My wife and I have been married for 11 months, having dated for 3 years prior to tying the knot last September. For the 18 months prior to marriage, she had been routinely bringing up the M-word and was ecstatic when I was finally ready to get her Dad's permission and then ask her.


Every day, we would get home from work and she would tell me how much she loved me and how happy she was, but then one day in Mid-late March, she comes out with something like "I don't know if we have much in common. I don't know if I am the woman you thought you were marrying". This really shook me, since she seemed to be questioning the core of our marriage after only 6 months! Its hard to look at yourself objectively, but I could not think of anything that had changed about me in the last few years. What was different now?

Anyways, things went downhill rapidly. We went a few days without speaking much and then the atmosphere between us fundamentally changed. She became standoffish and kept me at arm's length. I would try and talk about it, but the only thing I could really get out of her was that she felt like we had become roommates. I started devoting all my time to her, from the moment I got home to the moment we went to bed. But its like she would be there and yet not be there at the same time. I did a ton of little things for her over the next week, all of which she was very appreciative of, but things didn't get better. So I made reservations so we could go on a weekend vacation that she had always wanted to do.

I had also noticed a change in her habits. She always used to leave her cell phone out, but now it was nowhere to be seen. I considered the idea of infidelity, but quickly discarded it. After all, she had been on the receiving end once, so she could not possibly do it to me. However, I bought her that phone, so the day before our vacation, I pulled up the most recent statement online. Sure enough, she had sent and received close to 250 text messages to one number, 150 of which had been over one weekend (text messaging picked up at the exact same time as our first confrontation). A quick reverse lookup showed the phone to be registered in the name of a male coworker that she had mentioned once or twice.

I decided to leave it until after the vacation and we had a good time. She was much more like her old self and she was taking my hand while we walked around, and in general we had a great time. After we got back, I sat her down and told her I knew about all the text messages, but did not believe she was having an affair (a mistake on my part to give her a way out). She had a wild look in her eyes and told me he was just a friend and she had needed someone to talk to (that put the lie to a previous statement that she had not told any of her coworkers about our problems). I told her that now that it was out in the open, she had to talk to me now, because communication is key in a marriage.

Well, the very next day she sent me a text message saying she loved me and jokingly said "We should get married" as in renew our vows. That gave me hope and I couldn't wait to spend more time with her that night. She went to bed at her normal time (about an hour earlier than I do), and I couldn't resist the urge to check her phone. I'm glad I did, because that very day, he had sent her a message that said "I want you and for you to be happy. I just like you so much" and she had replied with "I'm sorry I'm not fun, it'll be ok".

I probably should have woken her up right then, but I decided to wait until the next day. This proved to be an ugly encounter. I gave her another chance to tell the truth, but ended up having to tell her I saw the message. She tried to run out of the house, but I kept getting in her way and telling her she had to talk this out. She finally told me he had expressed feelings for her right before our little vacation. She said she had told him he was just her friend and also thought they could remain friends. I told her I did not believe she could remain friends with a man who wanted our marriage to end, and she agreed that was true.

Things were good for about a week, I did not see anything on her phone and she said he had stopped messaging her when she had stopped responding. I took the time to do stuff she wanted to do, like run a half marathon, and she had a great time. I always hear that you should follow your gut though, and my gut told me they had just taken their conversations to another medium. I did a little snooping on my computer since she gets up before I do just to ease my conscience. That next morning, I got the password and username (her maiden name btw) to another networking site she uses.

That night, I logged in and sure enough, there was a chain of messages between them that were definitely not just friendly in nature. She had met him one morning (at her request) and he had responded later saying "Thank you, you're the best". I was crushed and had no idea what to do next. I'm a decidely rational person, so I decided to wait a few days to cool down and then think about it again.

She had taken off work that friday to get prepared for her ultra marathon that weekend. By checking her account again that day, I found out that she had met him that friday at the base car wash and she had said "He is going out to the 7:30 movie. Its a bit late for me to go out, but I will definitely call".

Anyways, the next day, she was at her ultra marathon but ended up coming home early. She had asked me not to go with her because it would be a lot of driving and I would hardly even see her. She ended up coming home early due to some health concerns, but I found out that he had been there to see her and they had dinner with one of their mutual friends. The friend had told him that he had better marry my wife and he had said that neither of them wanted to get remarried. She was discussing their life together without me and their affair had only been going on for 3 weeks!

I could not believe that with all the effort I was putting into repairing this marriage, that she was still doing this. As someone who has always believed infidelity is a weakness of character, like saying I am not good enough to keep my word, I could not help but look at her as weak and flawed. The next morning, I went to my normal soccer game and came home to find her the chipper and happy wife again. I gave her yet another chance to come clean by saying that I was surprised he had just given up and not tried to contact her. She lied and said he hadn't.

Thats when I told her she needed to move out and I was filing for divorce, and I couldn't believe how quickly she went to pieces. She sat down on the floor of the kitchen, crying and apologizing profusely. She even went to the bathroom and threw up. She kept saying that she couldn't envision her life without me and she would do anything to make it up to me. I grilled her on what happened and most of it, she could not answer, as if she didn't even know. She said they had kissed twice but that was it. She said she had never gone to his house or had him over to ours. They had never gone out at night together, just met before work when she goes to run on base. He had told her he was falling in love with her and wanted her to leave me. I finally agreed to go to marriage counseling IF she would get individual counseling.

To be continued...thanks for reading thus far!

She also called her parents and told them what she had done, and they gave her an earful, since they absolutely love me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I did not want her talking to him, so I had her send him a message clearly stating that it was over. In retrospect, her calling it a flirtation was probably too lenient, but she did say never to speak to her again. He approached her once after that and she permitted him to voice an apology. I later told her that it was wrong that she had not enforced the boundary she had set in her message to him.

Counseling only lasted a couple of weeks because her new class started and she couldn't get out early enough. I detected no more communication on anything I could monitor (only things left were face-to-face or Navy work email). Since April 22nd (the day I told her I wanted a divorce) she has been her old self. She is always trying to do stuff that makes me happy, even though I know she can feel that I am not as emotionally invested in the marriage as I once was.
Through all of our discussions, she has not been able to offer up any real reason for what she did. She can't tell me anything that she wasn't getting from me that caused her to go outside. She did say that she felt that he understood her and she could talk to him, but I can irrefutable prove (through the phone statement), that she started talking to him at the same time she confronted me. She did not even TRY to tell me anything was bothering her before she started this relationship with him. She simply decided that we were too different and that was it.

Since she can't come up with any reason for her behavior, I have had to attempt to rationalize it and put it into a frame of reference, because I just can't understand how she could do something so crazy. I have always shown her love and supported her, I have stabilized her chaotic life, given her financial stability and independence, and it crushes me that she would risk everything we have for a single parent who is cheating on his live-in girlfriend. This will sound petty, but I read the stuff he sent to her, and he has the literacy level of a child. That makes it even worse, to know that its not even a step up for her.

The only reason that I can come to is that her self-esteem issues have finally taken a physical manifestation. She is a beautiful woman and very fit, but her body is never good enough for her, nor does she see herself as intelligent, even though she is. She has been this way since long before I met her, but I always tolerated it because she never went overboard with weight loss.
I think she felt adrift and the affections this guy gave her made her somehow feel worthy of the job.

I also feel like I was too easy on her throughout this process. I hate so much for her to be upset and cry, so whenever she did, I would take her into my arms and tell her that I am committed to trying to work it out. I never slept on the couch, nor made her sleep there, and there was never any separation period.
I think I can trust that she knows the enormity of her mistake, but how I can I believe it will not happen again if her self-esteem issues still exist.

The last part of the story is that she has confided that she doesn't want to have kids, or more precisely, she doesn't want to be pregnant. She said she had tried so hard to convince herself before we got married that she wanted kids since she knew I wanted them, but she has decided she really doesn't. Again, this seems rooted in self-esteem so I feel like if I cure one, she will want to have kids, but I wonder.

Is it worth it even trying to work it out with a woman who nearly destroyed our marriage for no good reason and now doesn't want to start a family? I love her and I'm sure she loves me, but what difference does that make if we don't have common expectations and goals for the marriage?

Anyways, sorry this was such a long read, but I thank you for your time. I just feel adrift in my marriage and feel like trying to go forward from here is like trying to regain innocence. Can it ever be the same?

Yea, heard that (we kissed) thing, it later meant they had sex in a truck in a public place. You need to know, be careful and read the Word of God, you need that extra power, and it will be given to you, if you ask for it.

Welcome to marriage builders. I hope you have exposed the affair to his live in girlfriend.

Another problem is that your wife and he should never see or have contact with each other FOREVER. Otherwise there is always a chance of them restarting the affair.

Most people here will tell you to simply divorce her since you are young and the marriage is very short. If you decide to stay with her you are taking on a lot of work to recover, and she STILL will have to to some hard work in counseling to be a good risk.

The fact that she doesn't want to start a family (and you want children) is worrisome. Please don't expect her to suddenly change her mind.

I don't think some people fully understand that their actions can hurt others. Your wife made a promise to you when you two got married....she promised to love you....to cherish you, to be honest, and faithful to you. But how can you love someone when you hurt them? I don't get it. When you marry someone it is because you love them and want to start a family and be happy and live a long life together. For your wife to say she wanted children and then after you two get married say that she doesn't is horrible. It seems like she wanted to do anything to make you happy even if it meant lying to you. Now would be the time to decide if she truly is the one you want to be with. After the lies, the cheating and then the no longer wanting a family. Do you love her enough to sacrifice never having your own children and always having to wonder if you can trust her?

I have a very hard time believing her about the two kisses. I pressed her on it again about a month ago and asked if they were just "pecks" or real open mouthed kisses. She said the first was a quick peck on the lips and when I asked if the second was a real kiss, she said "I guess". It seems like she views the affair in a haze and is trying to block it out. Either that or she is just lying so I don't leave.

The only thing that makes me believe she didn't have sex with him was a) the short duration of the affair, and b) she has a naturally low libido. She is very self-concious of her body and she has always been a "once a week" kind of girl, even when she was pushing hard for marriage and even right after our wedding. I don't see her having a real PA when I was always there ready and willing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I think this was really an EA that he tried to turn into a PA, but I caught it early enough.

I thought about doing it, but I didn't. Truth be told, I don't even know if she is real.



He tried to "contact" her recently by way of a myspace friend request. She denied the request but she never told me about it. I haven't brought that up to her yet, but I will in the next "talk". If nothing else, it clearly shows that he does not understand or respect the boundaries she set up. I may make her send him a very clear "****** off" message.


This is exactly what my brother recommended. The chance for success of a marriage that goes through these problems in the first year have got to be tiny. Right now, I feel like I am taking on the responsibility of fixing her before I even know if we will work.


You are right and we definitely have to talk through this more. I knew before we got married that a pregnancy might be too risky for her due to an illness in her early 20s. Her reasons for not wanting to get pregnant appear to be purely social concerns such as the weight staying on or her hips being wider after.
Its not that she doesn't want a family really, because she has mentioned adoption. Call me selfish, but I always wanted biological children that would carry hopefully the best of me and my wife. I have never had a strong desire to raise someone else's kids.

So I am sort of waiting to see how this whole kids things plays out. I'm not quite ready to force the issue, especially since I wasn't even looking at having kids for another 2-3 years.

I really don't understand it either. Her and I come from very different backgrounds. Her parents met and married about 3 months later. They have been happily married for the last 35 years. My parents fought all the time and finally divorced. It took me a lot longer to be sure about marriage than it took her because she saw her parents courtship as the model. I had to explain to her that its not as easy for everyone else. It hurt so bad when I found out that she could not keep her vows to me longer than 6 months. That she had put me through all this and even recommended we renew our vows, all the while she was breaking the most fundamental tenet. I barely slept, barely got any work done, and lost 15 lbs in those 3 weeks.

As you can tell, I still have a lot of repressed anger and doubt. Even though she appears to be trying really hard to make me happy now and genuinely seems to be sorry for what she did, how can she start rebuilding that trust? I have always been very independent, and the sad thing is, that even though I love her to pieces, I would ultimately be ok if we got a divorce. I'm pretty ambivalent right now.

Andrew:

I know exactly where you are coming from. My parents had and still do have a horrible marriage and after viewing that it always made me think two or three times about things pertaining to a relationship. You sound like a strong will person that does not deserve to be treated like this. You deserve happiness and a trustworthy loving marriage. I can't tell you to get a divorce or even suggest it, simply because you know her better than any of us here and you know deep down inside of you what you really want. All I can say is either way you go I hope that you are happy. That you have someone in your life that will appreciate you daily and not have a second thought about an affair, not even a first thought for that matter.

And as for what she said she did and didn't do...it's a hard one. She might be telling you the truth but might not be....she might not want to make the situation any worse. If you two were to stay together, I would suggest getting an STD test done, to make sure.

And as for the children thing.....if you want children don't let her convince you otherwise. It's a wonderful feeling, especially for the mother. For the short time I had my baby inside me I loved him/her more than I thought possible....I only wish I could go back in time to change it. Right now you have that option of settling for someone that doesn't want children or falling in love with someone that does.

Thank you for the kind words. I also agree that she may be hiding the details so as not to make it worse. She knows that if she tells me she slept with him, it will be very hard on me. No ifs, ands, or buts. Anytime we were intimate, I would see him. Its hard enough just trying not to envision her in another man's arms being kissed. She is a little superstitious though. Maybe I will make her swear its the truth on her mother's health <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm going to try and start up counseling again so we can bring up the kids issue in there too. I want someone completely objective to moderate the discussion. I am not willing to give up the possibility of a family at this point. The hard part is going to be getting her to make the time to go. She is definitely one of those that simply want to forget about it and move on. She doesn't realize that not only is it not that easy for me, but it would be a total betrayal of my own sense of morality.

If she cares about you and about the marriage then she shouldn't say no to counseling. If she does that's another red flag. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I hope all works out for you.

Its not that she would say no to counseling, its that she just may not have time. Her job is just very busy right now. The latest we can schedule appointments appears to be 5pm, but she rarely gets home by then.
She seems genuinely willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage.

Good. I hope she is able to get the time off work to go to counseling. It will truly help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Andrew3,



Welcome to MB... I do hope that you will read all of the articles here and try to learn the phases of an A. I would also caution you to prepare yourself for the fact that your W has already been physical with this OM.

Mrs. RIF was very similar to your W... she started a new job, and had a 'low drive' too... the 1st A that I found out about was very short (less than a week) and they had a PA right off the bat... I've heard it said that women will give up sex for "love" and attention, and men will give "love" and attention for sex...

I'm not trying to scare you, but if you're committed to rebuilding your M, you need to think about how you will react if you do, in fact, find out that your W had a PA with this OM.

It is possible to rebuild your M and rebuild trust, but it takes a long (~2+ years) time and lots and lots of hard, painful work from both of you.

Keep posting here as there are lots of people who have been where you are. They can give you their own personal perspective on your questions, but you shouldn't use other's personal experiences in lieu of a good, professional, pro-marriage Marriage Counselor.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Thanks for the welcome RIF.
She admitted to kissing the guy twice, although I find it hard to believe that 2 kisses is all that happened in a 3-week affair of 2 30-year old people. Thats not what people our age do!

One of their message chains went something like this...

WW: Ok, so I have nothing to say. I just wanted you to know that I thought about you once or twice

OM: Thanks so much for meeting me this morning. You are AWESOME!

WW: I'm glad that we were able to...

OM: Me too. You are the BEST!

The meeting took place sometime between 5:30am and 7:30am. It also occured 4 days before I confronted her and AFTER she had mentioned renewing our vows!
I find it difficult to accept that a kiss is all that happened that morning. Suppressing these feelings in the interests of moving on is becoming detrimental to my own emotional well-being. Even though she appears to have come completely back to me in this marriage, I'm going to have to dredge these things up again. After all, it was only 4 months ago.

Hi Andrew,



One of the things that I learned in dealing with all of Mrs. RIF's A's, was that I should have trusted my gut instincts. Mrs. RIF was very good at directing my emotions and misleading me to believe things the way she wanted them to be.

Have you confronted the OM yet? I take it that your W works on a Navy base. Is she or the OM in the Navy or are they Navy Civilian employees? If so, then you have some "other" tools at your disposal to shed the light of day on their little A... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Does the OM have a W or girlfiend? If so, then contact them and let them know that OM is involved with your W and that you thought that they should know... If the OM doesn't have a girlfriend or W, and he's in the Navy, or is a Navy Civilian, then go to his chain of command and let them know that he's involved with your W and that you are "officially" notifying them and that you expect them to take action against this OM.

Don't tell your W what you are planning to do as far as exposure... if you do, she will just tell the OM so they can fabricate a lie to cover their tracks. Don't worry about your W's "career"... you aren't the one that is putting her "career" in jeapordy... she's already done so by getting involved with the OM at work!

Your goal here is NOT revenge... so don't sit back and gloat over the things that are going to happen to the OM. He will get what's due him in time... Your goal here is to break up the A...

I suspect that the A already turned physical, and your W, having been confronted by you, is willing to retreat a bit and act like she's willing to cut things off... I can tell you from personal experience, that if you don't expose the A now, they will just find more secret ways to meet/communicate.

Your W should also start looking for another job... it's impossible for her to continue working at the same palce as the OM if you ever want to rebuild your M.



Give this some thought and trust your gut... one of the classic plays is for the person involved in the A to try and make you think that you're crazy for even suspecting them... they will lie and do whatever it takes to protect their "special" "in-luv" feelings that the A brings them. They will "fake" cutting off the A, they will "fake" rebuilding efforts, if they're really good, they might even agree to Marriage Counseling... all the while they're still involved in the A. ...They're just doing a better job of hiding it from you.

Trust your gut and Expose! Expose! Expose!

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF,
According to her, it started out just by talking about the class and then he started texting her about random stuff and they became friends. I have no idea how it progressed to an affair from there, because she goes to pieces every time I start asking questions. My gut told me something was up about a week after it started, and I had an ever increasing amount of proof. Everything I have found is stored digitally on multiple computers. I have screenshots of him declaring his feelings for her (saying things like "I heart you so much").

She called and told her parents about the affair on her own, before I could even suggest it, and she knows that my brother and his wife know. She went up with me to a family wedding and accepted that they would be there, knowing they wanted me to kick her out. So I admire her for that.

I considered telling the OM's girlfriend, but I decided not to get involved in their life. Maybe I should reconsider that.

I could care less what happens to him, but I am not ready to do that to my wife. I would sooner just walk away from the marriage than do that.

Ever since the class graduated, she has gone to work and come home. The only times she has gone anywhere else without me, have been trips to the grocery store. The only place she could be communicating with him would be work email, and I will NEVER have access to that.

I still try and monitor everything that happens on my computer at home. About 1-2 weeks ago, he sent her a myspace friend request, and she denied it. But she didn't tell me about it, which is a bad sign. Also, during the class, she had to send him a text message for one of her field exercises for reporting purposes because the radios were malfunctioning. I saw his response text on her phone and it was definitely work related. Checking the phone bill later, I confirmed it was only 1 outgoing and 1 incoming. I asked her about it that night and she said she had meant to tell me but forgotten when she got home. The alarming thing was that her outgoing text was deleted, implying that she either had intended to hide the communication or it was an old habit of always deleting everything. Thats not so good.

I interpret these actions as her trying to mentally block out that this ever happened rather than a willful intent to deceive me. When next we talk, I will reinforce that she is not allowed to filter information. Its all or nothing. Hopefully we will get a chance to talk this weekend.

Hi Andrew,

I understand completely about the retirement for your W... my intent in my last post was to convey the seriousness of stopping the A.

You might want to at least let his girl friend know... that way, she could keep tabs on him and make sure that he doesn't contact your W again...

Your W's actions will help you judge whether she is in contact with the OM... if she shares her cell phone openely, shares her e-mail passwords with you, etc., then you will slowly begin to trust her again. If she wants "privacy", then keep on snooping!

Semper Fi,

RIF

definately should consider telling the OM's girlfriend and the navy if you want to save your marriage. please read up on exposure and no contact info on this website.

She doesn't hide her cell phone any longer, just leaves it out on the counter, but I usually don't check it with her right there. I'll wait till she goes into the bathroom or after she falls asleep. I also know her passwords to every website she visits, at least at home. Other than the friend request I mentioned, I have detected no contact between them. If he tries to contact her again, I'm going to contact him directly and ensure he knows the consequences of his actions.

One thing that makes me a bit loathe to contact his girlfriend is that she seems somewhat crazy from a few things my wife had said awhile back (before the affair started). I worry a bit that if I contact her, she may blow the whistle on her boyfriend at the command and get my wife in trouble by proxy. Again, I will walk away with a clear conscience before I screw my W's career over. It would be nice to hear anything she had learned that corroborated or refuted my W's story though.