modified to give him more time with the kids.

Because you live so close and have this thrown in your face on a daily basis, I think you really do need to have some alone time to rebuild your life. As long as it is not dtrimental for your kids to be around her. Well I know the whole thing is detrimental to them, but use your good judgement here.

If I were you, I would be planning on not taking him back because of the OC which will bring about a lifelong impossibility for complete NC with her.

Mostly I just want to say that you have my utmost respect for your ability to rise above this and rebuild your life and happiness while taking care of three little children.

Quite frankly, I am in awe of your strength and determination.

Actually if it were me, I would file for divorce and have his visitation drawn up to meet my needs. I would not delay on the divorce because I had to do the work.

Once you are divorced, you will have advantages of tax break's, education, business grants, etc that a married woman would not have, but a single mother would.

Also, to get the all the child support you can before his OC is born, because in my state other dependents of his will lower the amount he has to pay.

Well I would tell him when U R ready to file that HE needs to go do it. After all this is his mess, he needs t/d the paperwork.

What are the separation vs the D laws in your area?

OW claims u r clinging? Hm.... how interesting. He says he isn't going to marry anyone? Hm.... how babbling.

Don't get caught in that drama. OW is blaming you because HE is using you as his excuse.

Remove yourself from their drama but make HIM to his own dirty work.

When my mind and heart got in sync it was a blast....very strong turning point. It woke me up from a Saturday morning slumber.... I called the then WS who had just gone to bed (he worked graveyard) and told him to go get it, then hung up. Didn't explain what go get it was, just said I was ready and to go get it. Of course that broke his sleep but who was I to care. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> After a few more of those short replies..... he couldn't accuse me of talking too much. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> He was fully awake and wanted to talk about reconcilation....right....more babble.

The WS' pull t/d what the BS and family don't want is a key tool. Use it wisely.

take care,
L.

You are the perfect candidate for Plan B.

Plan B shows you how to get on with your life if your WS does not return.

IT WORKS 100% of the time when done properly.

Guaranteed!

Lakeri,

How are you doing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Lakeri, is your support for the children court ordered? If not please get it legal before the OC is born and the OW files for CS. Do you want the lifetime heartache of dealing with an OC in your life? Believe me when I say it IS an lifetime, not just 18 years if you have contact. Even in NC you are dealing with CS, and possible OW drama forever. Come join us on the p/c board if you want to discuss further. I am very sorry.

Hi all

Sorry I didn't reply sooner, its been a difficult weekend.

Weaver, thank you so much for your words of encourgement. You don't know how soothing that was. My WH once told me that I was 'a bad mother, a lousy wife and a weak woman'. The sad part is sometimes I hear those words and I start to believe them. But thank you for the words of support, they really renewed my strength.

I don't always feel strong, sometimes I just want to run far away from everything and pretend that none of this happened, but because of the kids I can't do that .

I'm not really okay with the kids being with the OW, but they really wanted to spend time with their dad and I don't want to punish them for what he has done to us. The weekend was very hard. As I said, we live close by and I have to pass their flat (which was my home for 3 years - where our first son was born) to go just about anywhere. It was my WH's birthday and they had a party with the kids, the OW and some other former friend of ours who also left her husband. Then on Sunday my WH had the OW drive the kids to MY Church because he said he had to do some work and she 'was just dropping them off'. I completely lost it, he didn't even have the decency to drop them off himself or to take them elsewhere. I thought I had the strength to handle this situtaion but I don't so I'm calling off this visiting arrangement immediately. I have already told him so.

It was never my desire to file for a divorce but I agree with you that considering the OC I don't think I could ever live with him again, especially with the way he has gone about the whole affair.

I have seen the lawyer and the papers have been drawn up. My first consideration was a legal separation which would have given me all the benefits of a divorce without the finality. However, with all the pain that I am going through I need the closure.

We had been together for 13 years, since I was 19. We started out as students with absolutely nothing and worked for all we have. I made a lot of sacrifices in my career to further his including 2 years in a foreign country where I couldn't work. With 3 young kids I never had a chance to do anything much and he complained that I was more boring than the OW because I would never go out. When he got his big break at work he immediately took up with the OW who was his assistant. I just feel that I have lost so much already and that without the divorce, he will always be holding me down.

I also think Orchid is right he is using me as an excuse, a very convenient one, 'my wife won't give me a divorce'. So I just need to step out of this and work on me. Its a tough decision, but I think it is time for tough decisions.

Cymanca, I really need the plan B. I really loved my H and sometimes I see a glimpse of the man I married, but the pain of dealing with the WH is so intense. He will keep doing little things, like bringing gifts when he travels and says that he is just doing that to make things easier for me. I need to get away from all of that so that I can really get over him and start living my life again.

Faithful follower: The CS was not court ordered, it was an arrangement we agreed on when he first left home. I did have papers drawn up for a formal agreement but he made a big fuss and refused to sign them. I have now put a stop to the current arrangement including some of the payments that were made to the house as part of his work benefits. He was using these to justify the low cs and to brag to people about how generous he had been to me, he was even paying for ...blah blah blah.I have asked my lawyer to apply for an interim custody order and maintenance and to have visitation arrangements according to my terms. It's time for him to fight for what he wants, if he really wants it.

Otherwise Orchid I'm not doing too well. I'm tired, weary really, emotionally spent. If it weren't for the kids I'm not sure that I would get up each day. But I have support from my family and friends and even people who were friends of my WH and the OW but fell out with them because of the affair.

I also get to come here and then I know, however bad my situation may be, I am , sadly, not alone and there are people who understand what I feel. Otherwise it would be too lonely and gruesome to bear.

thanks all.

Lakeri,

The OW is a stinky putrid (sp??) piece of crap. Unfortunately if she is with child, that child is already tainted. The child will have to learn later how to remove the stain of her/his parents in order to move forward.

Do NOT feel guilty or feel you have to force your children to spend time with a WS. I baffles me why a BS wants their children to spend time with the WS. It s/b the BS wants their children to spend time with the children's father who is your H instead of a WS. Why? Because a WS does NOT have the children's interest at heart and that makes him dangerous. Why put your children in that predicament?

I want you to get stronger. I will keep posting to help you see that you are waay better than the OW. She is rotten to the core. You can't protect her potential child but you can protect your own. Do so.

L.

I kind of wondered about how "okay" you were with your children around OW.



I agree with what Orchid has said.

I am a single mom, and although my DD's left his OW after our DD was born, we did not reconcile. I had an agreement with him that neither one of us would subject our DD to our romantic interests for several years. For me it wasn't a matter of her around the OW (which would have probably ended with me in prison) but I was adament that my DD know who her parents were and not be subjected to strangers. (The OW is a stranger, a stepmom is a legal stranger...neither are parents. The first is DETRIMENTAL to the highest degree. I now deal with the second (her stepmom, but it is bearable because she was not OW.

Lakeri, I also wondered how okay you are with living in such close vicinity where you are constantly affronted with them. Since you say you have support, could you get your family * friends to help you move somewhere further away where you don't have to see them or them living in your former house?

Your Plan B would be much easier as well, I would think.

lakeri,

Stick around and post as needed, okay? Bumping to keep you up on first page.

You are right Weaver. This is completely different than being expected to have any sort of relationship with the OW or OM in an affair marriage, completely and totally different.

Dear all,

Its been quite a week. Very stressful. My WH says he wants a divorce and would have applied for one but he had no grounds. (we don't have no fault divorces). The lawyer has drawn up divorce papers and all is set to go. I spoke to my WH and he was quite forthcoming of course there is still no real reason for his actions but I have come to think that it doesn't matter what he wants, says or what his reasons are I should start doing what works for me.

I don't really want a divorce, but I think I need to do something to get my life back on track. Whether or not there will be a reconciliation I don't know but I feel that I have tried and I can look back after 20 years and tell myself and my kids that I did all I could do.

I still have to live in the same town with my WH and the OW and probably with whatever is too come. Its true it would be so much easier if he ended up with someone else and not the OW, somehow I wouldn't feel so defeated. For now I am getting counselling and spending time with my family and friends. I don't know if divorce is the solution but I just feel I need to do something before I completely lose it.

Lakeri