I found out about my husband’s affair in mid-June, confronted him and he denied it. Again confronted him a week later and he admitted everything. He moved into a hotel to think things through and came back home to “work on our marriage” the beginning of July (less than a week in the hotel). I’ve been following Plan A in the book SAA and it seems as if we’re following the story of Sue and Jon to a tee. When he first came home, we talked openly and both decided our marriage was worth saving. I admitted my contribution to the breakdown of the relationship and vice versa.

I know he has contacted her, but he denies it. It’s obvious from his mood/demeanor when he has spoken/seen her.

We have discussed separation a couple times over the month, but he decides to stay. He mentions his reputation, etc. I am sure he’s staying because he doesn’t want anyone to know about the affair…if we separate, he knows people may/will find out why.

Per the book, I promised myself to continue Plan A for a minimum of 3 months, but I KNOW he’s seeing her….am I supposed to pretend I don’t know? Should I suggest a separation and move to Plan B?

In the book, Dr. Harley counsels Jon and says that Sue is likely continuing the affair, but he stays with her until SHE decides to separate…..

Thanks for any help.

Seeing that you are almost there, stick it out. Per the articles that I've read (not the book) it seems to say "kill'em with kindness". When ever you know he's been with her, get enough courage to not fuss, or tell him you know, just be really really fulfilling to him. You can ask where has he been and let him lie. Then do something nice, toward his needs...this will fill him full of guilt. I mean you only a month to go. Then if you do leave, you know you did all you could.

Hi I am going through the same thing and have posted the question on General Questions.

Pepperband has a long post that is really helpful.
She listed all of these things about plan A.

What Steve Harley said during my IC was that you still ask him about contact. If he says yes. You reply (calmly), thanks for your honesty. But, when you have contact with her it hurts me deeply. (or something to that effect). No lovebusters. no angry outbursts, no judegments. It is really hard to do. I had to do it yesterday for the first time and it took all my might not to yell F you. (Plan FU per Believer = )

Hope that the link helps
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

Sounds like you haven't exposed yet and therefore no pressure has been put on him to end his A. Nor have you put any pressure on the OW.


No way. If you have evidence of his continued contact, you should challenge him and as others have advised, say how much it hurts without getting angry.


Plan B only works after you have done the groundwork with a good Plan A. My WW said that what I had been doing in Plan A was one of the main reasons she came back.

I'm no expert but IMHO you don't suggest a separation, you just do it and completely cut yourself off from him and go dark. The only communication he gets about Plan B is the letter.

Good luck to you!