Hi Skin,

Looks like we have years of marriage in common and also our kids are similar in ages.

It does seem to me that your WH was coming out of the fog and is now back in. And believe that he will recreate his problems with her because he is not addressing them in a proper fashion. Learning about himself first before ending a relationship and starting a new one. I don't see this as lasting very long especially whre she uses coke. I would be very concerned about having my kids having any involvement with her.

How are your kids handling this? I can tell you my DD's have lost all respect for thier father. And as long as he is with this MOW it will stay the same. He can't even "see" what he's losing. And it appears he doesn't even care. On my old thread I wrote about him actually telling our children that cheating isn't wrong and that I wasn't perfect. How they will be sorry blah blah blah... complete BS. this was the beginning of my self recovery. This man (and I use the term loosely) has problems... the first is he's not taking any responsibilty for his actions. He is too busy blaming everyone else.

Have you exposed to everyone? Is OW married? I would recommend talking to the Harley's. Either the radio show or call Steve. I did both and it helped although I think I was still in denial. On the radio show they told me to get away from this abusive man. With my talk with SH... we were suppose to go to court on 6/12 and the day before WH postponed it. Supposedly was really emotional and having second thoughts. My hopes got back up and I really thought we could make another go at it. But my WH is back in the thick of his fogg and is incapable of reasoning. Like all WH. I have come to the conclusion after a long time that I can't change him especially whre he feels he is doing nothing wrong.

I too wanted my H back.... he's not there anymore. Where our WH differ is that this is the second time he has done this to me. He really wasn't remorseful after the first A and for going on 6 years I felt I was the only one working on it. Unfortunately fixing a marriage takes 2 people who want to make it better. I am a really slow learner.

Some of the things that helped me was I started going to Ala-non although alcohol isn't a problem for us. Coming on here and posting. And praying to God. And i finally listened to him. I got out of his way and let his will be done. If His will is for us to get back together it will be after WH begins to look within himself.

I am still early on my road to recovery... the most important thing is that I really "let go". And the fact that WH is making it really easy for me to want him out of life by his actions.

You are still early in the just found out stages, your DDay wasn't that long ago.

Time is a great healer. There will still be pain but it really does help us grow as a person.

Keep plan Aing it seems to be working. Also call out to Mimi she is very kowledgeable.

Still

BUMP FOR SKIN

Still,

How are my kids handling this?
They are the ones who figured out about the A and confronted him. He told the boys he loved her and then walked out on them. He hasn't contacted my older son since the day he left and my younger son, he has said 7 words to.
Needless to say they are extremely angry with him and don't want him to come home at all. They feel completely abandoned because he was an everyday dad in their life until this happened.

How do you know when you are walking in G-ds will?

Since he has left, I have lost 49 lbs, gone back to AA, just finished doing my 5th step yesterday, exercise, have attacked every addiction in my life and am completely changing new ways of living along with going to a counselor.

I really believe he is in a full blown addiction in this situation., he is have unprotected sex with a woman who has Hep C, and could literally die from his choices.

Second by second I turn him over to G-d, but I miss my H, so much and pray that it is G-ds will for him to come home one day.

I forget and think this should happen quickly and that's the part that I struggle with most. I am scared that each day that he stays with her is a day that I am losing him more and more. It's just my fear and I am praying for release from it.

My WH is someone who thinks the only two people in the world he can talk to is OW or me. That's absolutely nuts as we are the two who he should't be talking to, we have the most to loose.

My feelings are so raw today, I just need a little help from this site and walking through the sadness, pain and fear.

Actually my H cheated on me years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter. We have gotten sober together, gone through all the deaths of our parents. But I discovered yesterday that we really did have an awful marriage and I didn't do my best. I didn't have the tools to be a good wife, I didn't know what that meant or what it would look like because I didn't have role models in my life showing me.

I am truly working on me because I want to be in a loving relationship with hopefully my H, but if not him then someone someday. I truly understand that if I don't change and learn how to have a healthy relationship I will attract the same and I DO NOT WANT THAT.

I just pray that G-d graces me with a chance with my H. I did't understand until all this happened how deep my love is for him.

What do you think?

SG

Skin,

Whew... lots of great questions. Letting it go to God took me a very long time. Months. I would give it to him....then a day or 2 later I would take it right back. Trying to control even God.

What took me a long time to realize after talking with my IC and parish priest was that God wasn't going to appear at my bedside and say "Still, this is what I have planned for you" God was talking to me through my readings, friends, mass. I just didn't think He was. The week before my awakening (last week) I was so discouraged with GOd. Why he was taking so long to answer my prayers. I just wasn't listening. Keep telling yourself in God's time which is a heck of lot different than ours.
I remember reading somewhere about just because God made the world in 7 days doesn't mean he will answer in 7 days. Patience, which was very difficult for me.
And I think everyday he is with her will be the undoing of thier A. It's a toxic relationship.
I read this on someone's thread and wrote it down. Wish I could credit whoever wrote it.

"Love grows in the light of respect, commitment, history, admiration. Not in the dark of pain, suffering, deciet and destruction"

They certainly don't have love...it's a fantasy.

Congradulations on losing 49 pounds. I also lost 50 pounds (put back on about 8, need to start excerising again). Keep working on yourself. That's the only person you can control right now. When the fog lifts every now and then he will see the changes.

There is also a good book... called When he leaves. I'll go dig it out to get the Authors.

Still

OH Still,

Thank you. I love that saying about love. Do you have much experience with yours coming in and out of the fog? What brings them out of the fog?

The weird part of my friends, is they are all ecstatic the he is out of my life. They think I am way better of without him and I am the only one who believes different. That's the hard part.

Do you really think their relationship is doomed? He is so toxic is scary and he just doesn't see it. No one understands when I talk about this being an addiction and he is lost to me right now. That's why I come to this sight, because I really believe that G-d is speaking to me to get well and once I am there, then he will bring him home.

congratulations on your weight loss, quite an accomplishment. I continue daily to work on myself because no matter what I made so many mistakes and I don't want to repeat them.

Warmly,
SG

Skin,

Sorry I couldn't get right back to you. Went out with a friend to an outside dinner in downtown.

My Wh didn't come out of the fog very much. So I don't have very much experience with that. Mine is so deep he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. He believes his happiness should count to us! I would see glimpses but he kept telling me that I hurt him so bad and only wanted to remember the bad.

Our friends and family don't like seeing us hurt that's why they tell us we are better off without him. And unless they have been through it they can't understand us wanting to work on our marriage. I kow before this happened to me I always said if WH ever cheated that it would be over. Then it happened and I just wanted my family together.

Most affairs don't last. because it is a fantasy and not real.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? If you haven't it's worth it to buy. Another good book is Torn Asunder.

Keep reading the basic concepts on this site and think about getting those books.

We all made mistakes in our marriage.... but nothing we did justifys an affair. Nothing so don't blame yourself. That is owned by the WS completely. It is important to fix what we can but a marraige is 50/50.

Still

Hi Still,

Not a problem at all.

My WH is a little caught off guard right now. I told him about the offer on the house and he is kinda being difficult, or really maybe not. I thought he would just agree to it, but he wants to be involved and is asking questions. I am meeting with him tomorrow.

I also saw that he emailed my youngest son tonight. He hasn't made contact with him since July 3rd and the middle son he hasn't talked to since the night he left.

This is what he wrote. What do you think?

Michael
I dont know were to start. This seperation is about your Mom and I. Yes it affects all of us. I let my relationship with your Mom slip away. I know your hurt, angry, and more.
I hope at some point you and I can talk. Its hard to not see you or talk to you. I dont think you know how much I love and miss you. I dont know what to say right now.
Love Dad

Do you think he is still completely in the fog? Is the fact that we are going to be out of our house starting Sept 15th a good or bad thing?

I'm a little nervous.

SG