In marriages in which the wife cheated, did sex in the marriage drastically decrease or stop all together? Or did some of you with normal sex lives (2-3 times per week) experience no change in your sex lives?

In my case, sex dropped off almost entirely and still hasn't returned 10 months into recovery because of my wife's subsequent depression.

Dry up? Like the Mojave or the Sahara in drought conditions complicated by global warming?

Or a cold dry like an Antarctic boulder field where carcasses are preserved for decades in freeze dried conditions? That’s more like how my marriage went once the affair took off. Cold and dry.

What you're experiencing sounds normal. If she's still depressed, then hopefully that's an indication that she went through the normal 'withdrawl' at the end of the affair. Usually that's a good indicator that no contact with OM has remained in place.

4thSt,

Pre-A, my W lost almost 65 pounds. She had been working out about 5 or six days per week. She was in better shape than any time in her life. Though nearly 50 she looked at least 15 years younger. She was taking care of her hair and skin and was dressing to look good. I was enjoying it myself. She was even making ME slobber.

Post affair, she determined to enforce her boundaries. Her solution was to gain 60 pounds, stop dressing up, give up on her hair and skin and quit working out.

During the A she sent sexy emails to OM. She sent sexy emails to me. She had me take pictures of her often. She was as sexy as they come.

At the height of the A, she found little time to even be around me, so SF was a moot point.

Post A, her boundary enforcement was to stop discussing sex, dress as shabbily as possible and avoid most situations that would allow her to let her guard down and act sexy. When she stopped flirting, she stopped being flirtatious with me. She just stopped being sexy all together.

It's been nearly 14 months since the end of the A. She still is not back to what she was before the A in any way. In some ways she is better than ever, but as for SF...hardly ever does she even contribute much.

As for why...I have no idea.
As for how to fix it...I have no idea.
As for when it will change...I have no idea.

I'm just devoid of ideas...I'll let you know if I come up with any.

Mark

Mark,

Yikes! You sound frustrated and I can totally understand. Marriage is a sexual union as well as an emotional one. I don't believe a sexless marriage can endure unless both partners are content with no sex.

It's essential for me, but I don't know how long I can or should tolerate no sex. At some point I'm going to have to decide to leave if things don't improve.

Even our therapist has said to my wife that, as uncomfortable as it might be for her, she's going to have to try. My wife tells the therapist that she will but then at home, there's nothing but excuses. And that certainly doesn't help our recovery.

I personally don't know how or why anyone would decide to stay with a spouse that gave it away...sometimes very enthusiastically...to an affair partner...yet, when it comes to the H, it dries up and she stops taking care of herself. Sorry...next bus please.
While I recognize that there needs to be a period of time to recover the M, often times on these boards that extends to a very long time...
No woman, man or marriage is worth the humiliation of knowing that the WS gave it away so freely to another but yet decides to rob the marriage of what should have been exclusive all along.

[color:"red"] I will say that I missed the part about depression and do not know if it would change my thinking since it is up to her to deal with the depression. [/color]

What is the average time for the sexual part of the relationship to recover? I'm at 10 months and at the end of my rope. I think I have about 2-3 months of patience left and then I'm moving on.

I don't know the average(I am sure that they are all different)...but I do know that you have waited a lot longer than I would have. There are others here that have waited as long as you...but IMHO, it wouldn't be worth it.

BTW...make sure you get her tested for every STD imaginable before SF. I am just now finding out that HPV can also cause cancer in men....be very careful.

"I am just now finding out that HPV can also cause cancer in men....be very careful."

Huh??

Can you 'splain, MEDC?

60% of all cancers of the penis...which is rare have an HPV component.
Do a search for penis/cancer/hpv
seems like women are not the only ones at risk for this disease.
check this site out

http://www.medicinenet.com/penis_cancer/article.htm

the life expectancy after a cancer of the penis is roughly two years. A complete penectomy is performed in most cases and the NEJM is now saying that even with such an invasive procedure, the 5 year survival rate is off the charts low. Most people will be dead within two years.

I hope this helps you and others.

BE CAREFUL.

I'm not a BS but an FWW. No, the SF was hotter than ever with my H during the A.

I think you'll find there are two extremes. One is when the SF dries up, one is where the SF becomes more frequent.

I have NO idea why that should be.

We had SF on d-day morning. D-day was at 3.00am and SF followed immediately afterwards and hasn't stopped and we're now 4 years out from this (and very old, I'm 53 and my H is 58).

There was no change in our sexual relationship during my wife's affair (3+ times per week)

Post affair, there was a drought for a month but subsequent to that, sex has been hotter than at any time in our marriage and still is 2 years into recovery. It was very awkward at first though.

Well, when my wife first started her A (I felt something was going on and she just recently told me that my intuition was right) we were having SF constantly, and she was even suggesting stuff that she never would have otherwise like threesomes and stuff (know now it was to ease her own guilt). Then it just went non-existent once I started pushing her for the truth. She wanted to remain "faithful" to OM....ROFLMAO!!!!! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...Sorry, had to laugh....Anyway, SF was definitely like the first hill on a roller coaster....All the time at first and then downhill after that....

I think my wife wasn't capable of having a sexual relationship with both OM and I at the same time. Fortunately, OM was the one who missed out.

My WW was able to split herself in two (as she describes it) & was able to do stuff with me & then go off & do whatever with OM. I didn't notice a difference, really. I even found her trying on an outfit she'd bought to titilate him & had a bit of a cuddle & other fun - she was that good at keeping the two things seperate. I honestly had no idea.

After D-day it all stopped, as you'd expect; this lasted until 5 weeks after NC (9 weeks after D-day) when we had a couple of weeks of intensive catching up then it all stopped again. It's now 7 months since D-day (to the day) & things are beginning to take off again with sex.

Your wife's depression may be the biggest influence here, is she getting any help for it??

b.p.m.

it was pretty much went from maybe weekly most of our marriage to multiple times each day leading up to the affair as she was hot for the OM but i was available. all thru the 8 months of false recovery, the high level of frequency and intensity was maintained. then she met someone else a few weeks ago and is pretty much gone from my life. i think her drive is still there.

She's beginning to.

I'm a BS, and during my FWH's affair, he actually told me that he "didn't need sex anymore" when I tried to talk to him about our sex life frequency being less than acceptable. Now don't you know THAT sent off alarm signals - I knew something was going on, but I suspected the wrong person, and the wrong thing.

I was totally crushed.

It still kills me inside when I think about him saying that to me. He essentially replaced me.

SB

How long did the affair last before you discovered it? If my sex life during my wife's affair had been as regular as yours, I don't think I would've discovered the affair when I did. The lack of sex was one of the big things that made me suspicious. But if the sex had been regular and enthusiastic, I think I would've given her the benefit of the doubt much longer.

15 months