Hello everyone! I need a little advice on how to tell my MIL and my "FIL" how im feeling. To understand everything I will have to give a little history. My MIL and "FIL" were never married my H was the result of their affair 24yrs ago. My "FIL" and my H had a relationship up until the time he was 5 and then he had NC with my H for almost 18yrs. It still breaks my heart to even think that. My H is in the army and is currently deployed to Iraq. Before he left my "FIL" and MIL came down to see him off along with my parents and the secret they had should have came out then. Last week while my MIL stopped over on a visit she told us that she had something to tell us. Im like O my what could she hiding now? Well about 3yrs ago my "FIL" had another affair with a younger woman and they have a child together. My MIL has known since this little girl was conceived and she kept it from us for nearly 3yrs. She has left it up to me to tell my H because she is afraid my H will lash out at his F which in my OP he has every right to. My H has never forgiven his father for not being a part of his life, his F missed out on some of the most precious things a F should be there for. In my OP the only reason why we found out about my H little sister is because my "FIL" came out to visit and brought her along. I met the little girl almost everyday this past week and I don't know what my problem is but I am having a hard time accepting her into my life. I am fully aware its not the little girls fault i think im just more upset at the fact that we should have been told about her 3yrs ago when she was born. I told my H over the phone last week and he took it better then what I thought he would but I really don't know what he will say to his F the next time he sees him. If he says something it'll be to make sure he is there for this little girl more then he was for him. I know its a little different of a situation but I am having so much anger towards him and I can't even talk to him and I don't even consider him my "FIL" I just can't call him that. I think i need some advice on how to coming to accept this little girl in our life and how to tell my "FIL" and MIL my anger towards them on waiting to long to tell us. Any advice?

1day,

While you anger is understandable, it w/b best to get your H's POV and then take it from there. You both need to balance each other out. You now have a family and can appreciate the need to stay as a family.

Seems your FIL can't keep his pants on and he must be known as such. Your MIL enables it by hanging onto him while he flaunts this OC in everyone's face.

You see, it upsets me too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I recommend you see an IC or call Jennifer @ MB to deal with this issue.

You can also try writing a letter to MIL and then hold it for a while. Later, when you feel you have completely it to your satisfaction, forward it to your H so he can put in his thoughts. Then after you both are done writing it, let it sit for a while. You will then know when to send it.

Are there other siblings in his family?

L.

One-day,

I think a lot of your anger stems from the general view of marriage and family by your "FIL", and partly your MIL as well.

He fathered your H in an affair, which tells you he didn't have much respect for marriage.

He never married your MIL.

He never had much to do your H as he was growing up.

He returns to the life of your H, and tries to take on the role of "father", and your MIL actually LETS HIM BACK???? Wow. What does that say about HER values?

He has what you call an "affair", which, how can that be when he isn't married to your MIL....but that shows his "committment" to marriage and family even more, doesn't it?

And now, there's another "other woman's child" in his life. I suppose that his first wife is not too surprised by his behavior. And your MIL should not be at all surprised.


So, I can see why you are angry, given that you are fighting the demon of adultery in your own marriage.

Your husband did not have much in the way of role models in his life. The value system set before him wasn't terrific. What he was shown was that fathers can step into and out of the lives of their wives and children whenever they want, and be accepted. Women are usable, children are adaptable, and men can do what they want.


Only now, your husband has one thing different in his life:

YOU.

And you can make all the difference. Remember that.

Tell your husband that you are angry. Tell him that the value system makes you mad.

Tell him that you need to know about what he values.

And when he tells you, and shows you, that he values you and your kids above the rest, you will feel safer about this. Right now, the anger comes from the fear that your husband has been taught this value system. And the fear is justified.

Only you CAN be the difference - because you ARE the difference.

The woman behind the man.

Be a team WITH him - talk to him about the anger and the fear - to do otherwise is a mistake.

SB