i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. i have never been the type of person not to trust, unless there was a reason to make me. i always trusted my boyfriend never questioned where he was going or who he was with, i just wanted one call at the end of the night to know everything was ok. about a yr. and a half ago he was at someones house drinking the took a bar, to make a long story short he kissed someone else, i have never been able to trust him since. the drinking has always been a problem he sent a nude pic of me to some girl, he has al had problems with giving girls his cell and talking dirty to them. i'm ready to say good bye he wants to keep fighting for this to work because of our son, but he has created a monster everytime he says he going to go out i think he going to meet someone i don't want to live this way anymore. please help!!!! [color:"purple"] [/color] [color:"purple"] [/color] [color:"black"] [/color] [color:"purple"] [/color]

EA,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders...please read the Basic Concepts and all the articles Harley has here on infidelity. You'll find that your blind trust isn't healthy or real. Was a shocker when I read that.

Makes a lot of sense right now. What you are experiencing is your BF not protecting your relationship from his own weaknesses...a choice, not a condition.

Repeated choices which you know make your relationship vulnerable to affairs.

You don't have the power to make him hold to boundaries. Your power is in understanding, defining and enforcing your own boundaries.

That's what I learned from MB...and my life has changed in wonderful ways because I did.

You chose to make this man the father of your child...you chose to be tied to him for life without any vows from him. Understand that you cannot say goodbye to him because of your choice...you can certainly end it with him as your partner.

He didn't create a monster in you called distrust. Trusting blindly is the same as not trusting at all...both are extreme. In the middle, there is the realization he is not concerned with earning your trust, nor are you owning your half to trust. It's not reasonable to trust someone who continually crosses your boundaries.

And relationships can exist without trust...I know, I experienced that. What you can discern is whether you are most upset about not being able to control your BF or your choice to trust him when his choices have not rebuilt trust.

Please read Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley. His other books, as well, will give you new insight in how healthy intimate relationships work. What you don't learn now will cause you to repeat this pattern in all your future relationships.

Well worth studying, learning, applying and living a thriving life, IMO.

You aren't alone...and you're not crazy or wrong. Many here have had your experience and changed...made different choices...not reactively--active changes from clarity and new knowledge.

Love doesn't keep anyone faithful or respectful. Those are chocies, as is love. Loving feelings may give you the illusion that BF wouldn't dare to hurt you...when in reality, we hurt one another through our choices...and justify a lot when we don't feel love. Have to know it...live from it by choice...believe we do...and act on it. I say this for you...you choose to love BF...he can't make you. And he can't make you not love him, either. Your choice. Your power.

Your limit is that you cannot make him choose to act, think, believe, feel or perceive...justify, hold to his own boundaries or not...you're limited as we all are.

Understanding how powerful your choices are is where I suggest you begin...read, read, read. Ask, post and stay aware of your stuff...and your life will change greatly because your experience of it will.

Welcome.

LA

P.S. Another great book is "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend.

the thing is when i confront him about this behavior he stops it but then there is always something else he is doing along those same lines. he is the one that told me to get on this web page, the problem is i can't bring myself to trust him.

Not trusting him isn't the problem, EA.

It's reasonable.

Do not gaslight yourself...trusting when someone has not earned it back over time, through commitment to their own changes ISN'T what any sane person does.

Don't choose to trust him. He cannot keep you safe from your own bad choices.

Thank him for directing you here...ask him if he's telling you he doesn't respect you for NOT enforcing your boundaries?

I see this is you not earning your OWN trust...not trusting yourself, your decisions, your own knowledge. Again, boundaries. To know is one thing...to act, well, that's another.

If you came here to change HIM, then you'll be disappointed.

If you came here to change yourself, your life, your relationship...then I believe you will.

LA

Have you two put together a plan to recover? First, he needs to grow up and stop talking to other girls. Next, you should consider having complete access to his cell phone so you can check up on the calls and messages. You should have all his passwords, and he should POJA going out to bars and/or parties without you.

You don't need to do what I suggested, except for the top one. Sit down together with him and develop a plan to ensure your recover. A good plan will protect your relationship from his antics with other women. It will also address LoveBusters (including his Independent Behavior), Emotional Needs, Policy of Joint Agreement and the 15-hours alone rule.

I'm glad he directed you here because that means he may already be onboard with these concepts.